Question about Dating an Unbeliever

[Moonlight Lady]

My cousin, whom I love dearly, has been dating this guy for about three years. They both live in a town about 30 miles away from me so I never met him before last weekend. My cousin, whom I took to church with me for the first time back in 1999, and who - that very night, gave her life to the Lord, is a devout christian, and she's been telling me about her boyfriend for about a year now.

It seemed to me like they had a great christian relationship: she called him a real family man who is very respectful to his parents; plus they don't mess around, absolutely no sex or sexual acts - they said they were waiting for their wedding night. He already asked her to get married next year.

Anyway, last weekend I invited them both to church with me because I wanted to meet the guy that was making my cousin so very happy. Well, he seemed really great. Nice, cute, funny guy. But I noticed he also seemed really bored through our entire service (and we had a great service that night...really), so I asked him once church was done if he enjoyed it, or if it maybe was a bit too lively for him.

Do you know what he said? He said that "he was bored because it was just another one of those preacher guys saying the same thing over and over again". He said that he knows church is really important to my cousin, but that it's just not his thing, and that he's still not sure how he feels about the bible.




I asked my cousin what this was all about; why would she date a non-believer. And she said that he was a good kind family man, and the only "problem" was that he wasn't saved yet. And then she said that if God didn't want her to date him that He would have sent her a replacement years ago....and apparently she hasn't met one other guy who is interested in her so she sees that as a sign.





Okay friends....am I being unrealistic? We're both in our late 30's so I understand that she may be hearing her clock ticking or whatever, but shouldn't I try and talk some sense into her? Or should I just be happy that she's happy?

 

[Periann]

Ok honestly my opinion on all situations like this one are after you've made the initial observation and talked with to your person don't push it. It's ultimately her choice, and unfortunately her heartbreak if it ever comes down the road that she wants to marry this guy and he's still not a Christian. So maybe tell her once that "you know in the Bible it says that we're not to be yoked with unbelievers" and if she still disagrees then your best choice would be to just continue being her loving cousin and support her. That's just my 2 cents.

 

[puffca]

Unless urged by God, otherwise talking to her doesn't seem to be a good idea. If she cares, she might have been in the struggle. You words only add the pain. If she doesn't care, she will ignor what you say and dislike you of saying that.

Definitely pray for her if you have the heart.

 

[Margim]

Honestly, I think we make too big a deal about the whole believer/non-believer thing. Statistically, 2/3 of the church is made up of women, meaning that if you can find a decent, loving, committed bloke who happens not to be Christian but accepts your faith, then I'd say you are on to a good thing.

Remember, Paul's teaching on not being bound to unbelievers was not particularly aimed at marriage. Marriage doesn't appear in that chapter, or the chapters on either side of it...

Its a warning to consider your moves in relationships with others carefully, for sure. But that's not the same things as a prohibition.

I'd just be happy for her, and be the listening Christian ear in those times her boyfriend/future husband can't understand the faith issues in her life.

 

[A Taffer]

I know some people in my church and some friends, all christians who are in unequally yoked marriages and its very hard for them to have a happy marriage because their spouse does not believe as they do. I would be in strong favor of at least talking with your cousin about what the bible says and then after that, leave her be. Ultimately its her choice what she chooses to do.

 

[Digit]

I'm sort of with Periann on this one. Ultimately, it's her decision. Though I can't imagine taking the silent support role myself, I would at least raise concerns about it.

I was unsaved when I met my partner, who is now my wife and what can I really say about that, it was a bumpy road, and it could have been disasterous.

My first concern that pops up when I hear something like this, is what about possibility of children, what faith would they have and how would that affect their parents. Would they argue or fight about it, would it cause the family to break apart and so on. Also, I am reminded of an image my wife showed me once. Of an equilateral triangle, with God at the top point, and each partner at a lower point. If both partners move towards God, they both move closer together, naturally. Whereas if one moves closer to God, they will always remain the same distance from their partner, who as a non-believer, is remaining still.

Whilst an illustration, I think when put in context it can highlight some of the issues, and if your cousin is convinced this is the man, then you need to leave it in her and God's hands. I would hope that they have sat down and really talked about God however, as maybe the husband is entertaining the issue that she will move away from God.

I would also suggest that they attend a marriage preparation course. Was a fantastic experience for my wife and I. 5 Stars.

Digit

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Ok honestly my opinion on all situations like this one are after you've made the initial observation and talked with to your person don't push it. It's ultimately her choice, and unfortunately her heartbreak if it ever comes down the road that she wants to marry this guy and he's still not a Christian. So maybe tell her once that "you know in the Bible it says that we're not to be yoked with unbelievers" and if she still disagrees then your best choice would be to just continue being her loving cousin and support her. That's just my 2 cents.

Exactly what she said. I'm sure your cousin already knows this as she's making excuses that God hasn't sent someone else. Actually maybe he did, but she couldn't see him because there's already stars in her eyes.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Honestly, I think we make too big a deal about the whole believer/non-believer thing. Statistically, 2/3 of the church is made up of women, meaning that if you can find a decent, loving, committed bloke who happens not to be Christian but accepts your faith, then I'd say you are on to a good thing.

Remember, Paul's teaching on not being bound to unbelievers was not particularly aimed at marriage. Marriage doesn't appear in that chapter, or the chapters on either side of it...

Its a warning to consider your moves in relationships with others carefully, for sure. But that's not the same things as a prohibition.

I'd just be happy for her, and be the listening Christian ear in those times her boyfriend/future husband can't understand the faith issues in her life.

You're joking. Look through the old testament and see what problems occured when God's people married unbelievers. If that doesn't work for you, check out the unequally yoked thread in the marriage forum.

 

[Digit]

You're joking. Look through the old testament and see what problems occured when God's people married unbelievers. If that doesn't work for you, check out the unequally yoked thread in the marriage forum.

I agree with this, it definitely IS a big deal. If you wish to see how it can effect people, please look here.

Cheers,
Digit

 

[Blank123]

Remember, Paul's teaching on not being bound to unbelievers was not particularly aimed at marriage. Marriage doesn't appear in that chapter, or the chapters on either side of it...

explain to me please how its not considered being yoked together when you commit yourself to spending the rest of your life with another person, becoming one flesh with them. Seems to me you can't be more intimately yoked to another person than to marry them...

to the OP i can't add much more than what has already been stated. Go to her in love and tell her what the Bible has to say on the subject and remind her what marrying an unbeliever will mean not only for her life and faith but the life an faith of her future children. If she decides to go ahead with the marriage then you've warned her and she cannot stand before God and say she didn't know what she was getting herself into. Just be her friend and love her and be open to discussing the subject with her if she should feel the need to talk at some point down the road. Pray for her as well.

 

[Gimpy]

Yes, once you have told her, you have done what you need to do besides praying for her to see, and praying for him to open his eyes and heart ot God

 

[Margim]

You're joking. Look through the old testament and see what problems occured when God's people married unbelievers. If that doesn't work for you, check out the unequally yoked thread in the marriage forum.

With all respect, the unequally yoked forum is going to be negative precisely because its a support forum for people with negative experiences.

I'm not saying we go randomly 'shacking up' with people from different faith journies, but neither should it be ruled out entirely. Besides, if you want to bring the old testament into it... there are all sorts of marriage possibilities in there including polygamy, marrying women from foreign countries that have been conqered and enslaved, so on and so forth. Some of these people are actually in Jesus' lineage. In other words, there is more flexibility than we sometimes give the bible credit for.

 

[dawnsday]

I think that is between her and God...God very well may want her to inspire him to find Christ...she very well also may be deluding herself. Only her and God know.

Support her in all things and be there to catch her if she falls.

 

[Gardener101]

Re red & blue bits below (right at the bottom). Quotes from another CF thread about this same topic:

Mixed marriages were quite common in NT times. The unequally yoked verse that is used so often actually is about not mixing pagan and Christian patterns of worship, and does not refer to marriage. Don't get guilty because of that verse.

John
NZ

I hold to my position on those verses. Yes my wife is a christian.

Advice? Sometimes the Christian-non Christian issue gets out of proportion in two ways. You can so want the spiritual component of your marriage that you can overlook the many other very worthwhile characteristics of your spouse. Also, there are Christian marriages that lack closeness and spiritual intimacy. Marriage is a complex issue with many aspects to consider and just being a Christian does not mean that you will have a great marriage. In fact the divorce rate amongst Christians is around that of non Christians these days. Then there are many Christian families with children far away from God.

Paul's advice was 1 Cor 7:17-24

17 Nevertheless, each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him. This is the rule I lay down in all the churches. 18 Was a man already circumcised when he was called? He should not become uncircumcised. Was a man uncircumcised when he was called? He should not be circumcised. 19 Circumcision is nothing and uncircumcision is nothing. Keeping God's commands is what counts. 20 Each one should remain in the situation which he was in when God called him. 21 Were you a slave when you were called? Don't let it trouble you — although if you can gain your freedom, do so. 22 For he who was a slave when he was called by the Lord is the Lord's freedman; similarly, he who was a free man when he was called is Christ's slave. 23 You were bought at a price; do not become slaves of men. 24 Brothers, each man, as responsible to God, should remain in the situation God called him to.

We are to find God where we are. I am sure slaves were not that happy with their lot, but they had no choice about that. Find the reality of God in your circumstances. He is the true source of our deepest joys and satisfactions.

John
NZ

I posted as I have because my wife and I over the years have known many Christians married to non Christians. We have also known, and attended the weddings of a Christian who has chosen to marry a non Christian. We are well aware of the many issues such people face, and the anguish some have experienced. Some of them havestruggled with the guilt that they have married a non Christian. Some have been rejected by the church for doing so. And I have seen some mixed marriages work better than some Christian marriages.

I make my contributions regarding the unequally yoked verse for two reasons. Firstly, as someone who works hard at understanding Scripture I prefer any exegesis to be accurate. I see the 'unequally yoked' verse as being taken out of a context that contained no reference to marriage. That same verse has been applied to unionism, business partnerships, and membership of societies in my time. Few teach that now because the context just does not support those applications

Secondly, where there are Christians struggling with a mixed marriage that verse has often led to a pervading sense of guilt, of having missed "God's best" for them. That is a very heavy burden indeed.

I am not encouraging the practice. I just don't want people suffering an unnecessary burden of false guilt or condemnation.

John
NZ

Burdens. Jesus compared the false burdens of the religious rulers with His one, which was very different. So I take my thoughts from Jesus ' own words. Unnecessary guilt is real burden as far as I can see. In fact Satan is labeled as the accuser of the brethren

I am not saying that it's OK for a Christian to marry a non Christian. But I am stating quite clearly that I know of mixed marriages that have really worked, and Christian marriages that haven't, even amongst leading pastors. Thus, I won't automatically judge a Christian in a mixed marriage, even though my preference is for Christian marriages.

As for not understanding. I have spent literally hours and hours one on one with distressed people in difficult marriages, most of whom were devoted Christians, and I also have had many cases of dealing with people in mixed marriages or contemplating one. I know from experience that I have had depth of discussions and involvement beyond that of many pastors on this and other pastoral issues. My wife and i are well known for our compassion, wisdom and Christian commitment.

My comments have arisen directly out of pastoral situations and concerns, and by bible study has been motivated by those concerns.

I am not going to debate the unequally yoked verse on this post, but I am more than happy to elsewhere if someone will open a thread and let me know where to find it.

Whatever else I could say I want to affirm as strongly as I can that a person married to a non Christian is not thereby out of God's will, destined to a second best and is merely reaping what was sown. Each person can discover a wonderful reality of Jesus with them in their situation. That is my commitment to anyone Who seeks my advice.

Bless you all
John

NZ

Nope. I am supporting them as a person, just as God does, and Jesus taught in the story of the prodigal son. God's love transends our wrong choices - THANKFULLY.

When things go wrong a person will come to us knowing our love for them. We can still influence thier lives for God. Without that support they may well never have come. Plus, I have attended Christian marriages where I had real doubts which were later justified.

If only we all could make the right decisons all the time.

John
NZ

WISE MAN!





=====================================================

Honestly, I think we make too big a deal about the whole believer/non-believer thing. Statistically, 2/3 of the church is made up of women, meaning that if you can find a decent, loving, committed bloke who happens not to be Christian but accepts your faith, then I'd say you are on to a good thing.

Remember, Paul's teaching on not being bound to unbelievers was not particularly aimed at marriage. Marriage doesn't appear in that chapter, or the chapters on either side of it...

Its a warning to consider your moves in relationships with others carefully, for sure. But that's not the same things as a prohibition.

I'd just be happy for her, and be the listening Christian ear in those times her boyfriend/future husband can't understand the faith issues in her life.

You're joking. Look through the old testament and see what problems occured when God's people married unbelievers. If that doesn't work for you, check out the unequally yoked thread in the marriage forum.

explain to me please how its not considered being yoked together when you commit yourself to spending the rest of your life with another person, becoming one flesh with them. Seems to me you can't be more intimately yoked to another person than to marry them...

With all respect, the unequally yoked forum is going to be negative precisely because its a support forum for people with negative experiences.

I'm not saying we go randomly 'shacking up' with people from different faith journies, but neither should it be ruled out entirely. Besides, if you want to bring the old testament into it... there are all sorts of marriage possibilities in there including polygamy, marrying women from foreign countries that have been conqered and enslaved, so on and so forth. Some of these people are actually in Jesus' lineage. In other words, there is more flexibility than we sometimes give the bible credit for.

 

[Blank123]

with all due respect to Johnnz... simply quoting another member on the site doesn't prove a thing and it makes for a terrible argument. Quote actual verses and sources and you might get somewhere

 

[Gardener101]

with all due respect to Johnnz... simply quoting another member on the site doesn't prove a thing and it makes for a terrible argument. Quote actual verses and sources and you might get somewhere

I am NOT trying to prove anything, but posting the views I agree with. I thought that was apparent?

 

[intricatic]

I am NOT trying to prove anything, but posting the views I agree with. I thought that was apparent?

For what reason?

 

[Gardener101]

For what reason?

The thumbsup emoticons under his quotes.

 

[intricatic]

The thumbsup emoticons under his quotes.

No, I mean, for what reason do you agree?

 

[Gardener101]

No, I mean, for what reason do you agree?

See my latest post about "Single Christian Men" on this board.

It goes someway towards explaining why.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to depart from here before it turns into a threadjack.