God's giving me alot of healing at the moment.
Recently, God showed me a lie from when i was a kid. That lie was "i can't have love". I felt like I was never good enough, & i felt in need of attention that i never seemed to be able to get when i asked in healthy and unhealthy ways. Later, i became empowered by this same lie, that morphed into more lies: "i don't want love" and "i don't need love". If i ever had a thought, a feeling, a behaviour, or even a desire that suggested i might want or need love, or anything from any human being, i would feel so much shame and punish myself for it. I began self-harming at 13, which i believe became an addiction which i still struggle with to this day. (I am now 24...although nearly all of the time the battle ends in my mind, but VERY occasionally i mess up).
Anyway, i finally became a Christian after becoming confronted with my need of a saviour by the name of Jesus. So i was like "yep, all i need is God. Just God and me. I don't need anyone. I'm strong now cos i got God."
Well, that's something that God's been working on since i got saved. I came to a realisation in the last six months (4 years after) that i do, in fact, need people. I have God-given needs that are to be met in relationships with other people. I'm still trying to figure out which ones. It's a scary thought. I find relating with others difficult because i am confused about what's healthy and what's not. It doesn't help that i've also struggled with gender identity issues in the past, which seems to be the root of alot of my relating insecurities.
I use to hate women, and still do to a subconscious degree. I also related with men more confidently than i did with women, and that's the direction that my relating skills went. Trying to be "one of the boys". I also had a few unhealthy boundaries that i was ignorant of up until quite recently.
When i'm talking to a guy, eg, one of my boyfriends mates or a guy at my church, i feel really ashamed and conscious of the fact i don't know how i'm coming across. "Are the words i'm using okay? Do i come across a little too comfortable? Is there anything about me that could come across as flirting? Does my boyfriends housemate think i'm hot for him? Or that i would if he offered? What about my guy friend who i see one-on-one sometimes who held my hand when he was encouraging me that day? Or how we went to the beach together that time? What about my other guy friend who i love like a brother? Do i ever come across like that with him? Is the way i relate with him unhealthy?" And the list goes on...
When i'm talking to a girl...far out. Building friendships with girls is something i find harder than with guys. I don't know how to read girls. Generally, guys seem more straight up so i don't have to guess. I have a whole range of generalisations that are anti-girl and pro-guy when it comes to this stuff.
So when i'm talking with a girl, especially someone i want to build a friendship with or i already have a friendship with, i feel so clueless. I feel perverted too because i struggle with sexual thoughts and images of girls in my mind, and for some reason, i catch myself checking girls out. I also feel confronted with the "differentness" i feel about my own femininity. They know how to do make-up, they do their hair like this, they know how to use a hairdryer, they have girls they have coffee with and go shopping with, they like shoes. I, on the other hand, am clueless. There was a time when i would have liked to have learned all this stuff, but it's way overdue and i would feel so ashamed about asking a girl how to be a girl. I should know this stuff by now. I'm 24, not 13.
Plus, what am i doing talking to a woman and desiring the emotional intimacy of her friendship when i have a sexual perversion?? I feel so dirty.
But back to my needs...i feel like i have enough needs to fill up a big room. I don't know exactly what all of them are yet, but one of them is definitely relationship with others human beings. I have a problem, so i'll fix it. I'll go and have my needs met by stepping out and pursuing friendships. But wait a minute, isn't that selfish? Pursuing relationships to fulfull my own needs? How can i ask for anything from anyone but God? That's selfish. I should want to pursue relationships out of a desire to give. Well, i have that desire too. But i still have needs that won't be met if i continue with this avoidance. If i ask someone for a favour, for a listening ear, for some quality "get-to-know-you" time, what if they say no? If they don't really know me, they might think i'm a freak. Or they might be able to see the stuff that goes through my mind sometimes. Or worse still, what if they say yes but all the while resent it inside? How will i know? Maybe it's safer here in my little hole.
There is a memory that keeps coming up. I think it's God bringing it up.
When i was about...i dunno, 8 maybe? I used to hang out with my cousin all the time. We lived diagonally across the road from eachother. We would sleep at eachother's houses, have baths together, have dinner, play, whatever. One night, i was at her place cos i was sleeping over. We'd just got out of the bath and we were in her room. She had her undies on, and her tag was sticking out. So i went to tuck it in for her, and her mum walked past the doorway at that exact moment and went ballistic at me. I don't remember her words, but i was being accused of intentionally put my hand out to touch her there. I didn't really understand, but i felt really confused, misunderstood, hurt, ashamed...just really yuck.
Then later that night, she put us in her brothers room that was closer to her room. In retrospect, perhaps because we'd be in seperate beds. I woke up at 4 or 5am and couldn't get back to sleep. I whispered to her and said "are you awake?". She said "yeah". We had a brief conversation, and a minute later her mum burst in and went psycho at me again, demanding to know how long we'd been talking.
During that particular stay, there seemed to be about ten things that i got pulled up for. The others weren't to do with my cousin but. & after that, my cousin told me that her mum didn't want me to sleep over anymore.
I feel that feeling now when i talk to girls. I feel like a predator or something.
Anyway, i'm still overcoming the shame surrounding my needs. I had a need to get all this stuff out and be heard by others, and that's what i'm doing by posting this.
Recently, God showed me a lie from when i was a kid. That lie was "i can't have love". I felt like I was never good enough, & i felt in need of attention that i never seemed to be able to get when i asked in healthy and unhealthy ways. Later, i became empowered by this same lie, that morphed into more lies: "i don't want love" and "i don't need love". If i ever had a thought, a feeling, a behaviour, or even a desire that suggested i might want or need love, or anything from any human being, i would feel so much shame and punish myself for it. I began self-harming at 13, which i believe became an addiction which i still struggle with to this day. (I am now 24...although nearly all of the time the battle ends in my mind, but VERY occasionally i mess up).
Anyway, i finally became a Christian after becoming confronted with my need of a saviour by the name of Jesus. So i was like "yep, all i need is God. Just God and me. I don't need anyone. I'm strong now cos i got God."
Well, that's something that God's been working on since i got saved. I came to a realisation in the last six months (4 years after) that i do, in fact, need people. I have God-given needs that are to be met in relationships with other people. I'm still trying to figure out which ones. It's a scary thought. I find relating with others difficult because i am confused about what's healthy and what's not. It doesn't help that i've also struggled with gender identity issues in the past, which seems to be the root of alot of my relating insecurities.
I use to hate women, and still do to a subconscious degree. I also related with men more confidently than i did with women, and that's the direction that my relating skills went. Trying to be "one of the boys". I also had a few unhealthy boundaries that i was ignorant of up until quite recently.
When i'm talking to a guy, eg, one of my boyfriends mates or a guy at my church, i feel really ashamed and conscious of the fact i don't know how i'm coming across. "Are the words i'm using okay? Do i come across a little too comfortable? Is there anything about me that could come across as flirting? Does my boyfriends housemate think i'm hot for him? Or that i would if he offered? What about my guy friend who i see one-on-one sometimes who held my hand when he was encouraging me that day? Or how we went to the beach together that time? What about my other guy friend who i love like a brother? Do i ever come across like that with him? Is the way i relate with him unhealthy?" And the list goes on...
When i'm talking to a girl...far out. Building friendships with girls is something i find harder than with guys. I don't know how to read girls. Generally, guys seem more straight up so i don't have to guess. I have a whole range of generalisations that are anti-girl and pro-guy when it comes to this stuff.
So when i'm talking with a girl, especially someone i want to build a friendship with or i already have a friendship with, i feel so clueless. I feel perverted too because i struggle with sexual thoughts and images of girls in my mind, and for some reason, i catch myself checking girls out. I also feel confronted with the "differentness" i feel about my own femininity. They know how to do make-up, they do their hair like this, they know how to use a hairdryer, they have girls they have coffee with and go shopping with, they like shoes. I, on the other hand, am clueless. There was a time when i would have liked to have learned all this stuff, but it's way overdue and i would feel so ashamed about asking a girl how to be a girl. I should know this stuff by now. I'm 24, not 13.
Plus, what am i doing talking to a woman and desiring the emotional intimacy of her friendship when i have a sexual perversion?? I feel so dirty.
But back to my needs...i feel like i have enough needs to fill up a big room. I don't know exactly what all of them are yet, but one of them is definitely relationship with others human beings. I have a problem, so i'll fix it. I'll go and have my needs met by stepping out and pursuing friendships. But wait a minute, isn't that selfish? Pursuing relationships to fulfull my own needs? How can i ask for anything from anyone but God? That's selfish. I should want to pursue relationships out of a desire to give. Well, i have that desire too. But i still have needs that won't be met if i continue with this avoidance. If i ask someone for a favour, for a listening ear, for some quality "get-to-know-you" time, what if they say no? If they don't really know me, they might think i'm a freak. Or they might be able to see the stuff that goes through my mind sometimes. Or worse still, what if they say yes but all the while resent it inside? How will i know? Maybe it's safer here in my little hole.
There is a memory that keeps coming up. I think it's God bringing it up.
When i was about...i dunno, 8 maybe? I used to hang out with my cousin all the time. We lived diagonally across the road from eachother. We would sleep at eachother's houses, have baths together, have dinner, play, whatever. One night, i was at her place cos i was sleeping over. We'd just got out of the bath and we were in her room. She had her undies on, and her tag was sticking out. So i went to tuck it in for her, and her mum walked past the doorway at that exact moment and went ballistic at me. I don't remember her words, but i was being accused of intentionally put my hand out to touch her there. I didn't really understand, but i felt really confused, misunderstood, hurt, ashamed...just really yuck.
Then later that night, she put us in her brothers room that was closer to her room. In retrospect, perhaps because we'd be in seperate beds. I woke up at 4 or 5am and couldn't get back to sleep. I whispered to her and said "are you awake?". She said "yeah". We had a brief conversation, and a minute later her mum burst in and went psycho at me again, demanding to know how long we'd been talking.
During that particular stay, there seemed to be about ten things that i got pulled up for. The others weren't to do with my cousin but. & after that, my cousin told me that her mum didn't want me to sleep over anymore.
I feel that feeling now when i talk to girls. I feel like a predator or something.
Anyway, i'm still overcoming the shame surrounding my needs. I had a need to get all this stuff out and be heard by others, and that's what i'm doing by posting this.
