Question for non-theists about love

[SiderealExalt]

Ok so. As many of you know, I am an atheist. I'm pretty cut and dry as a person. I do my best to keep flowery words of poeticism and metaphors to cloud issues for me. I appreciate aesthetics and wordplay but I understand those things are built on foundations of concrete realities.

Well, lately I've been thinking of someone I haven't seen in a fairly long time that I've known for a while and it going me thinking about that icky subject of love

So, for those of us who don't believe in supernatural stuff about love and emotions and whatnot. Do you think that it's possible for there to be someone or someones in the world out there that are for whatever reason, objects of practically unconditional love. I hesitate to use terms like "meant for you." because it's not really what I mean. But more of there is someone out there that it just seems that your experiences together and the ways you mesh and contrast just seems to create this difference from the way you've ever felt about other people.

I don't honestly think I have the proper choice of words to describe the feeling. But I am curious what other people's thoughts are on the subject.

And no offense, but I would prefer that people with supernatural(ie religious) concepts of love and other related aspects refrain from replying.

 

[Corey]

Google "Triarchic Theory of Love." It's Robert Sternberg's theory that most Intro Psych students learn about.

 

[cantata]

Certainly love can be a powerful, profound, and deeply meaningful experience. Not believing in supernatural things need not detract from that at all. We can think about it in a reductionist way, of course - in terms of hormones and psychology and firing neurons, or at an even simpler level, atoms bumping into each other - but there's no need for us to think about it that way.

In rational terms, there's almost certainly not just one person "for you". After all, so many people meet "the one" that it seems likely that there's probably a "one" in at least every city! You just have to meet in the right place and at the right time in your lives. But the glory and beauty of the experience of love with whomever it is that you do happen to find doesn't need to be diminished by that.

The cause of your "meshing" can be mysterious, but there is probably a reasonable explanation: a similar experience as a child that neither of you can really remember; a similar outlook on life; a resemblance to some other loved one. Again, though, this needn't detract from the excitement and magic of falling in love. It's just there, humming away in the background.

 

[MarcusHill]

There are several ideas in game theory about choosing "the one" in a situation of serial monogamy - imagine a long sequence of potential partners, each with some sort of rating you could give for how "compatible" they are with you. You essentially inspect one at a time, only then learning what their "score" is. You then choose whether to reject that partner, losing them forever, or choose them as "the one", thus rejecting, unseen, all the future potential partners. The thinking is about how you decide when to stop in order to maximise the potential "score" of the partner with whom you end up - chances are, it won't be the best in the line!

Somewhat off topic, I know, but I suspect that even this crude model does have something in common with reality, especially with some people who "settle" for "good enough" in a long term relationship.

Of course, the problem is that it's difficult for us to see our emotions in such game theoretical ways, or in terms of simple biochemistry, despite the fact that they probably are only that, only on a much more complex level than our current models.

 

[memorymachine]

I'm not exactly sure what you're asking, but I'll answer as best I can anyway:

I don't believe there's only one person out there "meant for me", but rather there's a certain type of person I'm compatible with. Of those people in that type, who I actually end up with just depends on being in the same place at the same time together and the circumstances working in our favor.

 

[jcook922]

Ok so. As many of you know, I am an atheist. I'm pretty cut and dry as a person. I do my best to keep flowery words of poeticism and metaphors to cloud issues for me. I appreciate aesthetics and wordplay but I understand those things are built on foundations of concrete realities.

Well, lately I've been thinking of someone I haven't seen in a fairly long time that I've known for a while and it going me thinking about that icky subject of love

So, for those of us who don't believe in supernatural stuff about love and emotions and whatnot. Do you think that it's possible for there to be someone or someones in the world out there that are for whatever reason, objects of practically unconditional love. I hesitate to use terms like "meant for you." because it's not really what I mean. But more of there is someone out there that it just seems that your experiences together and the ways you mesh and contrast just seems to create this difference from the way you've ever felt about other people.

I don't honestly think I have the proper choice of words to describe the feeling. But I am curious what other people's thoughts are on the subject.

And no offense, but I would prefer that people with supernatural(ie religious) concepts of love and other related aspects refrain from replying.

Well, I'm a Humanist who firmly believes in a God, but is non-practicing. I can say that I love my Fiance, she's someone who can be just like me, and completely different from me in so many ways. She's a devout Christian who is saving herself for marriage, doesn't drink or smoke, while I am the opposite. The ways that she is like me, is that she's cynical, sarcastic, and loves to play devils advocate in the same way that I do. We constantly debate religion and philosophy, and manage to get pretty deep and competitive without being offensive to eachother because both of us are very thick-skinned. I intend to spend the rest of my life with this woman.

So I guess the point is, you need to find someone fun and compatible with you, sustained happiness, in my mind, is the key to love.

 

[Paulos23]

So, for those of us who don't believe in supernatural stuff about love and emotions and whatnot. Do you think that it's possible for there to be someone or someones in the world out there that are for whatever reason, objects of practically unconditional love. I hesitate to use terms like "meant for you." because it's not really what I mean. But more of there is someone out there that it just seems that your experiences together and the ways you mesh and contrast just seems to create this difference from the way you've ever felt about other people.

Love is a mess subject. It is (mostly) a chemical cascade in the brain and very close to being insane. That is, of course, our biological reaction which helps us chase after the person of our desire. What kicks that off is different for everyone and is based off of biological as well as social and cultural triggers programmed into us. So when you meet someone that fits those triggers it can feel like they are the only one, even though there may be many more people out there that can give you the same "feeling".

And that is my thoughts on the subject.

 

[Autumnleaf]

No. If there is a God then things make sense and you meet who you were meant to if God cares about such things. Otherwise, if there is no God or he doesn't care, there is nothing to hang your hat on. This concept is likely to be right as religious people end up with divorce as often as or more than nonreligious people.

I suggest you take your time getting to know women and see how they and their parents act before you decide they are who you want in your life. Actions speak louder than words in love and war.

 

[quatona]

I tend towards the notion that we do not love (or hate or have any emotions towards) persons but our inner images of them.

 

[Verv]

I agree with the original poster if it means anything to anyone.

I also have some irregular views of love as a theist and I do not regret them or view them poorly at all. I find that our contemporary ideas of love are a little off.

 

[TooCurious]

Here's how I look at it. There are upwards of six billion people in the world currently. Out of all that staggering variation, there have to be at least a few of them who have the right combination of traits to make any given person very happy, and vice-versa. There is no "one true love" that every person has, because people have the capacity to fall in love with multiple people over the course of a lifetime (which is fortunate, since untimely deaths sometimes occur).

Love is both a biochemical phenomenon and an emotional and cognitive state; I've always been confused that some people juxtapose these as a mutually-exclusive duality. A person's qualities and traits appeal to us because of our preferences and experiences, and that attraction stimulates the release of specific neurotransmitters and hormones, which reinforce those feelings, creating a positive feedback loop involving both chemistry and emotion.

Of course, the best description I've run across for what love is can be found in the last portion of my signature.

 

[JadeTigress]

I suggest you take your time getting to know women and see how they and their parents act before you decide they are who you want in your life. Actions speak louder than words in love and war.

I agree here, for the most part. But I'm of the opinion that it's not necessary for a significant other's parents to like me, nor for my parents to like them. It sure makes things easier if they do; but in the end, they're dating me, not my parents.

 

[bluegreensea]

I must confess to being quite cynical about romantic love as it is expressed in popular culture, though that has nothing to do with my opinons on religion. Mainly, I think we are too idealistic and assume love is something constantly fun and exciting that will never take hard work...so I tend not to believe most people's love is going to work out. However, that's not to say I don't believe anybody has a chance at happiness with another person.

People often talk about "the one", as though there is only one person in the world suited for everyone, and fate or destiny will lead you to him/her if you're lucky enough. I don't believe in that at all. I think for each human being, there are many others out there who are compatible and with whom a happy relationship could be made. Hopefully, everyone will have the experience of encountering several people who have similar experiences and whatnot. For me, I found that through my best friend. He's a gay male, I'm a straight girl. We behave like best friends, tragic lovers, argumentative married people and brother and sister, depending on the occasion. I've known him for twelve years. We are never going to end up romantically involved but we fit extremely well. The unconditional love part is very evident in the relationship, because even after screaming fights, personal drama and a million other problems, we forgive and forget with almost no effort at all. I don't think there is anything he could do that would cause me not to love him, and vice versa. However, I think this works because we accept each other as people, as friends.

Unfortunately, much of society seems to view love as something that should always cast a perfect glow. When their partner wakes up with morning breath, is sick after a night of drinking, loses his/her temper, does something awkward or mean, etc, the gilded love stuff starts to tarnish. Many people fail to love unconditionally because they want something from the other person more than they want the other person's happiness. They want someone who will always love them, without doing what they can to enhance the feelings between them. They want someone to complete them or fulfill them, rather than entering a relationship as a whole and satisfied person with a lot to offer as well as receive. That's why I'm cynical. Movies and tele and such don't pass on the message that there will be fights, failings, problems, sickness, etc. People get the idea love is easy, and it isn't. Unfortunately, I think some of those with religious affiliation except simplicity too. The idea of a relationship being blessed, or approved of by God, makes it sound like it's going to be smooth going. After all, isn't God in charge? Won't God make it work out, and make it perfect? Unfortunately, no.