Relapse.

[NewCovenant]

Hi, all. I'm bipolar type 2. I was diagnosed 18 years ago, and have been on medication since.

During the early phase of my bpd, or, better said, shortly after my diagnosis, I was hospitalized numerous times. A couple of those hospitalizations lasted 30 days or so. Those were difficult, dark times.

I did, however, improve, thanks to Christ and my family. I remained somewhat stable for several years.

I was hospitalized again in 2002 after a suicide attempt, following a family crisis. It was the first time in 6 or 7 years that I was that bad off. During the 2002 hospitalization, I was assigned a very good doctor, and I've continued to see him for the last 6 years. I have remained relatively stable all this time.

In August of this year, my mood began to decline. My doctor was changing out some of my meds (we were trying to combat the excessive weight gain I'd experienced since on this particular medication regimen) and as a result, my moods became unstable. I was sleeping poorly, waking up in the middle of the night and unable to go back to sleep. I began rapid cycling.

By the first week of September, my doctor was trying to convince me to admit myself to the hospital. I was no longer cycling, I was in a major depression. Nothing seemed to work.

Finally, I realized that I was useless in my present condition, and I was only getting worse. I was not only depressed, I was full of fear, and of everything -- I would not even go outside.

I admitted myself to the hospital and remained there for one week.

I arrived home on a Friday, and by Saturday, I was back in the same depression. Nothing had changed -- I felt as badly as I did the day I was admitted. By Sunday, I was completely non-functional. I returned to the hospital, where I remained for another week.

I came to the realization that I was not getting anything out of this particular hospitalization. It wasn't anybody's fault, it's just that I have been through the routine so much that I knew everything they were going to share with me.

I came home again, still depressed, but determined to get well. I saw my doctor 3 days after my discharge, and he made a few medication changes. This helped, but it was a gradual change and an uphill battle.

I spent the next couple of weeks reading -- a lot. Almost anything to keep my mind occupied, and trying very hard to stay "out of my head."

I started to feel better, but slowly. I realized, last week, that I no longer needed to keep my mind occupied every second --it was safe to just chill. It's still hard to get out of bed -- it seems that my dark thoughts sneak up on me in the morning. But I'm getting better. I have started to go out, leave the house, do some shopping, play on the Net, watch movies, etc.

This has been the longest and hardest recovery I've ever experienced. The entire month of September was horrific. I haven't had a depression like that in so many years, it was frightening. I'm grateful to God for my family and support system. I may not have survived this depression without them. (Incidentally, I gave up caffeine and cigarettes during this ordeal. I feel physically better for it, too.)

Thank you for reading this. It's been a great encouragement to come here and read all of your posts.

 

[madison1101]

I am glad to hear that you are coming out of your most recent relapse. It sounds like you were in the pits, and are working your way out slowly, but steadily.

Speaking of pits, have you read Beth Moore's book, "Get Out Of That Pit." ? It is very good, and helped me during a rough patch.

God bless.

Trish

 

[Jeshu]

Hi, all. I'm bipolar type 2. I was diagnosed 18 years ago, and have been on medication since.

During the early phase of my bpd, or, better said, shortly after my diagnosis, I was hospitalized numerous times. A couple of those hospitalizations lasted 30 days or so. Those were difficult, dark times.

I did, however, improve, thanks to Christ and my family. I remained somewhat stable for several years.

I was hospitalized again in 2002 after a suicide attempt, following a family crisis. It was the first time in 6 or 7 years that I was that bad off. During the 2002 hospitalization, I was assigned a very good doctor, and I've continued to see him for the last 6 years. I have remained relatively stable all this time.

In August of this year, my mood began to decline. My doctor was changing out some of my meds (we were trying to combat the excessive weight gain I'd experienced since on this particular medication regimen) and as a result, my moods became unstable. I was sleeping poorly, waking up in the middle of the night and unable to go back to sleep. I began rapid cycling.

By the first week of September, my doctor was trying to convince me to admit myself to the hospital. I was no longer cycling, I was in a major depression. Nothing seemed to work.

Finally, I realized that I was useless in my present condition, and I was only getting worse. I was not only depressed, I was full of fear, and of everything -- I would not even go outside.

I admitted myself to the hospital and remained there for one week.

I arrived home on a Friday, and by Saturday, I was back in the same depression. Nothing had changed -- I felt as badly as I did the day I was admitted. By Sunday, I was completely non-functional. I returned to the hospital, where I remained for another week.

I came to the realization that I was not getting anything out of this particular hospitalization. It wasn't anybody's fault, it's just that I have been through the routine so much that I knew everything they were going to share with me.

I came home again, still depressed, but determined to get well. I saw my doctor 3 days after my discharge, and he made a few medication changes. This helped, but it was a gradual change and an uphill battle.

I spent the next couple of weeks reading -- a lot. Almost anything to keep my mind occupied, and trying very hard to stay "out of my head."

I started to feel better, but slowly. I realized, last week, that I no longer needed to keep my mind occupied every second --it was safe to just chill. It's still hard to get out of bed -- it seems that my dark thoughts sneak up on me in the morning. But I'm getting better. I have started to go out, leave the house, do some shopping, play on the Net, watch movies, etc.

This has been the longest and hardest recovery I've ever experienced. The entire month of September was horrific. I haven't had a depression like that in so many years, it was frightening. I'm grateful to God for my family and support system. I may not have survived this depression without them. (Incidentally, I gave up caffeine and cigarettes during this ordeal. I feel physically better for it, too.)

Thank you for reading this. It's been a great encouragement to come here and read all of your posts.

Put all your hope in Him and always seek the light, also in darkness His light is a light to our path, keep following the Light that's my honest advise.

I just wrote a poem about the pit, I hope you don't mind sharing it with you.

Blessings.


Gerry

Forsaking The Pit.
As I climb over the rim, I clearly see,
Involuntary I shudder the sight in me,
Down without a bottom the pit below,
Yes this fiery hole within me to show!

Hear voices of darkness pressing hard on must.
Those 'speaking guilt, shame, unbelief, and distrust,
All together pushing, yes, pressing me deep,
Resisting my climb to the top so steep.

See those guilty feelings still tug my feet,
I can feel flames searing, my toes they meet!
Electrifying my soul, no mercy on show.
Why ever did I take this hell-hole in tow?

Above me the Light, Jesus, the Truth so high!
How long before I will meet up with Him in the sky?
He knows I will come after Him without a doubt,
As true nourishing goodness He is all about.

My bloodied fingers scraped by rock,
For how many years did they mock?
Those hard places within my very being,
Those fiery stones of my own seeing!

I climbed after the Light right above me,
The only truth that truly leaves me be,
Never will I stop seeking after The Light.
As Jesus Christ is my very soul's delight!

Soon the 'resting place' of my enemy,
Bottomless pit shall forever be!
For the ones without Love or Grace.
Those who with their lies made this place.

***​

 

[meh]

Hi, all. I'm bipolar type 2. I was diagnosed 18 years ago, and have been on medication since.

During the early phase of my bpd, or, better said, shortly after my diagnosis, I was hospitalized numerous times. A couple of those hospitalizations lasted 30 days or so. Those were difficult, dark times.

I did, however, improve, thanks to Christ and my family. I remained somewhat stable for several years.

I was hospitalized again in 2002 after a suicide attempt, following a family crisis. It was the first time in 6 or 7 years that I was that bad off. During the 2002 hospitalization, I was assigned a very good doctor, and I've continued to see him for the last 6 years. I have remained relatively stable all this time.

In August of this year, my mood began to decline. My doctor was changing out some of my meds (we were trying to combat the excessive weight gain I'd experienced since on this particular medication regimen) and as a result, my moods became unstable. I was sleeping poorly, waking up in the middle of the night and unable to go back to sleep. I began rapid cycling.

By the first week of September, my doctor was trying to convince me to admit myself to the hospital. I was no longer cycling, I was in a major depression. Nothing seemed to work.

Finally, I realized that I was useless in my present condition, and I was only getting worse. I was not only depressed, I was full of fear, and of everything -- I would not even go outside.

I admitted myself to the hospital and remained there for one week.

I arrived home on a Friday, and by Saturday, I was back in the same depression. Nothing had changed -- I felt as badly as I did the day I was admitted. By Sunday, I was completely non-functional. I returned to the hospital, where I remained for another week.

I came to the realization that I was not getting anything out of this particular hospitalization. It wasn't anybody's fault, it's just that I have been through the routine so much that I knew everything they were going to share with me.

I came home again, still depressed, but determined to get well. I saw my doctor 3 days after my discharge, and he made a few medication changes. This helped, but it was a gradual change and an uphill battle.

I spent the next couple of weeks reading -- a lot. Almost anything to keep my mind occupied, and trying very hard to stay "out of my head."

I started to feel better, but slowly. I realized, last week, that I no longer needed to keep my mind occupied every second --it was safe to just chill. It's still hard to get out of bed -- it seems that my dark thoughts sneak up on me in the morning. But I'm getting better. I have started to go out, leave the house, do some shopping, play on the Net, watch movies, etc.

This has been the longest and hardest recovery I've ever experienced. The entire month of September was horrific. I haven't had a depression like that in so many years, it was frightening. I'm grateful to God for my family and support system. I may not have survived this depression without them. (Incidentally, I gave up caffeine and cigarettes during this ordeal. I feel physically better for it, too.)

Thank you for reading this. It's been a great encouragement to come here and read all of your posts.

I am so glad you are improving. It sounds like you've had quite a struggle. Med switches seem to always be rather hard. God bless you and thank you for posting because your story is inspiring.

 

[NewCovenant]

Thank you all for your loving and supportive words.

Madison, I will look for Beth Moore's book the next time I visit the Christian book store.

God bless all of you.

 

[Ariel]

Praying for you, NC. God bless you, too. (((hug)))

 

[NewCovenant]

Thanks, Ariel. You're a sweetheart.

 

[Alive again]

Welcome amd saying a prayer for you. I have spent time in that p[it as well. Hav ebeen bettling the depression end of this illness again after several years away form that for the last ccouple of years,not as bad as before, but my doc is watching carefully as I have returned to work during that time. The concern is the stress of work worsening that half of my mood disorder. . . praying for you!

 

[NewCovenant]

Thank you for your prayers and your kind words.

I understand your feelings about returning to work. I am afraid to go to work for someone else. I run a part-time business and ministry from home, but it's not 40 hours or anything like that, and since I'm the boss, I come and go as I please.

I have tried to work numerous times during the last 18 years. No go. The stress from the job adds to my condition, and I always ended up quitting or getting fired. This just added to my feelings of inadequacy. I worked a part-time job for about 4 years, and that was okay, except that I wasn't making enough money to live on. Even with my disability income, I could barely make ends meet.

I will keep you in my prayers, as well, and send you good wishes on your new job.

 

[DoubtingThomas29]

Hey There NewCovenant! I remember a therapist telling someone at a group therapy session "We all have another relapse in us, but do I have another recovery?" It sounds like you are recovering, and you can thank your good constitution for that, hang in there you'll be alright!

 

[Sherry92]

I understand the med changes. I took myself off my seroquel and the medicine they have me on for sleep sent me into a manic episode. I just cant come off my meds. I see my Pdoc on thursday so I am hoping she will put me at the full strength when I see her.

 

[tinastree]

Hi, all. I'm bipolar type 2. I was diagnosed 18 years ago, and have been on medication since.

During the early phase of my bpd, or, better said, shortly after my diagnosis, I was hospitalized numerous times. A couple of those hospitalizations lasted 30 days or so. Those were difficult, dark times.

I did, however, improve, thanks to Christ and my family. I remained somewhat stable for several years.

I was hospitalized again in 2002 after a suicide attempt, following a family crisis. It was the first time in 6 or 7 years that I was that bad off. During the 2002 hospitalization, I was assigned a very good doctor, and I've continued to see him for the last 6 years. I have remained relatively stable all this time.

In August of this year, my mood began to decline. My doctor was changing out some of my meds (we were trying to combat the excessive weight gain I'd experienced since on this particular medication regimen) and as a result, my moods became unstable. I was sleeping poorly, waking up in the middle of the night and unable to go back to sleep. I began rapid cycling.

By the first week of September, my doctor was trying to convince me to admit myself to the hospital. I was no longer cycling, I was in a major depression. Nothing seemed to work.

Finally, I realized that I was useless in my present condition, and I was only getting worse. I was not only depressed, I was full of fear, and of everything -- I would not even go outside.

I admitted myself to the hospital and remained there for one week.

I arrived home on a Friday, and by Saturday, I was back in the same depression. Nothing had changed -- I felt as badly as I did the day I was admitted. By Sunday, I was completely non-functional. I returned to the hospital, where I remained for another week.

I came to the realization that I was not getting anything out of this particular hospitalization. It wasn't anybody's fault, it's just that I have been through the routine so much that I knew everything they were going to share with me.

I came home again, still depressed, but determined to get well. I saw my doctor 3 days after my discharge, and he made a few medication changes. This helped, but it was a gradual change and an uphill battle.

I spent the next couple of weeks reading -- a lot. Almost anything to keep my mind occupied, and trying very hard to stay "out of my head."

I started to feel better, but slowly. I realized, last week, that I no longer needed to keep my mind occupied every second --it was safe to just chill. It's still hard to get out of bed -- it seems that my dark thoughts sneak up on me in the morning. But I'm getting better. I have started to go out, leave the house, do some shopping, play on the Net, watch movies, etc.

This has been the longest and hardest recovery I've ever experienced. The entire month of September was horrific. I haven't had a depression like that in so many years, it was frightening. I'm grateful to God for my family and support system. I may not have survived this depression without them. (Incidentally, I gave up caffeine and cigarettes during this ordeal. I feel physically better for it, too.)

Thank you for reading this. It's been a great encouragement to come here and read all of your posts.

Well, It'sngood to know I'm not the only one who suffers the same symptoms. I find it hard to even shower at times. My med change sent me straight to the er and I thought I was going to die. Since then, on more new meds things are more stable. I have so many questions about what a christian can and can't do. I feel like I can't even watch t.v. anymore. I find this walk with Christ to be such a hard one. I hear the Pastor saying what you can and can't do and it seems like you can't go to the movies or watch t.v. or even dress your kids in a scary costume. I'm so confused on so many levels. I'm glad you are feeling better. peace, tina

 

[Jeshu]

Well, It'sngood to know I'm not the only one who suffers the same symptoms. I find it hard to even shower at times. My med change sent me straight to the er and I thought I was going to die. Since then, on more new meds things are more stable. I have so many questions about what a christian can and can't do. I feel like I can't even watch t.v. anymore. I find this walk with Christ to be such a hard one. I hear the Pastor saying what you can and can't do and it seems like you can't go to the movies or watch t.v. or even dress your kids in a scary costume. I'm so confused on so many levels. I'm glad you are feeling better. peace, tina

Tina,

The golden rule is don't listen to demand - God never wants things from us, apart of our love, freely given. Love Him for setting you free, by letting Him set you free, don't burden yourself with more burdens, God doesn't want anything from you dear sister, but that you would love God, yourself and other - focus on that and not on anything else and your heart will greet God and you in the morning with a song of joy.

(I don't watch TV either though, for it is crap, not God's, yours or mine fault, but mainly Hollywood's and the press - graphic lies, blended to death, so people swallow it easier, no mentally ill person or otherwise remains sane watching that.)

 

[FragileWinter]

This story is very inspirational. Thank you for sharing. I myself have gone through a very rocky week based on my own condition. It has touched me greatly.