Question about Pornography

[searle29678]

This is also in the women's thread but I wanted some male perspective.
My husband has been known to have DVD's and magazines and what not. When we first started dating, I didn't think much of it but after a while it really started to hurt my feelings. He hides them in the house and I eventually find them while cleaning and he gets really upset with me. He doesn't understand why it hurts my feelings. I have explained to him that I try to always be "up for it" when he is unless there are monthly circumstances preventing me from doing so, that the women seem to be aesthetically perfect (airbrush or not) and it basically makes me feel inadequate and cheap to think that he would find those women arousing when I do my best to look my best and please him the way he wants (without completely degrading myself) I tried to put it into perspective by asking him how he would feel if his daughter were on the pages and some man were looking at her the way he looks at these girls because they are all someone's daughter. I have gotten better about keeping my mouth shut. If I find it I just speak my piece and let it go, but not before destroying whatever bit of filth I have found.
Am I justified in the way I feel? Is it cheating for him to do this (even if he says he is imagining me)? Are there any suggestions on what I can do to get him to stop doing this? It really hurts my self esteem. I can't imagine getting pregnant one day and being big as a house and finding him with one of these. Or having my future son or daughter finding this before I can get to it. I can't feel attractive for him knowing that this is what he uses to "satisfy" himself.

 

[MLS3026533]

I wish men could grasp the devastating effects porn has on woman. I found pornagraphy all over our computer once and I was so hurt. I never got over it, in fact, I didn't know how to deal with it and eventually withdrew from him, lost a lot of weight and had an affair. Pornagraphy destroys intimacy in a marriage. Men lusting over something they could never have because the woman aren't real and then it seems unrealistic expectations are placed upon the very woman they vowed to love and cherish forever. Why do they want to destroy that? Why would they want to hurt us so deeply?

 

[searle29678]

For me, the adultery idea doesn't really bother me that badly. I know that ultimately that is what it is, but it's the effect on my view of myself. Up until I found out how deeply he was involved in it, I was pretty secure with myself. People in our community, my husband's friends, etc...seem to think he is a very lucky man. I'm not a model, but dogs don't join chorus when I walk by either. Once I realized what was going on I started really participating in our intimate time together. I bought lingerie and listened to what he wanted and complied as long as it wasn't degrading or made me feel "dirty." Our intimate time together increased and I really thought he was happy. I started wearing makeup and dressing nicer around the house and doing things he liked to do. Fishing, playing pool, watching sports and I actually started to enjoy his hobbies. While I was cleaning the house yesterday, I found some more magazines and I didn't blow up...I just threw them away and asked him one more time to not bring it back in the house. What else can I do?

 

[Vilnius]

Porn is simply bad news, no matter how you look at it. Your response to finding your husband's stashes is very typical and totally normal. From a biblical standpoint, Mathew 5:28 makes it clear that your husband is sining when he looks lustfully at another woman. Jesus says there that he is committing adultry in his heart. Assuming your husband is a Christian, given Mathew 5:28, there is no way he can argue that it is OK for him to use pornography. And just to make this perfectly clear, Mathew 5:28 applies to ANY lustfull looking. It is not just lusting over images in "porn" , but includes the girls and women he encounters in real life and in mainstream TV, movies, magazines, etc.

The first step is getting him to recognize that he is sining; that he is causing the problem, not you. There are numerous options on where to go from there, beginning with the two of you using books from the Every Man series ("Every Heart Restored" for you and "Every Man's Battle" for him. Those books are a good place to start, but he could still need counseling from your church, or participation in in-person programs run by New Life Ministries. Many people also recommend a free Internet program called Setting Captives Free.

I would be happy to offer further guidance here or in a pm if you want. It would be helpful to know if he is a Christian, if you have a church, etc.

Lastly, this is a very, very common problem for boys and men, including Christians. It is a problem that many have overcome, so if you are willing to pray for your husband and encourage him there is very real hope that he can get his lust problem under control.
Oh, I thought that was the last thing, but it appears his porn usage has exposed him to some sexual practices you find degrading. A loving husband has no business subjecting you to degrading sex acts--I think his porn usage has already warped his perception on how he should relate to you.

Praise God!

 

[heartnsoul]

I am sorry to hear about the problem of porn regarding your husband. It may be a good idea to sit down and would have a serious heart-to-heart talk with your husband. As serious of an issue this is regarding porn, you are justified in your hurt feelings, insecurity and anger (if there is any). Porn is not acceptable and there are times in a marriage when you need to "call the cows" home (so to speak) in my opinion. Speak the truth in love and let him know how you feel and how what he is doing is undermining your marriage. If he cares, he will seek professional help/counseling to address his addiction. If he gets angry and starts to belittle you, then you may need to temporarily separate from him because staying in that sort of negative/destructive relationship will only drag your spirits down.

You may want to consider some counseling yourself because you may need to heal from some emotional damage and low self esteem (and even trust issues). Trust is the foundation of any relationship. Once that trust is violated, it is very difficult to rebuild it. Not saying it can't be done, but it is very difficult. There have been many similar threads on this same topic and others have pointed out that lust in a man's heart is sin like adultery.

I will keep you in my prayers and pray that God will intervene and open your husband's heart to begin repairing the marriage. Meanwhile, I hope you draw closer to God and pour out your heart to Him. May God give you strength, peace and comfort right now.

 

[Yitzchak]

First of all, this is a very common issue which comes up in marriages. I have been at men's christian groups before where the question of magazines and such things came up and 90% admited to struggling with it in their lifetime after being married. Many were currently struggling and did not have confidence that they would ever get total victory. So the first thing I would say is that as personal as it feels to you, it is not likely seen as personal against you by him.

Second thing I would say is this. It is hard for a man to change in this area and this type of problem thrives in secret. It is very very seldom that a man will just wake up one day and stop doing that sort of thing. It usually takes working through a process. The best thing for a man struggling in that area is to be able to talk to other christian men who can help him work through it.

The third thing I would like to say is this. Your hurt interferes with his process of getting over it. Because it introduces pressure and shame and keeps him from opening up and being honest with himself about it when he is feeling defensive. for that reason , it is better for you to talk to a counselor that you trust and wait until he has had a chance to work through his process of healing before expecting him to be able to respond to your hurts over it.

Bottomline. People can point out the sin aspect or how it hurts your relationship. But what is really more useful is knowing how to change it. It seldom goes away by itself. Find a good counselor or pastor or support group for both of you and work through it. Most men involved in that type of problem feel a sense of shame and guilt and find when they really start to deal with it honestly that deep down, they really long to be free of it. Intimacy with a wife who loves you is so much better.

 

[fearlessfreap24]

First of all, this is a very common issue which comes up in marriages. I have been at men's christian groups before where the question of magazines and such things came up and 90% admited to struggling with it in their lifetime after being married. Many were currently struggling and did not have confidence that they would ever get total victory. So the first thing I would say is that as personal as it feels to you, it is not likely seen as personal against you by him.

Second thing I would say is this. It is hard for a man to change in this area and this type of problem thrives in secret. It is very very seldom that a man will just wake up one day and stop doing that sort of thing. It usually takes working through a process. The best thing for a man struggling in that area is to be able to talk to other christian men who can help him work through it.

The third thing I would like to say is this. Your hurt interferes with his process of getting over it. Because it introduces pressure and shame and keeps him from opening up and being honest with himself about it when he is feeling defensive. for that reason , it is better for you to talk to a counselor that you trust and wait until he has had a chance to work through his process of healing before expecting him to be able to respond to your hurts over it.

Bottomline. People can point out the sin aspect or how it hurts your relationship. But what is really more useful is knowing how to change it. It seldom goes away by itself. Find a good counselor or pastor or support group for both of you and work through it. Most men involved in that type of problem feel a sense of shame and guilt and find when they really start to deal with it honestly that deep down, they really long to be free of it. Intimacy with a wife who loves you is so much better.

that is well put and i have never seen anyone sya it like it is. that is exactly the way i feel. i am trying to give up on the porn because i love my wife. but she placesan enormous amount of stress on me. she thinks that there is an instant fix because i gave up drugs and smoking like ti was nothing. i struggle with porn everyday. my wife has made an effort to understand and that helps. i feel weird talking to her about it but it is helping the process. sorry for the babble but i neeeded to unload.

Dylan

 

[Canadianmade]

My wife and i are going to a couples retreat in two that is geared directly at the intimate part of marriage. The second afternoon is spent affair proofing a marriage and deals with this very topic. As a pastor i see marriages breaking up all the time because of unfaithfulness. Should be an informative weekend. If i learn anything new, i will pass it on.

 

[GirlieGirl]

First off, I see that you wanted responses from guys. So let me just say that I really tried to think like a guy when answering .

If he's addicted to porn, he's most likely not a happy man. These pictures have power over him and most guys don't like feeling helpless or controlled. He probably feels dirty and ashamed whenever his sin is brought out into the light. It's very tempting only to look at it from your own angle of justified pain, but remember that you can look at it from a clearer viewpoint than him. I think it would be very helpful if he saw your actions as being attempts to help him not just being his watchdog. Try buying him a copy of "Every Man's Battle" and just leave it for him with no pressure to read. One thing I would do, and this contradicts my advice a bit but I believe it's important, whenver you find a piece of porn, throw it away. Heck, maybe even put of copy of the book there in place of his magazine.

 

[searle29678]

He is not ashamed in the least by this. The only reason he hides it is so he won't have to hear my mouth. I don't fuss anymore, I just throw it away which sends him into a rage because he spent his precious money on it. This is entertainment to him. He attaches nothing to it other than pleasure. If anything he cannot understand why I get so upset. I guess there isn't much anyone can tell me to help with this. He would lay it out on the coffee table if he knew I wouldn't get upset. I don't think it's as much an addiction as it is a rebellion against me. At least that is what I thought...once I didn't say anything anymore he just kept on doing it, only he was buying more because he thought he had permission. To him this is normal male behavior, i.e. "All my friends look at it, my dad looks at it, what is the big deal?" Maybe he will never stop...this all ties in with the drug use and crowd that he hangs with. Oh well...maybe there isn't an answer. Thank you guys so much for all of your help.

 

[Yitzchak]

I am sorry to hear that he is not at the point of admiting the wrong of his actions. I will pray for you and him and your situation.

 

[searle29678]

Thank you so much guys! I'm taking everything into consideration.

 

[Yitzchak]

One thing is for sure. He has to be the one to decide to change.