Relationship Question

[wholeheartedlyseekingGV]

If you believe God told you that this someone is to be your husband/wife, would bad credit - past addictions - criminal history stop you from marrying him/her?

 

[saved24]

I would be wondering if God really told me that if he has problems that would be hard to deal with in a marriage. Criminal history? well if he was a Christian and no longer was involved in crime, and addictions that no longer were a problem? I would not hold this against him and it would not factor into whether or not I should marry him. God bless. (PS welcome to CF )

 

[~Anastasia~]

I would be wondering if God really told me that if he has problems that would be hard to deal with in a marriage. Criminal history? well if he was a Christian and no longer was involved in crime, and addictions that no longer were a problem? I would not hold this against him and it would not factor into whether or not I should marry him. God bless. (PS welcome to CF )

Agree w/Saved on every point.

I would be questioning VERY carefully though and want to be SURE.

Are the addictions in the past? Is he a Christian? How is his faith? What caused you to believe God wants you to marry him? Has whatever he was in jail for been dealt with or is it likely to recur?

I'm not asking you to answer any of these you don't want in the forum - but I'd be asking myself if it were me.

 

[Spunkn]

How do you know that God told you to marry this particular person?

Did He speak to you?

Was it in your mind? How are you going to verify that?

Marriage choices should be based on wisdom, and the leading of the Spirit, but I think too often people make the excuse of "well God told me to" and then when it doesn't work out, they blame God.

All those things may not stop me from marrying someone, however it WOULD put up huge red flags, and that person would have to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that the past was behind them and they had truly changed.

Do you really want to risk the rest of your life on a "I think God told me to do this" although I can't really know if it was God.

God gave us reason and logic for a reason. If it has warning written all over it, then you should probably stay away unless given enough reasons otherwise.

 

[thatforumguy77]

If you believe God told you that this someone is to be your husband/wife, would bad credit - past addictions - criminal history stop you from marrying him/her?

It would benefit both you and everyone who would advice you if there is a clarification of circumstances here. For one, and this is primary, how did God speak with you and how certain are you it was Him? I say this is primary, even against the moral question of marrying and forgiving, is because from that single answer can we judge right from wrong, for anyone that walks outside of God's Will...

I, personally, use Charles Spurgeon's and Zac Poonen's guide in finding God's Will. It is pretty much scriptural and haven't led me astray as of yet. Spurgeon's is short, a pamphlet, and can be found easily enough in most areas, while Zac Poonen's work can be found posted in the internet. In shorthand however - when making decisions, first you must Trust God wholeheartedly, and you must Obey Him. Then, when you believe that He has spoken to you, test it to see if it comes from God:

- What does scripture say about your situation? (The Bible has already revealed God's Will. Just find what it says. If your situation goes against the principles of the bible, then it is not within His Will.)

- Do you feel anxious or at peace with your decision? (The Holy Spirit gives us peace and contentment when we are within His will. Remember that even painful experiences can grant peace to a person's spirit. Peace does not equate to comfort. While the enemy will give anxiousness and panic. Sometimes, however, this can be affected by our immediate emotions. Be neutral first and prepare your heart to do either decisions - this can ensure you are in neutral ground and are able to objectively weigh and pray for your decisions.)

- Do the circumstances go with or against you? (This is tricky, sometimes open doors are a sign that it is from God, while sometimes, closed doors is a test to see if you would go beyond them. Practice discernment, always compare this to the scriptural basis.)

- Does it lead you closer or farther from God? (Personal and communal edification is a good sign to find in a godly decision. Bearing good fruit is often a sign it comes from the Spirit, while bearing the sins of the flesh is an indication of the opposite.)

- What do the elders in the Church say? (Iron strengthens iron. The advice of wise men must be treasured. But take note also, that these men are equally fallible in finding God's voice.)
​

Yes, there is no "formula" in finding God's Will. We can only know it in a personal basis, and by practicing godly (not human) wisdom and discernment. Consult the Bible always in making your decision, but also, consult your heart. God will not give you a trial that is beyond your capability to endure: So, ask yourself this - are you, personally, able to do it? Have you thought this through? Have you looked into scenarios of raising children with someone with a criminal past? have you looked into the joy of salvation in your heart - and does it edify it or lead it astray?

Be well, be wise - remember be sharp as serpents and innocent as doves - and those who treasure wisdom will be sure to avoid disaster. But at the same time, not all of God's will may look like wisdom on the onset - for God sees far beyond what we can. Again, pray for it. Seek his voice. Law and Wisdom are good guides to finding God's will, but his Law is written in our hearts too, so consult that as well. God bless!

 

[parsley]

It should. See input above.
I can only think of one instance in the Bible where someone felt God asked them to partner unwisely.

Using scriptures is the foundation that protects you. Some theologians believe that new prophets cannot conflict with past prophets, and believers tend to operate that way too. Your new hunch would not override existing scriptural advice.

bad credit - past addictions - criminal history

These become part of your life. Not just observing, but swimming in it. Creditors will expect you to cover old debts; addiction treatment will be covered with joint money-- or yours. Prison records will be associated with your name, even though it's indirect. Your house could even show up on a map of convicted criminals in neighborhoods.

A marriage contract is a partnership that becomes very much like a business, whether you like it or not. You could lose the ability to get auto or medical insurance.

People pride themselves in letting love conquer all; but pride doesn't keep a roof over your head. This is your life, and it your image of your life will completely reshape if you include him as a legal partner.

Enjoy the friendship! And set your boundaries.

 

[trentlogain2]

the bible tells us to test the spirits whether they are from God or not. careful treading.

 

[Max Shade]

If you believe God told you that this someone is to be your husband/wife, would bad credit - past addictions - criminal history stop you from marrying him/her?

It depends. Like my wife and I, we fell in love many, many years ago and were parted against our wills. She went on to marry (at 17) a guy (in his 30's) her cult allowed and he ended up being an abusive, cheating, alcoholic and ruined her credit. During that time I had two children out of wedlock and made other poor life decisions too. When we finally found each other again, we rekindled our love, she became a Christian and we got married. We were always meant to be together & since then our life and faith has been growing into more wonderful than we ever imagined.

Should I hold the damage to her credit against her? Should she hold my poor decisions against me? I don't think so.

On the other hand. If someone was asking this question about her ex . . . the answer would be much different. He was an official in their cult and he had relations with her while she was underage. That makes him a sexual predator. He continues to indulge his addictions to pain killers, alcohol and tobacco. He has only ever paid two partial months of child support for their three children together, but he can support a live in alcoholic girlfriend who has tried to hurt one of my stepsons.

I am using my life as an example, but the point is, the answer to your question depends entirely on if the person in question is turning their life around, actively trying to make things right and drawing closer to God or are they continuing in their patterns of bad?

 

[Kayeliz]

Generally, I would not say that God would never want us to marry someone with an addiction or even someone who used to be a criminal. I have anxiety disorder and used to have Anorexia Nervosa which still affects me badly in the way I see myself. According to what I have heard from some Christians, God would not want a man for me. People with problems need love just as much as those without them. In the end, there is no answer that fits everyone, but I would definitely not say that God would never want us to marry someone with mental health problems, an addiction or someone who used to do things that were against the law.

 

[Inkachu]

If you believe God told you that this someone is to be your husband/wife, would bad credit - past addictions - criminal history stop you from marrying him/her?

I don't believe God would tell me to bind myself for an entire lifetime to someone who wasn't right for me. While a person can repent of and overcome their past through hard work, faith, and trust in God, consequences of the past are always with us, and to ignore that is to live in foolishness.

When God orchestrates your match, there are no doubts. If you doubt, DON'T.

 

[Scott1979]

I agree with Inkachu on this one. The consequences of our past will always follow us. I however do not feel like anybody has the right to judge anyone for there past mistakes. A good relationship is built on a foundation of trust. Once you get to know someone what happened in there past is exactly that, in the past. If the person can't get past the past of somebody they might want to be with, then they need to end the relationship. It's not fair to the person who might be trying to rebuild there life if your constantly thinking "this person used to use drugs" or whatever the case may be.

 

[Kayeliz]

I think it's wrong to generally say one shouldn't be in a relationship with people have had problems in the past. It depends on the problems, but these people deserve to be loved as well. I'm glad my partner still was inserested in me despite my arms being covered in scars from former self-injury.

 

[Inkachu]

It isn't always about "getting past the past" of the other person. There's a measure of discernment and common sense that needs to be in place. It's not about judging or condemning at all. But, for example, a person who may have been on drugs for a decade, even if they're completely clean and they've repented and they're in recovery.. those ten years of drug use will have lasting effects, psychologically and physiologically. The person may be emotionally stunted, have trouble managing their moods, struggle with impulse control, etc. They might be a great, fun, wonderful person, but you need to be aware of all these aspects of a person, and be discerning about how you would "mesh" as a couple, and more importantly, how their past might affect their parenting abilities should you have children.

Another great example is someone who has HIV. No amount of repenting or changing is going to erase that lifelong and terminal consequence of their past actions. You would have to deal with the chance of contracting the disease yourself if you married them and have sex with them, as well as possibly passing the disease onto any children you had. Does that mean that NOBODY would be willing to marry someone with HIV? Of course not. It's just an example.

You don't have to judge or condemn someone to still discern that they aren't a good match for you based on their past.

 

[Kayeliz]

So the people who have had problems in the past don't deserve to be loved. Good to know. Glad I know a lot of couples who think differently. But it's awful to read that. Of course, everyone needs to make their own decision and not everyone can handle certain things, but this is too much.

 

[Inkachu]

So the people who have had problems in the past don't deserve to be loved. Good to know. Glad I know a lot of couples who think differently. But it's awful to read that. Of course, everyone needs to make their own decision and not everyone can handle certain things, but this is too much.

Sarcasm isn't necessary.

And that's NOT what I said at all. Not even close. Not even in the same galaxy.

From your posts, it's clear you feel that anyone who doesn't agree with you is hateful and mean and "can't handle" relationships with people who have "pasts" (whatever that even means). But I hope you'll stop and take a breath and realize that you can't paint the entire world with one brush of color. Because it's just not true.

 

[Spunkn]

I don't think anyone is saying you can't marry someone with a past.

What we are saying, is you need to be MORE careful when considering / dealing with someone with a past.

 

[Kayeliz]

Ok, sorry my reaction was a bit extreme. But I have encountered a lot of sick Christian perfectionism in the past when it came to relationships and it discriminates against so many people. I myself was scared no man would ever want me. The one who did had an addiction and overcame it and together, we built up a new life and left a lot of problems behind.
I'm sorry if I have misunderstood what you said and I don't have a problem with people disagreeing with me, but I have heard a lot of hurtful things in the past that basically said if someone has had certain problems as a Christian, they are not proper Christians and therefore one should not be in a relationship with them.
Again sorry for having misunderstood you.

 

[Scott1979]

I for sure believe you can marry someone with a past. At the same time though I feel like when that past is presented if the person can't look past it then the relationship doesn't need to go on. It trust isn't there, it will not work.

 

[parsley]

I understand what you mean about critical perfectionism -- but don't think people are generally talking about the goodness of the person. It is how their actions will impact your life.

I can tell you loads of stories of people I know -- some still married and seeing their commitments as responsibility to the people they partnered with. Generosity and kindness is important, and walking with them through thick and thin -- but strive for balance in what each contributes to the relationship.

I know someone who had mild disorders and entered adulthood with uncertainty. People rejoiced when they "found a loving spouse," but the marriages were beyond bad. Spouses asked them to forge checks, defraud, pay all their prior families' bills, destroy their credit history and legal reputation ... and the person agreed to it because they appreciated being loved.

Is it necessarily better to mutually adore, than to be safe?

I met a woman online who had married someone she met online-- she found out after the wedding that she was literally locked in a house in a new city, and married into a mafia.

We're just saying -- do your research. Plan your life. Value your own future.


One in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime.
An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year.

http://www.ncadv.org/files/DomesticViolenceFactSheet(National).pdf

 

[Emil Rez52]

If you believe God told you that this someone is to be your husband/wife, would bad credit - past addictions - criminal history stop you from marrying him/her?

Good question. I don't have the answer though.