Reconciling with ex husband

[young@heart]

Hi Everyone,
I posted on here before about my divorce. I've been divorced 2 months, separated 20 months.

Marriage ended badly, I was hurt and broken and saw no way out so told him I couldn't do it any more. We attempted counselling but he wasn't interested, he had a bruised ego. Once he said he wanted a divorce I pushed and pushed to make it happen because I wanted it sorted, done, probably thought this would make it easier. He wouldn't wait 2 years so we divorced on grounds of my unreasonable behaviour!

I always said when he's ready I am here to make it work.

Anyway I've rebuilt my life as best I can, although its always empty when you've been married.

I found out 2 weeks ago that he is seeing a woman who was sniffing around when we were married. At first I was pleased cause I thought this means i'm free he must have had an affair etc.
The next day it hit me, I was in total despair. How could he walk out after everything and just go on and rebuild his life. Dating again already etc etc Ended up contacting him & telling him I knew etc. He was obviously shocked I knew. Since then we've text quite a bit and I said you know you were always welcome back I always said that. He got annoyed and said he didn't come back because he didn't think I wanted him etc etc said he had wanted to ....

Anyway I told him I had more stuff for him to collect and would he like to come and get it, I'd be in this time etc and He contacted straight away.

He came round and we had a chat he asked why am I feeling like this now, am I jealious etc I said I don't know that I just feel so upset, regretful of our divorce etc
He said he wanted to come and see me so many times but I was so angry he didn't think he should etc that he still loved me and would give it all up for me!

Now we've not even managed to sit down and talk since he left last March. I feel God is healing my heart and that I am able to forgive him and understand some more about why things went wrong, I was so wrapped in anger and hurt that I pushed him away.

We've met up once since just as a friendly chat. He's told the other woman and they are on hold until we see what't going on.

I'm also planning on seeing him tonight.

Now some of my friends think i'm a looney to even consider thinking about getting back together, my closest friend says she understands and would also try as I am.

What do you all think? Would God want this for me? I mean would his desire for me to fix my marriage or do you think now the divorce is done he would have other plans for me?

4 weeks ago I was in mission in africa and had a prophetic word that God had a man for me.

Now I am confused, I've been seeking him but nothing specific has come except this desire to forgive and overcome.
Also since all this I have met a couple who do marriage counselling and would be willing to help, church showed the fireproof movie (I love it!) and they are starting a marriage course. Could this be coincidence or his plan?!

Another thing is, are we still married biblically? can I be intimate if the time came without being in sin? or do we wait until we might re-marry legally?

Blessings & prayers please. I want to have a clear had for when I see him later

 

[saturnnights]

I am in fear of a reconciliation threat myself someday, so I sort-of connect with you here. The things that you have to think about (like I have to as well) revolve around the spiritual condition of your ex-husband. It took me a while to figure this out, but based on things that I've read and been told (here even), we have to remember that your divorce actually happened. God may hate divorce, and it wasn't His first choice for you and your ex-husband, but you both went through with it. Reconciliation now has an added complication - are you both saved? For certain?
In my case, I am 99% certain that my wife is an unbeliever. Although nobody knows the heart of another, we're still expected to make informed and Spirit-led decisions about who we associate or even marry. If the day ever comes when my ex-wife realizes what she's done (and she's bipolar/schizophrenic, so anything's possible), and wants to reconcile, I will have a hard time even considering it until after a prolonged period of dating during which I pray and ask God for guidance. Plus, I will need to see changes in her life and behavior that I have never seen before in 19 years of marriage. Short of a miracle, I don't anticipate such a change, but it could happen.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that your choices now have to be made in consideration of whether or not remarrying him may make the two of you unequally yoked (either of you). Think hard about why you two actually divorced. As Christians, that was a BIG, terrible choice that you made, in light of what you know God thinks. Why did you do it? Just something to consider... I'm not judging, only trying to make you think things through...

Mark

 

[LinkH]

I'd say look at the Bible. I Corinthians 7 says let not the wife depart from her husband, but if she departs, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And let not the husband put away his wife.

Matthew 19 says that if a man divorces his wife and marries another, he commits adultery, and he that marries her that is divorced commits adultery.

If you get some paper from the state that says you are divorced, how does that make you free to 'move on' with someone else in the sight of God.

If you got a prophetic word about God having 'a man' for you, and you believe that is from the Lord, your (ex)husband is 'a man'. If you had your husband and someone else, that would be two men.

Btw, do you think he'd be up for counseling?

I'd go for it if I were you. If he hasn't done anything inappropriate with the friend sniffing around, then it's going to be easier. I'd smack that 'on hold' thing down fast. He's got to get rid of her, and you two just get her out of your lives.

A couple that divorces and then reconciles, that's generally a great testimony of healing and a beautiful thing. Spend some time seriously praying together and confessing your own sins, and he confesses his own, things you've done to each other. Pray and ask God to help you. This is one of those cases where it's okay to have a whirlwind engagement. You can go get the pastor out of bed or find a JP if you have to if you two can work things out.

 

[motherprayer]

A restored marriage makes for a beautiful testimony

I think the question you need to ask is not whether you desire to reconcile the marriage, but whether God desires reconciliation for you. He will give an answer, and He will help you to fulfill what He desires of you.

Either way, I recommend reading "The Power of a Praying Wife." I read this actually almost a year after my own marriage with my husband was restored (after 9 months of separation) and it changed the way I think about how to be a wife. It is an amazing book, and not super long either.

 

[dayhiker]

Hi young,
Well, I'm with your divorced think of things from that perspective.

So I'd say don't even think about sex at this point. What you should do is make a list of all the issues you need to see fixed in the relationship before you would have a good relationship with him. Then have him make his list. Then with a counselor talk thru the lists and get most of them fixed with new behavior patterns before you plan to get married. Even if you don't get married, each of you will have grown a whole lot from all that personal work. Probably your emotional pain is less now so you can do the personal work needed to have healthy relationships. As you work thru the issues, keep the healing going and don't let the old attitudes become so dominate as that would stop the healing.

Come back and keep us informed how it works outs. I'm really curious of how it will go.

 

[true2theword]

Hi Everyone,
I posted on here before about my divorce. I've been divorced 2 months, separated 20 months.

Marriage ended badly, I was hurt and broken and saw no way out so told him I couldn't do it any more. We attempted counselling but he wasn't interested, he had a bruised ego. Once he said he wanted a divorce I pushed and pushed to make it happen because I wanted it sorted, done, probably thought this would make it easier. He wouldn't wait 2 years so we divorced on grounds of my unreasonable behaviour!

I always said when he's ready I am here to make it work.

Anyway I've rebuilt my life as best I can, although its always empty when you've been married.

I found out 2 weeks ago that he is seeing a woman who was sniffing around when we were married. At first I was pleased cause I thought this means i'm free he must have had an affair etc.
The next day it hit me, I was in total despair. How could he walk out after everything and just go on and rebuild his life. Dating again already etc etc Ended up contacting him & telling him I knew etc. He was obviously shocked I knew. Since then we've text quite a bit and I said you know you were always welcome back I always said that. He got annoyed and said he didn't come back because he didn't think I wanted him etc etc said he had wanted to ....

Anyway I told him I had more stuff for him to collect and would he like to come and get it, I'd be in this time etc and He contacted straight away.

He came round and we had a chat he asked why am I feeling like this now, am I jealious etc I said I don't know that I just feel so upset, regretful of our divorce etc
He said he wanted to come and see me so many times but I was so angry he didn't think he should etc that he still loved me and would give it all up for me!

Now we've not even managed to sit down and talk since he left last March. I feel God is healing my heart and that I am able to forgive him and understand some more about why things went wrong, I was so wrapped in anger and hurt that I pushed him away.

We've met up once since just as a friendly chat. He's told the other woman and they are on hold until we see what't going on.

I'm also planning on seeing him tonight.

Now some of my friends think i'm a looney to even consider thinking about getting back together, my closest friend says she understands and would also try as I am.

What do you all think? Would God want this for me? I mean would his desire for me to fix my marriage or do you think now the divorce is done he would have other plans for me?

4 weeks ago I was in mission in africa and had a prophetic word that God had a man for me.

Now I am confused, I've been seeking him but nothing specific has come except this desire to forgive and overcome.
Also since all this I have met a couple who do marriage counselling and would be willing to help, church showed the fireproof movie (I love it!) and they are starting a marriage course. Could this be coincidence or his plan?!

Another thing is, are we still married biblically? can I be intimate if the time came without being in sin? or do we wait until we might re-marry legally?

Blessings & prayers please. I want to have a clear had for when I see him later

heres a word from God....."God hates divorce"

 

[young@heart]

Thank you for your replies, I know God hates divorce but that shouldn't be my soul reasons for reconciling my marriage after all we live by grace and God knows the situation and pressures we were both facing, that's not me excusing just trying to account for my actions.

So far hubby isn't keen on counselling. My stance is still the same but I am considering dating first to rebuild a relationship before we start to get too deep into anything.

I also agree that nothing physical will happen until we reach a point of remarriage.

Thanks for your advice I appreciate it and I will definitely keep you all updated

Thanks

 

[Johnnz]

Possibly some really good counselling from a skilled marriage counsellor would be useful for both of you. Real change does not always come that easily, and you don't want to find yourself repeating history in a marriage.

John
NZ

 

[true2theword]

Hi Everyone,
I posted on here before about my divorce. I've been divorced 2 months, separated 20 months.

Marriage ended badly, I was hurt and broken and saw no way out so told him I couldn't do it any more. We attempted counselling but he wasn't interested, he had a bruised ego. Once he said he wanted a divorce I pushed and pushed to make it happen because I wanted it sorted, done, probably thought this would make it easier. He wouldn't wait 2 years so we divorced on grounds of my unreasonable behaviour!

I always said when he's ready I am here to make it work.

Anyway I've rebuilt my life as best I can, although its always empty when you've been married.

I found out 2 weeks ago that he is seeing a woman who was sniffing around when we were married. At first I was pleased cause I thought this means i'm free he must have had an affair etc.
The next day it hit me, I was in total despair. How could he walk out after everything and just go on and rebuild his life. Dating again already etc etc Ended up contacting him & telling him I knew etc. He was obviously shocked I knew. Since then we've text quite a bit and I said you know you were always welcome back I always said that. He got annoyed and said he didn't come back because he didn't think I wanted him etc etc said he had wanted to ....

Anyway I told him I had more stuff for him to collect and would he like to come and get it, I'd be in this time etc and He contacted straight away.

He came round and we had a chat he asked why am I feeling like this now, am I jealious etc I said I don't know that I just feel so upset, regretful of our divorce etc
He said he wanted to come and see me so many times but I was so angry he didn't think he should etc that he still loved me and would give it all up for me!

Now we've not even managed to sit down and talk since he left last March. I feel God is healing my heart and that I am able to forgive him and understand some more about why things went wrong, I was so wrapped in anger and hurt that I pushed him away.

We've met up once since just as a friendly chat. He's told the other woman and they are on hold until we see what't going on.

I'm also planning on seeing him tonight.

Now some of my friends think i'm a looney to even consider thinking about getting back together, my closest friend says she understands and would also try as I am.

What do you all think? Would God want this for me? I mean would his desire for me to fix my marriage or do you think now the divorce is done he would have other plans for me?

4 weeks ago I was in mission in africa and had a prophetic word that God had a man for me.

Now I am confused, I've been seeking him but nothing specific has come except this desire to forgive and overcome.
Also since all this I have met a couple who do marriage counselling and would be willing to help, church showed the fireproof movie (I love it!) and they are starting a marriage course. Could this be coincidence or his plan?!

Another thing is, are we still married biblically? can I be intimate if the time came without being in sin? or do we wait until we might re-marry legally?

Blessings & prayers please. I want to have a clear had for when I see him later

from your own words you say the divorce was on the grounds of your unreasonable behavior, I believe you shouldn't wait for both of you to get counceling, if you already acknowledge your behavior as "Unreasonable" then I think the best place to start in reconcilation is your "unreasonable behavior" and what caused it

 

[young@heart]

I never admitted that was the reason for the divorce that was the only way the divorce could go through without waiting 2 yrs and hubby didn't want to do that.

Some of the things are true and I am dealing with them but it certainly wasn't just that that caused the marriage breakdown

 

[true2theword]

I never admitted that was the reason for the divorce that was the only way the divorce could go through without waiting 2 yrs and hubby didn't want to do that.

Some of the things are true and I am dealing with them but it certainly wasn't just that that caused the marriage breakdown

unless he was cheating on you or beating you sensless, or spending all your finances on drugs and pole dancers, you really haven't given a very valid reason for a divorce.

 

[young@heart]

True2theword I feel you are being quite direct with me.

I've already said divorce wasn't my choice so why are you condemning me?!

For he time I have decided to wait on God, I've pushed the door I shall now wait to see if hubby is willing to fight for our marriage

If you look back on my past post about he divorce you will see that hubby didn't treat me as a wife in many senses, P&E abuse, controlling behaviour, lies, probable adultery, selfishness, building a life for himself not me etc.

I am cautious ti make sure this is what God wants & not Satan tricking me into going back to the man God hasn't planned for me & who will stunt my growth in God

 

[dayhiker]

young .... quite a few Christians seem to enjoy condemning Christians that have gotten divorce. So we have to not let thier condemnation into our heart. For them, they would condemn us less if we killed our spouce. I find it that bad.

Thanks God for the believers who show us mercy like our Savior does.

 

[motherprayer]

True2theword I feel you are being quite direct with me.

I've already said divorce wasn't my choice so why are you condemning me?!

For he time I have decided to wait on God, I've pushed the door I shall now wait to see if hubby is willing to fight for our marriage

If you look back on my past post about he divorce you will see that hubby didn't treat me as a wife in many senses, P&E abuse, controlling behaviour, lies, probable adultery, selfishness, building a life for himself not me etc.

I am cautious ti make sure this is what God wants & not Satan tricking me into going back to the man God hasn't planned for me & who will stunt my growth in God

I think it is a beautiful thing that you are willing to try to reconcile! I will be praying for you, my marriage was restored after P&E abuse, feel free to PM me if you ever wish to talk to someone who's been there

 

[young@heart]

I think it is a beautiful thing that you are willing to try to reconcile! I will be praying for you, my marriage was restored after P&E abuse, feel free to PM me if you ever wish to talk to someone who's been there

Thank you motherprayer! I don't feel beautiful but foolish I wonder if this is just emotions getting the better if me.

I've been warned it cld be Satan trying to stool my walk with God as it was me who approached hubby not vice versa.
My friends & pastors would prefer him to come to me admitting his mistakes & showing true repentance,

I'm just waiting on God now to see what he says.

How did you manage to overcome everything?

 

[motherprayer]

Thank you motherprayer! I don't feel beautiful but foolish I wonder if this is just emotions getting the better if me.

I've been warned it cld be Satan trying to stool my walk with God as it was me who approached hubby not vice versa.
My friends & pastors would prefer him to come to me admitting his mistakes & showing true repentance,

I'm just waiting on God now to see what he says.

How did you manage to overcome everything?

It was hard for me, ill tell you that!

First, the best advice I can give you is to not listen to people's advice. I had people telling me all kinds of crazy stuff when I was separated from my husband. From "you need to move on, he's never gonna change" to "if you don't go back to him NOW, there are gonna be demons in your marriage." None of it was right, and I thank God every day for His discernment in helping me keep from following the advice of men before following the guidance of God.

You ARE beautiful, we women have power over our heads like angels you know!

I don't know if I agree with the advice that he should come to you with a repentant heart :-/ My husband wasn't repentant for a long time after I left him, but I stayed strong and constant in prayer. I prayed that God would change his heart and help him understand the wrong in what he did. I prayed for patience for myself, and studied about how to be the best Biblical wife I can be.

In the end, what really helped, I believe, was my willingness to follow God FIRST. A lot of people say it doesn't make sense to put your love for God before your love for your spouse, but trust me, it does! When I learned to make behaving the way God wants me to my first priority, it helped me to love my husband with Christlove, even when he was behaving horribly. And in turn, it helped him to learn that his behavior was unacceptable.

I am here for you! God is here for you as well!

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Things to think about:

1. Relationships/marriages to the same person after a divorce have a higher fail rate then any other relationship. And there's a reason... The problems that existed previously will return and remind you why you divorced in the first place. Now I know you say you didn't want a divorce and so it's not an issue, but can the same be said for your husband? Once he returns to the relationship, will the issues that so bothered him before return and cause him to leave again? In all probability, we know the answer to this question...

2. Words are great, but actions speak louder... He says he'd have reconciled if he thought you wanted it but never came back because either his pride or his belief you didn't want him kept him from doing so. The simple fact is, if it was important enough or he felt strongly enough, he'd have come back. Even then, when the marriage was over, he waited for you to put yourself out there and say you'd have taken him back, he never said it on his own. So, even when he wanted to (so he says), he just wasn't motivated to come back.

3. You confronted him about the affair, he didn't come clean about it. Which means, despite these feelings he had supposedly, he still chose to maintain the relationship he had pre and post divorce with another woman. And now we're supposed to believe he put this relationship on "hold" to pursue a relationship with you based on his word? And if we think about it, where he goes to another woman and says "I'm putting our relationship on hold because I want to work things out with my wife..." how likely does it seem that a woman would accept that a relationship was "on hold" pending the outcome of being with somebody else? Does that sound like anything a woman would agree to? But, again, more importantly... He didn't dump her. He said the relationship is merely paused, meaning he's not confident you can work it out and/or doesn't want to discontinue the relationship he's in. He is telling you that you are the test run, he has a backup ready to go... That is, if we are to believe the relationship is actually on hold...

Honestly, I'd say "thanks for the memories" and move on. He doesn't sound like he seriously wants to come back, and if he does, I wouldn't bet on him staying. If you're waiting to see if he'll fight for your marriage, which he ended, allowed to end, and chose to end by being in a relationship with somebody else while you were still married, you've gotten a pretty big "no, I won't" from him.

Besides which, your marriage is over. You're divorced. So hes not going to be fighting for your marriage. You're waiting for him to fight to restart a relationship, and you're getting a half-hearted effort at that. Cut your losses, and let him wiffle-waffle back and-forth on what he wants to do with his life while you move on.

 

[motherprayer]

Things to think about:

1. Relationships/marriages to the same person after a divorce have a higher fail rate then any other relationship. And there's a reason... The problems that existed previously will return and remind you why you divorced in the first place. Now I know you say you didn't want a divorce and so it's not an issue, but can the same be said for your husband? Once he returns to the relationship, will the issues that so bothered him before return and cause him to leave again? In all probability, we know the answer to this question...

2. Words are great, but actions speak louder... He says he'd have reconciled if he thought you wanted it but never came back because either his pride or his belief you didn't want him kept him from doing so. The simple fact is, if it was important enough or he felt strongly enough, he'd have come back. Even then, when the marriage was over, he waited for you to put yourself out there and say you'd have taken him back, he never said it on his own. So, even when he wanted to (so he says), he just wasn't motivated to come back.

3. You confronted him about the affair, he didn't come clean about it. Which means, despite these feelings he had supposedly, he still chose to maintain the relationship he had pre and post divorce with another woman. And now we're supposed to believe he put this relationship on "hold" to pursue a relationship with you based on his word? And if we think about it, where he goes to another woman and says "I'm putting our relationship on hold because I want to work things out with my wife..." how likely does it seem that a woman would accept that a relationship was "on hold" pending the outcome of being with somebody else? Does that sound like anything a woman would agree to? But, again, more importantly... He didn't dump her. He said the relationship is merely paused, meaning he's not confident you can work it out and/or doesn't want to discontinue the relationship he's in. He is telling you that you are the test run, he has a backup ready to go... That is, if we are to believe the relationship is actually on hold...

Honestly, I'd say "thanks for the memories" and move on. He doesn't sound like he seriously wants to come back, and if he does, I wouldn't bet on him staying. If you're waiting to see if he'll fight for your marriage, which he ended, allowed to end, and chose to end by being in a relationship with somebody else while you were still married, you've gotten a pretty big "no, I won't" from him.

Besides which, your marriage is over. You're divorced. So hes not going to be fighting for your marriage. You're waiting for him to fight to restart a relationship, and you're getting a half-hearted effort at that. Cut your losses, and let him wiffle-waffle back and-forth on what he wants to do with his life while you move on.

Do you believe in the power of Christ to restore marriages?

 

[Johnnz]

Do you believe in the power of Christ to restore marriages?

I can't answer for another person.

But we must be really well grounded in our decisions on such a matter as a broken marriage. Prayer is real, but we must never overlook the fact that Jesus cannot get through to some people in spite of his perfect love and wisdom. He was put to death by people who would not change. Nor did the Israelites respond well to God's love in the OT, in spite of many prophets reminding them to get back with their God.

John
NZ

 

[mandelduke]

True2theword I feel you are being quite direct with me.

I've already said divorce wasn't my choice so why are you condemning me?!

For he time I have decided to wait on God, I've pushed the door I shall now wait to see if hubby is willing to fight for our marriage

If you look back on my past post about he divorce you will see that hubby didn't treat me as a wife in many senses, P&E abuse, controlling behaviour, lies, probable adultery, selfishness, building a life for himself not me etc.

I am cautious ti make sure this is what God wants & not Satan tricking me into going back to the man God hasn't planned for me & who will stunt my growth in God

And you get the same, no win to say win!