Please pray for me. I've been in a panic tonight. My PTSD is triggered, and it's really hard to control my emotions. I've been suicidal again -- big problem for a year and a half, and for many years before my Baptism before that.
A professor emailed saying I'd been rude in class (for being silent) and saying I should drop. I'm on a fellowship, and really scared I could lose it for dropping. I don't have any family or other support, so I absolutely cannot afford to lose the fellowship because it's all I have to live on. Plus, I get my insurance through the university (it hasn't even kicked in yet, I was counting on it kicking in by Nov., and now what if it doesn't?), and I could lose that. If I drop below 12 credits.
I know I've fallen behind -- I'm dealing with serious health challenges right now, trying to stay positive and so forth, but it takes such a toll. Plus the PTSD. So I've fallen behind, and not been participating much in class. I know the prof doesn't mean harm, but this is affecting me almost more than I can handle in the midst of everything.
I'm terrified of financial insecurity now -- major PTSD trigger -- and keep having thoughts of losing everything <staff edit>. Insurance issues have kept me from counseling, as well a host of other things...SCARED.
I'm going to the walk-in center tomorrow. I don't think they can turn me away even without payment. But I'm really scared of my emotions -- they've been repressed so long, yet been subjected to such horrible storms, that they're really scary tempests inside. Volcanic eruptions threaten. But I don't know how to release them. I can't even cry, even tonight, suicidal or not. I can't even exactly get in touch with them. Just this cyclone of fear. It's like that horrible giant red 300-year-old storm on Jupiter. Whipped into a frightful, seemingly unstoppable frenzy.
Prayer, etc., helps, but nothing gets down into its roots to stop it, because the emotions just need to be freed, and I just don't know HOW. Without this release, I know life's bumps will continue to have frightening effects on me. The immediate situation needs to be resolved, of course, and I'm painfully worried about that now; but in the longer term, I need an emotional, psychological cleansing that isn't going to happen if I keep burying, no matter how much I pray. I know this from experience. So please pray that I get rid of all this anti-emotional junk in my head that keeps me so locked up. I didn't used to be like this. I was involved with a cult for a while. It messed my relationship with God and my self-concept enormously. I hardly recognize the person I've "become." It's more like a false persona plonked down like a straight-jacket over my head and heart. The caged heart inside is going to burst its bonds sooner or later, and I'm frightened of what will happen then. Much better to take the straight-jacket off and free her. But I don't know how! It feels like a second skin, surgically attached, and impossible to just rip off without taking my own skin with it...
Sorry for the images. Thanks for reading this far.
A professor emailed saying I'd been rude in class (for being silent) and saying I should drop. I'm on a fellowship, and really scared I could lose it for dropping. I don't have any family or other support, so I absolutely cannot afford to lose the fellowship because it's all I have to live on. Plus, I get my insurance through the university (it hasn't even kicked in yet, I was counting on it kicking in by Nov., and now what if it doesn't?), and I could lose that. If I drop below 12 credits.
I know I've fallen behind -- I'm dealing with serious health challenges right now, trying to stay positive and so forth, but it takes such a toll. Plus the PTSD. So I've fallen behind, and not been participating much in class. I know the prof doesn't mean harm, but this is affecting me almost more than I can handle in the midst of everything.
I'm terrified of financial insecurity now -- major PTSD trigger -- and keep having thoughts of losing everything <staff edit>. Insurance issues have kept me from counseling, as well a host of other things...SCARED.
I'm going to the walk-in center tomorrow. I don't think they can turn me away even without payment. But I'm really scared of my emotions -- they've been repressed so long, yet been subjected to such horrible storms, that they're really scary tempests inside. Volcanic eruptions threaten. But I don't know how to release them. I can't even cry, even tonight, suicidal or not. I can't even exactly get in touch with them. Just this cyclone of fear. It's like that horrible giant red 300-year-old storm on Jupiter. Whipped into a frightful, seemingly unstoppable frenzy.
Prayer, etc., helps, but nothing gets down into its roots to stop it, because the emotions just need to be freed, and I just don't know HOW. Without this release, I know life's bumps will continue to have frightening effects on me. The immediate situation needs to be resolved, of course, and I'm painfully worried about that now; but in the longer term, I need an emotional, psychological cleansing that isn't going to happen if I keep burying, no matter how much I pray. I know this from experience. So please pray that I get rid of all this anti-emotional junk in my head that keeps me so locked up. I didn't used to be like this. I was involved with a cult for a while. It messed my relationship with God and my self-concept enormously. I hardly recognize the person I've "become." It's more like a false persona plonked down like a straight-jacket over my head and heart. The caged heart inside is going to burst its bonds sooner or later, and I'm frightened of what will happen then. Much better to take the straight-jacket off and free her. But I don't know how! It feels like a second skin, surgically attached, and impossible to just rip off without taking my own skin with it...
Sorry for the images. Thanks for reading this far.
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