Relationship Advice..I don't know what to do

[ToBeLoved]

But hasn't she already given David lots of chances ? It is very common for wives to compalin that their husband doesn't really talk with them when when they want him to, or as much as they want him to. If David somehow manages to change his personality 'on a sixpence', so to speak, frankly, I wouldn't bet on him continuing to do so, if they were to marry.

That doesn't speak to his lesser Christian devotion, but otherwise, it's possible that she has unrealistic expectations of him, and is looking for a spouse who will think and talk on the same basis as a female friend would. It's possible that she would find a more devout potential spouse, however.

What does Jesus say?

Peter asked Jesus how many times should he forgive his brother. Peter thought maybe seven times might be a fair limit. But Jesus said "seventy times seven" (Matthew 18:21-22). Of course Jesus didn't mean literally 490 times, but rather that the number of times are not to be counted.

Matthew 6:14-15
14 For if you forgive men their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive yours.

Pretty powerful words. If she follows the Bible, she will have to at least forgive him if not give him another chance.

Anyone can change with God's help. Maybe she will let him prove it to her. If he loves her, I would at least try. Very humbly, of course.

 

[mina]

Maybe she does forgive him. That doesn't mean she has to continue to date him or marry him. It's possible to forgive and still go your separate ways. If they were married; it would be a completely different story. BUT, they are not; she is under no obligation to continue to be in a relationship, go to dinner with him, listen to him again, or pray with him in order to forgive him.

 

[ToBeLoved]

Maybe she does forgive him. That doesn't mean she has to continue to date him or marry him. It's possible to forgive and still go your separate ways. If they were married; it would be a completely different story. BUT, they are not; she is under no obligation to continue to be in a relationship, go to dinner with him, listen to him again, or pray with him in order to forgive him.

Yup. That's true.

 

[paul becke]

What does Jesus say?

Peter asked Jesus how many times should he forgive his brother. Peter thought maybe seven times might be a fair limit. But Jesus said "seventy times seven" (Matthew 18:21-22). Of course Jesus didn't mean literally 490 times, but rather that the number of times are not to be counted.

Matthew 6:14-15
14 For if you forgive men their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive yours.

Pretty powerful words. If she follows the Bible, she will have to at least forgive him if not give him another chance.

Anyone can change with God's help. Maybe she will let him prove it to her. If he loves her, I would at least try. Very humbly, of course.

I don't think it is a matter of forgiveness. There seems no reason to believe that David's girl-friend harbioured any animosity towards him. Rather trying to make a realistic appraisal of how to make the the most important relationswhip she will have for the rest of her life, a successful one, one that will give both spouses contentment. Just considering David's wishes in the matter doesn't seem sensible.

Why, after so long, and so many attempts by David to be 'The One' for her, should she risk her future happiness from a sense of duty. She thinks now is the time to make a fresh start, and personally, I think she is in the best position to know, and is being realistic. I'm not blaming David. Nor his girl-friend. I'm sure there will be other girls who would not expect David to change fairly radically, to meet their perhaps feminine 'pickiness'. But if her temperament and world-view are such as they are, well, it is surely no crime, or even a failing, as such. We all try to make the best choices, according with our own personality and taking in all manner of factors. Some we'll win and some we'll lose.

I see mina said it much more economically than me. And your response too. Both models I should study !

 

[Jessie B]

Hi David,
First off, I want to say I'm so sorry that this has happened. Faith is such an important foundation, and I can tell it really matters to you, so I can understand how hard it must be to think that everything was going well and then be blindsided by the breakup.
I think that first of all, you need to be praying to God. Processing this by yourself will not come to a good result, so I would suggest you take time to really pray about your relationship with Him before you try to mend your relationship with her. I know that you said that you have faith and you are spiritual, but I would suggest praying to Him about whether or not this is His will for you and for her. If you feel strongly like you belong together, I would reach out to her. I know that she is exhausted, so give her a little bit of time. I am sure she misses you just as you miss her. From there, I would seek some serious counseling, either from a church elder, counselor, or pastor. Communication seems key here, and a couples therapy may open the floor up to you to say how you feel. I know you don't feel comfortable sharing your thoughts, but you have to understand that if you love this girl and you want her to be your life partner, you have to get out of your comfort zone and try to compromise. I think it's also important to talk to her about small steps. You said you were trying to "be better", and she was not recognizing that. I would mention that she needs to break away from her expectations of how the relationship should improve. No two people show their faith in exactly the same way, so it seems that she needs to get to know this part of you better so that she can have realistic goals. If she's expecting you to show your faith the same way she shows hers, problems will continue.
Additionally, I will be praying for you. I'll be praying that God has a breakthrough for you and that His will be done. I pray for comfort in this time of grief. God will bring you through this and better you.
Kind Regards,
Jessie

 

[heathorheather]

Hi David,
First off, I want to say I'm so sorry that this has happened. Faith is such an important foundation, and I can tell it really matters to you, so I can understand how hard it must be to think that everything was going well and then be blindsided by the breakup.
I think that first of all, you need to be praying to God. Processing this by yourself will not come to a good result, so I would suggest you take time to really pray about your relationship with Him before you try to mend your relationship with her. I know that you said that you have faith and you are spiritual, but I would suggest praying to Him about whether or not this is His will for you and for her. If you feel strongly like you belong together, I would reach out to her. I know that she is exhausted, so give her a little bit of time. I am sure she misses you just as you miss her. From there, I would seek some serious counseling, either from a church elder, counselor, or pastor. Communication seems key here, and a couples therapy may open the floor up to you to say how you feel. I know you don't feel comfortable sharing your thoughts, but you have to understand that if you love this girl and you want her to be your life partner, you have to get out of your comfort zone and try to compromise. I think it's also important to talk to her about small steps. You said you were trying to "be better", and she was not recognizing that. I would mention that she needs to break away from her expectations of how the relationship should improve. No two people show their faith in exactly the same way, so it seems that she needs to get to know this part of you better so that she can have realistic goals. If she's expecting you to show your faith the same way she shows hers, problems will continue.
Additionally, I will be praying for you. I'll be praying that God has a breakthrough for you and that His will be done. I pray for comfort in this time of grief. God will bring you through this and better you.
Kind Regards,
Jessie

First, thank you so much for your prayer and taking the time to read my story. Yes, I've been praying and talking to God about myself. My relationship has been fading in regards to what it was before and I think this is Him telling me to wake up. I've been so focused on the "business" part of life and the worldly temptations that I didn't even see this until it was too late. Had I put Him first all of those things would become secondary and the temptations would be easier to resist and fight. I am embarrassed and ashamed that I let myself come to this. This is not who I wanted to be, who I wanted to become or how I wanted to build my relationship with someone. I just lost track with the "fun" part that's associated with a relationship. I was just too caught up with everything that was happening around me. I've dated before and never have I ever felt this was for someone so there were a lot of new things going inside me. I don't even have words to describe how I was so blinded. Having a good heart, caring, putting her first and all of those things positive aspects in a partner means nothing if my spiritual connection with God isn't growing or strong. I just don't know why I missed that and in a blink of an eye, I just see everything so clearly and I'm basically speechless. I've been praying since then and just asking for his forgiveness, asking for Him to once again be the center of my life cause as a child of God I am embarrassed for my sins and how far I was away from God during those times. This relationship began through Him and I just wish it could continue through Him. I agree that counseling is important and needed for someone like me to help express and share. Yes, I need to get out of my comfort zone in just telling myself and others that "I don't really share, I just keep mostly everything to myself." This isn't healthy and one body in Christ, community is very important to be accountable for each other. Disappointed as well that I couldn't even be accountable for myself when I should've be accountable for her as well and her growth.

Those small changes in me, I can understand where she's coming from because though I did "change" those changes were very subtle and it's nothing to "normal" people , like talking and sharing. I can understand her frustration in that more times then not, I would just expect her to know but again no body is a mind reader.

I just feel that what could of been an amazing relationship now and into the future is just unfinished because of my blindness. God gives and takes away, just like it's evident by my example. Doesn't matter if it seems perfect, if all things a possible because of Him. All I can do is ask for forgiveness and a second chance where I can be accountable and where His desires be mine and that His desires be ours.

 

[ljglazner]

You are very brave to be so open about your feelings and the situation. I was trying to, from your context, determine if you had a physical/sexual relationship with her, or if it was pure; that makes so much difference, and we can no longer assume that Christians even believe in that type of purity anymore.
God made it painful to end a romance because a romance is intended to be a life long relationship. It sounds like you weren't sure if you wanted that with her when you began the romance.
I am not sure what you should or shouldn't do at this point except that it never hurts to BECOME the kind of person that your lost love would wish they had back, whether they end up taking you back or not. Work on that and God will perhaps give you another chance - either with her or with someone else that might even be a better match.