Rejection

In the broadest meaning, I think the end of a relationship has to be one of the most painful things in life we face.

To be completely honest... Not really. Being in a painful relationship where the other person is trying to train you to be who they want you to be, rejecting every part of you, while you're desperately looking for that ounce of good to remind them of is by far the most emotionally painful thing I have ever gone through. Especially when you're stuck with him, over 2,000 miles away from home, and no hope of getting out of that "relationship".

oops. I meant for "relationship" to be that of all kinds of relationships. Losing one's mother to death, for example, would be a kind of ending relationship that would hurt.

Eliz, sounds like you've been through a lot.

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Elizabeth8393 said:

I have been single for the past 7.5 months, now. I understand that it really isn't that long compared to others here. But for me rejection doesn't just happen when a guy turns you away or won't talk to you. For me rejection is also a rejection of little parts of me that make me who I am. I am kind of more closed off than others. I'll tell you every secret I have in under a week, but I'm very guarded in who I allow into my heart. I have been in 4 relationships in just under a 2 year time period. And in each of those relationships I experienced a type of rejection that hurts to the core, a rejection of my true beauty. I was rejected for video games, for their mom's, their sisters, their other female friends, and even their own fleshly desires. My bold personality was rejected in the form of silence when I would try to bring that side of me out, even if it was just a glimmer. My tender heart was broken so many times by harsh names and words that were used against me, in their sick way of trying to get me to toughen up.


The way that I deal with rejection, now, is that I just don't let anyone in. I was outrageously hurt by a woman I thought was my closest friend, my best friend, the one I could turn to when I needed help when she was telling me of a plan that would put my life in danger in order to have justice served. After her I just closed myself off. I haven't cried since that happened. I haven't felt any warmth in my heart. In my response to dealing with rejection I have hidden my true heart, my inner beauty, away in walls upon walls of stone and iron. Will I give people the benefit of the doubt? Yes, will I let them, or any new one that comes along, in to see me? Never. Unless God gives him the ability to breech the many walls I have put up. Does me divulging anything about myself to you, freely, mean that I trust you enough to let you in? Not a chance. I don't care what people think or say to me anymore, it's not worth it.


So, there's my response.

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I don't think that anything stings as badly as being betrayed by a close friend. It is very difficult when romantic relationships end, but I think we all have the sense that they could end. A true friendship should last forever. I think the normal response to betrayal is to close yourself off or become more guarded. I'm sorry you went through all of that.

Everything I've been through has only strengthened my resolve to never completely trust someone again, unless the have given me reason to trust them, of I know for a fact that God has put in my life to trust.

I've been through hellfire more than once, but I count it all as gain for how it has helped me finally develop good boundaries and see who I am in Christ, even if I will be closed off until that right person comes along.

GQ Chris said:

Boy did I used to do that a lot in the past.^ Put women up on a pedestal which only resulted in me getting absolutely destroyed like how Sketcher described it, by just wanting to die.

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I did that with my friend until I saw she doesn't know what she wants, and involves me with her thoughts with too much depth. This was a few months back, but she lacks the tact sometimes (17, different culture, and so forth.. I get it), and so I was rather unhappy with how something was handled (never attach the prospect of a relationship to a percentage. She took advice and it wasn't good for somebody like me ).

So I took a week off from talking. Now it's fine, she is still debating, wondering if it's a good idea when she is older, but I have to tell myself she is young, and also a person. Therefore, she is fallible although nice to look at, sweet, and a great sister. As with everybody certain habits must be overlooked and if both don't then it won't work for long since when something happens then you get shocked that they're human.

I guess the best part is when somebody is in tune with you. They think about it as much as you do, and care about you as much as you do. Best place... Once that goes, then whatever glass pedestal you've placed should be reconsidered since then your heart might get blended.

CCHIPSS said:

I have visited plenty of Christian ladies' profile. Some stated that their faith is very important to them and they will only date Christian guys. However after I messaged them I have yet to receive a single response from these ladies (or very few responses that led to nowhere).

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I am still surprised on how hard it is. They do seem shallow, and the ones that wanted my attention seem nice but aren't Christian. I struck it with one that wouldn't consider befriending a non Christian guy and that was out of many many messages. I refuse to give online dating a shot again any time soon since it's very hard to find anybody who will chat with you on even a friend basis. Sometimes it's the practicality of you to them (ei if I owned a house they might give me a chance, and find out I'm decent), and other times it's just you can't connect since they get attention so they can pick n choose I guess.

CCHIPSS said:

It just seems to me that the ladies can be very loving toward you if they do care about you. I have a sister and female friends who cares about me.

However the ladies' love seems very focused on a few people. They don't understand how to love strangers and the general population. When a lady don't care about you, oh boy! They couldn't care less if you go and cry for the next 2 months. They will just kick you and sent you away to get you off their backs.

Others "pretend" to be nice and just ignore you. Or they are always busy with their other friends and work. If you ask them directly (and I had asked quite a few) they told me they were afraid of rejecting me and hurting me. Well that wasted a lot of my time!

Why can't the Christian ladies just come clean? Just tell me "Hey CCHIPSS it was nice knowing you. But I am not interested in a relationship with you. Can we just be friends?" =)

I have dated many woman and none has ever told me that. They either find some excuses to tell me what a loser I am. Or they just ignored me to waste my time. It is either hurt or ignore. Why can't the ladies be civil and clean?

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I have experienced that they can really care about you. I've have/had one good female friend and she is all my experience in that sense; but I am still amazed so I almost feel indebted to her since she really cares. I guess if you get along, are a great friend, like to see them dress modest (I've joked with her there is a problem if a guy isn't focusing on your face. It's nice when you can pull a joke like that with a friend ever once in a while), and treat them very well then they see you're worth focusing/care about.

I've had it twice where I've spoken to a girl for a month or so, and then they'll basically disappear. It would have been nice if they were just a bit less self centered, and a little more gentle. I don't need to be coddled, but just more gentle. But part of my brain is/has that girl's understanding in some ways, and so I'm more sensitive in some weird way.

It can be annoying when a girl is nice, but isn't direct enough, and I wish there was a more frank response past being busy... "Busy. She is busy. I hope she responds.. I'm a moron. Not interested is what it means!!". But once you gain an understanding normally it makes sense of how it works then it's easier to know.

But I've had it too where you chat for a week or two then poof!
However, I have a lot of respect for one girl who simply said more or less.
"Thanks for the nice message. But I think the distance (LA) and culture won't work well. But I wish you the best of luck and God bless."
Then I said I prayed for her, and that I hope she finds a nice guy which she replied with thanks.
I just wish they were like that more.. Call me stupid. But I pray for a few girls I've met since they were nice to me and I want to see them happy.

KandiJo said:

Oh man! I always responded to a Christian man, and never look at looks or money as a value to a person. I guess I can see how some would though, picky ladies! The thing about it though is that biblically we are only supposed to marry believers and I date to marry. So I want someone who is Christian, and together we can work our way towards God.

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For me I just want to ensure that there is the potential to be attracted. But not much past that. I agree with the date to marry, either I'll be a friend, or go for marriage since anything else seems to be a waste of time.

I had one girl I was speaking to for a few weeks, and I didn't even see a photo of her minus when I saw here years before which I barely recalled how she looked Turns out she was very attractive, but all I cared is I wasn't apposed to how she looked, and that if I saw her photo I'd just interested enough for it to work from there.

"Proverbs 31:30 (NIV)

30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
"
That's what echos in my head. Not that I want to settle, but that the personality defines the person the most. How they spend money, how they keep their house, and etc all stems from it. Might have everything else, but if he/she doesn't have a good personality then it doesn't matter.

Elizabeth8393 said:

Everything I've been through has only strengthened my resolve to never completely trust someone again, unless the have given me reason to trust them, of I know for a fact that God has put in my life to trust.

I've been through hellfire more than once, but I count it all as gain for how it has helped me finally develop good boundaries and see who I am in Christ, even if I will be closed off until that right person comes along.

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1) I have less reason to trust people than you.
2) This isn't a good boundary either. If you're closed off until Mr. Right enters your life, you won't likely be open and ready for him.

Oh really? Please enlighten me on how you have less reason to trust than I when every friend I've had has either lied to me or used me, was lied to and betrayed by my former boyfriends, and have been rejected from young adult bible study groups.

And as far as the boundaries go... they are there until the guy has proven that he is trustworthy. I'll tell you anything you want to hear, but does that mean I'm letting you in? Not a chance. Knowing me and knowing about me are completely different things.

Forgive me, Sketcher. I've been through a lot this past year and I still have a lot confusion and hurt that weighs heavy on my mind and heart.

I've had boundaries just like that for years. They got me nowhere, they did not advance me in any way, they prevented me from growing, they kept me out of relationships. The only positive I can recount from having them is it kept me away from some girls who weren't right for me, or at least at the time, for anybody. As for the rest, I'll PM you on the details.

Sounds like a plan.

KandiJo said:

I actually tried my hand at online dating

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I also tried online dating services (Tinder, OKC, https://kovla.com/) I have no results...(( It's a lottery...

Rejection is part of the game. Every man must take his lumps.

Elizabeth8393 said:

I have been single for the past 7.5 months, now. I understand that it really isn't that long compared to others here. But for me rejection doesn't just happen when a guy turns you away or won't talk to you. For me rejection is also a rejection of little parts of me that make me who I am. I am kind of more closed off than others. I'll tell you every secret I have in under a week, but I'm very guarded in who I allow into my heart. I have been in 4 relationships in just under a 2 year time period. And in each of those relationships I experienced a type of rejection that hurts to the core, a rejection of my true beauty. I was rejected for video games, for their mom's, their sisters, their other female friends, and even their own fleshly desires. My bold personality was rejected in the form of silence when I would try to bring that side of me out, even if it was just a glimmer. My tender heart was broken so many times by harsh names and words that were used against me, in their sick way of trying to get me to toughen up.


The way that I deal with rejection, now, is that I just don't let anyone in. I was outrageously hurt by a woman I thought was my closest friend, my best friend, the one I could turn to when I needed help when she was telling me of a plan that would put my life in danger in order to have justice served. After her I just closed myself off. I haven't cried since that happened. I haven't felt any warmth in my heart. In my response to dealing with rejection I have hidden my true heart, my inner beauty, away in walls upon walls of stone and iron. Will I give people the benefit of the doubt? Yes, will I let them, or any new one that comes along, in to see me? Never. Unless God gives him the ability to breech the many walls I have put up. Does me divulging anything about myself to you, freely, mean that I trust you enough to let you in? Not a chance. I don't care what people think or say to me anymore, it's not worth it.


So, there's my response.

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I am not giving up on finding my wife. Not even close (for now, at least). But I agree that it does suck when your BF/GF rejects the essence/core of you. I will say that is their problem, not yours.

I understand why you choose to close off. I believe we all have to be careful. I had talked to many people who, when they were younger, open themselves up totally. Puppy love only leads to pain.

That said when you talk to people you have to be friendly. You have to show them that you are interested. If you appeared closed off you will not get their attention.

"Close off" about your secrets is good. But be open to talk about non-secret things. Be friendly to them.

I also want to talk about another related topic: Our deepest darkest secrets.

When I was dating my ex I told her too many secrets of mine. Some are so deep and dark that not even my family knows about. I believe that is one of the reasons for our break up.

Before anyone goes crazy, no they are nothing criminal. They are just things in my head that are deep and dark. And tbh I think we all have them, our deepest and darkest secrets and thoughts.

I have decided that in my next relationship I will not share those thoughts any more. There is no benefit at all. My next GF will not need to know any of that, since it doesn't affect her at all.

I guess what I am trying to say is you cannot expect people to accept every single part of you. I know this sounds very sad but this is reality. Jesus accepts all of you, past present and future. But other people might not be able to.

Somethings are just better off hidden forever, unless it directly affects the relationship.

For example if you have STDs, yes you must tell your GF/BF. Because that directly affects them. If at one point you explored homosexuality, yes you must tell your GF/BF. Because that might affect the relationship in the future.

On the other hand if you at one point were really racist (no I am not a racist), your GF/BF do not need to know that. Because that was all in the past and it will not affect him/her today. Of course if you are a serious racist today, you better tell your GF/BF.

When my love gets rejected I just give that love I had to God and ask Him to turn it into His love. That's what I learned from Corrie ten Boom when the guy she talked with about marrying suddenly stood at her door to show her his fiancee who was of a richer family.

Blind post - just read the op

TX_Matt said:

What are your experiences with rejection, any positive or negative experiences? Have your views changed, like mine? Discuss.

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In the job hunting sense: I was unemployed for several years in which I actively applied for jobs, interviewed for jobs, and so forth. Sometimes I would get several rejection letters at a time. It wasn't as hard for the jobs that I wasn't entirely sure I wanted, but the ones that seemed really good it was harder sometimes; but overal all the rejection letters and phone calls didn't stop me from keeping on trying and doing my best to get a job. I knew that someday in God's timing I would get a job if that's what he wanted, and I was doing my job of trying and never giving up.

I think that experience made it overall easier to not be phased by that kinda rejection. I wonder if when I do start actively job hunting again if I will still take it as well. I think they key is trusting in God fully, that if we get a rejection it's okay. God is in control and he has a plan.

I don't really date much - but this would apply to any rejection in life. God cares about us, and he does have a good plan and his own timing - much better than what we can plan on our own.

I was really hurt before when a guy rejected me, but as years gone by I realized it was God's way of protecting me from that guy and now Im very grateful to God. Rejection still hurts us at first but there is a reason we aren't meant to be with that person or at least at the time.

Messy said:

When my love gets rejected I just give that love I had to God and ask Him to turn it into His love. That's what I learned from Corrie ten Boom when the guy she talked with about marrying suddenly stood at her door to show her his fiancee who was of a richer family.

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I will try that next time. That is very beautiful way of handling those hard situations.

Sketcher said:

I recently got rejected, and I didn't think it would hit me this hard. I haven't felt this bad in many years. I caught myself wanting to die a few days ago - not kill myself, but die. I hadn't felt that bad since I was a teenager.

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aw I felt that way too before, the last time I was rejected was the first and last time I told a guy I liked him, but there IS someone better for you. I thought I would never get over it but I did. And now Im so happy I wasn't with that guy

Neve said:

Sometimes rejection can be a blessing in disguise because it makes you embrace what you actually have. Getting rejected by a "crush" can be a blessing because the crush is just a fantasy, it's not reality. Rejection can make you feel grateful for the people you have in your life.

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amen (points to my signature; lyrics to Laura story's song blessings)