Hi
@ryan_abc
Firstly, I'm so pleased to hear that you are now back on track to the Father and are reading His Word again! That's great news.
Secondly, thank you for your honesty in your post. It must have taken some bravery.
Now onto your questions...
I read verses in the Bible like "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind". If I'm being honest with myself (and I know God knows my heart); my love is not this strong - I would probably describe it as feeble. I acknowledge what Jesus dying on the cross means for us and I am appreciative, but I feel like my love and appreciation is inadequate. Perhaps my heart has been hardened after many years of sin. Is my situation normal? How can I learn to love and appreciate God/Jesus more?
How you're feeling is completely understandable. It sounds like your love has grown cold towards Him because of your absence - just as it would be towards someone you haven't seen for many years. However, the good news is that this will change! I speak after going through a very similar experience as you.
For now, know that love in the Bible is an active choice. Just as feeding someone hungry is an active step in love, so too is loving God.
You know He created you, everyone you love, the world you live in and the life you are living. Give Him gratitude for these things daily. Eventually, you will find that your love for Him will spiral almost out of control, as if you are overwhelmed by it and you will be at a loss of words to describe your love for Him.
This will come soon not necessarily right away. So, for now, just be grateful and humbly respect and honour Him - soberly and honestly. Then, the relationship between you two will soon grow and become very loving and intimate.
The Bible implies that we should fear God e.g. "the man who fears Him and does what is right is welcome to Him" and "fear him which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell". My mind goes through all sorts of 'what-if' scenarios e.g. what if my heart is so hardened that I'm unacceptable to God, what if I've committed some unforgivable sin... perhaps it's the Devil bullying me to feel despair - I don't know, but I do get moments of worry/fear/anxiety... Is this normal? How do I overcome this?
Yes, you should fear Yahweh, always. That is, a fear that respects Him - for who He is and the power He wields as the Creator.
Even now, as much as I love Yahweh with all my heart and He is my loving Father - I still fear Him, or rather, greatly respect Him with reverence. He is the Creator, He has standards, and He isn't playing games. Far too many get a bit too casual with God and make jokes about Him or speak casually concerning Him. That's not cool.
It may sound strange to you now but you can't truly love Him deeply until you first learn to fear Him. We can discuss that more another time if you wish as it's an interesting subject. But, if we don't, one day these words will makes sense to you.
But yes, all these "what if" scenarios in your head are normal. Is it the devil? I doubt it. I think it's far more likely to be you worrying and stressing out about getting this right. That's good. It shows you have a health respect for Him.
In time, as you find the narrow path, those worries will be replaced with confidence and peace. For now, be strong in heart and don't always doubt yourself - try to be objective.
I'm genuinely trying to live a more Godly life as one of God's children. When it comes to things like charity; one of the things I've been doing more of is giving money to the occasional homeless person I see. I do feel sorry for these people, but I ask myself; am I doing this out of genuine love and compassion for my fellow human being, or to win the approval of God... I do have empathy and compassion, but I'd definitely say the latter is a factor. Does this make me a bad person, or is it OK for God to be the reason for charity.
No, it doesn't make you bad person. I think it's the "fleshy" side of human nature to accuse ourselves of being secretly selfish whenever we act altruistically.
It's good to give to the poor. Continue to do so. Only be mindful not to tell anyone, even those close to you and even if it's only part of a bigger point you're making. Then, your conscience will be clear when those accusations arise again as you can respond "Yes, but no one knows I do these things but me and God, so how is it not genuine?"
And so what if you do it to win favour with God? Is that not a worthy goal as well as helping the poor? Therefore, if you wish to help the poor and win favour with God - you seek good things. If your son acted good both because he wanted to and in order to please you, would that disappoint you in anyway?
So don't stress about this but remember to keep your acts of charity as a secret between you and Him.
In Matthew there is the The Parable of the Talents. In this parable 'talents' refers to a sum of money, but it could also be interpreted as actual gifts/talents given to us by God e.g. good at public speaking, gifted at basketball etc. In some ways I think I'm gifted - probably not in the looks departments, but as a real example; I'm probably slightly above average in intelligence (sincerely not trying to brag). What would God be expecting with the talents He's given me? I've worked very hard at the things I'm good at to be successful both individually, as well as for the benefit of other people and/or groups. Is God just expecting us to make use of our talents in the world, or is He expecting something else e.g. good works for God, bringing/encouraging other people to God's family, etc.
I believe He absolutely expects us to use our talents or gifts in service for Him.
If you have above average intelligence, you will be of real benefit to the Kingdom in many ways. However, for now, you should effectively be on "sabbatical" whilst you dive into the Word and learn it.
You will indeed be called upon to serve. But you must train first. Perhaps use your gift to analyse and study the Word effectively and methodically so that when that time comes, you'll be prepared.
Again, first study the Word. This is very important. Else you may run off to serve but do so poorly, being unschooled in the Word.
What does discipleship mean? Are we expected to sell our property and give away all our possessions? IMO this would have been hard in Jesus` day, but would be even harder today... for me; I've got a career, wife, kids, etc. I'm probably considered wealthy in the sense that I have a good paying job, I live in a clean modern city in a first world country, etc; but I'm definitely not in the 1% - I have a mortgage and have to work to pay this and other bills like most other people, so that me and my family can get by. God is now my number #1 priority, and if he called me to do something I'd do it, but what is the expectation...
I would say that the heart behind discipleship is to be prepared to give it all up for Him if you necessary. That's not to say it will happen or that you need to sell your house. Rather, that nothing should come before God in your heart. Not a home, career, car, possession, spouse, child or family member. If Yahweh is to be your God, that means no one is to be above Him or come before Him in your life.
Practically speaking, discipleship is following in the steps of the Messiah and walking in His ways and by His words. He is our great Teacher who teaches us the ways of the Most High. Now, if Messiah happened to visit again and was in your town centre right now, I'm sure you'd run to Him barely grabbing your coat and keys on the way. With that same passion, follow Him today - seeking Him in prayer and in the Word. And to be His disciple means His words always are fact - above whatever you might hear from other teachers or in church. His words are truth and you can't go wrong by following them.
Sometimes I feel like I need guidance from the Holy Spirit. I was baptized as an infant, so I can't remember this occasion. I've never really experienced a moment of overwhelming love/joy, or any spiritual encounter. I've read about some of these testimonials (and there's many documented in the Bible e.g. in Acts) and I truly believe they do occur, but just not for me (so far). I don't expect this to happen to me, but is this type of thing something that most Christians get to experience?
It sounds like you have not been baptised in the Holy Spirit yet. When that happens, things become a lot easier and you will be filled with a great sense of peace and joy. Sure, you may still have bad days, but that deep anchor within, of peace and joy, will not leave you - providing you abide in Him.
Forget the infant baptism thing. It doesn't count. Some may contest, but it's not in Scripture.
So, first seek Water Baptism - but only do so if you REALLY are committed to walk this path. Again, only get baptised if you have fully committed your spirit into His Hands. IT sounds like you have reached this stage.
Thereafter, seek the baptism of the Holy Spirit. Seek this above all things. This isn't taught as much as it should be and some teach it just happens in background when you believe. That is not the case. It's a supernatural event and when it happens you will KNOW, you won't be left wondering if it has happened. Again, seek this baptism above ALL things. This is the moment of sealing you into the Kingdom of God. Then, an inner peace, joy and guidance will be given to you from Yahweh, through the Messiah, in the Spirit.
I hope that helps. I'm sorry that I rambled on.
May Yahweh guide your heart and steps towards all truth, wisdom and life, in the name of our Lord Yahushua (Jesus Christ)
PS. For more help with starting to read the Bible all the way through, see
this page here which will help you a lot.
Love & Shalom
