ready to let go...I think

[tgc2006]

I figured I should just jump in with my story, so here's the reader's digest version: I've been married for 8 years and separated for 2. my husband filed for divorce so we're currently going through that, too. we have a 6-year-old and 4-year-old. the entire time I've been praying for and (mostly) believing that The Lord will restore us--even after I found out about the other woman early this year. (and my husband's relationship with her began almost a year before we separated. he traveled a lot and I, foolishly, never suspected.) we had a short-lived false start earlier this year, followed by a lot of drama and silliness on both our parts.

I believe in the lifelong covenant of marriage, and I believe that God WANTS to reconcile husbands and wives...but I'm tired. I'm really, really tired and really hurt and I just don't think I can do this anymore. after telling me that he broke things off with her, I have reason to believe my husband is still with the OW. and when we talk, he continues to say the meanest, most belittling things to me. and while I keep trying to take it one day at a time, and keep my focus on God, I look back over the last 2 years and see nothing but my wasted time and additional heartache. I'm not getting any younger (I recently turned 32) and I'm really tired of parenting alone, and being alone in general. I used to be so sure that The Lord was leading me to stand for my marriage, now I'm not so sure. I wonder if I've wasted 2 years of my life, waiting for something that's never going to happen, and someone who is never going to change.

 

[DZoolander]

The whole "God can change hearts" thing has never made sense to me - as it kind of implies that God will trump free will. I do not believe that any amount of praying or wanting, on your part, will compel God to over-ride someone's free will and God given right to choose to be a jerk. I think God gives you the tools to change your heart - but only if it comes from within you.

So, in essence, you're right. I don't think it's been God that's been leading you to want to restore your marriage. That's come from you - and you've simply been hoping that your ex-hubby might feel the same way. Looks like he doesn't - and you have simply been wasting your time.

 

[twinmama85]

Op I know what you're talking about, I've read those websites and even tried to stand for my marriage as we. I have to say that ive only been dealing with this since Aug, but I understand what you are saying/trying to do. I'm actually in the process of letting go as well, 7 years of marriage and twin boys to boot. Ive seeked counsel from my chaplain and honestly, I'm giving myself permission to let go (he filed divorce on nov 27)so I did everything humanly possible to save it, as I'm sure you have. One thing that may bring youn comfort that brought me comfort is God will bring justice upon you husband. He will not abandon you and your children and then be blessed by that. So miss lady, get yourself legally squared away, file child suppory and alimony, focus on being am awesome mommy to your babies (which i know u r) and (hopefully u have a job) focus on building your career so you can support yourself and your babies. Our situations are so similar (I'm 27 and my husband is 28 with a 21 yr old "friend") that if you ever want to talk with me, feel free to leave a private message. God bless, ill pray for you.

Oh yeah, something my chaplain said that helped clear my mind regarding restoration and prayer...let your pastor and others pray for the restoration and change of heart, you pray for stregnth to deal with the reprecussions of his choices. I wrote a list of things that tell me its over, #1 he abandoned me. The only thing that will save my marriage is an act of God, I know God can but its my husbands choice to listen oe ignore God. Focus youself on God, your babies, and pray for the stregnth to move on.

 

[Phanuel]

Hi dear, you're not alone. I have similar issue. My husband filed for divorce as well, in 3 months time if nothing right happens, we'll be officially divorced. I've sought for help from various churches to pray for marriage restoration. For 4 years I've been praying for my husband to return to me & our child but nothing worked. My father-in-law (a pastor) actually insisted on the divorce and asked 3 other pastors from different churches to persuade me to divorce my husband as he was constantly cheating on me & wants me to keep silent about it. I'm not allowed to tell anyone about it as it will tarnish my father-in-law's reputation. I was threatened that I will lose custody of my child if I do that. To most of the church members my husband is still 'single & available'. Those who knew about our marriage were forced to keep silence & will lose their position in church if they speak up for me.
So don't grief too much. Don't rely on churches or depend on others to help you either. Focus on moving on without your husband. Focus on your children. Pray for grace to embrace single parenting & wisdom in guiding your children.

 

[minique]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I've been through a similar situation. Because of God's grace, I'm an abuse SURVIVOR. You mentioned that you feel like you are wasting time and years. This passage helped me to put that whole issue of "time" into perspective.

Then he told this parable: “A man had a fig tree, planted in his vineyard, and he went to look for fruit on it, but did not find any. So he said to the man who took care of the vineyard, ‘For three years now I’ve been coming to look for fruit on this fig tree and haven’t found any. Cut it down! Why should it use up the soil?’ “‘Sir,’ the man replied, ‘leave it alone for one more year, and I’ll dig around it and fertilize it. If it bears fruit next year, fine! If not, then cut it down.’” Luke 13:6-8

That verse really struck me doing my trial and tribulation. I'm not going try to tell you what you should think about this verse. I'll allow the Holy Spirit to do that. However, this verse really helped me put the whole "time" and "productivity" elements into perspective.

Keep looking up because only God can sustain you during the hardship you face.

 

[tgc2006]

Thank you for your responses. EZoolander, I, too, struggle with the issue of whether or not God changes hearts, and how free will plays into it all. TwinMama85 and Phanuel, I'm so sorry that you both (and your children!) are in similar situations. In the case of divorce and separation I can wholeheartedly say that misery does NOT love company; my heart hurts whenever I hear of another broken family/marriage. I will remember you both in my prayers.

And, Minique, thank you especially for sharing that parable with me. It gave me just the perspective I needed right now. I truly appreciate it.