regrets

[If Not For Grace]

can regrets have a positive effect on motivating you for change? Or Are regrets always bad?

JMO: If you had an experience that netted a postivie change in your life-I would
not label that a regret.

A regret is something you did/or had part in that you wish
you NEVER did. (In my case something I usually did that I knew was wrong or negative when I did it, and I did it anyway, even when I knew better). This indicates not only that I did wrong, but ignored the opportunity that I WAS given and was conscious of to have done it differently. So fore me regret always
involves a "rebellious" spirit-which mistakes do not. JMHO

So for your OP: REGRETS are always a negative.

 

[dallasapple]

JMO: If you had an experience that netted a postivie change in your life-I would
not label that a regret.

A regret is something you did/or had part in that you wish
you NEVER did. (In my case something I usually did that I knew was wrong or negative when I did it, and I did it anyway, even when I knew better). This indicates not only that I did wrong, but ignored the opportunity that I WAS given and was conscious of to have done it differently. So fore me regret always
involves a "rebellious" spirit-which mistakes do not. JMHO

So for your OP: REGRETS are always a negative.

O.K ..but I think what you are saying is the "things" you regret are always negative..but is it NEGATIVE to REGRET those things you did that were wrong?

Is REGERTTING things you did wrong a negative thing to do?Is "regret" negative?

Dallas

 

[Romanseight2005]

If I learn from my mistake, that doesn't make the mistake itself, good. I only learned from it, because I don't want to repeat it. Let's say I got drunk one night. I got in my car, and ran someone over. Could that cause me to come to my senses and never drink alcohol again? Sure it could, but would that learning come with any regrets? If it doesn't, then I must have a really hard heart.

 

[FaithPrevails]

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[FaithPrevails]

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[dallasapple]

I think the point is without the REGRET you wont do anything to change it ..or make some good out of it..

What you regret the thing you did is negative..the regret iself regretting that thing you did is NOT a 'negative"...

Also Romans..could you clarify?Are you suggestign someone wallows in regret and does NOTHING but feel the regret and take no action whatsoever?I havent heard you suggest that but it seems some people here keep wanting to poin out thats not healthy and i think its being covered that ISNT what you are talkign about.

Or is it?Are you talkign about wallowing in regret and doing nothing to try and repent or make productive out of the regret you feel?

Oh and I agree ..if you dont have any regret over something you have done obviously wrong.. you would be a cold hearted person.in fact i think thats called a sociopath..

Dallas

 

[Romanseight2005]

I don't understand why having a regret is somehow translating into letting that regret take over your life. I am not talking about dwelling on something you are sorry about, or letting it be the focus of your life. You can certainly be happy, peaceful, and energetic, while still having a regret about something. We aren't one dimensional beings who are only capable of one feeling about something, nor are we ruled by a single thought about something from the past, you know?

 

[Romanseight2005]

I think the point is without the REGRET you wont do anything to change it ..or make some good out of it..

What you regret the thing you did is negative..the regret iself regretting that thing you did is NOT a 'negative"...

Also Romans..could you clarify?Are you suggestign someone wallows in regret and does NOTHING but feel the regret and take no action whatsoever?I havent heard you suggest that but it seems some people here keep wanting to poin out thats not healthy and i think its being covered that ISNT what you are talkign about.

Or is it?Are you talkign about wallowing in regret and doing nothing to try and repent or make productive out of the regret you feel?

Oh and I agree ..if you dont have any regret over something you have done obviously wrong.. you would be a cold hearted person.in fact i think thats called a sociopath..

Dallas

The bold part is what I was getting at. When we are forgiven, we are set free, and we have peace, but that doesn't mean that if that certain thing was brought up, we would be happy about it, you know?

Btw, I am thinking about situations where we wronged someone else. I am not speaking of regret about personal suffering. That could be looked at as something God used for good, if we can now see the good that came of it, but when we caused someone else to suffer, any change we make for the better, is a good thing, but doesn't make the thing we did to cause suffering for another, somehow good, or acceptable.

 

[Romanseight2005]

Dictionary.com :

re·gret

   /rɪˈgrɛt/ Show Spelled [ri-gret] Show IPA verb, -gret·ted, -gret·ting, noun
–verb (used with object) 1. to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc.): He no sooner spoke than he regretted it.

2. to think of with a sense of loss: to regret one's vanished youth.

I am reposting this to make sure we are clear here. There seems to be a lumping together of terms that aren't the same, and can't grammatically get lumped together. The definitions above state what regret means. Now, if you want to make regretting saying something into wallowing in despair for the rest of your life, then you have made a huge jump. I have no problem with disagreements about whether or not you think regret is good or bad, that's why I started the thread, afterall. What I am confused by, is the need to add things to the definition that simply aren't there.

1. Regret doesn't need to be everlasting
2. It isn't obsessing
3. It has nothing at all to do with self forgiveness.
4. It isn't necessarily doing something you knew was wrong at the time, in fact, quite often, you didn't know.
By the definitions that are accepted in dictionaries, adding unforgiveness, obsession, or rebellion, to the definitions simply are adding terms. So, if one can't forgive himself/herself. can't stop obsessing over it, or spends the rest of his/her life in misery due to it, then I agree with all of you, that is not good. However, those things are simply not what regret means.

 

[dallasapple]

I don't understand why having a regret is somehow translating into letting that regret take over your life. I am not talking about dwelling on something you are sorry about, or letting it be the focus of your life. You can certainly be happy, peaceful, and energetic, while still having a regret about something. We aren't one dimensional beings who are only capable of one feeling about something, nor are we ruled by a single thought about something from the past, you know?

Exactly and I though that wa an obvious after at least 2 or 3 people pointing out its not a good thing to wallow or dwell on a)regret or regrets and thats your entire life..

And I agree though..even if you make the best of it..or come to peace with it.including repent...these things we regret will never NOT be a regret..or at least I would HOPE not..when you are talkign about injuring/harming another human beign I cant see saying..."well I DID used to regret running over that person ..but if I had NEVER run over them..then I could have never been active in MADD" and be a fighter against drunk driving.

No...you would or SHOULD regret running over that person for the REST of your life..not dwell ..not wallow..but regret ..


Dallas

 

[Created2Write]

I agree with Faith.

As a much less extreme example, my husband(before he dated me) went out with a girl he knew in HS. She'd been involved in the party scene, but had "given it up", she said. Three months into their relationship she started smoking pot a lot, drinking under age, hanging out with people who were not good influences, stopped going church, and their relationship ended with him catching her cheating on him sexually. After their relationship she stalked him for over a year, and actually tried to have him killed. (Not even kidding.)

Now, he would look back on that situation and say, "That was a terrible mistake. I never should have dated her." I look at that situation and say, "No, you probably shouldn't have. BUT, because you did, you're the man I am in love with today." Course, he thinks he would be an even better person if he hadn't have dated her. I'm not so sure. And since we can never know, there's no real reason to dwell on it.

Another personal example, would be myself. I dated a few jerks, all cheaters, but I don't wish I could go back and change it. I really don't. Yes, it was painful. I made certain choices when I knew better, and shouldn't have made them. But I also learned very valuable lessons. DH says, "But with the lessons came some baggage as well, baggage that has made our marriage pretty rocky at times, just like my own baggage". To that I say, yes. There has been baggage. But we have managed to overcome that baggage. Our marriage wouldn't be as strong as it is today if we hadn't have had that baggage to overcome.

I can honestly say I have very few regrets. And the regrets I do have weren't even because of my own choices, they were my parent's choices that effected me in a way I'm still dealing with today.

 

[dallasapple]

The point is no one is saying to "dwell" I think thats been said what? 1/2 dozen times now?

But also C2W the example you gave with Jason datign a girl and it turned out bad..wasnt him making a CONSCIOUS decision to do soemthign WRONG..that was an unfortunate life event..and sure maybe not even something to regret..

I think what Romans is talkign about and has been pointed out is if you do soemthign WRONG..not merely make a mistake...or make poor choices that arent clearly right or wrong just choices that turn out to not be good for you ..

Your husband wasnt doign anything WRONG when he decided to date his ex-girlfriend..he wasnt choosign to do something that he KNEW would hurt someone or even himself..

Dallas

 

[Created2Write]

Granted, it wasn't a right or wrong choice. I think the point still applies though. And even in a right or wrong situation, while I believe we should feel convicted over the wrong choice we made(because conviction leads to repentance), I don't think we should regret what happened. Yeah, it was a bad choice. Yeah, we feel bad about it. Yeah, the consequences hurt. But we learned something from it, hopefully. And those mistakes, those lessons, mold us into the person we are. Yes, when we sin we should feel conviction. We should repent. But, once we repent and ask forgiveness, the sin is washed away, the Bible tells us. While the consequences may remain, the sin itself is gone. So there's nothing to regret in the spiritual sense. And, at that point, imo, it's pointless to regret what happened. It can't be changed. The only way to make things as right as we can, is to learn from the mistake and move on.

I'm not talking about wallowing in it, either. Even momentary times of regret can lead us stray, imo.

 

[mkgal1]

No amount of guilt (that's what you're really suggesting here, IMO - not regret) would change the fact that you took another person's life. So, how would not forgiving yourself (refusing to let go of the regret) make you a better person?

BTW - your last statement comes across as kind of passive-aggressive...as if to suggest that anyone who disagrees with you is cold-hearted. Just because you see it the way you do doesn't make you right and passing that kind of judgment on others isn't going to change their minds if they don't agree with your POV.

I think Romans is using the same definition of regret as you are.....that it's ...A feeling of sadness, repentance, or disappointment over something that has happened or been done. That doesn't mean that a person isn't forgiving themself....or refusing to let go of the regret, as if it's incapacitating them. I think she only means that......when a thought comes up here and there, about what happened......when reflecting on it.....it's still a sad memory....a disappointment that it happened...as it cannot be undone (I think that's what she meant.) Sure....you can do what you can to make the best of it.....learn from it (that is what repentance IS....changing directions...)but, that doesn't bring the person back to life....that doesn't make the time go away (which is something our parents generation seemed to do.....keep those family secrets that no one speaks of). Not speaking of things doesn't make them go away, as if they never happened. Remembering what happened isn't the same thing as dwelling....or wallowing, either.

 

[FaithPrevails]

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[FaithPrevails]

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[mkgal1]

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[dallasapple]

That's fine. Call it whatever you wish (you are free to do that).....live with the beliefs you wish....you are also free to do that.

Just to clarify, though.....Romans said nothing about "making one a better person"....she had said, "Could that cause me to come to my senses and never drink alcohol again? Sure it could, but would that learning come with any regrets (meaning sadness....disappointment, as you defined regret)? If it doesn't, then I must have a really hard heart." In the context of what she was speaking of (a lost life)....I would expect most people to experience some amount of sadness or disappointment at the thought of a person losing their life because of a decision or behavior that was of my doing. I believe that is what Romans was saying.....not that one shouldn't forgive themself or learn from those things. (Correct me if I am off-base, please....Romans).

Thats exaclty how I saw her saying it..just because you can learn something from it..doesnt mean its not a regret ..and I saw exaclty what she meant by if you didnt regret it you would have to have a hard heart..that you had no regrets because you learned from it would be a selfish and self centered and hardened way to see other peoples suffering that you your self caused.

That is a completely 'non' humble way to see what your actions have caused.No humility.


Dallas

 

[Romanseight2005]

Granted, it wasn't a right or wrong choice. I think the point still applies though. And even in a right or wrong situation, while I believe we should feel convicted over the wrong choice we made(because conviction leads to repentance), I don't think we should regret what happened. Yeah, it was a bad choice. Yeah, we feel bad about it. Yeah, the consequences hurt. But we learned something from it, hopefully. And those mistakes, those lessons, mold us into the person we are. Yes, when we sin we should feel conviction. We should repent. But, once we repent and ask forgiveness, the sin is washed away, the Bible tells us. While the consequences may remain, the sin itself is gone. So there's nothing to regret in the spiritual sense. And, at that point, imo, it's pointless to regret what happened. It can't be changed. The only way to make things as right as we can, is to learn from the mistake and move on.

I'm not talking about wallowing in it, either. Even momentary times of regret can lead us stray, imo.

But no one is saying that we should regret everything we have ever done that wasn't perfect, for the rest of our lives. The point is that some things do fall into that category. Maybe you guys haven't done anything that falls into that category, but harming people was what was brought up as being the primary thing that could cause regret for any length of time, when it was brought up, momentarily. Any other thing, might be able to be looked at differently.

I agree that if nothing can be done about something from the past, it doesn't need to be dwelled upon, or thought about at all. However, if it was brought up by someone, even if you hadn't thought about it for a long time, you would likely feel regret about it.

Again, it's fine if don't agree, but let's make sure we are clear on what we are talking about.

 

[Atticus306]

There are no choices. Nothing but a straight line. The illusion comes afterwards, when you ask "Why me?" and "What if?". When you look back and see the branches, like a pruned bonsai tree, or forked lightning. If you had done something differently, it wouldn't be you, it would be someone else looking back, asking a different set of questions.