Hi I'm David,
Earlier this week my girlfriend of 2+ years asked to talk to me and called it quits. I don't know how to feel right now cause our relationship was/is great. Our compatibility up there on top of the chart, we have fun, love each other and individually our relationship with God is on the right track. We rarely fight or argue but during the two year span, we've had or rather she would ask to talk once every few months about our relationship. I'm the type of person who does a lot of things alone (qt/praying/many other things) and don't speak much, the quiet type. So during those talks she was not happy and upset that as two people who are in a serious relationship and both who are thinking about the future towards marriage we don't talk about our faith and lack communication in that area. She's been wanting to do marriage counseling from our church leaders and pastor, not in the tradition sense but so that we can communicate and share more openly about our faith. At first I didn't want to but evenly our young adults pastor felt compelled cause he saw us and knew that we felt serious and strongly about this relationship so he asked to marriage counseling before we even said anything to anyone. The most important thing that she values from her partner is where his faith is, how spiritual he is and how well he is in tune with God. I knew this from the start and I was confident enough to start this relationship with her so that both of us can grow stronger and more intimate with God. When she mentioned these things I would just always say "hey I'll do better, I'll communicate better and share more that's on my mine" to assure her that it will change. This same "let's talk" would arise once every couple/few months not because I wasn't sharing at all or just not owning up to my word but because it seemed like the bare minimum to her and because I'm not giving it a 100%. Don't get me wrong, I was doing more. Each time we talk there were little improvements but looking back now I can't say that I did give a 100% when I should have. I thought what I was doing and how I was approaching the situation was enough. Two years she waited and was patient with me, I understand how frustrating that can be. But I'm someone who never shares unless I'm force to, even in group settings, whether it's in small groups at church, I'm just not very good at sharing and don't prefer sharing my thoughts. So I was a little upset that she didn't take the small changes in my with that in mind. Then another one of these "let's talk" came about and she said let's talk in a week (since i was away from her half the time and she wanted give me some time to think and pray as well). Initially, you know waiting a week to tackle the problem seemed ridiculous and unfair to me because I was curious what she wanted to talk about this time cause things were going well (in my mind). During the "wait week", when texting each other she just didn't seem like herself (mind that we spoke and kept in touch 24/7 and just text whenever even if we had absolutely nothing to talk about), she just seemed like a shell of herself. So half the "wait week" we did talk but I knew something was wrong cause she's never been like this to the point where she couldn't even talk to normally, it just seemed like she was forcing herself to talk to me. So me going crazy wanted to know what was going on through text/phone but she insisted that we just talk in person when I'm back and when we're both free to talk in person. Which leads back to earlier this week when she wanted to part ways. I had time to pray and think about our relationship and through praying I was convinced that our source was the foundation on which we built/start this relationship. We both wanted to build a relationship centered around God yet we lost track of that and became caught up in the worldly/culture aspect in the relationship. So during during the other times when I said "hey things will get better cause I'll try harder to express myself and show my faith more," I wasn't lying but just taking the wrong approach and just tried to build on the wrong foundation. So on the day of the talk she just said that she's just tired and is drained of this relationship because the one thing (level of faith and the spiritual aspect) she needs she doesn't really see and change and tells me that she can't really see herself with me as a potential spouse. Of course I was devastated cause I was a point where I could really see myself with this person and to ask her to be my life partner was right here/there (I was looking at rings/houses and ready to speak to her parents' permission for marriage). I explained to her that during the "wait week" where I prayed and really thought about our relationship I believed that our foundation was the problem and she explains that yes that's true and that she's been saying let's do something about it this entire time for the past 2 years yet nothing's really been done about it. I told her that okay I get it clearly now so let's try to work this out and build a renewed foundation centered around what we wanted from the beginning cause even broken things can be a blessing if mended by God but she just said no and that she's be draining and that she is completely drained now to give me another chance. I understood her and didn't understand her because I wanted her give me another chance where the things she wanted didn't have to be squeezed/forced out of me and that they comes out naturally if our foundation is rebuilt but she said it's too late and it's been 2 years at that she can't do this anymore or have the desire to do this with me. She also mentioned that her color of faith is different from mine. She explained that her desire in this relationship was dissolving quickly and the only thing was keeping it was to think back to the beginning of the relationship and how she felt for me. I've asked multiple times and asked to let's try this again cause she is the person for me in every way and I just blew it. I asked to talk the following day and asked again and again to give me one last chance to make this relationship work so that but she said she doesn't want to and doesn't have any desire to be in a relationship with me. It's never that I didn't listen to her, it just took over and over several times for me to clearly take the right approach to this situation....but now it's too late.
I don't know what to do. I know it's my fault that it lead to this point. I couldn't see that she was so drained, that she was on her last straw. I was too slow to listen and too quick to talk and become angry when it should have been the other way around. I blame myself for losing the girl of my dreams right now. I know that God made this relationship possible from the start (that another story in itself) and that God has a reason for all these things but I don't know what to do. I can't blame anyone but myself cause I didn't give a 100%. It was too late when I, myself saw the clear picture. I don't want to lose her. I didn't know being too quiet/not sharing a lot can show my faith/spiritual level, I thought it was more character based and maybe that what she means when she says "we have a different color of faith." I don't want this to be the end of our story cause I can't see my future without her in it. She's very certain on her decision, that she doesn't want a relationship with me. Is there anything I can do? What should I do? What can I do to possibly spark that fire between us again and for her to give it shot again, one last time? I want this relationship and want to make it work, where I know the problem and where I can give all I have.
Thank you for reading my current situation and I'm apologize if it was hard to understand what I just wrote. Please let me know if I can clarify anything for you. Thank you again.
Love is not something we "try" for. Neither is faith. The Spirit produces the good fruit inside of us, it's nothing we have to struggle to achieve on our own strength. This is important. You will find God's Word to be incredibly helpful in understanding life. If Christ is first in your life, love in relationship is smooth!
Christ's love WILL TRANSFORM our entire life if it is at work within us. If our lifestyle is the same after as it was before, we are still being ruled by our flesh. Anyone who considers themselves a spiritual person will be incredibly cautious about marriage! She wants to know if you can understand her heart (not just her physical appearance).
"I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." Romans 12:1-2
In a relationship with 'believers', if one has devoted their entire life to Christ and the other has not, it is not going to work. If our entire life is devoted to Christ, marriage naturally comes together. Love is MUTUAL. Good listening comes with patience and patience comes from CHRIST.
There's an enormous difference between believing in Christ, and Living a Christ-like lifestyle through the Word and in Relationship. She is likely wanting someone who can battle with her, love her, cry with her, love peace, and understand what she understands.
God wants us to put Christ before EVERYTHING. That is true faith. That is a disciple. She likely foresees a divorce in the future because of the major difference in maturity, and she will not allow that to happen. Unfortunately, she discerned this after the fact.
"Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership can righteousness have with wickedness? Or what fellowship does light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement can exist between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said:
“I will live with them
and walk among them,
and I will be their God,
and they will be My people.”
“Therefore come out from among them
and be separate, says the Lord.
Touch no unclean thing,
and I will receive you.”
And:
“I will be a father to you,
and you will be My sons and daughters,
says the Lord Almighty.” 2 Corinthians 6:14-18
“The heart is more deceitful than all else
And is desperately sick;
Who can understand it?
“I, the LORD, search the heart,
I test the mind,
Even to give to each man according to his ways,
According to the results of his deeds." Jeremiah 17:9-10
I would ask her specifics, as to why it won't work. Don't get angry if she says something "rude" because she's likely telling the Truth, judging by her character you described. Blessings Friend! Sorry if this sounded rude! I sincerely want to save you a lot of potential hurt.
