Remarried but want to 'go back' and make my family whole

[jwebhead]

About 18 months ago I began an affair with a man I had been friends with for 8 years. 16 months ago I left my husband for this man and we are married. He has a daughter, I have 2 sons. This past year I have realized so much about myself and know leaving was a mistake. My now ex husband says he didn't 'chase' me due to the advice of 'godly' friends telling him it would just make me mad. He also allowed me to take the boys and move 2500 miles away from him. I admit I manipulated him into this. I knew when I left and even know that my current husband had a daughter and I never wanted to be a step parent. I knew I was not cut out for it. I regret so much leaving and my ex-husband is a changed man (I know you hear that all the time. But once God got me out of the way He performed a miracle in my ex-husband)

Anyway, my continuous struggle is the justification my current husband and I used for getting divorced in the first place, he divorced his wife after our affair began, and if that was okay to 'get divorced', now that I realize the horrid mistake I made for my sons and moving them so far away, is it wrong and horrible to divorce again to hopefully reconcile with my ex-husband for the sake of the children? (There was no physical abuse in the first marriage and he does want us all back. He is still single).

I have posed a similar question months ago, but I am still coming to the same place and just so confused and lost.

I also know I may be setting myself up for some harsh comments on "How could you leave", etc...I understand the anger and frustration this can cause others but I am asking for advice.

Thank you

 

[Warrior Poet]

It wont be that simple as I am sure you are fully aware. I think your ex-husband and I have worn the same shoes, his perhaps are a tad larger.
Go back.
But there are a few things you must now realize. This will not and has not happened on your timeline, you forefited almost all trust and credibility by your actions and more so by your reactions. If your ex is taking you back that wont be the real struggle, the real struggle will be "why". After two years a peace has been placed inside him, hence this "miracle" you are seeing. He, for one, kept his vow to you, he pledged to keep you happy, letting you go wasn't weakness it was keeping a promise, and I have no doubt he intends on keeping the rest.
Trust.
Here is and will be your biggest "enemy". Trust is earned and usually given quite easily by humanity, especially opposite sexes, that trust is very easy to destroy as well, as that is the case here. He will not trust you as you would like him too, and he has every reason not to. Honesty is something that he will hold very dear, even if it hurts, as men we take things to the heart initially, more so when it comes to those you love. We do get over it, your ex has been through an experience where I think this will fully apply the past no matter how bad it hurts is still the past.
Consequences.
There are now two sides of consequences you must face. The Pre and the Post. You have to see through the clouds and rain that the weather ahead is not and will not be in your favor. God doesn't turn a blind eye and past mistakes can impact present choices, or the choice of others. Punishment is always just, wether we see it as fair or not becomes highly irrelevant.

I think there is a point in everyones life where "truth" is tested. We all have our own weakness and strengths so everyones test is different and unique, I recently thought I was in this test, but I wasn't and my truth prevailed without as much as lifting a finger..... a blessing in disguise, a reward for being "good", or a trick to lower the blinders on already squinted spiritual eyes... ??

Warrior Poet

 

[bkg]

It wont be that simple as I am sure you are fully aware. I think your ex-husband and I have worn the same shoes, his perhaps are a tad larger.
Go back.
But there are a few things you must now realize. This will not and has not happened on your timeline, you forefited almost all trust and credibility by your actions and more so by your reactions. If your ex is taking you back that wont be the real struggle, the real struggle will be "why". After two years a peace has been placed inside him, hence this "miracle" you are seeing. He, for one, kept his vow to you, he pledged to keep you happy, letting you go wasn't weakness it was keeping a promise, and I have no doubt he intends on keeping the rest.
Trust.
Here is and will be your biggest "enemy". Trust is earned and usually given quite easily by humanity, especially opposite sexes, that trust is very easy to destroy as well, as that is the case here. He will not trust you as you would like him too, and he has every reason not to. Honesty is something that he will hold very dear, even if it hurts, as men we take things to the heart initially, more so when it comes to those you love. We do get over it, your ex has been through an experience where I think this will fully apply the past no matter how bad it hurts is still the past.
Consequences.
There are now two sides of consequences you must face. The Pre and the Post. You have to see through the clouds and rain that the weather ahead is not and will not be in your favor. God doesn't turn a blind eye and past mistakes can impact present choices, or the choice of others. Punishment is always just, wether we see it as fair or not becomes highly irrelevant.

I think there is a point in everyones life where "truth" is tested. We all have our own weakness and strengths so everyones test is different and unique, I recently thought I was in this test, but I wasn't and my truth prevailed without as much as lifting a finger..... a blessing in disguise, a reward for being "good", or a trick to lower the blinders on already squinted spiritual eyes... ??

Warrior Poet

Great post, WP.

I have no advice here, frankly. I feel for you, and I feel for you husband and ex-husband. It's a tough situation all around. All I can say is that God will guide your steps if you let him.

 

[madison1101]

Have you thought about counseling? You have had one marriage in which you weren't faithful. Jumped into another without much thought. Now, you are considering ending that to hopefully go back to the marriage you left in the first place. It sounds like you might need a little help working through some relationships. A good therapist can help you figure out what is going on with your lack of commitment in your marriages.

Please understand I am not being judgemental. I almost did what you did, but praise God my therapist stopped me on more than one occassion. Instead, my exhusband left me, remarried, and is living happily ever after. But, I understand what it is like to be in a marriage where you feel it is not for you, and become attracted to someone else. I needed therapy to help me see what was going on inside of me to cause that behavior. It doesn't mean you are crazy, just in need of some objective person who can give you feedback and help you sort through things.

It's just a suggestion.

God bless.
Madison

 

[Southern Cross]

So, wait a minute - is it okay to break a second marriage commitment to return to the first? If you are a Christian, what does that say about your testimony?

I have absolutely no idea what is right in this situation. I have a gut instinct response that says stick with your current marriage until your current spouse ends the commitment by filing for divorce. Until then, love him as much as you possibly can. But I'm not sure of how scripturally sound that would be. I feel bad for you, it's a terrible situation for all of you to be in, including your sons and stepdaughter.

 

[sara elizabeth]

Well, I'm going to stick my neck out here. The way I understand the divorce/remarriage issue is that leaving for a reason other than unfaithfulness is not in God's will. So, my take on that would be, that if you left your ex and he was not unfaithful then it was against God's will in the first place. I guess I would feel that your commitment to him still stands.

My parents were in a similar situation. My mom left my dad because he was an alchoholic. In an effort to forget her, he married a woman that he had only known about two weeks. That was an utter fiasco. In desperation my dad turned to God and was saved. To make a long story short, they remarried and have had a very good marriage ( over thirty years now! )

 

[~Nikki~]

It wont be that simple as I am sure you are fully aware. I think your ex-husband and I have worn the same shoes, his perhaps are a tad larger.
Go back.
But there are a few things you must now realize. This will not and has not happened on your timeline, you forefited almost all trust and credibility by your actions and more so by your reactions. If your ex is taking you back that wont be the real struggle, the real struggle will be "why". After two years a peace has been placed inside him, hence this "miracle" you are seeing. He, for one, kept his vow to you, he pledged to keep you happy, letting you go wasn't weakness it was keeping a promise, and I have no doubt he intends on keeping the rest.
Trust.
Here is and will be your biggest "enemy". Trust is earned and usually given quite easily by humanity, especially opposite sexes, that trust is very easy to destroy as well, as that is the case here. He will not trust you as you would like him too, and he has every reason not to. Honesty is something that he will hold very dear, even if it hurts, as men we take things to the heart initially, more so when it comes to those you love. We do get over it, your ex has been through an experience where I think this will fully apply the past no matter how bad it hurts is still the past.
Consequences.
There are now two sides of consequences you must face. The Pre and the Post. You have to see through the clouds and rain that the weather ahead is not and will not be in your favor. God doesn't turn a blind eye and past mistakes can impact present choices, or the choice of others. Punishment is always just, wether we see it as fair or not becomes highly irrelevant.

I think there is a point in everyones life where "truth" is tested. We all have our own weakness and strengths so everyones test is different and unique, I recently thought I was in this test, but I wasn't and my truth prevailed without as much as lifting a finger..... a blessing in disguise, a reward for being "good", or a trick to lower the blinders on already squinted spiritual eyes... ??

Warrior Poet

Fantastic post!

 

[fluffy_rainbow]

So, wait a minute - is it okay to break a second marriage commitment to return to the first?

I need to look up the Scriptures, but I believe it is. If you remarried, you should ask God to forgive you and sanctify your present marriage. Two wrongs don't make a right.

I'll be praying for your situation and all parties involved.

 

[tonya]

GO BACK!!! That was your husband who you left...why? for your own selfish desires?? For whatever reason itseems you have seen the light so to speak! You left him and married the man you were in an adultress relationship with..all bad juju!! This is the father of your children and children deserve to have both of their parents if at all possible!! God bless you and continue to pray and seek God..

 

[bringingup4forHim]

i read this post last night and just shook my head. but reading it again leaves me with a WHAT THE HECK?! response. are some of you actually saying it is okay for her to leave her second marriage for the first? what about the turmoil a second divorce will cause the children, her, her current spouse and yes, even the ex? what about the deeper picture, why she left in the first place? i am in no way judging, just voiceing my confusion. it sounds to me like there is a lot of greener grass being persued here.....

 

[tonya]

I can not see the turmoil created by leaving the second one..that to me was born out oif sin..those children..how can they be affected that much? They are getting their dad back...I mean I am not trying to cause hard feeling that is just how I see it...

 

[jwebhead]

WP: Thanks for the advice. I see what you are saying and honestly a relief came when I read it.

BKG I had hoped for some more insight from you. If your ex-wife was saved but remarried and was in this what would you do? (Not being hurtful, seriously you have illuded before about your situation. What would you do?)

The problem I have is I do feel loyalties to my first husband. This 'miracle' I spoke about happened shortly after I told him I was leaving. He finally faced and dealt with sin in his life and I forgave him of his sin, but selfishly kept a turned back to him and went off to make myself happy. Problem being I have no idea what would make me happy anymore. I do think I need therapy, but honestly I do not know of anyone here, good or bad, and I am too afraid to go to someone, and get 'bad' advice and them screw things up even more. So I do nothing. (No the best plan I know.)

I do not know if I want this marriage and I know 'going back' would be difficult and there would be work to do. I want my boys to be happy. My step-daughter basically is only happy when I am not around. (That has been proven on 2 occasions when I am not around by other sources, not her father or me, and when I am she is sad, and does not even acknowledge my existence.)

There is a history with my ex-husband which I am constantly reminded my current husband and I do miss that history. I didn't 'finish' things with my ex and is it just too late now. What's done is done and just move on. Do this to honor God even if I know this will be a fiasco? I want to please the Lord, I do not want Him to turn from me because I have continued to make bad choices.

I know I could leave here and not look back. With my ex, I have to look back because he will always be in my life because of the boys. I didn't WANT to get divorced, I just wanted the relationship to improve and it did, but too late. Is that really what it is all about? It's just too late?

 

[madison1101]

The way it was explained to me is that if my ex leaves his new wife to remarry me, it would be an abomination to the Lord. It is in the Old Testament. I will look it up.
Madison

 

[Avaya]

So, wait a minute - is it okay to break a second marriage commitment to return to the first? If you are a Christian, what does that say about your testimony?

I have absolutely no idea what is right in this situation. I have a gut instinct response that says stick with your current marriage until your current spouse ends the commitment by filing for divorce. Until then, love him as much as you possibly can. But I'm not sure of how scripturally sound that would be. I feel bad for you, it's a terrible situation for all of you to be in, including your sons and stepdaughter.

I think that is exactly scripturally sound. It's a crazy world out there and when we just run around doing what we WANT to do, we HAVE to suffer the consequences of our actions. And I don't necessarily mean 'suffer', but I do mean that we have to stand by our decisions and reap the consequences. OP, You are married and you have an obligation to that marriage, to make it a happy and loving one, no matter how you FEEL.

 

[Yitzchak]

I will tell you this. My ex wife left me for a man she had an affair with. She moved in with her boyfriend and took our children with her. She did everything in her power to keep me from having any relationship with the children. I went through hell emotionally. My children have too.

But I can tell you this also. If you asked me what I really really want now. I would say for my ex to be happy. For her to receive forgiveness from everyone and be healed. If I can forgive my ex and want her best then I am sure that your ex can forgive you also.

Whether or not you should get back together is another question altogether. I say work on your relationship with your ex and restore the relationship between your kids and your ex as much as in your power. Whatever you do will take time to work out so don't rush it.

Personally, I reccomend against leaving your current husband even for the good motive of restoring your original family.

On a sidenote, there is a soap opera on tv called as the world turns. One of the characters got amnesia and made a new life with a new family and now he got his memory back and his old family wants him back. It is interesting for me to watch the characters grapple with all the emotions involved.

 

[jwebhead]

But I can tell you this also. If you asked me what I really really want now. I would say for my ex to be happy. For her to receive forgiveness from everyone and be healed. If I can forgive my ex and want her best then I am sure that your ex can forgive you also.

Whether or not you should get back together is another question altogether. I say work on your relationship with your ex and restore the relationship between your kids and your ex as much as in your power. Whatever you do will take time to work out so don't rush it.

My ex and I have a good relationship and he also has one with the boys. He calls everyday. He sees them about every 2 to 3 months, (airfares, hotel, car rentals, etc. keep him away which we share in the expenses as well as us going to see him and him coming here) it just kills me to see the boys miss him so much and he them as well.Then there is the hurt both of us did to one another. He wants nothing but happiness for me and I him. I just do not know if I can ever get over tearing my family apart. And for what? A husband who is trying to make me into something I am not and a child who cannot stand to be around me and her relatives think that is fine. I am treated as nothing here. I know in my heart of hearts I want to go back, (I have not admitted that out loud til now) but will God finally look at me and give up as I have on Him in the past. Am I giving up again on this marriage and not finishing another relationship. Man I need therapy!

 

[madison1101]

I understand how you feel thinking God will give up on you. But, He doesn't give up on us. I had a problem in my past that I could not stop losing my temper. It contributed to my marriage breaking up. I was horrible at times. I would cry to my best friend that God must be so tired of me coming to Him asking for forgiveness. My friend told me that Jesus is probably saying, " I knew about that sin when I died for you, my dear, and I am not surprised or shocked. I love you so much I let them put the nails in my hands for that sin too."

Go to a therapist or counselor. Talk about what is going on. Pray about all the stuff that is happening.

God bless you.
Madison

 

[heartnsoul]

My ex and I have a good relationship and he also has one with the boys. He calls everyday. He sees them about every 2 to 3 months, (airfares, hotel, car rentals, etc. keep him away which we share in the expenses as well as us going to see him and him coming here) it just kills me to see the boys miss him so much and he them as well.Then there is the hurt both of us did to one another. He wants nothing but happiness for me and I him. I just do not know if I can ever get over tearing my family apart. And for what? A husband who is trying to make me into something I am not and a child who cannot stand to be around me and her relatives think that is fine. I am treated as nothing here. I know in my heart of hearts I want to go back, (I have not admitted that out loud til now) but will God finally look at me and give up as I have on Him in the past. Am I giving up again on this marriage and not finishing another relationship. Man I need therapy!

Looking at your situation objectively, it appears you are running from relationship to relationship...meaning running from one problem to another. Where does this end? Running away from your first marital problems is what got you in this second mess. Now, it appears you are running from the problems of your second marriage to get you maybe into a third mess. In either case, you have realized (hopefully) that EVERY marriage has its problems to work out. No marriages are perfect. I am concerned that if you do not get some kind of therapy for yourself, you will have a hard time finding peace and happiness in your life...no matter who you are married to. Dealing with conflict is not easy. It's painful sometimes, but learning to face and resolve problems is better than running from them. I think you should take time out for yourself right now and take a long vacation somewhere alone. Give yourself some time to clear your mind and pray. You need to find out who you are, what your strengths & weaknesses are, and strengthen your walk with God. After you accomplish that, then you will be in the right frame of mind to know what is the best for you. After a vacation, you may find out that both husbands are not the right one for you. There is no need to rush into any hasty decisions and keep jumping from one relationship to another. Hasty decisions seldom lead to good choices. I really believe that taking time out for yourself (therapy, praying, strengthening your walk with God) to heal will be better for you in the long run. Making decisions out of guilt is not good. Decisions need to be made with a clear mind and loving heart. We will be praying for you.

 

[seekfirst]

When I read your post, my thought was that you should stay in the marriage you are in now. Do your best to make it work. God wants what is best for you. I truly believe that if you are not to be in the current marriage then your husband will do leaving. If he files, and leaves the marriage, and only then do I think it would be right to get back together with your first husband....with counceling. This of course, is my thoughts only. My prayers are with you and your family.

 

[Warrior Poet]

I think that is exactly scripturally sound. It's a crazy world out there and when we just run around doing what we WANT to do, we HAVE to suffer the consequences of our actions. And I don't necessarily mean 'suffer', but I do mean that we have to stand by our decisions and reap the consequences. OP, You are married and you have an obligation to that marriage, to make it a happy and loving one, no matter how you FEEL.

This has been nagging at me since I read this post. Reconcile or restoration are only used once in the Bible when referring to a husband and wife, by Paul, speaking to women that have left their husbands should A. Remain unmarried or B. Reconcile

Two options as far as I can see, Paul never stipulated if she had remarried. And the OT speaks that once a woman in "deflowered" by another man her husband does not have to take her back.

Reconcile as defined by dictionary.com

To cause to be friendly again; to conciliate anew; to restore to friendship; to bring back to harmony; to cause to be no longer at variance; as, to reconcile persons who have quarreled.

As I searched for other definitions I couldn't help but running across this same thing... anew, friendship, harmony. After reading jweb's latest installment, reconciliation has already taken place. You are reconciled as instructed by the Bible. Though many may not want to look deep enough, if this isn't "for the kids" games... IMO you have obtained what it was Paul was talking about. I do not see leaving your husband now for your ex as reconciliation, I think you realized the severity of what you have done and it scares you right now. The hard part if I am pinning down you ex right is that things are going well for him, being away from the boys is not easy but he is being a man about this and I can only hold him in the highest regard for his action at this point.

On the theological side of it, I cant find scripture to defend or debunk the two frames of mind that have been expressed, and I have been looking for both. I do believe that we are meant for one spouse and one spouse only for the one life we are granted. I am sure that most people feel this way as well. You have placed yourself in a situation as others have expounded that you are jumping from ship to ship, this is to be a process and the decisions you make will ripple through to every relationship around you... including your kids.

If the boys miss there dad so much why cant they live with him? You do the visiting?
Just a suggestion.

Warrior Poet