Really Embarrassing Moment.....

[Hermit7]

This is a really embarrassing thing that just happened to me.

I suffer from religious OCD and one of the major things that plague me is the fear of "dealing" away my salvation. This is exasperated all the more whenever I sin because of all the shame I feel. And it's hard, cause I feel that I can't help but sin every now and then because of my own nature.

And, on top of that, I suffer from a psycho-sexual fear towards my own father (it's difficult to explain, so I'll just leave it at that).

Basically, I was masturbating and at the point of climax, I had a thought in my mind that I had a choice between "giving in" to that psycho-sexual fear that I had or dealing away my salvation to avoid it.

At that split second, I chose the latter and after the "act" was done, I felt so miserable and ashamed.

I prayed to God for forgiveness for all my sins (including the sin of lust and the supposed "exchange" that I made). But I still feel as bad as Peter felt when he denied Christ. Did I just lose my salvation? Did I just really just traded it away?

-Hermit

p.s. I do believe in once saved always saved. But I just feel...scared...

 

[canamer]

*

 

[Hermit7]

Thanks canamer. What you said really helps me.

And I'm ashamed to say that this incident (well, very similar to it except for the content of the thought) happened again to me today.

I don't know why my mind does this to me. Is this really because I hate God and His salvation deep down and don't really "acknowledge" it? Is it because I just feel really guilty after doing the "act" and feel that I'm not worthy of salvation? And again, after doing this "thing" to God again, am I still saved?

What's wrong with me? God help me.

 

[stephr13]

you are connecting meanings and deeprooted issues together to things that are just simply thoughts that go through your cautioned, analytical mind, these things are not truly attached but ocd causes these issues to seem intertwined,

 

[stephr13]

please message me. i SO relate to your post.

 

[stephr13]

so encouraging. thank you for sharing

 

[stephr13]

there is a lot of anxiety and fear in any aspect of ocd.

 

[stephr13]

very encouraging

 

[stephr13]

keep messages coming please.

 

[raven1]

I have had this same exact thing happened to me to hermit. What canamer said is exactly right I think. I actually had this probelm alot before but now issues have changed. p.m. me if you want.