Really struggling (Trigger Warning)

[Exodus1513]

When I try to sleep I have nightmares. When I am awake I relive what happened. There's no happy medium and the medications my psychiatrist has me on are seemingly useless.

I cannot help but remember details I had blocked out at the time, but are now no longer repressed and are coming back like a semi in a school zone.

Has anyone else had an assault they repressed at the time or disocciated from only to come back and have it flood back to you later in full-force?

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

Hi Exodus...welcome to this part of the forum *hug* (safe hug, if that's ok?). I can't imagine the pain you must be going through at the moment, but what you described is a way your mind copes with the trauma of what happens and is a way many survivors cope. The memories generally start to come back when your mind feels it's safe to start letting them back in - that doesn't mean you want to remember them or that they're not painful, but to heal them they are ones you need to work through.

You mentioned you're seeing a psychiatrist...are they trying other ways to help you with the flashbacks and nightmares as well as medications? As well, do you have any close/trusted friends or family who might be able to support you while you're going through it?

 

[Exodus1513]

Hi BC,

Hugs are always welcome. Yes, the psychiatrist is one of several mental health professionals I am working with and they are trying a variety of methods and psychotherapy to get me through this and work through it. I do have close, trusted friends, mostly online (albeit several are online that I know originally from IRL), so it's not like I can go to them when I am upset and physically have someone there, which I think would make a lot of difference. My husband is VERY supportive but it's still extremely hard with everything coming back at once. It stated in July with flashbacks I was aware of and led into an entirely different realm all together.

 

[Criada]

I know how helpless it makes you feel when you can't control your mind!
One thing that helps me is to write down the memories as they come back, and then destroy the paper...
I think, maybe, we need to deal with all the memories.. one day they will all be 'out' and there will be nothing more to be scared of....

Praying for you, and here if you need to talk.

 

[Harmonious_Echo]

Exodus,
I've had that "forgetting things and having them flood back on me" thing happen many times. It can be like getting hit with that semi you spoke of...I know.
My arms are open (in a virtual sense), and if you need someone to chat with, about anything, even if you just want someone to tell how your day is going, I'm here.
I hope you hare finding some comfort, whether it's here or somewhere else. And I'll pray for you, too. God is the best friend you can have, in a time like this...
Harmony

 

[Ariel]

When I try to sleep I have nightmares. When I am awake I relive what happened. There's no happy medium and the medications my psychiatrist has me on are seemingly useless.

I cannot help but remember details I had blocked out at the time, but are now no longer repressed and are coming back like a semi in a school zone.

Has anyone else had an assault they repressed at the time or disocciated from only to come back and have it flood back to you later in full-force?

Yes. I had severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. That is one of the symptoms--flashbacks which can be so real that you are hearing/smelling/tasting, and above all feeling the event all over again. The hallmark is the terror--that seems to be the mechanism that caused you to "forget" these memories in the first place. But when you start remembering, the terror comes back, and you are that victim, terrified all over again.

You can get well. Basically, you learn to face those memories down.

I called my memories dragons. I had hidden them in dark places, "closets" in my mind, but they wouldn't stay put. They came out in nightmares and flashbacks.

The way to get rid of a dragon is to face it. Bring it out into the light. Label it. Judge it. Get angry. Process the anger/terror/grief/hatred. Eventually forgive and give it to God. Dragons shrink in the light, but it takes a lot of courage to drag them into the light.

You can, though. You have what it takes to face those dragons down.

 

[Johnnz]

That's common and OK (horrible though). They arise from real experiences and real pains that have lain dormant until now. Drugs aren't the answer. As you look at and deal with specific incidents they will become less fearful and recurrent.

Better in than out.

John
NZ