Recovery****MAY TRIGGER****

[blessedmomof5]

Is there really such a thing? with living with ana for almost 16 yrs on and off, i feel like it is a part of me. it will always be, i have lost my hair, my eyes are horrible, heart is damaged, the list can go on.....but yet, i feel like it is a big part of my life, that i could never give up, live with yes accpet yes, deal with on some level yes, even mantain a semi healthy weight , what i think would be.......but it is who i am...Hi i am denise and i have ana. like there is a sign on the top of my head. i love the gym, i get obsessed. but it clears my head, the meds they have me on now make me foggy, i am slowly coming of them, praying the depression does not come back.......will tell the dr on tues my plans. dizzy all the time i am sure i am ortho....but noone to check to see, i know my blood pressure is low, but why all the dizzyness, and 2 of the meds can make you ortho.....so i am going to stop them...well just a rant. ahhhhhhhh
tried on my pants from 5 weeks ago and they do not fit..... why did i do that?

EDIT big BLUNDER not 16 yrs its 26 YRS..wow what a big mistake that was....

 

[bumblebee62331]

I believe recovery is a life-time dedication to controlling your urges and thoughts. You are never ana overnight and you are never 'cured' overnight either. Anorexia is a huge thing that doesn't come and go like a cold or toothache. That's why recovery is so hard - because it's not just fixing something physically, it's fixing something mentally, which is probably more difficult than the physical side of recovery.

Every day I think bad thoughts about myself, every day I have to force myself to eat. I know it will get easier over time, but it's still darn hard. I hate it sometimes, I really do, I wish it were simpler, but it's not and I have to accept that. Is recovery worth fighting for? To me, the answer is Yes. No matter how many times I fail, I know that I want recovery more than Anorexia. Recovery is my challenge now, my struggle, my life. Not Anorexia.

I am here for you if you need me Denise. You know how I feel about how far you have come. Don't try on old clothes - throw them out. This is a new stage in your life, a new exciting and wonderful stage - a stage granted to you by the grace of God. You are so special and so loved and so guarded by Him.

 

[madison1101]

Denise, I am sorry but what is ortho?

I have been a binge eater for most of my life, probably since my teens. I am now 48. That makes over 40 years of ingrained eating behavior. Breaking this habit is one day at a time. Like I am a recovering alcoholic. I work my program one day at a time.

I found a new program I am going to check out this week, Celebrate Recovery. It's a Christian 12 step program for all kinds of recovery, and eating disorders is included. Check to see if there is a group near you.

I am here for you, Sis. You deserve to get better and heal from this.

Hugs,
Trish

 

[Music4Hym777]

Denise, as much as my fiancee would hate me for writing this, I believe that you can never get over an eating disorder. It is something that you learn to emaintain and keep under control. Its like living like Christ, we can strive each day to live like Christ, but we can never be perfect like Christ is. There are going to be days that are better than others, if you keep on the recovery road with time it will be easier and easier to do better, but there are gonna be times you screw up, its just the way that it is.

When I was diagnosed, the psychologists and psychiatrists said that with the severity of my eating disorder that they would be happy if I could just even get it to where I was maybe doing it once a month or so (I was doing it 4-6 times a day), whell, I slip up about every 6-8 months now. Its not easy all the time and there are times when I have to fight with everything inside of me, but it can be done!

We are never perfectly over our eating disorders, but we can find new ways to define ourselves, now I no longer think that "I'm Monica and I have bulimia" its now more "I'm Monica and I am recovering from bulimia"

 

[Daysoni]

Ortho-- is short for orthostatic. It's caused by temporary reduction in blood flow causing a shortage of oxygen to the brain. And low blood pressure. It can cause low blood pressure, light headedness, and blackouts.


Blessedmomof5.... As hard as it may seem for me I believe that I will live with my disorder off and on for the rest of my life. We have to look at it as kind of like being diabetic. Diabetics have to moniter there symptoms andif not it can cause them some serious complications. We need to learn how to monitor our disorders. We'll have good days and bad days. Hopefully one day it will click. As for being for oue ED being a part of us. It is and it is a big past of what made me who I am today. I'm more sensitive to others needs then I think some are. I know what it's like to be teased and tormented. So I can be therr for others. And for that I am thankful.

 

[blessedmomof5]

Thank you all for your replies,
kate,
I agree it is about control, but in the end do we really have the control? and its mental alright, now if i can only find that place where i put it....or them.

Trish,
that one day at a time does not work for me, as i see myself grow i become paniced, like it does not belong ? but even though i am not eating like i should i am attending groups, which i never did before will look to see if we have a celebrate recovery around here.thanks

Monica, shessh, that made so much sense at least to me striving to be perfect when in fact i cannot be. load lifted. i do not think i can say Denise recovering from anorexia yet....... hey i see you in the wedding dress did i miss the big day? maybe we can have a girls night out on here for ya?

daysoni, i am not to sure for me it will ever click, maybe i can control to where i want it to be, but never where everyone else would like it to be, i am already bargaining with myself.
thanks

 

[Music4Hym777]

Denise, no the big day is in October, I will be sporting the wedding dress until then, although it looks nothing like mine. I'm glad that made sense. We are all gonna have days when we mess up, I know I do. I'm definately not perfect in this whole eating disorder thing, but ya know what, trying to strive towards perfection for me is better than nothing at all.

 

[madison1101]

Thank you all for your replies,
kate,
I agree it is about control, but in the end do we really have the control? and its mental alright, now if i can only find that place where i put it....or them.

Trish,
that one day at a time does not work for me, as i see myself grow i become paniced, like it does not belong ? but even though i am not eating like i should i am attending groups, which i never did before will look to see if we have a celebrate recovery around here.thanks

Monica, shessh, that made so much sense at least to me striving to be perfect when in fact i cannot be. load lifted. i do not think i can say Denise recovering from anorexia yet....... hey i see you in the wedding dress did i miss the big day? maybe we can have a girls night out on here for ya?

daysoni, i am not to sure for me it will ever click, maybe i can control to where i want it to be, but never where everyone else would like it to be, i am already bargaining with myself.
thanks

Denise, the one day at a time philosophy is a way to cope with the enormity of the eating disorder as a life long recovery process. You just do your best to recover today. Don't worry about what tomorrow is going to look like. Just learn to cope with what today has. Whether it is your eating behavior or distorted body image, use your coping skills to the best of your ability today.

I have learned that recovery is three-fold. If I am not working my recovery program on all three levels, I am setting myself up for a relapse in some way. The three areas are spiritual, mental and physical. Spiritual recovery involves having my devotions and daily giving God my eating behaviors. It also includes worshipping at church and Bible study. Mental recovery is therapy work and body image work. Using my coping skills like self-soothing too. Physical recovery is not doing my eating disordered behaviors and taking care of this body God gave me.

 

[goldenviolet]

it is a daily choice for alot of us

 

[bumblebee62331]

I think the fact that it is a continuous choice from us, that only enforces the recovery process! I mean, the fact that we have to keep deciding to eat reminds us that we need to. Does that make sense? If I was to recover and that was it, I would quickly slip back into my old habits, probably without really noticing. But the fact that I have to keep telling and reminding myself to look after my body every day only reinforces the positive thoughts and good actions I do.

 

[cassyrode]

Ive heard the crying of your heart. I have seen the searching of your soul. I know how deeply you have desired the truth In pain you have cried out for it. When I see you I am overewhelmed with tears and wish to hold you close to me. Go ahead now, Ask me anything. Anything. I will speak to you if you listen. The words to the next song you hear, the information in the next article you read, The story line of the next movie you watch, The chance utterence of the next person you meet. Or the whisper of the next river. The next ocean. The next breeze that carresses your ear. All these devices are mine. I will come to you if you invite me. I will show you then that I have Always been there...

Always.

 

[blessedmomof5]

Kate,
But the fact that I have to keep telling and reminding myself to look after my body every day only reinforces the positive thoughts and good actions I do.

that scares me....... why do i still have these stupid feelings....why do i hold on to them......

cassyrode, That was beautiful, you brought tears to my eyes and warmth to my heart thank you.

 

[bumblebee62331]

Kate,
But the fact that I have to keep telling and reminding myself to look after my body every day only reinforces the positive thoughts and good actions I do.

that scares me....... why do i still have these stupid feelings....why do i hold on to them......

Why does it scare you? Explain to me.

You still have those stupid feelings because they are a big part of what you have been through. You can't just get rid of them quickly! It's a long road ahead, but you are already on it and you're driving quickly! But safely...

 

[blessedmomof5]

well dr kate, lol you sound like my T.... anyway, just an observation...
i guess it scares me because i see things and feel things that are not there, and maybe when i really look into it deep from inside why am i really getting better, what is the reason? and maybe thats what i do not like.

 

[bumblebee62331]

well dr kate, lol you sound like my T.... anyway, just an observation...

Hmm...is that a good thing or a bad thing?

i guess it scares me because i see things and feel things that are not there, and maybe when i really look into it deep from inside why am i really getting better, what is the reason? and maybe thats what i do not like.

Does it really matter if it's there or not? The fact is that you feel it and you have to find some way of dealing with that, because it is getting to you in some way. Does that make sense? It's like, you might have visions of purple people. They aren't really there, but you still see them so you have to deal with it. You have to convince yourself that they aren't there, or you have to find some way to solve that problem. Ok, now that sounds creepy.

I'm sorry I can't help more, that was pretty shocking advice. I think I'll go to bed. PM me if you want to talk.

 

[blessedmomof5]

actually i would not mind purple people...lol

i think i need to figure out the reason for getting better....i think once i have that figured out then the healing will begin...i think

 

[bumblebee62331]

actually i would not mind purple people...lol

i think i need to figure out the reason for getting better....i think once i have that figured out then the healing will begin...i think

Ok, think of a reason. I am sure you have many. Write them down on a piece of paper and read through them every night. See if that helps. Oh and no purple people, okay?!