Relationship Advice-21 never dated?

[Josh_r12]

What’s up everyone? I’m new around here, but it feels like a cool community from what I’ve seen so far so I’m excited to explore. I’ve got a lot of background information so you can actually understand why I’m a really frustrated and feeling a little helpless for the first time.

None the less, I’m 21, a junior in college. I went to a small Christian high school (only 50 kids per grade), and basically moment of the guys in grade dated anyone throughout high school cause the girls in our class were terrible. None the less, I was excited to get to college and hopefully meet a Jesus-loving amazing, beautiful girl, but I’m a public university and even though I’ve been very involved with Christian orgs on campus, I’ve never met a girl here who I’m attracted too physically, spiritually, and personality wise as well.

A big issue for me is that I’m 5’8, 200 lbs. So I’m not really fat, but I’m definitely not in shape. I’m fairly average looking guy, and I dress fairly well. I’ve had many people say, “josh, you haven’t dated anyone? I would never guess that from someone like you.” Because I’m confident, and I’m very personable. The issue arises with my interest and such.

I’m a sport management major. obviously, I love sports. But I also love video games, so I have a “nerdy” side. But the problem is, I’m naturally attracted to physically fit, athletic, “sporty” girls who are confident and out going. My problem is, athletic, fit girls aren’t attracted to me, since I’m not ripped, or extremely athletic, and generally since they’re sporty, we dont have many similar interest besides some sports I guess. It’s just been a huge issue for me, and I see so many friends and people I’ve met around campus with great relationships, and I’ve never even had a single relationship.

It’s just worrying me that I’m running out of time. I don’t want to force anything or waste my time on a pointless relationship. I just want something real, with a girl who I can just pour myself into, serve her, encourage her, and as lame as it is, just stare into her beautiful eyes and talk about Jesus.

Im a junior already, so it just feels like I’m not going to meet anyone at this point, who I would date before I graduate. I’ve been using dating apps as well to find this girl, but nothing has come from it.

I hate taking about it with people, because who in this day in age hasn’t dated someone by 21?

I’m just really discouraged, and I’m really asking for prayer, and any advice on how to find this amazing girl?

Thanks for listening!

 

[God is good]

What’s up everyone? I’m new around here, but it feels like a cool community from what I’ve seen so far so I’m excited to explore. I’ve got a lot of background information so you can actually understand why I’m a really frustrated and feeling a little helpless for the first time.

None the less, I’m 21, a junior in college. I went to a small Christian high school (only 50 kids per grade), and basically moment of the guys in grade dated anyone throughout high school cause the girls in our class were terrible. None the less, I was excited to get to college and hopefully meet a Jesus-loving amazing, beautiful girl, but I’m a public university and even though I’ve been very involved with Christian orgs on campus, I’ve never met a girl here who I’m attracted too physically, spiritually, and personality wise as well.

A big issue for me is that I’m 5’8, 200 lbs. So I’m not really fat, but I’m definitely not in shape. I’m fairly average looking guy, and I dress fairly well. I’ve had many people say, “josh, you haven’t dated anyone? I would never guess that from someone like you.” Because I’m confident, and I’m very personable. The issue arises with my interest and such.

I’m a sport management major. obviously, I love sports. But I also love video games, so I have a “nerdy” side. But the problem is, I’m naturally attracted to physically fit, athletic, “sporty” girls who are confident and out going. My problem is, athletic, fit girls aren’t attracted to me, since I’m not ripped, or extremely athletic, and generally since they’re sporty, we dont have many similar interest besides some sports I guess. It’s just been a huge issue for me, and I see so many friends and people I’ve met around campus with great relationships, and I’ve never even had a single relationship.

It’s just worrying me that I’m running out of time. I don’t want to force anything or waste my time on a pointless relationship. I just want something real, with a girl who I can just pour myself into, serve her, encourage her, and as lame as it is, just stare into her beautiful eyes and talk about Jesus.

Im a junior already, so it just feels like I’m not going to meet anyone at this point, who I would date before I graduate. I’ve been using dating apps as well to find this girl, but nothing has come from it.

I hate taking about it with people, because who in this day in age hasn’t dated someone by 21?

I’m just really discouraged, and I’m really asking for prayer, and any advice on how to find this amazing girl?

Thanks for listening!

Hi, my name is Zack and I'm a christian who is 20 years old and I don't have a girlfriend and I haven't dated in years. I also can get like how you're feeling sometimes but what helps me is my relationship with Jesus Christ and I believe that if it's in God's will then you will find a girlfriend sometime. God bless you and Jesus is Lord.

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

Probably the most realistic advice anyone can give you given what you said about the body type you are looking for and the body type you described yourself as having is to become the mate you are looking for. What I mean is if you want someone physically fit what makes you think these women don't value the same thing? You are running into a few obvious issues here. You want someone fit and you aren't fit, you also seem to have too high of expectations for your future mate and need to come down to earth with those idealistic expectations. The girl you want is out there. She may be on campus, she may be across the country. She is out there however. If you don't find her before college is over that doesn't mean you failed or you won't ever find her.

Ask yourself if you would date the female version of yourself, if so then keep looking for that girl. If not then either work towards becoming what you want or be willing to sacrifice some of your "requirements."

 

[GuusVA]

IMO, stop LOOKING for a girl, start PRAYING for a girl.

I'm 21 married and have baby. Does that mean I got more lucky? NO, it means God send me into the mission field at age 19. What I do know is that God led both of us down a specific trail to get where we are at now!

Pray that God will prepare you for a relationship, then pray that God will send you a good Godly wife! In relationships prayer is a key! As a youth pastor I see many people praying for relationships being single super long and then finding a great girl that suits them well, patience rewarded. I see people not praying over relationships, ending up in a few shallow soon to be over relationships. Being unhappy and coming back crying, I should have listened to the many lessons taught on the subject.

Pick who you would like to look like!

Mostly however

PRAY ON IT!

 

[LoricaLady]

You say you are an average looking guy but want a beautiful girl. In our world people of similar attractiveness generally pair up. (Being a rich guy can change that balance, but you do not seem to be saying you are wealthy.) You say you are not in especially good physical condition, yet you want a girl who is. If you want someone who is "ripped", well, such gals are generally looking for someone who is in great shape, too. It's just how life goes.

Perhaps you need to start looking more at the inner qualities of girls and give some a chance who are not beautiful and not in great condition.

 

[Kit Sigmon]

What’s up everyone? I’m new around here, but it feels like a cool community from what I’ve seen so far so I’m excited to explore. I’ve got a lot of background information so you can actually understand why I’m a really frustrated and feeling a little helpless for the first time.

None the less, I’m 21, a junior in college. I went to a small Christian high school (only 50 kids per grade), and basically moment of the guys in grade dated anyone throughout high school cause the girls in our class were terrible. None the less, I was excited to get to college and hopefully meet a Jesus-loving amazing, beautiful girl, but I’m a public university and even though I’ve been very involved with Christian orgs on campus, I’ve never met a girl here who I’m attracted too physically, spiritually, and personality wise as well.

A big issue for me is that I’m 5’8, 200 lbs. So I’m not really fat, but I’m definitely not in shape. I’m fairly average looking guy, and I dress fairly well. I’ve had many people say, “josh, you haven’t dated anyone? I would never guess that from someone like you.” Because I’m confident, and I’m very personable. The issue arises with my interest and such.

I’m a sport management major. obviously, I love sports. But I also love video games, so I have a “nerdy” side. But the problem is, I’m naturally attracted to physically fit, athletic, “sporty” girls who are confident and out going. My problem is, athletic, fit girls aren’t attracted to me, since I’m not ripped, or extremely athletic, and generally since they’re sporty, we dont have many similar interest besides some sports I guess. It’s just been a huge issue for me, and I see so many friends and people I’ve met around campus with great relationships, and I’ve never even had a single relationship.

It’s just worrying me that I’m running out of time. I don’t want to force anything or waste my time on a pointless relationship. I just want something real, with a girl who I can just pour myself into, serve her, encourage her, and as lame as it is, just stare into her beautiful eyes and talk about Jesus.

Im a junior already, so it just feels like I’m not going to meet anyone at this point, who I would date before I graduate. I’ve been using dating apps as well to find this girl, but nothing has come from it.

I hate taking about it with people, because who in this day in age hasn’t dated someone by 21?

I’m just really discouraged, and I’m really asking for prayer, and any advice on how to find this amazing girl?

Thanks for listening!

Don't be in no hurry Josh...there's far too many these days who have had over-
the-moon romances and subsequent marriages and they've end in divorce...just mentioned this like yesterday in another thread that my church has lots of divorced/divorcing couples...who married young, had a couple children and just
as and or before the children have become teens, their parents be splitting up.
This trend is growing amongst the church.

You're not running out of time...use time wisely and be about walking humbly with the Lord, daily devote yourself to Him and kingdom work.

 

[yuppers]

Buddy, you're 21 years old... it's not weird that you haven't dated anyone. You are DEFINITELY NOT running out of time!! You are barely starting life in the real world. It's fine to use dating apps and such but sometimes you just have to be patient. It sucks, trust me I know but sometimes you just can't change the reality of a situation like this. Try to live your life to the fullest everyday whether you have a girlfriend of not... if you think a "athletic body girl" won't like you because a little extra weight why not start working out then? Loose those extra pounds and start building some muscle till you're happy.

 

[Poppyseed78]

You're not running out of time. You're very young, with your entire life ahead of you. Wanting to meet the right person is fine, but don't put unnecessary pressure on yourself.

I apologize if this is harsh, but you seem preoccupied with superficial matters. Instead of looking for a "beautiful" girl, instead focus on fellowship with other Christians. And if you become bitter that girls you like don't like you, recognize the double standard in that. Why is it okay for you to be shallow, but not them? A Godly, happy marriage is based on far more than looks and physical attraction.

 

[Zatek]

What’s up everyone? I’m new around here, but it feels like a cool community from what I’ve seen so far so I’m excited to explore. I’ve got a lot of background information so you can actually understand why I’m a really frustrated and feeling a little helpless for the first time.

None the less, I’m 21, a junior in college. I went to a small Christian high school (only 50 kids per grade), and basically moment of the guys in grade dated anyone throughout high school cause the girls in our class were terrible. None the less, I was excited to get to college and hopefully meet a Jesus-loving amazing, beautiful girl, but I’m a public university and even though I’ve been very involved with Christian orgs on campus, I’ve never met a girl here who I’m attracted too physically, spiritually, and personality wise as well.

A big issue for me is that I’m 5’8, 200 lbs. So I’m not really fat, but I’m definitely not in shape. I’m fairly average looking guy, and I dress fairly well. I’ve had many people say, “josh, you haven’t dated anyone? I would never guess that from someone like you.” Because I’m confident, and I’m very personable. The issue arises with my interest and such.

I’m a sport management major. obviously, I love sports. But I also love video games, so I have a “nerdy” side. But the problem is, I’m naturally attracted to physically fit, athletic, “sporty” girls who are confident and out going. My problem is, athletic, fit girls aren’t attracted to me, since I’m not ripped, or extremely athletic, and generally since they’re sporty, we dont have many similar interest besides some sports I guess. It’s just been a huge issue for me, and I see so many friends and people I’ve met around campus with great relationships, and I’ve never even had a single relationship.

It’s just worrying me that I’m running out of time. I don’t want to force anything or waste my time on a pointless relationship. I just want something real, with a girl who I can just pour myself into, serve her, encourage her, and as lame as it is, just stare into her beautiful eyes and talk about Jesus.

Im a junior already, so it just feels like I’m not going to meet anyone at this point, who I would date before I graduate. I’ve been using dating apps as well to find this girl, but nothing has come from it.

I hate taking about it with people, because who in this day in age hasn’t dated someone by 21?

I’m just really discouraged, and I’m really asking for prayer, and any advice on how to find this amazing girl?

Thanks for listening!

You sound very similar to me. I never even asked a woman out until about 25. 31 now. At 21 you have plenty of time as long as you make good use of it.

5'8" 200 lbs is definitely fat. Not saying it to be mean, just to be real with you. I am 5'9" 185 right now, and I bench almost 400 lbs, and I'd still say I'm a little bit fat, hence why I am cutting to around 165-170. You should definitely work on losing some weight and build muscle, and that will help attract fit women, and you'll feel better too.

Also, just from what you wrote there, especially about just finding a woman and serving her and such, makes you sound very feminine. I know because I used to be that way. My father was a bit feminine and so I didn't have a great example of a masculine man while growing up. You need to find some Christian men or mentors who you can spend time with a learn to be more masculine by watching and emulating their behaviour.

You don't need to overwhelm yourself with all these at once, but here are some of the basic things you should do if you aren't already:

Find a church to attend weekly.
Commit to biblical sexuality.
Determine what you long term goals are.
Set short term goals related to those goals.
Commit time for completing those.
Find other Christian men who are also interested in self-improvement to be friends with.
Lift weight and exercise and eat healthy.

 

[mnphysicist]

A few bits from an old guy...

At 21, you aren't running out of time, but you may be wasting time. The reason being, relationships take work, and just like any other endeavor, you don't become proficient without practice. Sure, maybe you win the lottery and click with the first girl you date, you marry her, and things work out well for a lifetime.... alas, the working out for a lifetime bit generally tends to be pretty rare. Male/female dynamics are crazy complicated and there is a learning curve on both sides of the equation.

A better approach is to look at dating as practicing for life, such relationships are never pointless, as both folks grow in relationship skill as well as growing closer towards Jesus, even if the relationship never works out. Keep things at a very slow pace, guard your heart, date lots of people, take your time, and learn from your mistakes. (Beware the early Josh Harris books, he was a young kid when he wrote them, and at this point wishes he hadn't said a lot of what he did).

Granted, moving slowly is easier said than done, but moving to exclusivity too quickly gets your heart tied up well before both of your relationship skills are in place. High speed exclusivity often ends up creating a cycle of dating someone for a while, doing one or more incredibly stupid things, having the relation blow up, having your heart break, rinse, wash, and repeat over and over again... until your relationship skills get synced with your heart.

As far as this goes

I just want something real, with a girl who I can just pour myself into, serve her, encourage her, and as lame as it is, just stare into her beautiful eyes and talk about Jesus.

egads! Maybe it makes sense if you want to be an older brother or friend type, and if so, hey that's cool, but in general, dating wise its a chemistry killer, and could well be a warning that you are a "nice guy" that really isn't. Such is why dating experience and male/female relationship skill building is so important.

As far as getting the right mindset for relationships... check out Lacy Sturms TedX talk on you tube.

Now as far as winning the athletic girl, I was out of shape, overweight, rarely shaven, and generally dressed like a slob... and yet had this awesome chemistry with my late wife who was an exercise fanatic and way above my league to boot. Alas, as an FYI, if you are not in shape and marry someone who spends 90 minutes a day working out... you will hear about it, a lot!!!

 

[Elam84]

Do what I did, get in the gym and start lifting. You want a girl that's into fitness and takes care of herself, well you gota do the same. I mean, do you really expect her to respect you if you're sitting on the couch and she's putting in the work?

Don't get me wrong, you don't have to be ripped, women don't need the same physical attractiveness that we do. They're much more turned on by who you are than what you look like, which is a good thing for us praise God. Show her you aren't lazy and a slouch though, get in the gym and lift weights and your body composition will naturally get better.

Be focused on what makes you great, and on your passion. Look to God in your life, make sure you're still involved in what he wants for you, and make sure you're taking care of yourself financially. Women want a man that's going somewhere and is capable of standing on his own two feet, that doesn't mean he has to be bill gates, and she actually wants to be part of your journey, so make sure you're actually GOING somewhere so to speak, anywhere you're passionate about is fine. Women are extremely attracted to a man that doesn't NEED her but WANTS her. Stop being needy, focus on God and improving yourself, and trust me you'll get more of the attention you want.

Don't expect a miracle, it's rare, not saying it's not possible, but more likely you'll find a girl that isn't a " 10 " so to speak but she will be once you guys meld. It's a lot more satisfying, I've been told, to have a girl that you really click with and are in step, than just a pretty face who's not really into you. Wouldn't you like a girl that takes her health seriously, but also enjoys playing games with you? More than likely that's not going to come in the body of a cheerleader, but that doesn't mean she'll be unattractive to you either.

In theory, you'll find a girl that's " good enough " as disparaging as that sounds, but remember you'll be " good enough " for her too. We all want a magazine model, who has our exact interests, who compliments us perfectly, but this is a fallen world and nothing here is perfect. It's hard with today's social media, because you see every guy or girl out there that looks amazing and has a ton of followers, but try to be more present in your own life and be less focused on those things, no judgement may not even be a problem you have, but it is for a lot of people.