Relationships and Age Gaps

oreos · Sep 25, 2005

Hi,

I am twenty four and I am falling for a girl who is ten years younger than me. I am wondering if the Bible has anything to say regarding the issue of love, and specifically that between two people of a ten-year age gap.

After much thought and discussion with a few people, I seem to get the general idea that there are many people who would frown upon a relationship with such an age gap, because of the general distrust and suspicions that one would have of the older person and his intentions in such a relationship.

Having said that, I can sufficiently say that my intentions are that of someone who is on the verge of falling for her (and perhaps quite so already on the way down the valley of love).

Are there any other things that I should be concerned with with regards to considering the possibility of such a relationship?

One question I've been asked frequently is what do I see in her. I've often find it hard to describe the things about a girl that makes me love her. But I think partially it helps that we share similar outlooks in life, and opinions on core issues, such as religion. Also, she's incredibly bright and witty, and we understand each other's nuances. And she has that desire and interest to know a little bit about everything, much like myself.

If anything, I am more knowledgeable on how I feel about her. And that is, I would want to get to know her as much as I can even more, wanting to take care of her and be there for her when she is down and out. Be there to guide her if I feel she might be going down the wrong road. Revel in that emotional closeness, where we can share our ups and downs with each other. To give in to her if she should have flaws and try and compensate for those flaws by being more understanding.

Some people have said that the difference in maturity would be an obstacle and I understand how that's true with regards to coping with say, relationship arguments.

Apart from that, it is hard for me to see how someone from a similar maturity level, having experienced similar things would attract me more. I do not feel more attracted to a person more just because they have went to college, or because they went thru similar harrowing experiences as I did.

Firstly because I personally feel that similarity in experiences do not necessarily result in the same mature, wise choices, or in other words do not bring about wisdom in everybody. I've known older people who are rather foolish and younger people who continually surprise me with their pearls of wisdom that we've been blinded to.

Secondly I think for me and for others, it might be a misguided notion to say that maturity is an attractive factor. For me, it's the personality and belief systems that attracts me.

I may be wrong but I believe where maturity fails, it is our belief systems that comes to our rescue. In that sense, I feel that maturity is merely a reaffirmation of our beliefs that is shaped from our parents as well as from the Bible.

Lastly, I feel that perhaps sometimes the issue of maturity may be brought up as a result of the sense of uneasiness and perplexity that arises from not being able to understand how an older person can fall for a much younger person. Having said that, I wonder if we can ever truly understand in other cases, why those couples fell for each other, what is it that they see in each other.

I am only your average guy on the block so I may have missed out on some pearls of wisdom that the Bible may has with regards to relationships and wide age gaps specifically. As far as I know, I don't know of any but would be grateful to hear if there is, and well even if it is not from the Bible, it would still be good to hear your thoughts on this.

5stringJeff · Sep 25, 2005

If I were you, I would be less concerned about what the Bible says and more concerned with what your state laws say. In, say, five years, when you are 29 and she is 19, not an issue. Right now, at 24 and 14, big issue.

oreos · Sep 25, 2005

Thank you for your response. I was thinking of a celibate relationship and I understand the laws are for sex with minors? Correct me there.

fishstix · Sep 25, 2005

24 and 14? What do you think her parents are going to say about that? And at 14, her parents' opinion certainly does count. Saying that many people would frown on a relationship with that age gap is an understatement. Almost everybody around you would likely be absolutely appalled by the fact that a fully grown man would be dating a child. Regardless of whether you have sex with her or not, you are treading on dangerous ground legally. There are a lot of activities short of sex that could get you in legal trouble. Especially if you are ever in a position of authority over her, such as a youth group leader or something like that. Even if you don't break any laws, it doesn't make it a wise decision. She is a child compared to you. Let her grow up before you entertain thoughts of dating her.

Think about what this would be like from her perspective. At 14, even someone who is just 16 or 18 seems really old. At 24, from a 14 year old perspective, you might as well be her dad. You could really do damage to her by bringing her into a dating relationship with you. Think about what you would be teaching her - among other things that it's ok to totally disregard what one's parents say. You say that you have been through 'harrowing experiences' and that you want to 'share ups and downs with each other'. She's 14 - she's almost certainly not ready to handle sharing the ups and downs that a 24 year old may go through. Especially not things that you would consider to be harrowing experiences. She may think that she is, but do you really think that it would be a good thing for her? Let her be an adolescent - don't make her grow old before her time. Consider what it would be like if the relationship doesn't work out and you break up. She'll likely have a stigma attached to her at school - her peers will think of her as the girl who dates old men. After dating one 24 year old, what's she going to go for next? Perhaps she'll naively choose another 24 year old who doesn't have motives as pure as yours.

If you really love her, think of her, not just of you. Let her grow up; let her be 14. Don't push her into the world of a 24 year old. Even if she likes you back, you're the adult and you need to make a decision that will be best for her - don't date her until she's grown up.

PorcelainHeart · Sep 26, 2005

No offence but she is way too young for you, she is a preteen why you are a grown man. I think you need to wait a long time to have her. The age gap is important because she isn't an adult yet.

oreos · Sep 26, 2005

In disregarding what her parents say, I definitely would not like that to happen with her. Although I wonder what it was like fifty years ago when parents of one cultural or ethnic background would oppose to their son who would fall for the daughter of another. While I understand the parents' protective feelings, I think I would try my best to let them see me for who I really am. On my part, I feel it is difficult to accept that people of my age group are being stereotyped like such.

I understand where you are coming from and I thought about the same questions myself as well many a times. With regards to a young person sharing the ups and downs with another person, I can only say this from my limited personal experience. When I was 14, I had friends from a wide age group, some as old as I am now, and I remember listening to their difficulties, some far worse than mine now and then I get people being thankful for my being understanding and for listening to them.

I think empathy definitely does not come with age, but is either something we have been blessed with or perhaps we have been blessed with other gifts.

And as for the stigma, that thought still haunts me a lot. I understand the stereotypes that people have of guys in their twenties generally. Still, I believe we can't stop people from forming thoughts about all sorts of things, from stigma about age differences to just about any other differences - wealth, education and not too long ago, race.

As for dating 24 year olds, I see where you are coming from. Looking at it another way, if she doesn't date me, she would date another 24 year old anyway, some of whom as you say may not have purer intentions. Whether or not she dates me would not change that part of the equation. Although on another note, I don't think it may be fair to stereotype her as the sort of person who would date 24 year olds. I feel love strikes you just like that, without care for nationality, age, race, wealth or education.

Furthermore, I believe that people's choices and much less personalities do not drastically change over the course of age. If they at 24, have decent personalities, then I'll say that they were probably like that at 15 and vice versa for the less than desirable ones. So to say that 24 year olds are more likely to be predators, I will have to say that they have been predators all along. And likewise for those who aren't. (with the exception of those who adopt life-changing choices at some point in time in their life, for instance from being a Christian to being an atheist, which could explain for the subsequent changes in their attidudes and actions in life)

And lastly I don't mean to be contradictory but I think the notion that romantic love would let a person be, just doesn't ring true of reality. As is the case of Romeo and Juliet, when Romeo fell for Juliet, despite the fact that they were going to face a lot of discrimination from their families, did that manage to stop Romeo? He fell for her and he had this immense desire to be with her irregardless of what their families thought of them.

Thank you for your thoughts as they continually to make me ponder things from a variety of angles and try and understand myself. These are my thoughts for the moment and I'm still pondering on things.

ReformedChapin · Sep 26, 2005

I think you have to take into consideration that fact that shes so young and doesn't really know what she wants out of life yet. She's starting to grow up and as she matures her views might not be the same as yours.

Avaya · Sep 26, 2005

My step-daughter is 2 months shy of 14. If a 24 year old man LOOKED twice at her, I'd be on his doorstep! She is a CHILD. You have no business spending ANY time with her at all - let alone enough time for you to 'think' you're falling for her. Wait 10 years and let her grow up - then if you haven't found an adult relationship in the meantime, give her a call.

KeLBin · Sep 26, 2005

yup you better wait shes too young and how about you look for more of God than a relationship and if your still wanna argue about it then idunno what to say but jail bait Brotha and IF you still wanna ask her out which i say you shouldnt how about you ask her parents LOL lets hear there response

bliz · Sep 26, 2005

oreos said:
In disregarding what her parents say, I definitely would not like that to happen with her. Although I wonder what it was like fifty years ago when parents of one cultural or ethnic background would oppose to their son who would fall for the daughter of another. While I understand the parents' protective feelings, I think I would try my best to let them see me for who I really am. On my part, I feel it is difficult to accept that people of my age group are being stereotyped like such.

This has nothing to do with being sterotyped!!! You are a 24 year old man, she is a 14 year old girl. No sterotypes involved! Men should not date girls. Period. End of discussion.

Again - wait a few years and this is no longer an issue. But right now it is a very big issue!!

No, you do not understand the parent's protective feelings. No one but a parent does.

I understand where you are coming from and I thought about the same questions myself as well many a times. With regards to a young person sharing the ups and downs with another person, I can only say this from my limited personal experience. When I was 14, I had friends from a wide age group, some as old as I am now, and I remember listening to their difficulties, some far worse than mine now and then I get people being thankful for my being understanding and for listening to them.

There are signifigant differences between being friends with someone and dating someone.

I think empathy definitely does not come with age, but is either something we have been blessed with or perhaps we have been blessed with other gifts.

Empathy is something we should all strive to have. It is not optional. None of us should live our lives without care and compassion for our fellow human beings.

And as for the stigma, that thought still haunts me a lot. I understand the stereotypes that people have of guys in their twenties generally. Still, I believe we can't stop people from forming thoughts about all sorts of things, from stigma about age differences to just about any other differences - wealth, education and not too long ago, race.

What about the stigma you will be putting on her???????!!!!! This is not all about you!!!

As for dating 24 year olds, I see where you are coming from. Looking at it another way, if she doesn't date me, she would date another 24 year old anyway, some of whom as you say may not have purer intentions. Whether or not she dates me would not change that part of the equation. Although on another note, I don't think it may be fair to stereotype her as the sort of person who would date 24 year olds. I feel love strikes you just like that, without care for nationality, age, race, wealth or education.

What are you saying??? First you say that if she did not date you, she would date another 24 year old. This is illogical and nonsensical. She does not have to date anyone, let alone another 24 year old! And what sort of 14 year old dates 24 year olds? You hasten to add that she is not that kind of girl, but whatever knid you think that is, that is what everyone else will think of her. If you love her, why would you subject her to that?

And lastly I don't mean to be contradictory but I think the notion that romantic love would let a person be, just doesn't ring true of reality. As is the case of Romeo and Juliet, when Romeo fell for Juliet, despite the fact that they were going to face a lot of discrimination from their families, did that manage to stop Romeo? He fell for her and he had this immense desire to be with her irregardless of what their families thought of them.

And we can see how well that romance turned out, can't we? Is that the kind of happily ever after you have in mind?

Wait 5 years. I know many people who have waited 4 or 5 years - college employees who met prospective college students whom they were interested in. It would have been inappropriate and wrong to do or say anythign to them while they were college students, and so they waited. I know men and woman who have been in this exact situation - and they waited until after graduation day, and then made thier move.

Men have no business dating girls.

heartnsoul · Sep 27, 2005

I don't doubt that she may indeed be mature for her age...however you need to realize that she is still 14 years old. She is still a teenager/kid. You are a young adult now. Teenagers have raging hormones and teenage girls (especially) are very vulnerable to having "crushes" and "infatuations" with older men. When I was 16 years old, I was infatuated with my accounting teacher (who was probably old enough to be my father!) and I also fell for a neighbor who was twice my age!! I had mature conversations with them and thought maturely for my age...BUT I was still just a kid, a normal teenage girl who went through phases of different crushes on men. I also fell in love with Rhett Butler on the old movie, "Gone with the Wind" and Robert Redford in the movie "The Way We Were." I could list countless of crushes/infatuations I had and yet I also considered myself to be very mature and wise for my age group. But a kid is still a kid. There is still a huge gap of EXPERIENCE AND WISDOM between a 14-year old and a 24-year old.

I am going to have to agree with all the other posts. Let her grow up. It's okay to look out for her as a friend, but nothing more. Think back when you were her age. No matter how mature you thought you were, you were STILL JUST A KID. Just because you met a few older adults who were not wise, that doesn't justify you seeking a romantic relationship with a teenager. There are plenty other adults out there who ARE wise and mature. Try to eagerly pursue dating services or continually make new friends to find ones who are of the proper age to pursue a relationship/friendship with.

For the those of us who are older than you (me included), we know from being older and wiser that you still have a lot to learn as well. Twenty four is just the start of learning more about life and the world. The truth be told, a mature, wise man would not be seeking a young teenager for a romantic relationship. As you get older, you will understand why all of us are advising you to stay away and let her grow up. May God grant you wisdom to do the right thing.

woobadooba · Sep 27, 2005

oreos said:
Thank you for your response. I was thinking of a celibate relationship and I understand the laws are for sex with minors? Correct me there.

No 14 year old is ready for a serious relationship! She is too young to be thinking about guys in that way.

She is too young, period!

justjan · Sep 27, 2005

Look there are problems with a 10 year age span even where the spouses are 40 and 50. One is in working on the best years of their career while the other is starting to think seriously about retirement. A 10 year age gap is always going to be an issue. Not necessarily a huge issue, but an issue none the less. I am telling you that from personal experience.

She is just starting to manage the social environment of high school and you are old enough to have finished college and be working on starting a career.

She has never had a serious relationship and you are old enough to be thinking about marriage. She thinks that she has some understanding about what a marriage might be like. You have an idea of what kind of marriage you want.

I have a 14 year old myself. She has changed her mind 6 times in the last month about what color she wants her hair or her room.

I would NEVER allow my 14 year old to go on a one on one date. We allow group activities only with her peers.

No 24 year old guy could EVER show up on my doorstep and be allowed to take my kid anywhere alone.

From your perspective you ought to think about this a different way. No smart 24 year old guy spends time alone with a girl this age. Teachers don't, counselors don't, police officers don't. There is a reason for that. You have everything at risk here if she says or implies that you have done ANYTHING remotely inappropriate.

I would like to repeat that this is not a stereotype. No 14 year old has more than 14 years of life experience. No matter how mature she is she still acts like a teenager. From a biological perspective her brain hasn't even finished growing. The frontal lobe containing the area that is capable of long term decisions is still being formed. She still has not had any real responsibility in her life and she still cannot get through the week without riding an emotional rollercoaster.

The social norm today is that you are an adult and she is a child. If you want to balk at that, I would suggest that you have a maturity problem.

oreos · Sep 27, 2005

I thank NewGuy101 and heartnsoul for their comments, in particular because their posts are somewhat sensible and holds food for thought.

NewGuy101, yeah I guess you're right. What we look for in another person certainly does change with age. And to be involved with someone whose idea of what he or she looks for in a person is not stable/mature yet, would be a folly.

Heartnsoul, so to take on further from what you've said, would you then say that dating and relationships aren't particularly ideal when someone is younger? At what age would a person generally be well suited to date with the intention of having a relationship? This question goes out to everybody as well. I suppose the topic has changed somewhat and it would be good to hear your thoughts. (Please post something like 16, 18 or not sure, with reasons if possible)

If it helps, your thoughts have made me ponder carefully and I am still considering thoughtfully.

As for making many friends, I have many, many friends of all ages, of both genders. I can't say what it is but I'm not drawn to them even though I've dated quite a number of them and are not attracted to them even though they are to me. I mean, they are what the world would probably seek for in a relationship partner, having the looks, sophistication, fits in well with social norms, but I find it frustrating that I'm not attracted to them.

I'll keep in mind what you have said and try to figure out what you mean, heartnsoul. Thanks.

Ant21 · Sep 27, 2005

Ephesians 6

1Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2"Honor your father and mother"which is the first commandment with a promise 3"that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth."

Matthew 18

6But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.
7"Woe to the world because of the things that cause people to sin! Such things must come, but woe to the man through whom they come!

Mark 9:42

"And if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a large millstone tied around his neck.

fishstix · Sep 27, 2005

oreos said:
In disregarding what her parents say, I definitely would not like that to happen with her. Although I wonder what it was like fifty years ago when parents of one cultural or ethnic background would oppose to their son who would fall for the daughter of another. While I understand the parents' protective feelings, I think I would try my best to let them see me for who I really am. On my part, I feel it is difficult to accept that people of my age group are being stereotyped like such.

A 20-something year old isn't going to have the whole 'predator' etc. stigma attached to him until he (or she) starts making foolish decisions like showing romantic interest in a young teenager. It's not the age group that's the problem, it's the fact that you are a grown man and she is a young teenager - little more than a child. I'm sure that if she was 20, you would have a good chance at having her parents see you for who you really are. They wouldn't be stereotyping you because of your age, because your age would then be appropriate to her age. But the fact that you are a grown man who would be seeking a romantic relationship with a young teenager would itself speak volumes to the parents. It doesn't matter how nice of a grown man you are, it just isn't appropriate for you to be dating a 14 year old. More than likely, the first thought that would come into the parents' minds would be something along the lines of 'pedophile' - not because you are in your 20's, but because you are an adult and she is a child. It would be just as much of a problem if you were in your 30's or 40's. It would even be a problem if you were 18 or 19.

And as for the stigma, that thought still haunts me a lot. I understand the stereotypes that people have of guys in their twenties generally. Still, I believe we can't stop people from forming thoughts about all sorts of things, from stigma about age differences to just about any other differences - wealth, education and not too long ago, race.

You yourself would likely get the stigma of someone who preys upon children. That's going to mean that women of all ages will probably start to shun you. And that will follow you for quite some time, unless you totally relocate yourself to another area where nobody knows you. It's not going to end when you reach the end of your 20's, because it has nothing to do with being in one's 20's.

But think about the stigma that she will get as well. She would probably be thought of by her peers as someone who is easy. In high school, girls who date older guys are generally assumed to be having sex with them - regardless of whether they are or not. The high school crowd would see no other reason for an older man to be dating someone so much younger. Her word would mean very little - they would assume that she was lying. In other words, you would be totally destroying her reputation and seriously damaging her Christian witness. You can indeed stop people from thinking those things, simply by not putting her into that situation.

So to say that 24 year olds are more likely to be predators, I will have to say that they have been predators all along.

It's not that 24 year olds are more likely to be predators. I'm 24 myself. The age isn't the problem. It's the adults who approach young teenagers for romantic relationships who are likely to be predators.

turntheothercheek · Sep 28, 2005

It's probably already been said but this girl is GOING to change. As she goes through her teens, she's going to change a lot. Think back to when you or anyone else was 14 and how much you changed over 5 or so years. I was 14 two years ago but I am such a different person now than I was then. There's no point saying "she's all mature now etc" because at 14, the chances of her being as mature as a 24 year old are really slim.

A very good friend of mine (18) told me he liked younger girls (12,13). It took me a while to get through to him the fact that they were going to change. He had a troublesome past and in the end we established with Gods help the fact that he didn't Love these girls in the romantic way, he loved them because he wanted to protect them from going through what he did. I don't know what you've been through but maybe you need to think "Have I got my feelings confused?".

But, like the other posters said, If you do love her - lay off her until she's at least 18. Be a friend to her and a good one at that but DON'T push it any further. She's vulnerable at the moment and if you do love her you'll respect her and hold off until she is mature enough and responsible for what she does.
Praying for you guys

oreos · Sep 28, 2005

I appreciate the wisdom of turntheothercheek, that is to pray to God for his guidance and to see if that is what God wants, if it is good.

I think the thing I'm sensing from the posts so far is the assumption that I am in it for lust.

I thank you all for your concern and it's definitely a good reminder to check oneselves that we are not in relationships out of lust.

As for maturity, and I found justjan's post on frontal lobe cool as I have happened to have read that as well - unfortunately that is something that's inconclusive. Not everybody who grows old grows mature in wisdom, and I will readily admit that I am not fully mature. Just as well, I doubt that anyone can reasonably say that they are.

For me, wisdom and maturity comes from the Lord and is about living one's life in accordance to His commands. I look at it as not something which you can accumulate like age, never having the fear of losing it but rather it's something you continually upkeep by reading the Word of God and going to church. I seem to backslide in maturity when I start forgetting Biblical teachings, and by this I don't just mean spiritual maturity but wisdom-wise, mentally as well. I think that is also the reason why we can learn wise or mature things from people younger than us.

While I do not dispute the wisdom of some social norms of thought, I think there is even lesser wisdom in casting blanket statements as to whether an adolescent person is capable of maturity and implicitly based in this thread context, that love is agreeable if a set of features to look for from A to Z is fulfilled, one of which is maturity.

Granted that as 24 one is very different from when one is 22, but that occurs right till you die, that you are an everchanging person (unless one chooses not to learn or grow much for a particular period of time). Granted that as 14 you have many crushes, but even at 40 you have many crushes still (even though you may call it by other names such as affairs - basically crushes ending up in sex, what more those that did not). Granted there is a difference between childhood and adulthood, but adolescence is a concept born out of cultural settings in the recent years and is different from the concept of childhood. Granted there is a possibility she falsely accuses me of misdemeanours, but that unfortunately is liable to happen in any relationship with people of any age (think rape accusations in the case of older relationships). Nevertheless I appreciate the cautions you have brought up and will mull over it.

I look at it from a Biblical point of view and the Bible advises more and less than what has been instructed in this thread.

At the end, I understand how the case of your offsprings would be less than mature. Perhaps they have not been handed opportunities to be so. People tend to behave as expected so if a parent expects them to be childish, there is that tendency for them to conform to the parent's expectations.

I thank you all for your opinions and turntheothercheek, thanks I am already a friend. I think that while it is hard to say for sure as to whether I truly love her (only time can tell), I think there is really no core issue as long as I uphold the Biblical commands including that concerning chastity.

Maybe things may not work out after all when we further discover more about each other in the course of friendship/dating.

Granted I may be wrong, but insofar this is how I feel and think.

fishstix · Sep 28, 2005

Are you thinking at all about what this would do to her or just about what would make you happy? Do you intend to let her parents know about this?

oreos · Sep 28, 2005

The assumptions contained in your questions is contradictory to what I have mentioned in my previous posts including the last one.

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