Religious background issues. (BIO) - Need prayer.

[ChristIsSovereign]

It's really odd how despite the fact that I believe salvation comes through God alone through Jesus Christ regardless of our spiritual and mental state, I still feel as if my salvation hangs by the 'weights and balances' of what I do with my life. Am I being slothful sitting here on my PC while I could be reading Scripture and praying all day? Am I being distracted by violent video games? I feel like all of these things contribute to God's anger towards me, especially the 'onanism;' that incites God's wrath like none other. (Onanism means masturbation in this case.)

For some context, my father was legalistic to some degree. He expected of me good standards and I constantly delivered to fail in secret. I never revealed to him my utterly uncontrolled addiction to 'onanism' at the time. I let it slide by so I wouldn't be shamed by him for being a 'sexually unpure fool' or something. I wasn't being a Christian, merely an imitator of an earthly father that couldn't seem to find joy in the Christian life, therefore any joy I found was either short-lived or simply fake, a misery touted as joy.

Then it's revealed he had affairs with other women outside of the (former) marriage. It triggered a faith upheaval in me and I completely went and rejected all he taught me. Did I stop professing Christianity? Not at that time, at least. I went in the opposite direction. From what he knew of my change, he violently disagreed and wanted me to back down. I had nowhere to go. Nobody to talk to. My views were alien to everyone around me.

Hyper-Calvinism.

The religious issues continued to happen. The 'onanism' stayed mostly steady and I believe I became even more pressured to hold to 'perfect doctrine' and try to stop the 'onanism' in vain in order to please a filthy angry God who knew nothing of grace or love. (In my view; most Calvinists think otherwise which is fantastic.) That's where the bulk of my personal legalism came to fruition. My addictions never went away. It started a cycle of depression where I felt I was completely unworthy of doing anything good and I let my addiction to everything spiral so far out of control that my behavior would ring alarm bells as loud as jet planes saying 'FALSE CONVERT FALSE CONVERT' and I believe it was true.

My belief in my legalistic faith slowly derailed over the course of a couple years. Initially I noticed no change as 2015 rolled into 2016 rolled into 2017, but early to mid-2017 found me realizing that my faith... wait, there wasn't any. I sat there in austere confusion realizing I didn't even believe in the God I was taught as a child. I believed in a god but the Christian God felt alien and hateful in my eyes and I diverged into a pathway of wanton sexual communication and severe entertainment of homosexual impulses, in which the memory of that makes my skin crawl, so to say.

Agnosticism.

It felt strange, that religiously nebulous dimension from 2017 to 2019. Ironically I never accepted evolution and still believed in some form of creationism, but my views were very wishy-washy and I had enough knowledge of Christianity to talk about it to my mother from time to time without convincing myself that Jesus was actually the Christ. I let myself fall into a pit of ignorance where I 'accepted' that 'nothing was right and nobody could ever know,' meaning for both evolutionary scientists and hard-line Christians. I simply let myself wallow into that sort of 'caveman' void where I let myself get stupid.

I've mentioned the Franklin Graham conference before, but that conference sparked a mixture of a former legalistic flame and something else entirely, a flame of joy that contradicted the legalistic flame. I believe the desire to follow the Law and to seek out the Cross are fighting a vicious battle while I watch them duke it out.

My rates of 'onanism' have dropped from 15 - 30 times a day to about once every 4. I take risperidone for my anxiety and it's seemed to ease some of the OCD symptoms that I experience from day to day. It's also reduced my sex drive dramatically which makes me feel somewhat better about my 'purity' although I keep telling myself that it's legalism speaking to me, not God, in that regard.

What I need prayer for is that my 'onanism' will go from once every 4 days to none at all, and that I will understand Christ's sacrifice on the Cross better so I'll grow a better appreciation of Jesus and feel the Holy Spirit in a deeper sense beyond simply discerning true from false doctrine.

 

[Stranger36147]

I will pray for you.

 

[anna ~ grace]

I will pray for you, too. As you journey from impurity to growing in purity, take it one step at a time. Pray, and let God's love and mercy direct, guide, teach, heal, and redirect you. It's a journey.

 

[Jeshu]

You have travelled a long way and it is so good to see how Jesus preserved your life.

i have struggled with similar issues as you, also taking medication now and doing much better.

What i found the most helpful was going to God in my sexual self, like when i feel in the mood for sex, and sharing all my dreams and longings with Him. It was a bit of a fire at first! So much crap burned up in this process, and it made me committed to have sex God's way not to follow my flesh any longer.

i found that the more grace i ate, the more my love for God grew, and the stronger i became resisting sin.

So each time you fall. Repent and eat grace. Let His love flood your heart and mind and lift you out of your falls, time and again, teaching you to be firm in your resolve to stay free from deliberate sins.

Wretched Sinner is what i am Lord
i'm corrupted to the core
my purity has left me
my integrity lays down trodden
trust in You i struggle to have
i transgress against Your love
miserable sinner that i am
what hope is there for me?

(Lord's reply)

I am The Lord your God
I have kept you
in the palm of My hand
I will not let you go
The blood of Jesus cleanses
you are Mine
Forever
Mine.

 

[Grip Docility]

It's really odd how despite the fact that I believe salvation comes through God alone through Jesus Christ regardless of our spiritual and mental state, I still feel as if my salvation hangs by the 'weights and balances' of what I do with my life. Am I being slothful sitting here on my PC while I could be reading Scripture and praying all day? Am I being distracted by violent video games? I feel like all of these things contribute to God's anger towards me, especially the 'onanism;' that incites God's wrath like none other. (Onanism means masturbation in this case.)

For some context, my father was legalistic to some degree. He expected of me good standards and I constantly delivered to fail in secret. I never revealed to him my utterly uncontrolled addiction to 'onanism' at the time. I let it slide by so I wouldn't be shamed by him for being a 'sexually unpure fool' or something. I wasn't being a Christian, merely an imitator of an earthly father that couldn't seem to find joy in the Christian life, therefore any joy I found was either short-lived or simply fake, a misery touted as joy.

Then it's revealed he had affairs with other women outside of the (former) marriage. It triggered a faith upheaval in me and I completely went and rejected all he taught me. Did I stop professing Christianity? Not at that time, at least. I went in the opposite direction. From what he knew of my change, he violently disagreed and wanted me to back down. I had nowhere to go. Nobody to talk to. My views were alien to everyone around me.

Hyper-Calvinism.

The religious issues continued to happen. The 'onanism' stayed mostly steady and I believe I became even more pressured to hold to 'perfect doctrine' and try to stop the 'onanism' in vain in order to please a filthy angry God who knew nothing of grace or love. (In my view; most Calvinists think otherwise which is fantastic.) That's where the bulk of my personal legalism came to fruition. My addictions never went away. It started a cycle of depression where I felt I was completely unworthy of doing anything good and I let my addiction to everything spiral so far out of control that my behavior would ring alarm bells as loud as jet planes saying 'FALSE CONVERT FALSE CONVERT' and I believe it was true.

My belief in my legalistic faith slowly derailed over the course of a couple years. Initially I noticed no change as 2015 rolled into 2016 rolled into 2017, but early to mid-2017 found me realizing that my faith... wait, there wasn't any. I sat there in austere confusion realizing I didn't even believe in the God I was taught as a child. I believed in a god but the Christian God felt alien and hateful in my eyes and I diverged into a pathway of wanton sexual communication and severe entertainment of homosexual impulses, in which the memory of that makes my skin crawl, so to say.

Agnosticism.

It felt strange, that religiously nebulous dimension from 2017 to 2019. Ironically I never accepted evolution and still believed in some form of creationism, but my views were very wishy-washy and I had enough knowledge of Christianity to talk about it to my mother from time to time without convincing myself that Jesus was actually the Christ. I let myself fall into a pit of ignorance where I 'accepted' that 'nothing was right and nobody could ever know,' meaning for both evolutionary scientists and hard-line Christians. I simply let myself wallow into that sort of 'caveman' void where I let myself get stupid.

I've mentioned the Franklin Graham conference before, but that conference sparked a mixture of a former legalistic flame and something else entirely, a flame of joy that contradicted the legalistic flame. I believe the desire to follow the Law and to seek out the Cross are fighting a vicious battle while I watch them duke it out.

My rates of 'onanism' have dropped from 15 - 30 times a day to about once every 4. I take risperidone for my anxiety and it's seemed to ease some of the OCD symptoms that I experience from day to day. It's also reduced my sex drive dramatically which makes me feel somewhat better about my 'purity' although I keep telling myself that it's legalism speaking to me, not God, in that regard.

What I need prayer for is that my 'onanism' will go from once every 4 days to none at all, and that I will understand Christ's sacrifice on the Cross better so I'll grow a better appreciation of Jesus and feel the Holy Spirit in a deeper sense beyond simply discerning true from false doctrine.

I'm going to share something with you.

Onan was in full blown copulation with the woman he was with. It happened to be his bride by Hebrew Law... who had been widowed by his brother.

Now, check this out... God struck Onan's brother dead for being exceedingly wicked.

Onan didn't "Onan"... but "Pulled Out" and spilled a very important seed. The Onan teaching covers up the real meaning of that story!

Enter Genealogy... The Lineage of JESUS CHRIST is rooted in many passages of scripture and given in two of the Gospels. One of the Lineage's belongs to Jesus' Father-in-Law, through his name's sake.... and the other belongs to Mary, through her Father's name-sake.

The teaching of ONAN is an example of men making rules out of scripture and in doing so hiding the most beautiful truth.

Tamar is the key to your mystery. She is in the direct lineage of Jesus Christ! Judah, who was her Father-in-law ends up being tricked into taking her to the bedroom, because she disguised herself as a Prostitute at the city gates.

God didn't KILL Onan for "Onaning", but killed Onan, because he did not want to knock Tamar up, as his child would have been given as his brothers child, per Hebrew Law. Onan spilled Thine Divine Seed that was meticulously guarded by God, for the lineage of Jesus Christ... AKA God the Son Incarnate. (The Human side of the coin, so to speak)

While I'm at it, I'll tell you another thing... Any man from the age of 11 - 50 that claims they don't "Onan" is either lying, overwhelmed by life, or cursed with an enormously low "Intimacy" drive.

Now, you don't have to believe me, but if you take the key words I have given you... "Tamar" "Judah" "Lineage" and read the story of ONAN, knowing what you have just read, you'll see that people that have more than just "Rocks" in their "Hand" to stone your Saved Soul for "Onaning"... (Subtext intended)... don't know what they're talking about.

All Love in Jesus Christ to you. If you want that Peace that passes understanding, you better get to studying... and oh yea... Remember this... John 5:39-40. That's the foundation of "Christology"... get to studying!

 

[Grip Docility]

You don't need to read your paper bible. You have google. Type in "Story of Onan" into the search bar, and ta da! You can do all your bible searching this way. It may be a more "gratifying" search endeavor than you're used to, from the sounds of your despair.

 

[LoricaLady]

I will be frank. it is absolutely true that salvation comes only through the Blood of Messiah, and putting our trust in Him. However, if we truly trust in Him, we obey Him. He said, "If you love me, keep My Commandments." Contrary to what many believe, He did not bring a new order of laws, like simply loving the Father and others, but always upheld the Law that His Father gave to us in the Old Testament. For example, when He was asked what the greatest laws were - not asked which were new and improved - He quoted the Torah (Old Testament books) - verbatim in saying we are to love the Father with all our hearts and souls and minds and resources and to love our neighbors as ourselves. The Torah even tells us to love our enemies, so that was nothing new either.

If we love the Father, just as if we love His Son, we obey Him. Yes, salvation comes through the Lamb, but we can miss out on that salvation if we keep on sinning and sinning egregiously. There is mercy, yes, there are "2nd chances" galore. But there are also limits,which only He knows for each person. In fact Messiah said clearly that "few" would take the straight and narrow path to salvation.

Surely no Christian, for instance, thinks they can commit adultery, steal, bow down to other gods and so on and just breeze into Heaven when they die. The Commandments are still in effect. All of the Word of YHWH is still in effect. "YHWH changes not" and "will not alter" what goes out of His mouth.

Therefore, to be honest, I would philosophize less, think less about what your Father did or did not say about this and that, and concentrate on prayers for true repentance.

The book Every Man's Battle has helped many with inappropriate contentography. You know what Messiah said, that if you even look at a woman with lust you have broken the commandment about not committing adultery. Your battle is so common but He is well able to deliver you out of it, and maybe that book, which is written with a Christian perspective, will help with that.

I pray you will come into a close walk with the Lord and be made truly free in our Savior.

 

[Grip Docility]

Simply desiring to encourage a sibling who is afraid of losing their salvation.

To bind loss of salvation to (Onan the Religious teaching, not the Scriptural teaching) ... and then bind it to loss of Salvation through repetition is an egregious error in my mind.

This is how 1,000,000’s Of Male Teenage Christians are led to doubt their relationship with God and even become inclined towards self harm.

If the blood can’t save a teenage boy that (Onan’s - False religious interpretation)... all men that accept Jesus before the time their hormones level off are damned.

 

[LoricaLady]

To bind loss of salvation to (Onan the Religious teaching, not the Scriptural teaching) ... and then bind it to loss of Salvation through repetition is an egregious error in my mind.

This is how 1,000,000’s Of Male Teenage Christians are led to doubt their relationship with God and even become inclined towards self harm.

If the blood can’t save a teenage boy that (Onan’s - False religious interpretation)... all men that accept Jesus before the time their hormones level off are damned.

This is not a debate forum, but I will respond this one time. I said the Commandments are still in effect. They are. I said that Messiah said that if a man looks on a woman with lust that He has already committed adultery in His heart. That's true too. If breaking the Commandments is no big deal, and we still get to go to Heaven, then why did He say "few" would make it in and "If you love Me, keep My Commandments"?

I also said that He is the Lord of "2nd chances" galore and that only He know how many for any individual. It is not wise, though, in my studied opinion, to think that we can break the commandments over and over and just say "Well, the Blood will save me." We are to repent of our sins out of gratitude for the Blood and love for the One Who shed it.

I didn't say the Blood can't save. I said it DOES save. Along with trusting in the Lord. We are told that trusting in the Son is necessary for salvation. If we trust Him, we trust Him. We trust Him to save us. To save us from what? From our sins, from the world, the flesh and the devil. inappropriate content is very serious. It supports organizations like the mafia. It destroys the lives of women, sometimes children, that are in it. It destroys families. It destroys souls. You either walk with the Lord, sooner or later, before you die, or you walk with the devil. Who is behind inappropriate content? The devil. Those walking with him are not walking the straight and narrow path that Messiah said only "few" take, which leads to Heaven.

Again, He can save people from it. Absolutely. He does all the time. But if we think it is no big deal, that's just not what the Bible says at all.

If that is not already apparent to you, then there is nothing else I can say and, anyway, again, this is not a debate forum.

 

[Grip Docility]

Simply posting this to encourage a sibling in Christ with scripture and for no other reason.

Romans 5:8 ; Romans 3:23 ; 2 Corinthians 12:9

All fall short in their own ways and are without hope, if not for Jesus Christ.

Galatians 5:4

You who are trying to be justified by the Law have been severed from Christ; you have fallen away from grace.

 

[LoricaLady]

Simply posting this to encourage a sibling in Christ with scripture and for no other reason.

Romans 5:8 ; Romans 3:23 ; 2 Corinthians 12:9

All fall short in their own ways and are without hope, if not for Jesus Christ.

Galatians 5:4

You who are trying to be justified by the Law have been severed from Christ; you have fallen away from grace.

Yes, all fall short, and that fits with what I said about "2nd chances galore." However, there is a huge difference between falling short and not taking the Word seriously and thinking that there is no Law, no rules from Heaven.

Romans 2:12 - For as many as have sinned without Law will also perish without Law, and as many as have sinned in the Law will be judged by the Law 13 (for not the hearers of the Law [are] just in the sight of YHWH, but the doers of the Law will be justified;

Romans 3:31 - Do we then make void the Law through faith? Certainly not! On the contrary, we establish the Law.

Romans 6:16 - Do you not know that to whom you present yourselves slaves to obey, you are that one's slaves whom you obey, whether of sin [leading] to death, or of obedience [leading] to righteousness? [This is clearly saying that sin leads to death, i.e. eternal death. Again, there is mercy, there are opportunities to turn around, but sin still leads to eternal death if we don't take it seriously and take it to the Lord. Not my opinion. It's what the Word says over and over.]

2Tim 2:22 - Flee also youthful lusts; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on YHWH [aka God] out of a pure heart.

All these quotes are from Paul whom we are often taught said the law was no longer in effect. Here is another quote from him.

Acts 25:8 Paul denied the charges. “I am not guilty of any crime against the Jewish laws or the Temple or the Roman government,” he said.

Oh, and we can't say there is one law for Jews like Paul and one law for the rest of us. The Bible never even hints at any such divide. In fact in the Torah we are told that aliens/foreigners are to obey the same Law in Israel as the Israelites and in the New Testament we are told "There is neither Greek nor Jew."

I said I wouldn't go on with this, but this time I truly won't. It's between you and the Lord and the Word.

You are concerned that someone will turn from the Lord if he is told inappropriate content is a sin? I am concerned that someone will never turn to the Lord for help and freedom if he is not told it is a sin.

 

[Grip Docility]

Yes, all fall short, and that fits with what I said about "2nd chances galore." However, there is a huge difference between falling short and not taking the Word seriously and thinking that there is no Law, no rules from Heaven.

Romans 2:12 - For as many as have sinned without Law will also perish without Law, and as many as have sinned in the Law will be judged by the Law 13 (for not the hearers of the Law [are] just in the sight of YHWH, but the doers of the Law will be justified;

Romans 3:31 - Do we then make void the Law through faith? Certainly not! On the contrary, we establish the Law.

Romans 6:16 - Do you not know that to whom you present yourselves slaves to obey, you are that one's slaves whom you obey, whether of sin [leading] to death, or of obedience [leading] to righteousness? [This is clearly saying that sin leads to death, i.e. eternal death. Again, there is mercy, there are opportunities to turn around, but sin still leads to eternal death if we don't take it seriously and take it to the Lord. Not my opinion. It's what the Word says over and over.]

2Tim 2:22 - Flee also youthful lusts; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on Yahweh out of a pure heart.

All these quotes are from Paul whom we are often taught said the law was no longer in effect. Here is another quote from him.

Acts 25:8 Paul denied the charges. “I am not guilty of any crime against the Jewish laws or the Temple or the Roman government,” he said.

Oh, and we can't say there is one law for Jews like Paul and one law for the rest of us. The Bible never even hints at any such divide. In fact in the Torah we are told that aliens/foreigners are to obey the same Law in Israel as the Israelites and in the New Testament we are told "There is neither Greek nor Jew."

I said I wouldn't go on with this, but this time I truly won't. It's between you and the Lord and the Word.

You are concerned that someone will turn from the Lord if he is told inappropriate content is a sin? I am concerned that someone will never turn to the Lord for help and freedom if he is not told it is a sin.

Please forgive me Loricalady,

I don’t think we are supposed to debate here.

I wanted to lift this sibling up in faith.

I have a Sola Fide (Faith Alone) Thread up in religion if you would like to discuss this, further. I appreciate the time you’ve taken to share your convictions.

All blessings in our Lord, God and Savior, Jesus Christ, to you.

 

[LoricaLady]

I have let the Word speak for me and have nothing more to say.

 

[LoricaLady]

Just saw my post was redundant, about what Onanism is, to one above.