Really Struggling

[aangel]

I'm still really distressed about the thoughts. I don't want to be the monster the thoughts try to depict me as. I keep telling myself the thoughts aren't mine but I don't feel any relief. I've cried out God but nothing's changed. I still can't tell anyone. I hate this. I want help but I can't seem to force myself to get it. I don't know what's wrong with me that I've chosen to drown instead of getting in the lifeboat. I keep praying for God's strength and for his help. I asked him to send me encouraging testimonies something I can cling to. I feel like I'm losing it and sometimes it feels like I'm not upset enough about a thought. I feel confused. I don't feel right if that makes any sense. Where is God? I'm tired of feelings alone. I can't stay like this forever I'm barely functioning I don't make a good adult. I live with my mother and younger sister I have no skills to take care of myself. I'm so consumed by these thoughts I can't focus on important things. There's no room. This isn't a life. I feel like I'm dying sometimes.

 

[joshua 1 9]

I'm still really distressed about the thoughts. I don't want to be the monster the thoughts try to depict me as. I keep telling myself the thoughts aren't mine but I don't feel any relief. I've cried out God but nothing's changed. I still can't tell anyone. I hate this. I want help but I can't seem to force myself to get it. I don't know what's wrong with me that I've chosen to drown instead of getting in the lifeboat. I keep praying for God's strength and for his help. I asked him to send me encouraging testimonies something I can cling to. I feel like I'm losing it and sometimes it's feels like I'm not upset enough about a thought. I feel confused. I don't feel right if that makes any sense. Where is God? I'm tired of feelings alone. I can't stay like this forever I'm barely functioning I don't make a good adult. I live with my mother and younger sister I have no skills to take care of myself. I'm so consumed by these thoughts I can't focus on important things. There's no room. This isn't a life. I feel like I'm dying sometimes.

We need to die to self so we can live for God. These sort of mind battles are not unusual at all. You need to get some help from someone like Joyce Meyer. She tries to help people deal with this. We need to be cleansed in the Blood of Jesus. We need to put on the Mind of Christ and think the Divine thoughts of God. If you are not able to overcome on your own then you need a good church family that can join together with you in agreement to help you overcome the mind battles that you are dealing with. I attended a church once the pastor preached over 300 sermons on different things in the Bible that make up the mind of Christ. Having compassion for example is a part of the mind of Christ. There are the fruits of the Spirit that the Holy Spirit is working to develop in us. There are scriptures, promises from the word of God we can pray and mediate on and ask God to do the work He is wanting to do in our lives. Of course the enemy fights us with mind battles, but we are more then a conquer, we are more then overcomes. IN Christ we can not be defeated. The battle belongs to the Lord and in Him we have our victory. Those who wait on the Lord will not be disappointed. There are some good teachings on YouTube that can help.

 

[LaSorcia]

Praying for you and your struggles. Overcoming OCD might seem impossible, but I have seen it happen. This is meant to be encouraging, not to say that you aren't handling it right.

Here are some book resources, maybe there might be one that really helps? If you can't afford them, there might be some at the library?

Amazon.com: overcoming ocd

 

[Poppyseed78]

Praying that God grants you comfort and relief from your struggles.

 

[Kiterius]

I'm still really distressed about the thoughts. I don't want to be the monster the thoughts try to depict me as. I keep telling myself the thoughts aren't mine but I don't feel any relief. I've cried out God but nothing's changed. I still can't tell anyone. I hate this. I want help but I can't seem to force myself to get it. I don't know what's wrong with me that I've chosen to drown instead of getting in the lifeboat. I keep praying for God's strength and for his help. I asked him to send me encouraging testimonies something I can cling to. I feel like I'm losing it and sometimes it's feels like I'm not upset enough about a thought. I feel confused. I don't feel right if that makes any sense. Where is God? I'm tired of feelings alone. I can't stay like this forever I'm barely functioning I don't make a good adult. I live with my mother and younger sister I have no skills to take care of myself. I'm so consumed by these thoughts I can't focus on important things. There's no room. This isn't a life. I feel like I'm dying sometimes.

Ugh, I know what those thoughts are like. Please know that, as you said, you are not the monster your thoughts may claim you to be. You are a dear and precious child of God - created in his image. Indeed, it's OCD that's the monster - spewing up evil thoughts. Praying for you. Ignore the thoughts as best you can and know that God loves you.

 

[Griswold]

I'm still really distressed about the thoughts. I don't want to be the monster the thoughts try to depict me as. I keep telling myself the thoughts aren't mine but I don't feel any relief. I've cried out God but nothing's changed. I still can't tell anyone. I hate this. I want help but I can't seem to force myself to get it. I don't know what's wrong with me that I've chosen to drown instead of getting in the lifeboat. I keep praying for God's strength and for his help. I asked him to send me encouraging testimonies something I can cling to. I feel like I'm losing it and sometimes it's feels like I'm not upset enough about a thought. I feel confused. I don't feel right if that makes any sense. Where is God? I'm tired of feelings alone. I can't stay like this forever I'm barely functioning I don't make a good adult. I live with my mother and younger sister I have no skills to take care of myself. I'm so consumed by these thoughts I can't focus on important things. There's no room. This isn't a life. I feel like I'm dying sometimes.

By now you've likely seen other posts in this forum of people struggling in the same way you are struggling. So please understand you are not alone. Also, and I know this is hard to see when you are in the battle, but God is not aloof. He knows exactly what you are going through and He is 100% confident in what He's doing on your behalf and will accomplish His perfect and good will.

You mentioned before that the thoughts are terrible yet you've never acted on them (I know you are scared you will). This is a staple of those with OCD. What does this mean? It means the thoughts are not you! With OCD you'll likely fear more that you will act on them but acting is determined by the will of a person and the will of a person is always in subjection to who they are (Matthew 7:15-18) and you are not your intrusive thoughts. Your intrusive thoughts are a by-product of damage done to the flesh side of you (Romans 7:24). The flesh side of you is not you, you are a new creature in Jesus Christ! (2 Corinthians 5:17). So future thoughts will come, I know you don't want them too but they will. Know they are not you!

Barely functioning...I remember once when I was bundled up in a blanket, lying on a couch head covered unable to function and I asked my mother-in-law and wife to stop watching a movie called Finding Nemo...a kids movie! Why? Because I couldn't emotionally handle it. I was tapped out because of the inner turmoil going on. I was so emotionally exhausted that I couldn't handle the mere drama a simple kids movie like Finding Nemo produced. I used to go over to my mother-in-law's every night, though they lived in another town, because she was a very loving Christian and I was looking for any solace I could. I lost almost 20 pounds not because I was trying too but because fear replaced appetite. I heard somewhere that exercise used to help alleviate fear and anxiety, not knowing what was going on within myself I was willing to try anything. If I may show myself vulnerable for a moment, while I was at work, when the thoughts were overwhelming, I used to take off from my job in my uniform and jog around my work... Not because I wanted to exercise but because I was desperate for anything to free me from my inner turmoil. Some people probably thought I was nuts but I wanted to be free so bad, in my desperation, I didn't care. I did this several times a day...You are not alone.

 

[aangel]

Thanks for the responses. I'm still a little sad but I'm trying to hope even for the tiniest thing. I haven't been able to do much. I cooked Christmas dinner but other than that I laze around the house not knowing what do. I feel so inadequate and fearful. My motivation plummeted a lot this year. I haven't been able to keep up with a daily devotional. It's like that with a lot of things like exercising regularly, playing piano and journaling to God. I only do it for a little while. I can't seem to make long-term productive habits. I used to love reading for leisure but I haven't been able to finish a book in months and a few years ago I read sixty books in a year.

I haven't tried reading the bible in a while since it was causing more intrusive thoughts but I've finally been able to listen to sermons. So I've been listening to those over and over again. I just feel so ashamed of the thoughts. I keep wishing for the day when it will finally sink in that these thoughts have never been me and I'm not dangerous. I worry that this will be secret forever and I'll never feel comfortable enough to confide in anybody. I want somebody to know but I'd hate it if they misunderstand me. I don't want to lose their love. Ugh had another I another intrusive thought while typing this about loving myself even if I was a monster. It made me sick I can't consider such a thing it's not me. I need a word from God. I'm back to feeling weird. I never want to call these thoughts mine.

 

[Danielle Phongsay]

You are not alone! I'm going through the same thing! It's just awful but no matter what we need to stick to Jesus more than ever. God loves us and gave of Jesus and he is so much more than these intrusive thoughts. I will be praying for all my brothers and sisters going through this. I hope you are doing much better. Pray for me I need all the prayers I can get. Stay strong in Jesus