Reconciling with ex husband

[Tropical Wilds]

I totally agree with you. Completely.

My ex-husband started dating, ended up getting married, having kids... I was thrilled. I truly, truly was. He'd moved on, which is a beautiful thing. The fact that he had kids with somebody, which was such a bone of contention with us, just went to show to me that, yes, right decisions were made all the way around. I was thrilled because it meant that we agreed that we were no longer each others problem in a way that was almost more concrete then the divorce. Everybody has moved on, everybody is happy. Fantasmic.

For my husband and his ex, however... See above. Even to this day, we've moved on, we have kids, and it's been years... But I know for a fact that if he were to say to her what this guy said to the OP, it'd be like the divorce never happened. As it is, we know every nuance is carefully dissected to mean something it doesn't and it's just mind boggling to both of us. For example, when she dated some bonehead and they broke up, it somehow became our issue... My email was broken into by her idiot ex and forwarded to her, and the screaming match my husband and I got into with the idiot in a parking lot was not his rage over this guy bothering me and stealing my personal information, it was an obvious sign of some sort of residual feelings towards her. Obviously. :smack:

Like I said before, he wants a postmortem on the relationship, fine. But any belief that means a new relationship with a different end result is just asking for trouble. He's moved on and given all indication of as much.

 

[DZoolander]

I agree.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying "Don't work on your relationship", "don't try" or "don't give it your all" (which is where this type of discussion ends up inevitably going.) By all means, try. By all means, work on it until the cows come home. By all means, give it everything you've got.

...up until you file for divorce.

To me the act of divorce is the *last* thing you do *after* you've done everything else. It is a line in the sand not to be crossed unless you're actually serious and have determined that you HAVE tried everything to make it work (and failed).

It seems like all too often, breaking up and divorce are simply additional tools in an individual's attempts to try and coerce a desired behavior from their partner. "Well, let's see... badgering them didn't work. Denying them sex didn't work. Counseling didn't work. Maybe divorcing them will show them how serious I am?"

No no no no no. At least in my eyes that view is completely wrong. Separation - yeah - maybe you could use that for that purpose - because separation doesn't split you up the way divorce does. When you separate you're saying "I can't be with you - but I'm not prepared for divorce yet". But - divorce (to me at least) is another animal altogether. That, you don't do until you mean it. Divorce doesn't mean "separated but now I really really mean it" - divorce means "I'm done."

 

[young@heart]

Hi EZoolander and Tropical Wilds,

I understand where you both are coming from. Divorce does mean the end in the worlds eyes but not in the eyes and words of God. I never wanted a divorce but when things were going wrong and I was hurting and hubby said he wanted a divorce that became my focus, I pushed for him to make his decision final. However I think that was a way of dealing with the pain. But I never agreed with the divorce and always wanted him to come back.

It just so happens that now after everything we have managed to come to a peaceful place, a place where we can talk again, spend time together again and have discussed many of our issues.

We're still thinking and praying but he has now agreed to counselling one thing he refused before and he has admitted alot of things from when we were married and since he left so I know everything. Even hearing everything and my heart completely breaking I still feel that I can leave those things in the past, I feel God can help me to forgive him and help us deal with the destructive behaviours on both our sides which left us feeling desperate, hurt, unwanted, unloved etc and incidentally resulted in the breakdown of our union.

We both still have feelings for each other which we had burried to start to rebuild our lives. He also has been seeing another woman so that's a big issue as there are feelings there he needs to deal with.

Right now we are focusing on God, I trust God has brought us to this place for a reason, even if it is just to find peace but I truly believe that if we sacrifice ourselves wholly to the commitment we made to each other and God we could have a stronger, more beautiful union than we ever had before.

This is what I'm praying for, please stand with me to pray for my marriage and for my heart to be healed

Thanks

 

[motherprayer]

This is what I'm praying for, please stand with me to pray for my marriage and for my heart to be healed

Thanks

Praying!

 

[young@heart]

thank you, we really have had some good heart to heart discussions and my heart aches for my husband. I think its wise he wants more time as otherwise we might end up jumping in the deep end but I truly believe he has some to a realisation of his behaviour and what he has done. He feels better for admitting and repenting everything. Had I not contacted him this might not have happened so even if we don't get back together I am glad this time has come.
blessings

 

[Tropical Wilds]

I'm with Zoolander on this one. It seems you're ignoring the bad and trying to seek out the good. Your relationship with your ex is long over and, unresolved feelings on your side and claimed on his side do not erase that he left, you divorced, and everybody moved on. There is no marriage left to work on, despite what your feelings may be. I think what he wants is closure, and that's all. People don't divorce because they want to fix things, nor do they ride out a divorce simply because they didn't bother asking the other spouse if its what they wanted.

 

[motherprayer]

I'm with Zoolander on this one. It seems you're ignoring the bad and trying to seek out the good. Your relationship with your ex is long over and, unresolved feelings on your side and claimed on his side do not erase that he left, you divorced, and everybody moved on. There is no marriage left to work on, despite what your feelings may be. I think what he wants is closure, and that's all. People don't divorce because they want to fix things, nor do they ride out a divorce simply because they didn't bother asking the other spouse if its what they wanted.

Can you give Scripture for what you say?

 

[DZoolander]

The gospel of rational thinking

 

[motherprayer]

The gospel of rational thinking

Oh, gotcha. I believe the Bible, sorry. But I do understand where you are coming from.

The restoration of my own marriage was completely irrational, and I heard many of the things that have been said on this thread back when I was separated from my husband. God is powerful enough to recreate anything that man has destroyed

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Can you give Scripture for what you say?

I could, but then you'll give scripture that claims I'm wrong, and all of it will ignore the common sense of the situation.

I'm perfectly aware she's going to keep on going as if the divorce never happened and when he restates his lack of interest in a relationship, she'll be back and upset at wasting her time... Keep in mind he has already backed out once since this all started, but now is having another change of heart.

He is yanking her around and will continue to do so until she stops letting him. As she said, this is only happening because she initiated and pursued it, not because of anything he did. He wouldn't have even come clean about the affair if she hadn't approached him, and I strongly suspect the relationship with the other person is still going on. The second time around will end as the first time did when he remembers why he wanted a divorce in the first place.

I think that all he wants is closure. I'd give it to him then send him back on his way, with a reminder of the divorce, the affair, and his total lack of interest in doing anything proactive until prompted.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Oh, gotcha. I believe the Bible, sorry. But I do understand where you are coming from.

Faith isn't a substitute for common sense.

The restoration of my own marriage was completely irrational, and I heard many of the things that have been said on this thread back when I was separated from my husband. God is powerful enough to recreate anything that man has destroyed

You are separated, this poster is long divorced. And God doesn't negate free will and both have been willing to try. She's working to roll a 500 pound bolder while wearing rose-colored glasses, while the bolder is content at allowing her to do so as long as it keeps going down the hill, allowing her and gravity to do most of the work. Lets see how far he rolls when it involves going uphill.