Question about sleepovers

[Joannee]

Is it just this specific group of girls? Would you be ok with her roaming the mall at night with an unsupervised church youth group? Or are you worried about society at large?

Yes and no. I’m just not comfortable with her doing that, so I guess society at large?

 

[PloverWing]

I've just asked my 19-year-old about your question, based on their experience with sleepovers, and here was the answer:

1) Sleepovers are generally harmless silly fun. You stay up late, share some secrets, eat some junk food, maybe watch a movie, fall asleep at about 2am.

2) Your daughter will be an adult in a few years, living away from you in a college dorm or an apartment. Its good for both kids and parents to have occasional nights away from each other during the teen years; otherwise, your daughter's first experience away from home will be that first night after she's moved to a completely different city.

3) The mischief that 14-year-olds get into tends to be much milder than the mischief that 20-year-olds get into. Learning how to pick good friends is an important life skill. If she's chosen some friends who make mildly bad choices now, she'll learn from that how to make better friends, so that by the time she's 20, she'll know how to pick friends who don't get into adult-level bad trouble.

4) If you show your daughter that you trust her, letting her pick her own friends and many of her own activities, then you're keeping lines of communication open, and she knows she has your support. If something goes wrong then, in her friendships, she'll know that she can talk to you about it; she won't feel like she has to hide from you.

 

[Joannee]

I've just asked my 19-year-old about your question, based on their experience with sleepovers, and here was the answer:

1) Sleepovers are generally harmless silly fun. You stay up late, share some secrets, eat some junk food, maybe watch a movie, fall asleep at about 2am.

2) Your daughter will be an adult in a few years, living away from you in a college dorm or an apartment. Its good for both kids and parents to have occasional nights away from each other during the teen years; otherwise, your daughter's first experience away from home will be that first night after she's moved to a completely different city.

3) The mischief that 14-year-olds get into tends to be much milder than the mischief that 20-year-olds get into. Learning how to pick good friends is an important life skill. If she's chosen some friends who make mildly bad choices now, she'll learn from that how to make better friends, so that by the time she's 20, she'll know how to pick friends who don't get into adult-level bad trouble.

4) If you show your daughter that you trust her, letting her pick her own friends and many of her own activities, then you're keeping lines of communication open, and she knows she has your support. If something goes wrong then, in her friendships, she'll know that she can talk to you about it; she won't feel like she has to hide from you.

I agree with the everything you’re saying but I just don’t feel comfortable letting her go and sleepover. I’ll talk to her about it and if she really wants to I’ll go from there. I don’t know why I’m so torn about this

 

[Chris V++]

I agree with the everything you’re saying but I just don’t feel comfortable letting her go and sleepover. I’ll talk to her about it and if she really wants to I’ll go from there. I don’t know why I’m so torn about this

It's the beginning of a new chapter in her life and in yours. It's bound to cause anxiety. Pray and have faith. You can always say no but eventually you will need to let go a little.

 

[whereloveandmercymeet]

I suppose one of the big things is if they were going to do something that you felt inappropriate do you thing your daughter would be likely to join in, or stand up for herself against them and say she things it inappropriate? If the latter you could always allow her to go on the understanding that if it goes from being all harmless fun to anything else she call you to come home?

 

[JCFantasy23]

It can be scary letting kids spend the night someone else when you're not used to it - but I have a 17 year old son and he and his friends loved getting together in groups and doing sleepovers. It's something they really look forward to at that age.

 

[Sparagmos]

I agree with the everything you’re saying but I just don’t feel comfortable letting her go and sleepover. I’ll talk to her about it and if she really wants to I’ll go from there. I don’t know why I’m so torn about this

14 is pretty old never to have gone to a sleepover. You being uncomfortable isn’t a fair reason to deny your daughter a perfectly normal experience. She is likely to rebel hardcore if you don’t give her some freedom.

 

[Joannee]

It's the beginning of a new chapter in her life and in yours. It's bound to cause anxiety. Pray and have faith. You can always say no but eventually you will need to let go a little.

I know I should eventually, but it’s so hard right now

 

[Joannee]

I suppose one of the big things is if they were going to do something that you felt inappropriate do you thing your daughter would be likely to join in, or stand up for herself against them and say she things it inappropriate? If the latter you could always allow her to go on the understanding that if it goes from being all harmless fun to anything else she call you to come home?

I think when she’s with her friends she can get peer pressured

 

[Joannee]

It can be scary letting kids spend the night someone else when you're not used to it - but I have a 17 year old son and he and his friends loved getting together in groups and doing sleepovers. It's something they really look forward to at that age.

That’s exactly why I feel so unreasonable not wanting her to go

 

[Joannee]

14 is pretty old never to have gone to a sleepover. You being uncomfortable isn’t a fair reason to deny your daughter a perfectly normal experience. She is likely to rebel hardcore if you don’t give her some freedom.

She’s had sleepovers, they’ve just been at my house

 

[JCFantasy23]

That’s exactly why I feel so unreasonable not wanting her to go

I understand. I work for social service agency and our former director wouldn't let her kids stay at anyones house - or even visit - without her because she'd seen too many odd things at people's houses. She'd let kids come to her house but that's it. Some parents just aren't comfortable with the idea.

 

[Joannee]

I understand. I work for social service agency and our former director wouldn't let her kids stay at anyones house - or even visit - without her because she'd seen too many odd things at people's houses. She'd let kids come to her house but that's it. Some parents just aren't comfortable with the idea.

That makes sense. I always get worried about her when she’s not at home.

 

[Saricharity]

I think if your gut is telling you not to let her go you should listen to your instincts. Bad company corrupts good character. Maybe just stick to sleepovers at your home for now until you feel more comfortable and you get to know her friends better.

 

[yeshuaslavejeff]

They’ve made fun of her in the past

"Bad company corrupts GOOD morals" Even those who are trained well and right growing up, will have corrupt morals if they stay around bad company willingly without .... something.... to keep them from being corrupted...

 

[Joannee]

I think if your gut is telling you not to let her go you should listen to your instincts. Bad company corrupts good character. Maybe just stick to sleepovers at your home for now until you feel more comfortable and you get to know her friends better.

I think that’s exactly what I’m going to do!

 

[Joannee]

"Bad company corrupts GOOD morals" Even those who are trained well and right growing up, will have corrupt morals if they stay around bad company willingly without .... something.... to keep them from being corrupted...

Exactly. I don’t think I’ll let her go

 

[yeshuaslavejeff]

If I did that I feel she would think I don’t trust her. And I really don’t want her going to any of those places with them at night.

For now, for a while , years more perhaps (it is harder if not already done the past few years),
it would be best to be like a good shepherd and keep tabs on her, with her "liking it" or not. A sheep / or a lamb, left on its own gets eaten.

Tell her the truth, in line with Scripture, how and why a good parent watches over/keeps tab on/ their children more than the world thinks good (since the world is so bad) .

Internet oversight especially is important to all the authorities who investigate crime on the internet.

It might be hard to do, but pray a lot , always, and pray with her, frequently, at least daily.

 

[Joannee]

For now, for a while , years more perhaps (it is harder if not already done the past few years),
it would be best to be like a good shepherd and keep tabs on her, with her "liking it" or not. A sheep / or a lamb, left on its own gets eaten.

Tell her the truth, in line with Scripture, how and why a good parent watches over/keeps tab on/ their children more than the world thinks good (since the world is so bad) .

Internet oversight especially is important to all the authorities who investigate crime on the internet.

It might be hard to do, but pray a lot , always, and pray with her, frequently, at least daily.

We do pray together, it helps a lot.

 

[whereloveandmercymeet]

If you let her have more sleepovers at home and see how they behave at home, it may ease your worries. The ‘mischief’ I got up to as a teen at sleepovers away from home was only what we did when at my house anyway. We’d push whatever ‘bedtime’ was suggested (while younger) and eat more snacks than we should’ve. Nothing too terrible. My parents always wanted a particular friend to have stayed at my house first to be ‘vetted’, which I can understand. Once I hit my older teens the rules were relaxed somewhat because by then I had a good track record which gave my parents confidence.