Haha. I'm not capable.
In all seriousness, if I had the will power to do so, my fear is she wouldn't notice or care. And as I said previously, I wouldn't wish that feeling of rejection on anyone.
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Haha. I'm not capable.2 to 4 times a month is good i would say.
Maybe you should turn her down next time she wants sex. Let her see how it feels. Maybe no sex for a month or so.
naw that is silly. He could be tempted to infidelity. He is already frustrated. Could easily turn to pornography if not already. If they both are enjoying it then it sounds like a control issue or something.I would not advise demanding sex on Biblical grounds, as coercing a woman into sex she is not enthusiastic about will naturally create an aversion to sex which will only compound your problem.
Better honey than vinegar.....
The thing is, many times she'll try to kill me with it for a particular week of the month. But even then, that's the only week she wants it. I really think it's physical. Three weeks is a long time to wait.
He did not say he wanted to reject her. His only solution he can think of is to diminish his drive so that he doesn't want it as often as he does now, with the hope that their drives might even out.???
Which is it? It seems that you're angry with her either way. It almost seems like you're wanting to curb your drive so you can tell HER...."no, thank you" as a sort of pay-back.
It seems like you're resentful in being available for her. Are there times you're begrudgingly agreeing.....or just resentful that she never has to "go without"? One way or another......that resentment needs to be kicked to the curb.
My husband and I adopted (years ago) the policy of mutual agreement across the board for all our decisions. Instead of coercing and convincing the other--IOW manipulating each other---our decisions are based on BOTH of us being on board (and that includes sex). I never want him to do *anything* begrudgingly.....but especially not sex (which is supposed to be an expression of mutual love....not guilt....not coercion....not merely compliance).
No....I don't believe she's thinking only of her self if she's not interested (she's just being true to her own desires).
It sounds to me that she's just sincere with her expression. I'd be willing to say that if she were merely complying a lot of the time you'd be complaining about her lack of "enthusiasm" (because I've read many posts like that over the years).
We couldn't talk about it either. She was just 100% frigid which she admitted. I was never ever demanding. I never asked her for sex. 10 years of frustration, no physical contact. Nothing.
I agree. Thing is, the lady I had an affair with was 100% totally different to my wife! She 100% loved sex.
When one has had no relations with your wife for so many years and you then sin and realise what you have been missing, it can be very very difficult to get off that sinful road.
My advice to the OP is try really hard to get this sorted NOW. Don't let it fester like it did for me and then lead to betrayal.
I agree. Thing is, the lady I had an affair with was 100% totally different to my wife! She 100% loved sex.
When one has had no relations with your wife for so many years and you then sin and realise what you have been missing, it can be very very difficult to get off that sinful road.
My advice to the OP is try really hard to get this sorted NOW. Don't let it fester like it did for me and then lead to betrayal.
You are the first one who seems to get everything I've said. You are spot on with every word. Thank you.He did not say he wanted to reject her. His only solution he can think of is to diminish his drive so that he doesn't want it as often as he does now, with the hope that their drives might even out.
On the other hand, if she sells herbs, and likes sex, then why not use herbs that might increase her drive? For some women that might be an option, but part of the problem here is she has expressed her thought that he is a pervert for even asking, and doesn't seem open to much conversation on the subject. That is a bigger problem than just the lack of sex. She is refusing to discuss an issue that is quite important to him, and is actually labeling him as a pervert for having desires for his wife. That is not a normal response. So it sounds like part of the resentment is that she views his drive as wrong But then she also mocks his suggestion to limit this drive, which she appears to think is wrong.
As to mutual agreement, you should never have sex outside of consent.
On the other hand, you can sometimes work up to desire. There have been times when my wife wanted to have sex but I did not really feel like it. However, I agreed since she was interested and before long my mind came around to enjoying it as well.
It was still my consent to do so, and I did so to try to help meet her need, rather than just reject her. Now there are also, rarely, times when I simply declined. Both are valid options, but it can in fact be loving to try when you are not initially feeling like it. It is still consent and still loving. She has also at times tried to work up to it, and other times declined.
While some view this as manipulation, or force, etc. it is not from our perspective. We can voluntarily opt to try to help the other person so that it is not just the one person's drive that is the deciding factor.
To say that since her drive is less she must always be the deciding factor is missing the element of both parties trying to meet the needs of each other, which is what Paul addressed in I Corinthians. That does not mean she should consent every time he asks either. And I agree with the poster who stated that insisting on sex based on the Bible passage could hurt more than help in the relationship.
In any case, he doesn't seem to be saying she should have sex whenever he wants it. He seems to be desiring some middle ground, even if that requires a supplement on his part to try and meet the needs of both.
It is odd that she mocks him for this. I can see her declining the option thinking it is not the best solution. But to mock him shows a total lack of care for his struggle in the matter. This is not a small matter to him if he is regularly experiencing temptation, and implied he is at times possibly turning to porn (he will have to clarify if that is inaccurate). Porn could do a lot of harm to the marriage in the long run, and to his view of sex, and is, according to Christ, adultery, as he is looking at a woman to lust after her. Now none of this excuses porn usage if it is happening. It is still a choice. However, it should be a clue to her that this is a real problem for him, and he is struggling with temptation. And if her reaction to his drive is to belittle him as a pervert, and to mock him when he discusses lowering it, neither is a response that really shows she is concerned about his difficulty in the matter. I can see how that would tend to evoke resentment.
Now where we agree is that resentment is not going to help either way. And he will have to forgive and rely on Christ to overcome this and to overcome desires for porn or other improper thoughts.
However, we can still have some empathy for how this resentment might come about in a situation in which his wife, at least according to his account, is improperly calling his sexual desire perversion, and not taking seriously his struggle with it.
Valid point, all of it.Jeff, I was thinking about your situation last night and realized the following:
Most married and busy women have a very low drive for sexual release compared to men. Their drive is more to connect hearts than to experience release. Possibly the majority of married, busy women would actually "need" sex about once every two months.
The realities of life are more compelling than most women's sex drives. What persuades women to desire sex more often is an affectionate warm up and a romantic pursuit by their husband.
As you are not initiating anything and any initiation is left up to her, with your 2x per month frequency, it is quite likely that three out of four times she initiates, she is initiating because she loves you and knows you would like it, but not for her own needs.
I'm quite certain the average marriage would have sex FAR less often than you are having it if the husband refused to ever initiate to the point of even being passive aggressive as you were the time she whispered a hint to your ear and you left it all up to her, going to bed to just wait expectantly for her to come too. Honestly, what were you thinking?!!
It is quite likely that your bitter thoughts about rejection do not actually reflect the reality of how she feels about you, so your thoughts are spiraling in that regard where she had no desire to express to you what you have assumed based on her lack of interest on a particular occasion.
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