Question

[gracealone]

Hey Tyield,
I'm assuming that you're coming at this question from within the disorder of OCD.
OCD not only sends us false signals of intense fear in regard to many things it also will often demand as "proof" some sort of internal emotional evidence as a measure of whether the content of our obsessional themes are true or not.
We begin to scrutinize our emotional responses. For example, I don't feel my faith, I'm not sure I feel remorseful over my sin, I don't feel connected to God or inclined toward affection for Him - I feel numb to Him, I don't feel reassured, I don't feel joyful about my salvation...etc. Then when we begin to search for or muster up these feelings we find that all these emotions seem to have flown the coop. The intensity of our search and our freaking out over the our inability to detect these emotional responses makes it impossible for them to naturally occur. In these instances the emotion of fear takes center stage and it becomes the only emotion that is naturally occuring. The fear can become so large and looming that it shoves out all the others. Depression will also often accompany it as we despair over our inability to get out of such a seemingly endless and painful cycle.
The emotions that I mentioned above are not things that we search for or muster up - they must occur naturally and when they do we don't sit around admiring them or measuring the level to which we feel them. If we start to do that, they will seem to flee from us.
I remember when I was in a bad OCD flare and met my new grandson for the very first time. The instinctive fear of my OCD had robbed me of many of my more pleasant emotions. I felt numb toward the baby and the fact that I felt that way totally freaked me out. "What kind of a twisted jerk wouldn't automatically feel love for their newborn grandson!!??" So then I attempted to muster up those feelings but the harder I tried the more aware I became of their absense which freaked me out all the more.
This is the kind of thing OCD does to us.
Later on when my OCD had settled down a bit I was able to just ignore the demand for inner emotional validation of my love for my grandson. When I let go of looking for it, it began to occur naturally and it grew and grew over time without my even being aware of it happening.
We have to be very careful not to measure God's work on our behalf by the faulty signals of our emotions. Most especially if we are afflicted with OCD or any other anxiety disorder. We must continually remember that "If our heart condemns us - God is greater than our heart." His "otherness" must ever be kept in mind.
Praying for you.
Mitzi

Yes I am talking about myself and yes I am having trouble feeling sorry for my sins. It's like the feeling of guilt has left me which has made me think I don't have the HS anymore which has led to the loss of my conscience.

 

[Caty]

okay, if i get what you are saying the full payment of sin is there. Okay, then why isn't full forgiveness there. & if all sins are the same in God's eyes then why is one bad enough to be unforgiveable?? If I could get those questions answered, but I don't want to be disrespecting God by questions. ugh,confused.

 

[tyield1102]

Thank you Gracealone for your post, it has really helped me. I didn't even realize that could happen. With me I started to search for guilt when I did things and like you said in your post it flew the coop. For me with my OCD my feelings of guilt turned to anger when I had thoughts I didn't want which made me wonder why I wasn't feeling guilt and when I thought things I would wait for the guilt to come. In my mind guilt plays a big part in forgiveness and salvation and if you are lacking that you are missing the HS who leads you to Jesus and salvation. To be honest I'm just really confused. I don't know what I'm supposed to think or feel anymore. It's like everything I think and feel is wrong because we aren't supposed to be run by our emotions so to me I can't have any emotions when it comes to God.

 

[gracealone]

Try not to focus on what you are "supposed" to think or feel because the OCD will always find something to accuse you of. What needs to be addressed is the horrific anxiousness you are experiencing.
How are you addressing the chemical imbalance that is causing an overabundance of fight or flight emotions?
I use medications, relaxation techniques, exposure response therapy and consistent vigorous exercise. Over time I've been able to cut way back on the meds. and use a minimal dose of Buspar. The exercise is such a huge help to me. When I first started doing it the depression made it really hard to drag myself out the door and I didn't enjoy it at all. But now that my chemistry is more balanced I look forward to my speed walking.
It's takes persistent, determined hard work to manage this disorder, but God will enable you to do so just as He has me.
I'm fervently praying for you.
Mitzi

Thank you Gracealone for your post, it has really helped me. I didn't even realize that could happen. With me I started to search for guilt when I did things and like you said in your post it flew the coop. For me with my OCD my feelings of guilt turned to anger when I had thoughts I didn't want which made me wonder why I wasn't feeling guilt and when I thought things I would wait for the guilt to come. In my mind guilt plays a big part in forgiveness and salvation and if you are lacking that you are missing the HS who leads you to Jesus and salvation. To be honest I'm just really confused. I don't know what I'm supposed to think or feel anymore. It's like everything I think and feel is wrong because we aren't supposed to be run by our emotions so to me I can't have any emotions when it comes to God.

 

[tyield1102]

For me when I get anxious now I start cleaning my house and that is how I deal with that. Ever since I became pregnant I haven't been near as anxious as I was before. There are still certain things that will come into my thoughts that I can feel the anxiety rise with it and I just try to think of something else. I used to be on Zoloft but quit taking it when I became pregnant. I plan on going back on it after the baby is born. I have also been reading Battlefield of the Mind to help me with my thoughts. I'm just at a part in my life right now where I'm so confused and just don't know about anything anymore. Even things as simple as how to spell something or do a math problem. I don't know if that made sense or not I'm really tired as I'm writing this. I'm gonna go ahead and get off here and get some sleep. Thank you so much for your help and prayers.

 

[gracealone]

Hi Tyield,
Distraction is a very good tool for dealing with OCD thoughts.
Please don't give those unwanted/instrusive OCD thoughts too much attention. When you do any battle against them, they will loom larger and more threatening because in doing battle with them you will cause your brain to see them as even more valid and threatening. Ignoring them is the far better choice.
Did your Dr. recommend you go off the Zoloft during the pregnancy or was it your choice I only ask this because my daughter took Zoloft through one pregnancy and Prozac through another. She did use lower dosages but her Dr. felt very strongly that her having a positive mental state was very important to the babies. Any how... both babies, boys now aged 2 & 4 have had absolutely no negative effects from the meds. They are happy, healthy and well adjusted little guys. Well actually they are perfect - because they're my grandsons!
Always follow your Dr.'s recommendations though, just as my daughter did.
Congrats on the little one in your womb!
Mitzi

For me when I get anxious now I start cleaning my house and that is how I deal with that. Ever since I became pregnant I haven't been near as anxious as I was before. There are still certain things that will come into my thoughts that I can feel the anxiety rise with it and I just try to think of something else. I used to be on Zoloft but quit taking it when I became pregnant. I plan on going back on it after the baby is born. I have also been reading Battlefield of the Mind to help me with my thoughts. I'm just at a part in my life right now where I'm so confused and just don't know about anything anymore. Even things as simple as how to spell something or do a math problem. I don't know if that made sense or not I'm really tired as I'm writing this. I'm gonna go ahead and get off here and get some sleep. Thank you so much for your help and prayers.

 

[Caty]

I always seem to feel like I'm sinning (I know thats dumb) or Im even more guilty if I have peace from them, but then I have some days whenever I can look past & be okay. but after here recently I dunno, If that will happen anymore.

 

[gracealone]

I always seem to feel like I'm sinning (I know thats dumb) or Im even more guilty if I have peace from them, but then I have some days whenever I can look past & be okay. but after here recently I dunno, If that will happen anymore.

It's not dumb Caty, it's a symptom of religious OCD. It is, however an invalid or illegitimate fear as are all OCD themes. When we sin legitimately we feel remorse, we ask forgiveness and make an effort to turn from that sin. We can them move forward.
OCD causes intrusive/unwanted repetitive thoughts. We don't choose them but that doesn't stop them from making us feel miserable.
It's also very common to even get upset when we catch a break from them for a bit - because we worry that that might indicate that we really don't care or that we agree with the thoughts. Bottom line is they all take us back to the same original fear filled obsessing if we let them. In this case it's. "What if God has deserted me and I'm on my way to hell?"
This is OCD, but you have to be willing to run the risk of treating it as OCD in order to make progress.
I'll keep up the prayers.
Mitzi

 

[Caty]

thanks, you've really helped me tonight. I just never look at this as OCD, but rather me being horrible & mean & on my way to Hell...

 

[tyield1102]

I decided to stop taking the meds on my own and my doctor doesn't even know. My husband is in the army and i dont like military doctors, but since i'm here in germany they are really my only choice at the moment :/ As far as the extreme fear and anxiety go I really haven't had much of that in the past like 6 months. I know what it's like though because before I even knew that OCD was more than handwashing or even what it really was I had all of it. The extreme fear, anxiety, guilt it was the most horrible thing I have ever gone through in my life. I'm thinking about going back and seeing the doctor after I have the baby if things get worse again.

 

[gracealone]

Good idea. I had a bad flare of OCD after the birth of my second child due to the hormone shift. It didn't get really bad until the baby was about 4 months old, but back then I didn't know a thing about anxiety disorders and never recognized the warning signals.
With the birth of my third child I took up running within a couple of weeks post delivery and did really great and didn't need meds. at all.
So each time can be different from the last.
I'm glad you're on a fairly even keel for now - it's such a huge relief isn't it when you compare it to the bad days.
God Bless,
Mitzi

I decided to stop taking the meds on my own and my doctor doesn't even know. My husband is in the army and i dont like military doctors, but since i'm here in germany they are really my only choice at the moment :/ As far as the extreme fear and anxiety go I really haven't had much of that in the past like 6 months. I know what it's like though because before I even knew that OCD was more than handwashing or even what it really was I had all of it. The extreme fear, anxiety, guilt it was the most horrible thing I have ever gone through in my life. I'm thinking about going back and seeing the doctor after I have the baby if things get worse again.