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Really Funny Clean Jokes
- Thread starter All4THALORD
- Start date
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet. "Let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What! Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet. "Let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What! Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."
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Miscellaneous
Is that seat saved? No, but we're praying for it!
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound?
If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?
Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?
If Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?
Why is the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star the same tune?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Baroque (adj.): When you are out of Monet.
Be bold in what you stand for; be careful in what you fall for.
Dear Jesus,
Please help Mommy and Daddy. Take care of Brother and Me. And please God, take care of yourself cause if anything happens to you we are in big trouble. Amen
Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills . . .Making the last car payment
A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain...
If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.
Toilet stolen from police station. Cops have nothing to go on
I am reading a very interesting book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
An archeologist is a person whose career lies in ruins!
I lent a man $5,000 for plastic surgery. He never paid me back and now I don't know what he looks like!
7/5th of all people do not understand fractions
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
How do "Do not walk on the grass" signs get there?
Is that seat saved? No, but we're praying for it!
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound?
If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?
Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?
If Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?
Why is the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star the same tune?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Baroque (adj.): When you are out of Monet.
Be bold in what you stand for; be careful in what you fall for.
Dear Jesus,
Please help Mommy and Daddy. Take care of Brother and Me. And please God, take care of yourself cause if anything happens to you we are in big trouble. Amen
Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills . . .Making the last car payment
A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain...
If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.
Toilet stolen from police station. Cops have nothing to go on
I am reading a very interesting book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
An archeologist is a person whose career lies in ruins!
I lent a man $5,000 for plastic surgery. He never paid me back and now I don't know what he looks like!
7/5th of all people do not understand fractions
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
How do "Do not walk on the grass" signs get there?
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That's good!All4one said:Neurotics build air castles. Psychotics live in them... Psychiatrists collect the rent!
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Probably the last completely accurate wheather forcast was when God told Noah there would be a 100% chance of rain.
A tourist was introduced to an indian in New Mexico who was said to have perfect memory. Skeptical the tourist asked, " what did you have fore breakfast on September 10th 1943?" The Indian answered, "Eggs." The man scoffed," everyone eats eggs, he is a phony. Thirteen years later the train stopped again in the small New Mexico town, and he saw the same indian sitting on the train platform. The tourist walked up to him and said jovially, "How!"
The indian answered "scrambled!"
A tourist was introduced to an indian in New Mexico who was said to have perfect memory. Skeptical the tourist asked, " what did you have fore breakfast on September 10th 1943?" The Indian answered, "Eggs." The man scoffed," everyone eats eggs, he is a phony. Thirteen years later the train stopped again in the small New Mexico town, and he saw the same indian sitting on the train platform. The tourist walked up to him and said jovially, "How!"
The indian answered "scrambled!"
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An elderly husband and wife noticed they were beginning to forget little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous so they decided to go see a doctor to get some help.
Their doctor told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. This seemed like an excellent idea.
When they got home, the wife said, "Honey, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? Why don't you write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"
"I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget."
"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!"
"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.
"No problem, ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."
With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans and making lots of noise. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.
Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "Where's the toast?"
Their doctor told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. This seemed like an excellent idea.
When they got home, the wife said, "Honey, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? Why don't you write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"
"I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget."
"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!"
"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.
"No problem, ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."
With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans and making lots of noise. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.
Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "Where's the toast?"
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Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there under the shade tree?"
"I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him." So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "why are we digging in the hot sun and you are standing in the shade?"
"intelligence," the boss said.
"What do you mean, 'intelligence'?"
The boss said," well, i'll show you. I'll put my fist on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditchdigger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditchdigger hit the tree. The boss said, "thats intelligence!"
The ditchdigger went back to his hole. His friend asked," what did he say?"
"He said we are down here because of intelligence."
"What's intelligence?" asked the friend.
The ditchdigger put his hand on his face and said, "take your shovel and hit my hand."
"I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him." So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "why are we digging in the hot sun and you are standing in the shade?"
"intelligence," the boss said.
"What do you mean, 'intelligence'?"
The boss said," well, i'll show you. I'll put my fist on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditchdigger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditchdigger hit the tree. The boss said, "thats intelligence!"
The ditchdigger went back to his hole. His friend asked," what did he say?"
"He said we are down here because of intelligence."
"What's intelligence?" asked the friend.
The ditchdigger put his hand on his face and said, "take your shovel and hit my hand."
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Woman of Faith
...by faith I am saved.
- Jul 16, 2004
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Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To put out forest fires.
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Why do elephants have flat feet?
To put out burning ducks.
To put out forest fires.
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Why do elephants have flat feet?
To put out burning ducks.
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