- Dec 8, 2004
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No idea how much sense this will make to anyone, or what i'm really after. Maybe some advice, or maybe someone just to get beside me and say, "it's ok, i know how it feels, your not crazy". Who knows.
Things have been pretty whacked out in my life for the last 4 years. I've gone from being an A grade student, to a college dropout in the space of two years. I've moved out from a mentally abusive home and into my dads place where i'm loved beyond belief and have a step mum (to be) who's my best friend and mum all rolled into one. I have a boyfriend of two years. So in some ways, my life should be fantastic, but to go from being someone who achieves at college to having that thrown upside down is pretty nuts.
My step mums bipolar. She's known me nearly two years now, and in those two years, she's noticed how whacked out my moods get. So's my boyfriend. And his mum. So i asked the psychotherapist i was seeing to refer me to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist has an issue against me because my group therapist rung her and got on her back because i nearly killed myself while on the waiting list as they didn't see me as a priority and i was in a pretty bad way. She denied anything was wrong. Tried me on Sertraline and it just made me scarily hyper, so she took me off it and said there was nothing wrong with me.
My moods are really out of control. Some days i'm fine. Those days are rare. Other days i'm so low i can't see the point in breathing. Everywhere i look i see a way to kill myself. I don't care about anyone or anything except dying. When I dont care about dying, i care about sleeping, and will sleep 21 hours a day. It's all my boyfriend can do to wake me up and get food into me, and that ends up with me eating a few mouthfulls to get him off my back so i can sleep. I don't want to eat, I dont want to breathe, I just want to die. It's awful. And when I'm up it's insane. I want to do damn stupid things like go to clubs and dance topless. I'm a modest, shy person, who hates people. But i want to be at college with all my friends, going out, being around people as much as possible. I get into a blind rage about some of the stupdiest of things. I have so much energy that i can't keep still, i feel like i'm going to crawl out of my skin if i'm not doing something or moving around. I start to see things. I get crazy ideas and spend all my money, and then get into a rage at whoever stops me spending or tries to reason with my ideas.
Generally my moods switch every few weeks, but I only get a few days of normality in between. Recently my moods have been switching between sky high and rock bottom in 24 to 48 hours. which is really whacked out. And damn right terrorfying.
I'm scared of myself. Can anyone relate to that? Being scared of yourself, of what your head is going to make you feel or do next.
I reached for help and i got nothing. My step mum wants me to get a second opinion, as she really believes I'm bipolar. But I just feel like i'm going crazy. Maybe I am.
Hmm, and this has really turned into a ramble. Sorry!
Things have been pretty whacked out in my life for the last 4 years. I've gone from being an A grade student, to a college dropout in the space of two years. I've moved out from a mentally abusive home and into my dads place where i'm loved beyond belief and have a step mum (to be) who's my best friend and mum all rolled into one. I have a boyfriend of two years. So in some ways, my life should be fantastic, but to go from being someone who achieves at college to having that thrown upside down is pretty nuts.
My step mums bipolar. She's known me nearly two years now, and in those two years, she's noticed how whacked out my moods get. So's my boyfriend. And his mum. So i asked the psychotherapist i was seeing to refer me to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist has an issue against me because my group therapist rung her and got on her back because i nearly killed myself while on the waiting list as they didn't see me as a priority and i was in a pretty bad way. She denied anything was wrong. Tried me on Sertraline and it just made me scarily hyper, so she took me off it and said there was nothing wrong with me.
My moods are really out of control. Some days i'm fine. Those days are rare. Other days i'm so low i can't see the point in breathing. Everywhere i look i see a way to kill myself. I don't care about anyone or anything except dying. When I dont care about dying, i care about sleeping, and will sleep 21 hours a day. It's all my boyfriend can do to wake me up and get food into me, and that ends up with me eating a few mouthfulls to get him off my back so i can sleep. I don't want to eat, I dont want to breathe, I just want to die. It's awful. And when I'm up it's insane. I want to do damn stupid things like go to clubs and dance topless. I'm a modest, shy person, who hates people. But i want to be at college with all my friends, going out, being around people as much as possible. I get into a blind rage about some of the stupdiest of things. I have so much energy that i can't keep still, i feel like i'm going to crawl out of my skin if i'm not doing something or moving around. I start to see things. I get crazy ideas and spend all my money, and then get into a rage at whoever stops me spending or tries to reason with my ideas.
Generally my moods switch every few weeks, but I only get a few days of normality in between. Recently my moods have been switching between sky high and rock bottom in 24 to 48 hours. which is really whacked out. And damn right terrorfying.
I'm scared of myself. Can anyone relate to that? Being scared of yourself, of what your head is going to make you feel or do next.
I reached for help and i got nothing. My step mum wants me to get a second opinion, as she really believes I'm bipolar. But I just feel like i'm going crazy. Maybe I am.
Hmm, and this has really turned into a ramble. Sorry!
