Relationship Troubles

[unjustwar]

This might sound weird but I feel like I'm spending too much time with my girlfriend. I've talked it over with her four times already and it was always ends up the same way. She wants to spend as much time with me as possible and I sometimes I just don't feel like being around anyone including her. I know I'm not being selfish because I sacrifice a lot of things to be around her. Sometimes were talking like every day (15+ hours) She is one of those people that feels her entire family hates her and that she doesn't have any real friends (not sure if thats true) but maybe thats why she is so clingy to me. It sometimes gets to the point where I feel I'm drifting away from her. I don't want to set time limits but I also don't want to feel this way.

 

[Leanna]

Awww. That's tough, but not uncommon. I guess I can think of a couple ideas. First, you'll need to talk to her again. She may feel like when you don't want to spend time with her its HER, but you have to tell her you need time to do ______ (insert activity that interests you but not her). It sounds like possibly she is an extrovert (draws energy from people) and you are an introvert (draws energy from being alone) and you should probably talk about that too. Find a church where she can make other friends to hang out with. Encourage her to get involved in something that interests her (choir at church, the drama group) or some kind of hobby. Sometimes maybe you could be in the same place but not really spending time together and maybe that would meet her need also (for example, you are playing on the computer and she is reading over on the couch). If you want it to work with her, you will probably have to compromise and spend more time with her than you prefer, and she will have to spend more time alone than she prefers. You will have to talk about that also. And if neither of you want to compromise, then maybe just break up.....

 

[Maeyken]

My guess is that you're an intovert, and need that time to yourself to "re-energize". If your gf is an extrovert, she may have trouble understanding your need for time all alone. If she's also an introvert, then she may "get it" better. Either way, I'd give a try at explaining to her that it's not her you're trying to avoid... you just need that time alone to recharge, reenergize yourself. Your emotional energy gets drained when you are around people (especially large groups). If you don't have adequate time to yourself, you'll probably feel grumpy, and emotionally drained.

 

[Carri20]

I absolutely agree with the introvert/extrovert thing. I've had some trouble with that over the years, being the extreme introvert that I am. What you have to do is stop talking and start taking action. She already knows how you feel and if she won't give you your space you'll just have to take it; you can't go on like this, it'll sap you of your energy and make you miserable. Next time she wants to get together and you don't feel like it, just say no. Tell her you want to be alone today and don't let her put the ol' guilt trip on you. The only unfair part of this situation is what she's doing to you, not what you would be doing to her by demanding space.

 

[unjustwar]

I absolutely agree with the introvert/extrovert thing. I've had some trouble with that over the years, being the extreme introvert that I am. What you have to do is stop talking and start taking action. She already knows how you feel and if she won't give you your space you'll just have to take it; you can't go on like this, it'll sap you of your energy and make you miserable. Next time she wants to get together and you don't feel like it, just say no. Tell her you want to be alone today and don't let her put the ol' guilt trip on you. The only unfair part of this situation is what she's doing to you, not what you would be doing to her by demanding space.

hm never thought about it that way... I thought I was being selfish whenever I didn't want to hang out with her

 

[InTheFlame]

She NEEDS her own friends and support group. You being her only human friend is NOT healthy. It will stuff up your relationship something shocking. I realise it's probably tough for her, but she needs to broaden her horizons in this area. Church is the obvious (but not only) place to start.

 

[loved]

I absolutely agree with the introvert/extrovert thing. I've had some trouble with that over the years, being the extreme introvert that I am. What you have to do is stop talking and start taking action. She already knows how you feel and if she won't give you your space you'll just have to take it; you can't go on like this, it'll sap you of your energy and make you miserable. Next time she wants to get together and you don't feel like it, just say no. Tell her you want to be alone today and don't let her put the ol' guilt trip on you. The only unfair part of this situation is what she's doing to you, not what you would be doing to her by demanding space.

Don't agree with this.

I'm quite a sensitive person and if my SO told me that, I'd be VERY hurt.

You just both want different things so you need to COMPROMISE not just say NO.

Plus Carri, you have no idea what their relationship is like, apart from a teeny bit that UNJUSTWAR has written here, so I think it's an unfair judgement to say

"The only unfair part of this situation is what she's doing to you, not what you would be doing to her by demanding space"

Just my 2 cents worth.

 

[Maeyken]

I think the most important thing to do is understand why each of you wants/doesn't want that time together. I think understanding that you're an introvert goes a long way in helping you understand your feelings of needing to be alone at times. I think it's also important for you to understand why your gf wants to spend so much time with you (and to find that out, you guys need to talk about it! I'd suggest trying to find a time when you've got awhile to talk, go someplace nice (a park or something) and talk honestly about the reasons for needed time apart/together.

Remember- the key to any good relationship is communication!

Oh- I think it's also important to let her know that you have no intention of breaking up with her (well, unless you do), so that she knows that your need for alone time has nothing to do with not wanting to be with her. Us girls can sometimes be sensitive that way.

 

[Carri20]

hm never thought about it that way... I thought I was being selfish whenever I didn't want to hang out with her

That's like saying it's selfish to breathe when someone has asked you not to. Some things you just need, and for an introvert solitude is one of them.

Don't agree with this.

I'm quite a sensitive person and if my SO told me that, I'd be VERY hurt.

You just both want different things so you need to COMPROMISE not just say NO.

Plus Carri, you have no idea what their relationship is like, apart from a teeny bit that UNJUSTWAR has written here, so I think it's an unfair judgement to say

"The only unfair part of this situation is what she's doing to you, not what you would be doing to her by demanding space"

Just my 2 cents worth.

I tell it how I see it. If everything Unjustwar posted here is true, I'd say I hit the nail on the head. He's already tried to explain his need to her and she's ignoring him. If he finally shows her some backbone and asserts himself on this matter and she ends up hurt, it's her own fault for not listening. Don't even suggest to me that this girl is interested in compromise if all her boyfriend's reasoning went in one ear and out the other. Sometimes all that fluffy talk just doesn't work.

 

[Carri20]

I'm an introvert with bad relations with my family and no friends who dated a guy who basically wanted the same thing. I wanted to be with him 24/7, he wanted space. So one day he just started *taking* space as one previous poster suggested that you do.. trust me, the relationship failed *immediately*.

And you know what? Thats the way it was meant to be.

Take your space. If it fails, it fails, and it was probably never meant to work out. You have explained how you feel and what *you* need and if she can't respect that and meet you on the same page somehow, then you cannot have a healthy relationship. It can't be all about what she wants and needs, you have wants and needs too. Its why my relationship that was similar failed, because I didnt care about his needs *at all*, and if she can't be on the same page with you then your relationship will certainly fail.

You can't sacrifice *everything* for her, a relationship involves give and take between *both* of you. If she's doing all the taking and you all the giving, it will fail eventually anyway, be it tomorrow or a year from now, it *will* fall apart. One person doing all the taking is literally sucking the life out of the person they are with, it can't be like that and be healthy.

Amen! And thank you for supporting my point. Once upon a time I was clingy too, not really caring what my boyfriend needed, and to this day I don't know how he put up with it for 5 years (but I think it just about killed him). What you said was absolutely right, if it fails it fails. You can only give so much without being given something back.