Question for ex-gays

[WiredSpirit]

I went to a counselling session once at a local Exodus affiliated ministry. I was turned off to it for a couple reasons. One was because there was a picture of the counselor with our local Republican congressman, whom I strongly dislike, and it led me to believe there were political motivations with this particular ministry. The other thing was they just wanted to redefine homosexuality. They told me I wasn't really gay because I didn't live in the 'homosexual lifestyle' which I'm sure we'd all agree is destructive and sinful.

I did take a few things away from that session. One was the counsellor's recomendation that I keep a prayer journal and hang reminders around my apartment. I also established a "point of contact," or a certain place I go to when I pray. It happens to be a chair that I kneel by. I do feel closer to God when I pray here and seeing it often reminds me to pray.

I'm at the point that with prayer and personal discipline I do well with abstaining from porn and lust. The big question now is, how do you become sexually attracted to females? I've yet to experience this. The primary reason for me to be interested in changing is that I always pictured myself as having a wife and family when older. Now I'm at an age where my friends are getting married and starting families.

This is where it gets tricky. I'm not saying I've met the right girl or anything but there is one long-time friend that I'd like to ask out. I like talking to her, being around her, she's just been a really good friend. I'm sure I could be romantic, but I am not actually sexually attracted to her. In fact, I don't recall ever being sexually attracted to a female.

Maybe that's not the important thing right now, but as I'm not attracted to girls my attraction to guys, even while not acting on it, seems to prevent me from developing a serious relationship with a female.

I do have another completely different major problem right now, but I don't want to discuss it over an open medium like this forum. Because this involves someone else and there is enough of my personal information on this board that someone I know could identify me, I think that's a little dangerous. I would like to discuss this with someone who is more advanced in this type of situation than I am, but has distance from the particular problem.

 

[eastcoast_bsc]

I went to a counselling session once at a local Exodus affiliated ministry. I was turned off to it for a couple reasons. One was because there was a picture of the counselor with our local Republican congressman, whom I strongly dislike, and it led me to believe there were political motivations with this particular ministry. The other thing was they just wanted to redefine homosexuality. They told me I wasn't really gay because I didn't live in the 'homosexual lifestyle' which I'm sure we'd all agree is destructive and sinful.

I did take a few things away from that session. One was the counsellor's recomendation that I keep a prayer journal and hang reminders around my apartment. I also established a "point of contact," or a certain place I go to when I pray. It happens to be a chair that I kneel by. I do feel closer to God when I pray here and seeing it often reminds me to pray.

I'm at the point that with prayer and personal discipline I do well with abstaining from porn and lust. The big question now is, how do you become sexually attracted to females? I've yet to experience this. The primary reason for me to be interested in changing is that I always pictured myself as having a wife and family when older. Now I'm at an age where my friends are getting married and starting families.

This is where it gets tricky. I'm not saying I've met the right girl or anything but there is one long-time friend that I'd like to ask out. I like talking to her, being around her, she's just been a really good friend. I'm sure I could be romantic, but I am not actually sexually attracted to her. In fact, I don't recall ever being sexually attracted to a female.

Maybe that's not the important thing right now, but as I'm not attracted to girls my attraction to guys, even while not acting on it, seems to prevent me from developing a serious relationship with a female.

I do have another completely different major problem right now, but I don't want to discuss it over an open medium like this forum. Because this involves someone else and there is enough of my personal information on this board that someone I know could identify me, I think that's a little dangerous. I would like to discuss this with someone who is more advanced in this type of situation than I am, but has distance from the particular problem.

I cannot give you an answer, but I do know of whence you are coming from. I have dealt with the "Exgay" thing also. I too have issues with the whole "exgay" thing. when pressed , they finally now state that "its not heterosexuality, but holiness" So they seemed to have redefined their message. They also tend to try and place Psychological labels, such as borderline personality, this was without even a conversation. People don't realize how important having a "Life" is . I understand that you want a relationship, family, companionship and other such things that life has to offer. But don't marry someone just for the sake of marriage. There are many many married guys , who are having relationships with the same sex, on the side. This results in tradgedy all around. I believe there has to be a sexual and emotional componet to a relationship, for it to be REAL and intimate. Well I hope someone can give you something tangible. later

 

[Jason19]

it can be weird seeing your friends marry, or have serious relationships, and not yet having the natural desires that were destroyed in homosexuality yourself.
I pray that someday God will give me the natural desires I need, until he does...or doesn't, His grace is sufficient for us

 

[Lost_and_astray]

I don't believe you need sexual attraction to your partner to have a full and happy marriage. I myself am gay. If the woman you're married to makes you feel happy everyday, you enjoy her company, truly love here and want to be around her always, I don't think you actually really need that component of sexual attraction in order to have a good and whole marriage.

 

[artjack]

I would like the same future you would but have come to think that I am not meant to marry after a long hard battle with myself, Ive had a number of breakdowns in the past because I thought time was pasing me by, I think you need to make you mind up early on what you want to do and stick with it. I would also agree that getting married would be unwise if there is no atraction. I dont think its for us, we are not naturaly tuff enough I believe.

 

[artjack]

I would agree that you should not marry if their is no attraction, I wanted the same future you did but always felt time was passing me by and I had a few breakdowns so I would say , make your mind up as to wheather you want to or not and do something about it if you want to marry but In the end I had to give in that I was not meant to marry. I dont think we are naturaly tuff enough and I think you have to be.

 

[WiredSpirit]

I would like the same future you would but have come to think that I am not meant to marry after a long hard battle with myself, Ive had a number of breakdowns in the past because I thought time was pasing me by, I think you need to make you mind up early on what you want to do and stick with it. I would also agree that getting married would be unwise if there is no atraction. I dont think its for us, we are not naturaly tuff enough I believe.

That is exactly where I am. I feel like I am far, far behind. I dropped out of college and before that I did lousy in high school because I was struggling with this and family issues. Now people I went to school with are graduating and getting good jobs and I'm making $8 and hour and work so much I don't have time for a life. I am getting irritable, depressed, loosing my patients with people, etc. I don't know what to do right now and it looks like I'm at a dead-end. I really need a relationship to help me through this part of life. I honestly believe I could get those qualities out of a gay relationship, but that's just not what I want to do or who I want to be. I'm afraid I might be stuck in this rut indefinately.

 

[bannaboat101]

Well I know that I'm only sixteen going on Seventeen but I will try my best to help you out and give advice. First of all the fact that having the oreintation isn't the sin but Lusting and Falling to homosexuality activities it is a sin. Leviticus 18:22 1 Cor. 6:9-13 will give you some help but in the bible no where does it say having the oreintation. I know that not being attracted to females and being attracted to males is a problem I went through the same thing but being attracted doesn't mean that you can't get married and have a family. Yes I'm gay to but I'm not a homosexual God hates it but The attractions mayn't change but you can stop homosexuality and Lust. I know that this is a touchy subject when I'm only sixteen but sometimes listening to those younger then you might help. Also if you really want to stop homosexuality and lust I suggest taking this course which helped me a lot and here is the link to it. www.settingcaptivesfree.com/doorofhope/ I know it will kelp you out a lot.
God Bless You
Mike

 

[WiredSpirit]

Well I know that I'm only sixteen going on Seventeen but I will try my best to help you out and give advice. First of all the fact that having the oreintation isn't the sin but Lusting and Falling to homosexuality activities it is a sin. Leviticus 18:22 1 Cor. 6:9-13 will give you some help but in the bible no where does it say having the oreintation. I know that not being attracted to females and being attracted to males is a problem I went through the same thing but being attracted doesn't mean that you can't get married and have a family. Yes I'm gay to but I'm not a homosexual God hates it but The attractions mayn't change but you can stop homosexuality and Lust. I know that this is a touchy subject when I'm only sixteen but sometimes listening to those younger then you might help. Also if you really want to stop homosexuality and lust I suggest taking this course which helped me a lot and here is the link to it. www.settingcaptivesfree.com/doorofhope/ I know it will kelp you out a lot.
God Bless You
Mike

I just went to that website and signed up for their stop smoking class. I want to see how that they work before signing up for something I consider more serious. Thanks for the link.

 

[Jason19]

yes, setting captives free is quite awesome

 

[Cyberdyne1]

I'm afraid I might be stuck in this rut indefinately.

Dude...

I am 49 tomorrow and I see you are 21. Trust me when I say that at your age you are not likely in a rut, things will change. When I look back 28 years ago to when I was 21, I can't believe I am even the same person.

So don't worry, relax. Things will work out...

 

[pdudgeon]

Dude...

I am 49 tomorrow and I see you are 21. Trust me when I say that at your age you are not likely in a rut, things will change. When I look back 28 years ago to when I was 21, I can't believe I am even the same person.

So don't worry, relax. Things will work out...

amen to this!

One of the hardest things to stop doing is comparing ourselves to everyone else. Your friends have their own lives to live, just as you have yours.

Please don't ever settle for just having part of your dream. You deserve the best that God has to offer, and nothing else will completely satisfy you.

you need to replace what you have learned from the world about sexual attraction (the wrong stuff) with information on how God views men and women. Work on becomming the man that God wants you to be first, and then everything else will follow.

no one wins and get to enjoy the prize unless they have run the race succesfully. In order to do that they must work to train their bodies, run the race, and keep on running whatever difficulties they encounter. Even when they stumble, they can't quit if they hope to win.

So...
1. Determine for yourself that the prize you seek (a home, family, wife) is worth the effort. Keep that always in the forefront of your mind.

2.Count what it will cost you in terms of time, effort, determination, and self-sacrifice to achieve your goal.

3.Find a mentor/acountability partner who can help you.

4.Put your trust in God to enable you and help you achieve this.

 

[artjack]

That is exactly where I am. I feel like I am far, far behind. I dropped out of college and before that I did lousy in high school because I was struggling with this and family issues. Now people I went to school with are graduating and getting good jobs and I'm making $8 and hour and work so much I don't have time for a life. I am getting irritable, depressed, loosing my patients with people, etc. I don't know what to do right now and it looks like I'm at a dead-end. I really need a relationship to help me through this part of life. I honestly believe I could get those qualities out of a gay relationship, but that's just not what I want to do or who I want to be. I'm afraid I might be stuck in this rut indefinately.

well only you know youself but my advice is make up you mind and be happy with it, stop panicing, that will change nothing. start taking care of yourself, avoid alcohol by all means, I think that was my biggest mistake, drinking. you need your mind sober for thought, I think you are saying you dont want to have a relationship with a girl and thats you choise, a good one for you id say. I think it is good you are being honest with yourself, you need to be,it will help. loving yourself is important as you are not in a relationship to keep yourself positive, start making positive plans for your life if you dont want someone, just because you dont have a partner does not mean you have to be lonely or sad, find out what healthy passtimes you can have in your area that you can atend and make new friends, join a bowling club for example, night classes or some social activity in which you can relax & enjoy & that is away from drinking alcohol, I had to let go of nearly all my friends and start looking after myself & avoiding ridicule, start your new positive life today and be happy with it. dont look to far into the future, you cant control the future, set an easy positive goal for the day ahead that you can achieve and good luck and enjoy it. step by step you will get there if you want. you will also find help & friends here to talk to for help.

 

[KindGuardian]

I can help you get started I guess. God can really start working on your heart when you look at your motivation. At first when I wanted to change my motivation was "to be normal". I wanted to be attracted to girl for so many reasons: for the relationship, so I could stop sinning ect. all of those. But when it came down to it, I wanted to be normal. That was all wrong though. This is one of the first lessons in Door of Hope so I'm hoping that you'll look into it, but basically your motivation need to be- to glorify God. It has to be that before God will begin to change your heart. It was actually a frightening lesson for me because to use homosexuality to glorify God I needed two things. First: to conquer it (and obviously I didn't know how) and second: other people would have to know about it *ouch* that was the hardest. I didn't want to tell anyone. I think it took me about a week of really trying and praying before I could give myself up, and finally say, "Okay I'll use this to glorify God." I hope that helps you get started. By all means I havn't gotten over this at all, but I've come a long way from where I've started thanks to God so I know alot of things that have helped me and maybe will help you. I'll be praying for ya.

 

[EstherC]

you need to replace what you have learned from the world about sexual attraction (the wrong stuff) with information on how God views men and women. Work on becomming the man that God wants you to be first, and then everything else will follow.

This is scriptural. Taking every thought captive unto the Lordship of Jesus Christ.


The Word of God doesn't change, and His word is clear on sexual sin. I think the confusion comes from the enemy. You say you think someone going through this with you may help the situation, but it can also complicate matters. God can be using this situation for you to turn to Him. Is it possible you're using the pressure of this situation to fall into old habits of coping? I am a female and if I am attracted to females, does that mean I have to indulge in everything I'm attracted to? Is the heart deceitful? Who knows the heart? God knows our hearts.

“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; Who can know it?

I, the Lord, search the heart, I test the mind, even to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his doings."​

Jeremiah 17:9-10

“Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh [human nature and natural self] his strength,​

Whose heart departs from the Lord.

For he shall be like a shrub in the desert,
And shall not see when good comes,
But shall inhabit the parched places in the wilderness."​

Jeremiah 17:5-6​

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, and whose hope is the Lord.​

For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters,

Which spreads out its roots by the river, and will not fear when heat comes;
But its leaf will be green, and will not be anxious in the year of drought,
Nor will cease from yielding fruit."​

Jeremiah 17:7-8​

“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; Who can know it?​

I, the Lord, search the heart, I test the mind,

Even to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his doings."​

Jeremiah 17:9-10
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We have to ask Him to see if there be any wicked way in us. This is essential to confession. If I am attracted to what's in my refrigerator, does that mean I should eat everything in it whenever I want, and all that I want? Of course not. Where are the boundaries? Just because we didn't grow up with boundaries, doesn't mean that we are to continue in that. The bible is clear on the boundary lines.​

I think the walk with God totally separates us into something that's not of ourselves. It's so completely not about us, but what He wants for our lives. His ways are perfect, higher than ours. Our ways are not his ways. He was totally not about His own needs, but setting the captives free. Praise Him.


The other psychological issue, is that when someone is exposed to various sexual activity/perversions/sin, whatever you want to call it, we are numbed. We have been so shocked and awed so to speak over it that nothing is a shock to us about it. We weren't wired for it. We've reached the "highs" and once over go through the lows. We think that way (against God's ways) will fill us, but it doesn't. Isn't God wonderful that He protects us in that? Romans 1 shows us God turns us over to our sin. I say this not to offend, but lift you up. Praying for you, WS.
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[tobefree]

I went to a counselling session once at a local Exodus affiliated ministry. I was turned off to it for a couple reasons. One was because there was a picture of the counselor with our local Republican congressman, whom I strongly dislike, and it led me to believe there were political motivations with this particular ministry. The other thing was they just wanted to redefine homosexuality. They told me I wasn't really gay because I didn't live in the 'homosexual lifestyle' which I'm sure we'd all agree is destructive and sinful.

I did take a few things away from that session. One was the counsellor's recomendation that I keep a prayer journal and hang reminders around my apartment. I also established a "point of contact," or a certain place I go to when I pray. It happens to be a chair that I kneel by. I do feel closer to God when I pray here and seeing it often reminds me to pray.

I'm at the point that with prayer and personal discipline I do well with abstaining from porn and lust. The big question now is, how do you become sexually attracted to females? I've yet to experience this. The primary reason for me to be interested in changing is that I always pictured myself as having a wife and family when older. Now I'm at an age where my friends are getting married and starting families.

This is where it gets tricky. I'm not saying I've met the right girl or anything but there is one long-time friend that I'd like to ask out. I like talking to her, being around her, she's just been a really good friend. I'm sure I could be romantic, but I am not actually sexually attracted to her. In fact, I don't recall ever being sexually attracted to a female.

Maybe that's not the important thing right now, but as I'm not attracted to girls my attraction to guys, even while not acting on it, seems to prevent me from developing a serious relationship with a female.

I do have another completely different major problem right now, but I don't want to discuss it over an open medium like this forum. Because this involves someone else and there is enough of my personal information on this board that someone I know could identify me, I think that's a little dangerous. I would like to discuss this with someone who is more advanced in this type of situation than I am, but has distance from the particular problem.

HEY WIRED SPIRIT, I can totally relate to where you are at altough I am older now and living free from the bondage and lies that the devil makes you bare walking in homosexuality. I was 9 years old my first encounter with a same age friend. Many boys did it. In adolesence, I progressed in this behavior, and by 17 I was in the midst of the gay subculture in a major US city. I had some hurts and rejections with females in my adolescence and found the gay seen more self validating. I got alot of attention, and used my looks and youth to get what I wanted. I loved the attnetion and I could now be in the positon of power to reject and not be hurt as when I went to seek a women they seemed so gaming. Anyway by 21 I was convinced I was gay. By 25 some evangelical witnessed to me in the streets and I let them pray with me or for me. My life was empty from one sexual encounter to another and short term relations that wer enever faithful but got old quick when the sex was over. It was a lonley life and I came to a painful point.
At 28 I left a man I was with for 3 years. I met an exhomosexual believer who had so much joy and hope.
My life has changed now. I am a college grad, drug and alcohol counselor, married man with beautiful children 18 to 7. Amazing! I run a residential Christ centered rehab program. I lost many friends to AIDS oiver the years. It is a tragedy but God spared me.
When I met my wife, I started have an attraction and desire that was different. The gay thing was so empty. The bars were the same old same ol. But God changed my heart.
Dont you worry about this God can set you free. Desire doesnt equal identity. I can desire to fly a plane but I am not a pilot? I can have robbed a bank in th epast but no longer rob banks. AM I still a bankrobber?? No way.
LPease be careful who you recieve from onthese site not all posters are Christians but im-posters. Many gay s want to seduce the believers into believe that you can actively engage in homosexual realtions and be okay before God. This iste is full of progay deceivers confusing brothers and sister and manipulating those who are hurting and struggling.
Just hang on and seek your hgealing and wait on God.
Seek Holiness not hetrosexuality and let God fix the rest!
He is your vcreator and he designed you and can restore the distortion the world, devil and the flesh has put on us.
You are gonna have anawesome testimony.
You know what is amazing about Christians, we let the dediever and progay propagandists share their views in this forum and treat them with respect, but if you go to a gay site and share our faith they will curse you with all the venom of hell! they will report you and express much hate and call us bashers!! All those reading this who are in this forum for the wrong motive to help struglers but to really confuse and promote homosexuality, think about who is the mosre tolerant.?? You gay professor of tolerance or us who you claim tobe haters. We love you and all homosexuials, God love s homosexuals, he will set all free who ask and are willing to be well.
PLease fell free to private message me WIRED SPIRIT.
You canmake it. The culture is so full of progay propoganda but it is not okay and will destroy your soul, manhood, and walk with Christ. You are a man of God and if you dont feel like it you still are. Temptaion is not sin, it is common to all men!! But God is faithful.

 

[bannaboat101]

I just went to that website and signed up for their stop smoking class. I want to see how that they work before signing up for something I consider more serious. Thanks for the link.

That is great that you are going to do the stop smoking course and agree with you that you want to wait. I understand that. It isn't really that wise trying to do two courses at once it can lead to confusion even though I highly doubt that with setting captives but don't overload yourself. Also I think that it is a great decission to wait and see what the first course is like then going to next since you have a better stand point on what it is like. I pretty sure that you going to the door of hope course will be worth it. One more thing though I just want to say don't change cause you want to be a normail guy like every straight guy in the world but do it to Glorify God to make him happy for you and you'll feel happy cause your doing just for you and God
God Bless You
Mike

 

[sweetstrawberry_801]

Just because you are are not sexually attracted to girls that doesnt mean you cant be married to a girl. there is nothing impossible with god and you have to have faith that god can give the right girl thats would be good for u and that he knows will love, support and help u through what ur going through. u should also have faith that god will give you the sexual attraction when you find a girl you like like ur friend. dont feel that you have to feel immediate sexual attraction these feelings shouldnt be rushed and arent always immediately felt even by straight people who say havent had a gf before or even kissed a girl before and waiting till after marriage. the main and most important thing is the love you feel towards a women, sexual attraction can follow that when ur in love and married to a girl and u can pray for this and trust and have faith god will give this to u since it says in gods word ask and you will recieve. stand on that word and trust god will give u thiswhen ur married to a girl u love and feel god wills for u to marry. dont worry about things such as sexual attraction cos gods word tells us not to worry. jesus came to give us life in abundance and trust he can and will do the same for u. it also says he will give u the desires of your heart so if u desire to get married and have children trust he will give this to u if this is his will for u. also this friend u like if u like her try asking her for all u know she could be the girl for u. good relationships can start off from being good friends with someone and it developing into a relationship. many of my friends started off being just friends.