Rebuilding after affair.

[abacb07]

So here is my story.

I met my wife when I was 10, and she was 8. We have always been nearly inseparable, we had our on and offs, but most of the time was together. We started a family young, on accident, and she became pregnant at 16.

We married shortly after finding out about her being pregnant. We always felt we would eventually, but wanted to tie the not before having the child. We now have been married for 7 years, and have two beautiful young girls of ages 6 and 3. I have cherished every moment of our lives, and always felt that was where I needed to be.

I have struggled with and addiction to pornography for many years. I have always thought my wife was the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, but always yearned for a taste of something forbidden. I knew it hurt my wife, and I tried to stop many times, but would always find myself back in the same spot. Throughout the years my stress levels grew, and depression kicked in. Just worries about losing the house, which we have came close to many times and currently are in the same state, bills, work, etc. The pornography eventually led to more and more contact with people online, but never actually meeting anybody until about 6 months ago.

I started talking to someone online who was also married but not happy. I began to think myself that I was unhappy, and started to build a relationship with this other woman. It went entirely too far too fast, and we started seeing each other, kissing, and came close to intercourse once. I apologize for the graphic nature of this, but when I say close I mean I could not perform due to my wife being the only thing on my mind.

The wife eventually found out, and wanted to leave. She then decided she would give it a try and wanted to take me back. I had myself convinced I was unhappy and wasn't sure where I wanted to be and told her I didn't know. I spent the next day with her and found all the things that I initially fell in love with her in the first place. I knew what I wanted, and we attempted to make things work.

We were going well for about a month, then she found some other items on my phone from before the affair, that I was untruthful about and did not tell her. This was my mistake for not being honest, and now my family is paying for it.

She is at a point now she in unsure of our marriage, and recently began seeing a high school crush and has started a micro relationship with this man. No intercourse, but some physical contact. She is still unsure if it is me or him.

I want to fight for this marriage so bad, and want a new beginning between the two of us. I know the things I did was wrong, and I am feeling the same thing she did knowing she is seeing this other guy. She has promised multiple times she would cut it off with him and give herself time to think, but always seems to go back to talking with him.

I tend to try too hard at times to make this work, and am starting to push her away. I have talked to her dad about this situation, and with him being a Pastor he has showed both care for us, but has been stern as well. This has caused more issues with her, and feels like she is being ganged up on. I have since stopped talking with him, as I think I had the wrong intentions, and somewhere inside hoped he would talk her into staying with me.

I want to show her I still care, and I want our family to work. But I am stuck in a really hard place and don't know where to go. How do I win her back, if she is pushing me away and talking with the other guy. The words "I don't know if I want to stay with you" really tear me to the core right now.

I want for everything I have, for us, for the kids, for this to work. I am still madly in love with her, even more so than before.

I'm asking for guidance, I'm asking for prayers, I'm asking for peace.

 

[Autumnleaf]

I think its easier to start over than to try to fix it when respect is gone. But I could be wrong. I bet against myself sometimes if the odds are right.

 

[DZoolander]

Well, the nonsense you pulled with that other woman is going to be hard to get around.

The problem that you're facing though is that there's the perception of additional dishonesty about it exacerbating the whole affair thing. In your defense, however, I can see how at the time giving every excruciating detail might not have seemed like the prudent thing to do - while simply coming clean about the situation itself seemed most important.

...unless that's not what it was - and it's instead something akin to you talking to/being involved with even more women that's got her riled up. In that scenario - God help you - it ain't gonna go well...lol

If, however, it is just the one woman and you simply didn't feel like adding insult to injury by giving every last detail of what happened...you will at some point need to address that. I'd guess your best avenue for that would be to discuss whatever is going on with this other guy and her right now as an illustrative point...along the lines of "Yes, you've told me what's going on...but do you tell me every single thing that's happened? Probably not. Think about why you haven't. Same thing."

As for involving her dad in it - yeah - that was a mistake and was a wuss manoeuvre. Unfortunately, I don't see any way for you to backtrack out of that passive-aggressive attempt to use her father's position to compel her into staying with you. Her dad now knows what's going on, knows what role you play, knows what role the other guy plays, etc...and she's going to resent you for that. In the event that she WANTED to leave - this other guy forever is going to play the role of homewrecker in your FIL's eyes. You know it, you've closed that avenue for her, that's what you wanted/intended to do, and she knows it/will resent you for it.

So, yeah, you've got a messy situation on your hands.

 

[tall73]

Well this is a mess. But ultimately you have children, you have a marriage. And at least according to your faith icon you are a Christian. If your wife is also a Christian then the choices are rather simple. Faithfulness to God's commands or adultery. You seem to have broken off your relationship with this other woman, or at least that is implied. If you have not completely then that needs to happen now.

You have both already gone down the adultery course, sex or not. But going further is not the answer. You can both be forgiven and forgive each other, and many have done so. Try to get her to see a different Christian counselor who can work this through without the additional issues that would be there if it is her father.

I am praying for both of you to reconcile. You have said you still feel love for her. It is unclear whether she does for you or not. You could talk about it. But even if she does not, emotional feelings of love can be rebuilt. It is a matter of cutting off the current relationship. She can't rebuild feelings with you when she is experiencing the high of infatuation from a new love. That has to be ended, then rebuilding can re-start.

And even if you broke things off you may be dealing with feelings for this other person as well. It takes time to allow one's thinking to change.

I will pray for both of you and your marriage.

As for involving her dad in it - yeah - that was a mistake and was a wuss manoeuvre. Unfortunately, I don't see any way for you to backtrack out of that passive-aggressive attempt to use her father's position to compel her into staying with you. Her dad now knows what's going on, knows what role you play, knows what role the other guy plays, etc...and she's going to resent you for that. In the event that she WANTED to leave - this other guy forever is going to play the role of homewrecker in your FIL's eyes. You know it, you've closed that avenue for her, that's what you wanted/intended to do, and she knows it/will resent you for it.

So, yeah, you've got a messy situation on your hands.

I agree his decision to tell her father was not a good move as she would resent it. It is another breach of trust. It would have been better to talk to her directly about an independent counselor. On the other hand, there may be SOME benefit to it now that it is done. Her father would have figured it out eventually anyway if she went through with leaving for that guy. At least this way she is faced with the reality of what she is doing--destroying the family, bringing disgrace on herself, etc. sinning before God, etc. Explaining to your minister father why your wanting to be with someone other than your husband is likely a very awkward conversation. But that is nonetheless the truth of the situation, so making her face that is going to help her see the truth of her situation.

Of course, the husband did the same thing, so he is not in a great position to bring these points forward. But the more consequences they can see before they make the final decision the better. Adultery is a miserable experience, and folks are going to look at both of them negatively if this course persists. Having this out in the open helps them face the reality instead of just the perceived excitement of an affair.

A different counselor or minister could help a lot.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Asking for forgiveness and moving on is what is supposed to happen. If she won't do that its like her making you pay last months electric bill day after day after day. She becomes wrong.

 

[DZoolander]

Asking for forgiveness and moving on is what is supposed to happen. If she won't do that its like her making you pay last months electric bill day after day after day. She becomes wrong.

Agreed - however she doesn't appear to be saying that she's willing to grant forgiveness or wanting to stay with him.

You're not paying last month's electric bill day after day if they've cut service.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Agreed - however she doesn't appear to be saying that she's willing to grant forgiveness or wanting to stay with him.

You're not paying last month's electric bill day after day if they've cut service.

Sometimes men do choose to pay day after day even when they've cut service. Men with high self esteem don't usually do that, but others do.

 

[DZoolander]

Sometimes men do choose to pay day after day even when they've cut service. Men with high self esteem don't usually do that, but others do.

True that.

 

[.chrys.]

Instead of focusing on what she's now doing, or what role she has to play in this, focus only on what you have done and what you can do to rectify your marriage.

Admit to your wrongs.
Give full disclosure.
Share your passwords for all your accounts--even this one!
Keep nothing hidden.
Be a supportive husband.
Be a supportive father.
Be active in the marriage.
Refrain from sexual activity.
Respect her feelings, even if you don't understand them.
Ask for forgiveness.
Make no demands.
Make no ultimatums.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait.

 

[HannahT]

I have struggled with and addiction to pornography for many years.

This going to take a while to overcome as well. It could also turn into this circumstance happening all over again if it is not nipped in the bud.

Please work on you, and know that God has a plan for you with or without her.

 

[iLove]

It takes a spouse filled with the holy spirit and fire to say to him or her..."God loves you! And I find no fault in you!"

 

[tall73]

Instead of focusing on what she's now doing, or what role she has to play in this, focus only on what you have done and what you can do to rectify your marriage.

Admit to your wrongs.
Give full disclosure.
Share your passwords for all your accounts--even this one!
Keep nothing hidden.
Be a supportive husband.
Be a supportive father.
Be active in the marriage.
Refrain from sexual activity.
Respect her feelings, even if you don't understand them.
Ask for forgiveness.
Make no demands.
Make no ultimatums.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait.

Normally I would agree with this, but since she is also now in an adulterous relationship, not sure that is going to work quite the same.

 

[.chrys.]

I think it would work because each person has to deal with the change within themselves--not concentrate on changing the other person.

 

[tall73]

I think it would work because each person has to deal with the change within themselves--not concentrate on changing the other person.

You can't change the other person. But you can still appeal to the other person. While I agree that changing himself is primary, he also has to at least try to appeal to her to break off her own adulterous relationship.

If she is ultimately not willing that is her decision.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Honestly, what I think your relationship needs is good, solid, introspective thinking. There's so many life decisions being made on little-to-no thought and impulse... Porn addiction retreated back to on impulse, affair started on impulse, suddenly feeling like you don't like your marriage on impulse, her wanting to leave on impulse after finding out about the affair, you deciding that you really aren't miserable in your marriage after one day... It's like a series of choices make you guys and you guys don't actually make a series of choices yourself. There's so much reacting to the situation that I wonder if anybody has had time to think about it. No wonder there's no feeling of stability and consistancy... And it makes me worry about the kids and what they're seeing and feeling in this period of instability.

That said, if she has thought about it and decided that between the porn, your affair, and then your continuing to lie about it afterwards that she's had enough... And a lot of women would say "enough" after all of that too... Then maybe you need to start realizing that you wrote a check that she's now cashing on... Years of demonstrated lack of concern over her feelings isn't wiped away by your come to Jesus moment created by her leaving. It could very easily be a case of too little, too late. Honestly, I wonder if the only reason she's not pulled the trigger and said "I'm done" is because she doesn't know how to go about ending it without hurting you. Her actions seem to indicate she's quite done.

At this point, if you still want in then the best you can do is wait for her to tell you she doesn't. You can set all the deadlines, ultimatums, and demands you want, tell her to stop talking to him, spend time with you, work on your marriage, etc etc etc but in the end, don't be shocked if she doesn't. Partly because it sounds like her foot is out the door already and partly because of years of not caring at all about sanctifying your marriage in her eyes you can't expect that she'll want to now go back to something she may legitimately feel you never checked into until it looked like she was done.

 

[DZoolander]

I've got a feeling the father probably has a lot more to do with it than her worrying about hurting the husband's feelings.

...which is probably why the guy has started trying to lobby the father.

 

[Inkachu]

You guys need professional marital counseling. ASAP. Like yesterday. Seriously, please find someone and get an appointment immediately. You've got betrayal and infidelity on both sides, and this family will NOT survive without serious intervention.

 

[Odetta]

You wife is making bad choices, but gee, look at the example you set. And bad move involving the father. You are not in a position to judge her or ask other people to judge her.

What y'all need is marriage counseling. If you want forgiveness, you need to set the example by forgiving her and being humble about your recurrent failings.

 

[DZoolander]

Well - the elephant in the room that nobody really has addressed yet is that most likely one (if not both of them) are at the very least wishing they had not made the decisions they had/that they had dated other people/that they had not hooked up with/married someone they'd known since 10 years old.

I'm always very leery of relationships that begin at an early age (and by that I mean in your teen years)...but that's almost taking it to a whole new level of being egregiously problematic...and I ain't exactly sure how to get around that one. Sure - you can go to counselling/etc...but how do you get around the subtle feeling held that the whole thing is just a circumstantial mistake?

...and prevent that from rearing it's head again in the future?

 

[Inkachu]

Ezoo - he sounds like he's loved this girl steadily their whole lives. I don't doubt his sincerity in that. Yes, they were very young when she got pregnant and they got married, and that undoubtedly plays a role in the lack of maturity in some of the decisions they've made. But it doesn't make me doubt his love for her or his desire to remain in the marriage.