Regrets

[Gentle Lamb]

I am facing a lot of regret having moved with my sister. I moved with her because I considered how unhappy she was living in my parents house, I considered how it would be better for me to live with another person given my disability/health issues, and I also considered the costs of living could be better with us living together. Unfortunately, since we've moved, she's placed so many burdens on my shoulders. I am the one who runs most of the errands, being the only driver. She was taking advantage of me and using me to get me to take her wherever she needed to go to run errands and then would not respect my time at all until I put my foot down and put a stop to it, realizing sadly that she was taking advantage of me. She is extremely messy and then gets upset with me when I ask her to clean up after herself. Unfortunately I am the one who ends up doing most of the cooking and cleaning in the house and a lot of what I am cleaning up is her mess. For example, I could clean the bathroom and then she will come right behind me and make a mess all over again so it's dirty again. If she cooks or cleans she likes to hold it over my head if I ask her to do anything else. She has gotten really nasty with me when I've asked her to clean up after herself. She makes promises that she will clean and then she doesn't do it. Meanwhile I am doing most of the work. I am really unhappy and regretful. Living with her is taking a negative toll on me because I'm doing more than double the work of trying to keep the house clean because she refuses to clean up in a timely manner. Dirty pots and pans line the stove. If one thing is dirty she grabs another to use, and another, and another. There are practically always dirty pots, pans and dishes piled up in the sink. Actually, she leaves them around the stove and counter, and then at the end of the day, I have to put things in the sink and tidy up the house that she has dirtied and messed up all day long. I didn't realize she was going to treat me this way and take advantage of me the way that she is doing. I'm trying my best to get out but it takes a lot of money to move and now I don't really have the funds I need having already moved with her Not sure how else to address these issues, I've brought them up to talk to her many times.

 

[Tolworth John]

Not sure how else to address these issues

Could you move back in with your parents?

Wait untill the kitchen is full of used pots, plates ets and tell your sister, " You used them, you clean them. "
ditto bathroom etc.

It is a case of getting her to agree to basic house rules, which means being tough, that or you charge her. If I'm ding the house work, you pay all the rent, bills etc.

 

[Cute Peonies]

Sending hugs to you! It's going to be hard to convince her to change her habits. Start saving money and move out as soon as you can.

 

[disciple Clint]

I am facing a lot of regret having moved with my sister. I moved with her because I considered how unhappy she was living in my parents house, I considered how it would be better for me to live with another person given my disability/health issues, and I also considered the costs of living could be better with us living together. Unfortunately, since we've moved, she's placed so many burdens on my shoulders. I am the one who runs most of the errands, being the only driver. She was taking advantage of me and using me to get me to take her wherever she needed to go to run errands and then would not respect my time at all until I put my foot down and put a stop to it, realizing sadly that she was taking advantage of me. She is extremely messy and then gets upset with me when I ask her to clean up after herself. Unfortunately I am the one who ends up doing most of the cooking and cleaning in the house and a lot of what I am cleaning up is her mess. For example, I could clean the bathroom and then she will come right behind me and make a mess all over again so it's dirty again. If she cooks or cleans she likes to hold it over my head if I ask her to do anything else. She has gotten really nasty with me when I've asked her to clean up after herself. She makes promises that she will clean and then she doesn't do it. Meanwhile I am doing most of the work. I am really unhappy and regretful. Living with her is taking a negative toll on me because I'm doing more than double the work of trying to keep the house clean because she refuses to clean up in a timely manner. Dirty pots and pans line the stove. If one thing is dirty she grabs another to use, and another, and another. There are practically always dirty pots, pans and dishes piled up in the sink. Actually, she leaves them around the stove and counter, and then at the end of the day, I have to put things in the sink and tidy up the house that she has dirtied and messed up all day long. I didn't realize she was going to treat me this way and take advantage of me the way that she is doing. I'm trying my best to get out but it takes a lot of money to move and now I don't really have the funds I need having already moved with her Not sure how else to address these issues, I've brought them up to talk to her many times.

sounds like it is time to make a list of the things that need to be done every day and make a schedule. one week she is responsible for certain things on the list and you are responsible for others then next week you switch assignments. If that fails, well you know what has to happen then.

 

[bèlla]

What was she like while living at home? What was her character? Was she supportive and responsible? How did she treat them and you?

Siblings aren’t parents. The restraints they exhibit may be absent with you. It’s a different measure of love and respect. Agreement is contingent on her willingness to work with you.

Did you consult the Lord? Are you on the same page spiritually? Your reasons for moving seem practical. But they must be seen in light of her person and the relationship beforehand. If mutual respect wasn’t a hallmark of the bond its unlikely to develop in a different setting.

 

[tturt]

Is your name on the contract?

 

[mama2one]

was she like this at your parent's house?
did they let your sister get away with things?

 

[Gentle Lamb]

Could you move back in with your parents?

Wait untill the kitchen is full of used pots, plates ets and tell your sister, " You used them, you clean them. "
ditto bathroom etc.

It is a case of getting her to agree to basic house rules, which means being tough, that or you charge her. If I'm ding the house work, you pay all the rent, bills etc.

I've REALLY thought about that, and that's saying a lot given the abusive parenting. The physical environment is difficult for me to navigate at their house which makes it hard for me as well as the abuse... don't want to go back to that abuse. I've talked to her so many times about keeping the house clean and doing her dishes, it's really frustrating. She's older than me so I get less respect in general. She will make a promise/agreement but then doesn't stick to it. So I'm trying to keep the peace while prayerfully trying to move out.

Sending hugs to you! It's going to be hard to convince her to change her habits. Start saving money and move out as soon as you can.

Thank you so much, I appreciate you!! Yes it is hard for better habits to develop. There has been a little progress but it's incremental and I'm frustrated with always having to be the more responsible one.

sounds like it is time to make a list of the things that need to be done every day and make a schedule. one week she is responsible for certain things on the list and you are responsible for others then next week you switch assignments. If that fails, well you know what has to happen then.

Tried a list for one thing and it didn't really work, so I gave up on it. But I leave her to do her own stuff... It's just hard to see the place so dirty

What was she like while living at home? What was her character? Was she supportive and responsible? How did she treat them and you?

Siblings aren’t parents. The restraints they exhibit may be absent with you. It’s a different measure of love and respect. Agreement is contingent on her willingness to work with you.

Did you consult the Lord? Are you on the same page spiritually? Your reasons for moving seem practical. But they must be seen in light of her person and the relationship beforehand. If mutual respect wasn’t a hallmark of the bond its unlikely to develop in a different setting.

You're right and I was concerned how she might be without our parents around but actually my concerns are mainly not an issue in the way I was concerned about. It's an entirely different issue with the dirtiness. She was always with a messy room but to see the whole place starting to look like her room is ridiculous. I pray about my frustrations, right now it seems like the Lord would have me to wait and be patient. She was more concerned with my well being before. The level of carelessness and downright meanness she's shown me since we moved has made me lose respect for her. One day, I didn't go to work, not feeling well. She went out and was on her way back home fairly late. She called me/texted me being very nasty asking me to pick her up. I declined, and I was hurt. She was sooooo mad at me after she got home because it was raining that night so she walked in the rain. Why she didn't call Uber or check the weather before leaving is beyond me. Maybe she is trying to fill in the abusive role my parents used to play in my life? She's not saved... I try to be very firm with my boundaries with her now, having realized she was violating them My being more firm with my boundaries helps but this is still hard. It seems like I'm being tested in the area of keeping my boundaries but I'm surprised at where the test is coming from!!!!

Is your name on the contract?

Yes

was she like this at your parent's house?
did they let your sister get away with things?


I have 2 unmarried sisters
one is in another state & says she wants to move in with sister when she returns

however, sister said to another sibling "no way do I want to live with her"
"if I want to leave my stuff hanging around, don't want to be bossed around by sibling to pick stuff up"
she's on messy side like your sibling & is ok with being messy!"

I cannot even leave my stuff on my own couch and find it there unbothered when I come home. It's so frustrating. I don't mind if she keeps her own couch messy (though I would tidy it up for her just out of natural instinct), but to see what she does to the things I bought with my own money!!! It's frustrating and I wouldn't have gone through this process with her if I'd known I wouldn't be able to leave my stuff around. I've tried to address things countless times, to only see incremental progress. It's frustrating and I'm now just trying to keep my peace.

 

[Tolworth John]

he will make a promise/agreement but then doesn't stick to it.

If you are doing the work, let her pay the rent.

Don't ask her to change ingrained habits, tell her she is paying all the rent, you will do the house work.
That way you get to save money towards a new place of your own, she gets a clean house and gets used to paying all the rent.
Lifts, well you are buisy cleaning, so unless it is an urgent medical matter sorry no can do, you are far too buisy or far to tired.

 

[Gentle Lamb]

If you are doing the work, let her pay the rent.

Don't ask her to change ingrained habits, tell her she is paying all the rent, you will do the house work.
That way you get to save money towards a new place of your own, she gets a clean house and gets used to paying all the rent.
Lifts, well you are buisy cleaning, so unless it is an urgent medical matter sorry no can do, you are far too buisy or far to tired.

I've definitely stopped giving her lifts at inconveniences to me. I know she would be angry with me if I suggested she pay more rent since I do more cleaning and I try to avoid her anger. We definitely had some agreements in place before moving about her cleaning up after herself. But I've realized she just says what she needs to to get what she wants. It's very immature childish behavior and I am not her mom. My mom rejected her parenting role and would act like my sister is my child and my responsibility to take care of, so maybe that's why she treats me like crap now that we're not living at home any more.

 

[tturt]

Just sharing with you- Gentle Lamb -These verses are impacting me currently Philippians 4.4- 9. So I'm reading and saying them several times a day wherever I am. Making it personal such as ...guard my heart and mind through Christ Jesus.

Asking for God's peace for you.

 

[Gentle Lamb]

Amen, thank you. I have to keep my focus on God.

 

[Joined2krist]

Pray for her salvation

 

[Gentle Lamb]

Pray for her salvation

I do...