Reconciling with ex husband

[Tropical Wilds]

Do you believe in the power of Christ to restore marriages?

In some cases, sure. But not all marriages are healed by Christ, especially when 50% of those involved aren't willing to do the work. And this guy has made super clear, he's not willing to do anything on his own to make any efforts to start this new relationship with his ex wife off on the right foot.

And I'd like to point out, this isn't a case of saving a marriage. The marriage is quite over, and has been for some time. This is about starting a relationship after the marriage has ended.

 

[young@heart]

And you get the same, no win to say win!

sorry can you explain what you mean?

 

[young@heart]

In some cases, sure. But not all marriages are healed by Christ, especially when 50% of those involved aren't willing to do the work. And this guy has made super clear, he's not willing to do anything on his own to make any efforts to start this new relationship with his ex wife off on the right foot.

And I'd like to point out, this isn't a case of saving a marriage. The marriage is quite over, and has been for some time. This is about starting a relationship after the marriage has ended.

Hi thank you I understand what you are saying but surely in Gods eyes we are still married as neither of us have remarried.

I also understand that this won't work unless hubby is as committed as me. That't why I've told him we need to wait on God and see how we feel after Christmas.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Hi thank you I understand what you are saying but surely in Gods eyes we are still married as neither of us have remarried.

In your eyes you view yourselves as still married, in your ex's case he feels you're not still married, legally you're not married, and spiritually by what God sees... The Bible talks about how if a man divorces his wife, he should give her a certificate and send her way, which your ex did. So...

And if you thought what was going on would be the rebuilding of a marriage, then you would not be defining what behaviors you will and won't do until you're legally remarried.

I also understand that this won't work unless hubby is as committed as me. That't why I've told him we need to wait on God and see how we feel after Christmas.

Your ex-husband has shown repeatedly by his actions that he's just not committed to restarting or even rebuilding a relationship. I'd say you got the closure you wanted and its time to move forward in your life. You can't live your life beholden to a man who divorced you, no matter what he's telling you now. He's proven that he thinks your marriage wasn't worth fighting for, and he proved by having an affair that for him the marriage was over long before he told you. You're only letting him show that even though you're divorced and not in a relationship with him that he can still treat you as a backup plan. So that's what he's doing.

And I still highly doubt what he said about the status of his other, primary relationship. Especially if they're living together.

 

[young@heart]

thanks for reply, they aren't living together & according to him they are finished.

I've told him only way forward is counselling so if he wants the marriage to work he'll have to come to counselling.

He's very keen to talk and try to resolve things but I think we need a mediator otherwise we just end up arguing.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

thanks for reply, they aren't living together & according to him they are finished.

I've told him only way forward is counselling so if he wants the marriage to work he'll have to come to counselling.

He's very keen to talk and try to resolve things but I think we need a mediator otherwise we just end up arguing.

According to him, yet who knows. If it weren't for you confronting him, according to him, he'd have told you he wasn't having an affair.

If resolving things requires a mediator because you only end up arguing, that really doesn't bode well at all. Like I said, I know you'll end up pushing forward with trying to restart a relationship, but the writing is on the wall already.

 

[motherprayer]

thanks for reply, they aren't living together & according to him they are finished.

I've told him only way forward is counselling so if he wants the marriage to work he'll have to come to counselling.

He's very keen to talk and try to resolve things but I think we need a mediator otherwise we just end up arguing.

Mediators can be very helpful. I thank God for our pastor every day, for his ability and willingness to see things in a Biblical and spiritual light, and to always help us to work towards doing things in a Christlike way.
Prayer works my friend!

 

[mandelduke]

sorry can you explain what you mean?

you will see that hubby didn't treat me as a wife in many senses, P&E abuse, controlling behaviour, lies, probable adultery, selfishness, building a life for himself not me etc.

 

[young@heart]

you will see that hubby didn't treat me as a wife in many senses, P&E abuse, controlling behaviour, lies, probable adultery, selfishness, building a life for himself not me etc.

but you said

'And you get the same, no win to say win!'

I dont understand

 

[motherprayer]

but you said

'And you get the same, no win to say win!'

I dont understand

I think it was supposed to be "Know when to say when" maybe :-/

 

[Chaplain David]

Hi Everyone,
I posted on here before about my divorce. I've been divorced 2 months, separated 20 months.

Marriage ended badly, I was hurt and broken and saw no way out so told him I couldn't do it any more. We attempted counselling but he wasn't interested, he had a bruised ego. Once he said he wanted a divorce I pushed and pushed to make it happen because I wanted it sorted, done, probably thought this would make it easier. He wouldn't wait 2 years so we divorced on grounds of my unreasonable behaviour!

I always said when he's ready I am here to make it work.

Anyway I've rebuilt my life as best I can, although its always empty when you've been married.

I found out 2 weeks ago that he is seeing a woman who was sniffing around when we were married. At first I was pleased cause I thought this means i'm free he must have had an affair etc.
The next day it hit me, I was in total despair. How could he walk out after everything and just go on and rebuild his life. Dating again already etc etc Ended up contacting him & telling him I knew etc. He was obviously shocked I knew. Since then we've text quite a bit and I said you know you were always welcome back I always said that. He got annoyed and said he didn't come back because he didn't think I wanted him etc etc said he had wanted to ....

Anyway I told him I had more stuff for him to collect and would he like to come and get it, I'd be in this time etc and He contacted straight away.

He came round and we had a chat he asked why am I feeling like this now, am I jealious etc I said I don't know that I just feel so upset, regretful of our divorce etc
He said he wanted to come and see me so many times but I was so angry he didn't think he should etc that he still loved me and would give it all up for me!

Now we've not even managed to sit down and talk since he left last March. I feel God is healing my heart and that I am able to forgive him and understand some more about why things went wrong, I was so wrapped in anger and hurt that I pushed him away.

We've met up once since just as a friendly chat. He's told the other woman and they are on hold until we see what't going on.

I'm also planning on seeing him tonight.

Now some of my friends think i'm a looney to even consider thinking about getting back together, my closest friend says she understands and would also try as I am.

What do you all think? Would God want this for me? I mean would his desire for me to fix my marriage or do you think now the divorce is done he would have other plans for me?

4 weeks ago I was in mission in africa and had a prophetic word that God had a man for me.

Now I am confused, I've been seeking him but nothing specific has come except this desire to forgive and overcome.
Also since all this I have met a couple who do marriage counselling and would be willing to help, church showed the fireproof movie (I love it!) and they are starting a marriage course. Could this be coincidence or his plan?!

Another thing is, are we still married biblically? can I be intimate if the time came without being in sin? or do we wait until we might re-marry legally?

Blessings & prayers please. I want to have a clear had for when I see him later

Hello,

I'm sorry that you have experienced so much pain but know that Christ can heal all wounds. It sounds like you've really done a lot with getting on with your life despite the pain. I know it hasn't been easy but so many things that are worthwhile are not easy but take perserverence and time.
Personally I would not have anything to do with the ex-spouse (talking about romantic things) unless he had fully and completely severed all ties to all women that he is romantically involved with. I am a bit concerned about the phrase "putting the other one on hold until he sees how it works out." I don't think that is fair to you or the other woman. But trust is a big issue here and it's not like he's shopping for a game boy or choosing between menu items trying to get the best one. You deserve to be choosy and you deserve a good, caring, kind and considerate mate. Please keep praying about what you should do. I know you will receive a lot of council from the members here as well.

Faithfully,

 

[young@heart]

Hello,

I'm sorry that you have experienced so much pain but know that Christ can heal all wounds. It sounds like you've really done a lot with getting on with your life despite the pain. I know it hasn't been easy but so many things that are worthwhile are not easy but take perserverence and time.
Personally I would not have anything to do with the ex-spouse (talking about romantic things) unless he had fully and completely severed all ties to all women that he is romantically involved with. I am a bit concerned about the phrase "putting the other one on hold until he sees how it works out." I don't think that is fair to you or the other woman. But trust is a big issue here and it's not like he's shopping for a game boy or choosing between menu items trying to get the best one. You deserve to be choosy and you deserve a good, caring, kind and considerate mate. Please keep praying about what you should do. I know you will receive a lot of council from the members here as well.

Faithfully,

hi thanks for your kind words. I have made it clear that complete honesty is needed, nothing from past etc. I've even sent hubby a list of how I want my future to be etc. I've told him we will see how each of us feels after Christmas as I felt we both need to focus on God and have some time to consider what we each want.
he tells me he has finished with the other woman.
I'm going to see a counsellor tonight to talk about things and I've made it clear to H that I wont be compromising on us having counselling together if we decide we want to work towards restoration.

We'll see what happens but waiting/ seeking God etc is really testing me. I just want to know now. I''m not very patient.

I've listened to the audio version of the power of a praying wife which was good. I've been praying for H but also feel rather than focusing my prayers just on him I will focus on the husband God has for me and so I will wait on him.

blessings

 

[mandelduke]

but you said

'And you get the same, no win to say win!'

I dont understand

“you will see that hubby didn't treat me as a wife in many senses, P&E abuse, controlling behaviour, lies, probable adultery, selfishness, building a life for himself not me etc” What has changed? You will get treated just like before.

 

[motherprayer]

“you will see that hubby didn't treat me as a wife in many senses, P&E abuse, controlling behaviour, lies, probable adultery, selfishness, building a life for himself not me etc” What has changed? You will get treated just like before.

My husband did all those same things to me, and God has changed his heart. God can truly work miracles.

 

[young@heart]

Well it doesn't matter now. Hubby's heart hasn't changed. He says its too much to even try and make things work, says I haven't changed! I'm obviously very upset and annoyed with myself that even after all this time I let him get to me and also opened myself up to gthurt again. I just wish I was over it already.
He pretty much said I was the one that ruined our marriage.
Good job my friend got the verse Isiah 42: 18-20 when she was praying for me. I think I knew deep down God has over plans but I wanted my husband back. I am so angry and hurt that j never got the husband I shoul: have the kind that would cherish and love me.

Now I'm back to feeling sad and waiting on God, at least I tried. I pushed the door but its not too be.

Now I Just have to wait on my prophecy that God has a man for me & see what happens next.

Thanks for your support please pray for me as I am very low now

 

[young@heart]

Who'd Gods greatest desire be for my marriage to be restored? I am sooo confused. Hubby and I seem to have come to a stage of friendship whilst seeking God but I don't want to be going the wrong direction or heading for more pain

 

[motherprayer]

Who'd Gods greatest desire be for my marriage to be restored? I am sooo confused. Hubby and I seem to have come to a stage of friendship whilst seeking God but I don't want to be going the wrong direction or heading for more pain

Pray about this, and remember when you pray, that sometimes God doesn't "answer" because He wants you to wait on Him. It sounds to me like this is a situation where the best thing you can do is keep things as they are for awhile, and see where God leads you both.

Some here will encourage you strongly to go in one direction or another, but it is only God who can guide you to exactly what He wants for your life.

I pray for you every day, Sister

 

[young@heart]

Pray about this, and remember when you pray, that sometimes God doesn't "answer" because He wants you to wait on Him. It sounds to me like this is a situation where the best thing you can do is keep things as they are for awhile, and see where God leads you both.

Some here will encourage you strongly to go in one direction or another, but it is only God who can guide you to exactly what He wants for your life.

I pray for you every day, Sister

That's for your prayers! We have seen each other a couple of times breifly and get on well when we do but we don't really discuss anything. When we have tried to talk about issues we end up talking about the past and saying things that hurt each other.

He says he's struggling because its been so long since we split (20months) and he's rebuilt his life and been dating someone else whereas I haven't dated anyone. I'm not sure maybe he would know straight away or maybe he scared about repeating mistakes?

Will continue to seek God. It's been so nice having him back in my life.

 

[Chaplain David]

hi thanks for your kind words. I have made it clear that complete honesty is needed, nothing from past etc. I've even sent hubby a list of how I want my future to be etc. I've told him we will see how each of us feels after Christmas as I felt we both need to focus on God and have some time to consider what we each want.
he tells me he has finished with the other woman.
I'm going to see a counsellor tonight to talk about things and I've made it clear to H that I wont be compromising on us having counselling together if we decide we want to work towards restoration.

We'll see what happens but waiting/ seeking God etc is really testing me. I just want to know now. I''m not very patient.

I've listened to the audio version of the power of a praying wife which was good. I've been praying for H but also feel rather than focusing my prayers just on him I will focus on the husband God has for me and so I will wait on him.

blessings

Hello,

I think you are on the right track and am happy that you are going to see a counselor. God bless you two.

CH Sacerdote

 

[DZoolander]

Okay - I know this is going to sound like a sexist thing to say - but what the heck...it's my observation.

I've never understood women when it comes to getting dumped - or if their guy has found someone else. When I divorced my ex wife and heard she'd found some other guy - that was a blessing in my eyes... Why? Because it meant she was hopefully finally off my back. She was someone else's headache now - at least for the time being.

Every breakup I've ever had - I was anxious for them to find someone else. I never saw them moving on as something to be negative about. I never saw it as some sort of testament about what we had (or didn't have). So - hearing about how you're angst ridden about "how could he have moved on" is just a completely foreign emotion to me. If I've taken the time to break up with you, divorce you, etc...that means I don't want you in my life any more. It's not a bargaining chip to try and coerce you into some alternate behavior. It's not a form of extortion. It means - goodbye and good riddance.

Women don't seem to have that point of view - at least not most of the ones I've met.

When I was single - I long believed "Want to get a girl interested in you or renew her interest in you? Break up with her." For some reason - at least with the women I know - that reeks havoc on them. They want to be the one to do the leaving/the breaking up with...and for some reason...if you do that to them it's a form of disempowerment that makes them want the relationship back. I can only assume it's so that they can break up with you later? Who knows.

An example... I knew a girl that was dating some guy that she truly believed was far beneath her. She was college educated - he barely had a HS education. She always talked about how she couldn't see going out with him even on another date due to so many differences and how low class she thought he was. Low and behold - before she had her chance he called her - and told her it wasn't working out for him.

What'd she do? You'd think common sense would dictate that she'd say "thank God - dodged that bullet!" - but no - instead she started pursuing him. I can only figure it was because "how dare someone I think should be grateful to have me choose to leave me first!" So - she pursued the guy - and ended up marrying him. The same schmo she complained that she couldn't stand just six months earlier - she pursued to a failed marriage simply because he had the nerve to move on before she was ready.

So - with that in mind - I really get a lot of red flags when I hear that you're considering reconciliation after finding out that "he's started seeing someone else."

Why did you even bother going through the hassle of divorce then? Why did ya even waste the money and time it took to catalog your assets/etc? Because - really - wasn't that all it was? Just one big monumental waste of effort?

Just curious.