Relationship advice?

[Ellie218]

Hello everyone,

So I'm aware there's a number of different threads on this site asking for advice with relationship so I thought I'd join in and request some advice and guidance myself!

A few months ago, my friend asked me out on a date and I straight away turned him down, and said I wasn't interested. But since then, he's not given up on me. He's pursued me and effectively chased after me until eventually, about a month ago, I stopped in my tracks and wondered if there could be anything here after all. So we spent some time together, hanging out, getting to know each other, and then I decided that I wasn't interested. I feel bad because I feel that I led him on a little bit... But even that hasn't swayed him and he's still relentlessly pursuing a relationship with me - even though I've hurt him and turned him down! (It's basically a repeat of the story of Hosea and Gomer!)

He's an incredible guy. He loves Jesus with his whole heart and only wants to see the Kingdom grow here on earth. He's deeply generous and loving and caring. He's passionate about others hearing the Gospel message. He's loyal. He has a wonderful sense of humour. He's so thoughtful and honest. His family love me and are keen for the two of us to get together. He's essentially the man of my dreams...

I'm just not sure why I'm holding back? I've spoken to a number of different people about it and received mostly mixed thoughts - some are encouraging me to date him, others are encouraging me not to. I feel like God has given me this fantastic and incredible guy, and yet I've treated him so badly and I'm not sure how I feel about him? So, my question is, do I explore the possibility of 'dating' him, and seeing where it goes even though I'm still not sure at the moment, or do I shut the door on him completely?

 

[Jamminontha1]

Hello everyone,

So I'm aware there's a number of different threads on this site asking for advice with relationship so I thought I'd join in and request some advice and guidance myself!

A few months ago, my friend asked me out on a date and I straight away turned him down, and said I wasn't interested. But since then, he's not given up on me. He's pursued me and effectively chased after me until eventually, about a month ago, I stopped in my tracks and wondered if there could be anything here after all. So we spent some time together, hanging out, getting to know each other, and then I decided that I wasn't interested. I feel bad because I feel that I led him on a little bit... But even that hasn't swayed him and he's still relentlessly pursuing a relationship with me - even though I've hurt him and turned him down! (It's basically a repeat of the story of Hosea and Gomer!)

He's an incredible guy. He loves Jesus with his whole heart and only wants to see the Kingdom grow here on earth. He's deeply generous and loving and caring. He's passionate about others hearing the Gospel message. He's loyal. He has a wonderful sense of humour. He's so thoughtful and honest. His family love me and are keen for the two of us to get together. He's essentially the man of my dreams...

I'm just not sure why I'm holding back? I've spoken to a number of different people about it and received mostly mixed thoughts - some are encouraging me to date him, others are encouraging me not to. I feel like God has given me this fantastic and incredible guy, and yet I've treated him so badly and I'm not sure how I feel about him? So, my question is, do I explore the possibility of 'dating' him, and seeing where it goes even though I'm still not sure at the moment, or do I shut the door on him completely?

It's better to follow your feelings now instead of digging a deeper hole. All it will do is hurt him and his family more. Qualified is one thing, but if he hasn't made his way into your heart, you shouldn't try to force those feelings or hope that in time, they will form. If you've hung out with each other a bit, I think that's been enough time.

Be very direct with him and let him know that you don't have feelings for him, but would like to remain strictly friends. Now that you know him more, maybe if you meet someone who's his type, then you can introduce each other.

If he still doesn't listen...I don't know. I burn bridges when people keep pursuing me uninvited.

 

[Victory-N-Christ]

It's better to follow your feelings now instead of digging a deeper hole. All it will do is hurt him and his family more. Qualified is one thing, but if he hasn't made his way into your heart, you shouldn't try to force those feelings or hope that in time, they will form. If you've hung out with each other a bit, I think that's been enough time.

Be very direct with him and let him know that you don't have feelings for him, but would like to remain strictly friends. Now that you know him more, maybe if you meet someone who's his type, then you can introduce each other.

If he still doesn't listen...I don't know. I burn bridges when people keep pursuing me uninvited.

Thats good advice IMHO.

 

[faroukfarouk]

Hello everyone,

So I'm aware there's a number of different threads on this site asking for advice with relationship so I thought I'd join in and request some advice and guidance myself!

A few months ago, my friend asked me out on a date and I straight away turned him down, and said I wasn't interested. But since then, he's not given up on me. He's pursued me and effectively chased after me until eventually, about a month ago, I stopped in my tracks and wondered if there could be anything here after all. So we spent some time together, hanging out, getting to know each other, and then I decided that I wasn't interested. I feel bad because I feel that I led him on a little bit... But even that hasn't swayed him and he's still relentlessly pursuing a relationship with me - even though I've hurt him and turned him down! (It's basically a repeat of the story of Hosea and Gomer!)

He's an incredible guy. He loves Jesus with his whole heart and only wants to see the Kingdom grow here on earth. He's deeply generous and loving and caring. He's passionate about others hearing the Gospel message. He's loyal. He has a wonderful sense of humour. He's so thoughtful and honest. His family love me and are keen for the two of us to get together. He's essentially the man of my dreams...

I'm just not sure why I'm holding back? I've spoken to a number of different people about it and received mostly mixed thoughts - some are encouraging me to date him, others are encouraging me not to. I feel like God has given me this fantastic and incredible guy, and yet I've treated him so badly and I'm not sure how I feel about him? So, my question is, do I explore the possibility of 'dating' him, and seeing where it goes even though I'm still not sure at the moment, or do I shut the door on him completely?

Hi; good to see you; God bless His Word to you.

You know the saying: "Marry in haste; repent at leisure!"

If you're not sure, far better to wait.

In any case, if the Lord has someone for you eventually, reading God's Word together and praying together will surely be things that will define a Godly relationship that leads to marriage in the Lord; but you must know whether you can countenance this happening with a particular individual.

 

[Victory-N-Christ]

Hi; good to see you; God bless His Word to you.

You know the saying: "Marry in haste; repent at leisure!"

If you're not sure, far better to wait.

In any case, if the Lord has someone for you eventually, reading God's Word together and praying together will surely be things that will define a Godly relationship that leads to marriage in the Lord; but you must know whether you can countenance this happening with a particular individual.

Amen.

 

[faroukfarouk]

Amen.

Well, exactly!

 

[Monna]

Be very direct with him and let him know that you don't have feelings for him, but would like to remain strictly friends.

The "how" you do this will determine whether or not you really do remain friends.

So have it very clear in your mind what being friends means in practice. Does it mean saying hello at church and nothing more? Then it's not being friends - you probably do that to strangers. Does it mean doing things in a group in which both of you participate? Does it mean having coffee after church now and then? Then make sure it happens, not immediately, but don't wait for the far future. Whatever - know what you mean by this, and have a discussion with him about it. Otherwise the fellow will interpret it as "Actually I'd rather not have anything more to do with you." And if that is what you mean, find a decent way to let him know.

 

[mina]

You don't have to date or marry anyone that you don't have feelings for. It doesn't matter that you are both Christians . You get a say and it doesn't make you a bad Christian or make you rejecting God's plan or anything like that . You gave him a chance and you still aren't attracted to him. Ask him to respect that and back off. If he continues , it's a little creepy and manipulative. Real love respects the other person.

 

[Victory-N-Christ]

You don't have to date or marry anyone that you don't have feelings for. It doesn't matter that you are both Christians . You get a say and it doesn't make you a bad Christian or make you rejecting God's plan or anything like that . You gave him a chance and you still aren't attracted to him. Ask him to respect that and back off.

Hallelujah! Good advice.

 

[Kit Sigmon]

Hello everyone,

So I'm aware there's a number of different threads on this site asking for advice with relationship so I thought I'd join in and request some advice and guidance myself!

A few months ago, my friend asked me out on a date and I straight away turned him down, and said I wasn't interested. But since then, he's not given up on me. He's pursued me and effectively chased after me until eventually, about a month ago, I stopped in my tracks and wondered if there could be anything here after all. So we spent some time together, hanging out, getting to know each other, and then I decided that I wasn't interested. I feel bad because I feel that I led him on a little bit... But even that hasn't swayed him and he's still relentlessly pursuing a relationship with me - even though I've hurt him and turned him down! (It's basically a repeat of the story of Hosea and Gomer!)
There's nothing wrong with getting to know him and seeing if there could be "something more"...there wasn't and you let him know that...that's essentially what you're dating is to be about...finding out if you both be right for one another.

He's an incredible guy. He loves Jesus with his whole heart and only wants to see the Kingdom grow here on earth. He's deeply generous and loving and caring. He's passionate about others hearing the Gospel message. He's loyal. He has a wonderful sense of humour. He's so thoughtful and honest. His family love me and are keen for the two of us to get together. He's essentially the man of my dreams...

I'm just not sure why I'm holding back? I've spoken to a number of different people about it and received mostly mixed thoughts - some are encouraging me to date him, others are encouraging me not to. I feel like God has given me this fantastic and incredible guy, and yet I've treated him so badly and I'm not sure how I feel about him? So, my question is, do I explore the possibility of 'dating' him, and seeing where it goes even though I'm still not sure at the moment, or do I shut the door on him completely?

You've already explored that and you didn't want to be in a relationship with him...don't sympathy date, it's not kind or a loving thing to do.
Set boundaries, treat a friend as a friend and let him know that is how
things are.

Sometimes you just ain't ready to be dating and that's OK.
Being that he is your brother in-Christ, treat him as such...perhaps he's in your
life to inspire you to grow more deeply in your relationship with the Lord?

 

[FutureAndAHope]

Hello everyone,

So I'm aware there's a number of different threads on this site asking for advice with relationship so I thought I'd join in and request some advice and guidance myself!

A few months ago, my friend asked me out on a date and I straight away turned him down, and said I wasn't interested. But since then, he's not given up on me. He's pursued me and effectively chased after me until eventually, about a month ago, I stopped in my tracks and wondered if there could be anything here after all. So we spent some time together, hanging out, getting to know each other, and then I decided that I wasn't interested. I feel bad because I feel that I led him on a little bit... But even that hasn't swayed him and he's still relentlessly pursuing a relationship with me - even though I've hurt him and turned him down! (It's basically a repeat of the story of Hosea and Gomer!)

He's an incredible guy. He loves Jesus with his whole heart and only wants to see the Kingdom grow here on earth. He's deeply generous and loving and caring. He's passionate about others hearing the Gospel message. He's loyal. He has a wonderful sense of humour. He's so thoughtful and honest. His family love me and are keen for the two of us to get together. He's essentially the man of my dreams...

I'm just not sure why I'm holding back? I've spoken to a number of different people about it and received mostly mixed thoughts - some are encouraging me to date him, others are encouraging me not to. I feel like God has given me this fantastic and incredible guy, and yet I've treated him so badly and I'm not sure how I feel about him? So, my question is, do I explore the possibility of 'dating' him, and seeing where it goes even though I'm still not sure at the moment, or do I shut the door on him completely?

Maybe write down your thoughts on a piece of paper and give it to him. So he knows what you are thinking. It may give you the breathing space you are after, and time to think.

 

[LilShepherdBoy]

So we spent some time together, hanging out, getting to know each other, and then I decided that I wasn't interested.

All that time you spent with him, did he ever tried to kiss you?

 

[Ellie218]

While I appreciate this advice, I can't help but wonder if feelings even come into it? Is love not a daily decision, a choice? It's a choice that we CHOOSE to make - to love another on a daily basis, regardless of how we feel? For example, I know my mum doesn't like my dad some days. And I know that he can't stand her sometimes. But it's a choice to continually love that person regardless...

Unless I'm wrong?

You don't have to date or marry anyone that you don't have feelings for. It doesn't matter that you are both Christians . You get a say and it doesn't make you a bad Christian or make you rejecting God's plan or anything like that . You gave him a chance and you still aren't attracted to him. Ask him to respect that and back off. If he continues , it's a little creepy and manipulative. Real love respects the other person.

de

 

[mina]

While that is true, love is a daily choice ( in committed relationships) , trying to force feelings that are not there when you are in no way attracted to someone before you have taken vows and made a commitment to just not make waves and make them happy is wrong and unhealthy. It is false and essentially a lie. If you want to enter into such a relationship , you are free to do so, but I think God created human love and marriage to be more than just a false front hoping the feelings may come. You are not in a committed relationship with this man and are under no obligation ( biblical or otherwise) to try and love him romantically when you do not. In the initial stages of a relationship , you need to want to be with someone . It's not everything but part of the building blocks. What if the situation were reversed , would you want a man to date you even though he wasn't at all attracted to you and was just bending to your pressure or family pressure ? And that would make you selfish and manipulative, trying to guilt someone into being with you when they have no attraction towards you. The bible does say do not awaken love until it so desires. I happen to think that any relationship worth pursuing will be one that is mutually wanted and not forced in any way. If a man can not respect your wishes, then being in a relationship with him will not change that- he still probably won't respect your wishes in anything.

 

[Monna]

While I appreciate this advice, I can't help but wonder if feelings even come into it? Is love not a daily decision, a choice? It's a choice that we CHOOSE to make - to love another on a daily basis, regardless of how we feel?

In most cultures at some time in their history, marriage was a mixture of economics and family level relationships that were an important part of social insurance. At aristocratic levels there were also political dimensions in which marriages were part of international diplomacy and national security. In some cultures where I have lived, girls only gained womanhood through bearing children, and their economic survival depended on men. The feelings that we think are so important (falling in love) have been secondary to the need to be married at part of a wider social insurance system. I know one couple, now living in Canada, who met each other 15 minutes before they were married. Their marriage was arranged (with a lot of both love and wisdom) by their parents. I have seldom seen a marriage so happy so long. Both are well educated and have good jobs - so it wasn't a matter of poor people having no option. They decided to love one another and to work hard at their relationship.

When I was young I was told "love is a matter of the will, in which the good of the loved one takes priority over your wishes." I now think that that was a bit too "unfeeling" but I have also come to realise through my own marriage that true love does definitely involve a commitment, which implies self discipline and a sense of duty or obligation. After all, I did make a promise, and if I am to be an honourable person, I will seek to keep that promise. Applied with joy, sincerity, and thoughtfulness, the commitment can cause "falling in love" to come to life or be sustained.