Psychotic or spiritual attack?

[mum24]

So I tried to explain this on a secular board and they said I was psychotic but I don't think so. Maybe you guys can tell me if I am thinking clearly or not, cuz I know I am having trouble thinking. Anyway...
I have been going through another episode of depression, but honestly it doesn't feel like depression, I'm not sad, just obsessed and desperate. I feel like I have to make people understand that I'm not ok and it drives me to self harm and all sorts of crazy thinking and stuff. I have seriously wanted to end my life. It's so distressing and I can't concentrate on my own life which is full of blessings and I get awful anxiety and I'm just usually stuck in my obsessive thoughts and I can't get out.
So I've been seeing a case worker and a psychiatrist at the hospital and I'm on meds but it's making me worse. The more the case worker is compassionate to me, the more I self harm. The more I need him to see that I'm not ok. It doesn't make sense to me.
But I came to the conclusion yesterday that this is a spiritual battle and that satan is trying to kill me. He wants me to keep seeing my case worker who is my therapist because eventually I will kill myself and it's destroying my family. So I feel like I have to stop seeing him. But I also don't know if I'm already in too deep and satan or his workers have too much control of my mind already because I don't know if I can live without the support of a worker/therapist/supportive person now. Yet it's killing me. He's killing me. Or he's using it to make me kill me. I don't know how to get out of this.
So my questions are: am I thinking clearly here?
What about my meds... Can I go off them and not be overwhelmed with anxiety? Probably not, so I'm trapped seeing these people right? So am I going to die? How can I get out of this.
I'm sorry if it's not making any sense.

 

[TheMainException]

Hey friend, it sounds somewhat like a mixed episode. Keep trying different med combos. Be honest and upfront with those working with you, tell them how the meds are making you feel.

You are NOT thinking clearly. But that doesn't mean it is or is not a spiritual attack or mental issues. I am not one to say. But I do believe that you need to keep on trucking and working with your therapist and doctors to get things straightened out. Eventually, you will most likely find a med combo that helps. It just might take some time. Don't give up.

 

[Dianna_Child of God]

I agree with the mixed episode. They are so hard to get through because your emotions do get so crazy.
If meds are making it worse let your doc know so you can try different ones. It can be hard to find the right ones at the right dosage but it can be done.

 

[mum24]

I saw my therapist guy today and I told him some of this, and his opinion is that my thinking is not based in reality (psychotic - what a word, I've never had anyone describe me as psychotic before). Especially the thought that if I keep seeing him and the doctor that I'm going to die. He said it's just not true. But he doesn't understand cuz I couldn't explain it all. I couldn't explain that his compassion gets into my head and drives me to be more and more suicidal desperate for more and more people to get that I'm not ok. I know that it's messed up and that I'm not right. Am I psychotic though? I don't know. How about just really sick. I hate myself. And I'm playing right into the devils hands because this is his scheme to kill me. It always has been. Maybe one day I'll have the strength to refuse treatment by my therapist but it'll only help a while. I'm doomed I think. Am I really really out of my mind here? This is not making sense is it? It makes perfect sense to me. Please someone tell me if I'm making sense or not. I don't know and it's freaking me out.
I have an appt with my pdoc on Monday to review my meds.
I'm so afraid that I'm trapped by the devil. Has anyone ever been scaredlike this? Am I being paranoid? What's happening?

 

[Dianna_Child of God]

Sounds like your irrational thoughts have taken over all the rational ones. Why could you not explain it all to him. You need to try to explain everything you can to your docs. That is the only way they can truly help you. Is bipolar your only diagnoses? Just curious.

 

[mum24]

When I was an inpatient in the hospital a year ago the doctor diagnosed me, "in the bipolar spectrum". I've also been diagnosed with postpartum depression (how this all started), major depression, disthymia, borderline personality disorder. No one ever gives me a clear answer. I don't much care any more... Just want to be better.
I just want control of my thoughts again and my life. I'm so tired. And I hear what you're saying about being honest with the doctors. I'm scared to. I don't know I'm just scared. You're right. It's not rational. I feel humiliated. That's part of it. And I don't know if I can trust him. I'm afraid of losing control.
Thanks for taking the time to answer my post

 

[TheMainException]

When I was an inpatient in the hospital a year ago the doctor diagnosed me, "in the bipolar spectrum". I've also been diagnosed with postpartum depression (how this all started), major depression, disthymia, borderline personality disorder. No one ever gives me a clear answer. I don't much care any more... Just want to be better.
I just want control of my thoughts again and my life. I'm so tired. And I hear what you're saying about being honest with the doctors. I'm scared to. I don't know I'm just scared. You're right. It's not rational. I feel humiliated. That's part of it. And I don't know if I can trust him. I'm afraid of losing control.
Thanks for taking the time to answer my post

My heart goes out to you friend!
Four things that can go a long way to provide healing and help control swings as well as figure out what triggers mania and depression for you:
1. Sleep a consistent 8 hours of sleep at night. Go to bed at the same time and wake up at the same time. If you are depressed, it may feel like you need a lot more, try not to give in. If you are manic, it may feel like you need a lot less, again, don't give into that, just get into bed and don't allow yourself out until the set time.
2. Exercise. This is so much easier when manic, but all the more important when depressed. Just get yourself walking if you are really depressed. Take a stroll outdoors whenever possible. Exercising outside is a double helper of good stuffs.
3. Eat healthy. Eat a variety of fruits and veggies. Stay away from sugar and carbs as much as possible. Limit caffeine to 1 or 2 cups daily.
4. Keep a daily mood chart. LivingmanicdepressiveDOTcom has a really good method for a really simple chart. It's nothing to intense and it shouldn't be, or you might not have the energy to do it when depressed. That website has a lot of good stuff that I've found helpful.

But remember this, you are NOT doomed. You are not set to be killed by your own hand in accordance with the devil's will. Those ARE irrational thoughts. Fight back and remind yourself of this. You have to convince yourself that these thoughts are not true, no matter how convincing they currently seem. I wouldn't go so far as to say you are psychotic since you aren't hearing or seeing anything, but I'm not your doctor. Keep trucking friend!

 

[mum24]

Thanks for your encouragement and for answering my post. I really appreciate it. It's so hard to keep on top of those healthy strategies.
I'm feeling anxious at the moment... about telling my doctor everything, and I'm feeling depressed about my state of mind. I'm so sick and tired of this struggle year after year, day after day. I'm having a really hard time focusing on the present, on things I have to do and getting them done, which is bad because people are depending on me. I feel like a failure. I can't do this any more. But I have to.
I'm so so tired. Why isnt there ever any solution? I hate my life and it's a good life. I feel like a horrible person and I feel like I have no control over my own life. I'm just a huge failure. I'm sorry. I shouldn't be going on like this.
Thanks for answering.

 

[Dianna_Child of God]

Thanks for your encouragement and for answering my post. I really appreciate it. It's so hard to keep on top of those healthy strategies.
I'm feeling anxious at the moment... about telling my doctor everything, and I'm feeling depressed about my state of mind. I'm so sick and tired of this struggle year after year, day after day. I'm having a really hard time focusing on the present, on things I have to do and getting them done, which is bad because people are depending on me. I feel like a failure. I can't do this any more. But I have to.
I'm so so tired. Why isnt there ever any solution? I hate my life and it's a good life. I feel like a horrible person and I feel like I have no control over my own life. I'm just a huge failure. I'm sorry. I shouldn't be going on like this.
Thanks for answering.

No, get it out here. Here are you in a safe place to do that. We don't judge. We have been there or are there now. You are with brothers and sister in Christ who understand. If you can vent here,then where can you?
I have had to stop going day by day, that is too hard. Now it is inch by inch. Day by day is just way too much.

 

[mum24]

Thank you.
I'm so tired and confused. I want my brain to obey me and just focus on my life and stop thinking about all these things that are not good but I can't. I'm trying.
And if I say it's demonic activity and I try to speak out in Jesus name, it's not working. So either I'm mistaken about that, or I need to be in fasting and prayer or I don't have the power because God hasn't chosen me to be one of His children. that couldn't be could it, or maybe it's my sin that is getting in the way. I don't know anything.
I want to stop thinking about it!!
It's taking all my energy to focus and complete my activities of daily living and be present with the people around me. I am so distracted. I feel so bad for everyone I'm in contact with. I feel like I can't keep this up.
I really feel like I'm being attacked by demons or something. If not, what is this? Is this normal bipolar life? Maybe I'm delusional. That's really depressing. I just can't stop thoughts from twisting and turning around and around in my head and I'm so out of it. Would it help if I cut myself? I don't want to but would it help? It has before.
My therapist says try holding an ice cube. I don't have one but I could try finding something else.
I can't even cry. My emotions are so messed up right now. I'm sorry I'm rambling. You said it was a safe place so I'm just rambling. Just want out of this. Want my life back.

 

[koshka]

I've had psychosis and believed I was being attacked by demons and had 'demonic thoughts'. Nothing seemed to work for a time. Eventually it stopped.

Lately I've been investigating the medicines i've been put on a for a long number of years - antipsychotics - and, whilst other people may disagree, I think for me personally its been unhelpful and made my symptoms worse. (I found out through research on the web that a lot of drugs don't work better than placebo's or else cause harmful side effects and now favour talking therapies, prayer and social support).

One thing I did find helpful in the past before the demonic thing happened, when I was struggling with my thoughts about the world being unsafe was CBT to look at my beliefs. However, when the demonic thing struck i wasn't with a therapist. If you feel that CBT might be helpful for you it might be worth seeing if you could find a therapist that you trust to work with because there's evidence that CBT can be helpful with psychosis.

I wish I could be of more help.

 

[mum24]

I'm on antipsychotics... Have been for 3 years now. It seemed to help with the feeling of dread that I couldn't sit with that I was living with daily. I'm not sure if it was only for depression and anxiety that the doctors prescribed it. I've been on seroquel, then olanzapine, and now Risperidone (not at the same time).
I'm supposed to be starting dbt therapy soon, not cbt. I've never really done cbt I don't think. I guess I feel like I just kind of go along with whatever treatment is suggested. I haven't really taken control. I'm not sure what I think or believe is best. I just want someone to help me.
I go from thinking I shouldn't be on any meds to my meds should be increased and thinking I should have regular appts and support to thinking I shouldn't be seeing anybody.
I feel like it's a hopeless situation. Right now I'm just thinking of the things I have to do tonight and tomorrow and I don't have the energy. Why do I keep pushing myself to get through this when I know I need help? I need help and I'm just pretending everything's fine and pushing through each day. It's all going to crumble down. But I'm so confused... The next second I think, no I don't need help, I need to get over it but I can't. I'm trapped.
Sorry. I'm just so tired and I'm tired of thinking and of too many thoughts that keep changing and of too much intensity and of never smiling for real and of thinking that I should just be dead.

 

[koshka]

I'm on antipsychotics... Have been for 3 years now. It seemed to help with the feeling of dread that I couldn't sit with that I was living with daily. I'm not sure if it was only for depression and anxiety that the doctors prescribed it. I've been on seroquel, then olanzapine, and now Risperidone (not at the same time).
I'm supposed to be starting dbt therapy soon, not cbt. I've never really done cbt I don't think. I guess I feel like I just kind of go along with whatever treatment is suggested. I haven't really taken control. I'm not sure what I think or believe is best. I just want someone to help me.
I go from thinking I shouldn't be on any meds to my meds should be increased and thinking I should have regular appts and support to thinking I shouldn't be seeing anybody.
I feel like it's a hopeless situation. Right now I'm just thinking of the things I have to do tonight and tomorrow and I don't have the energy. Why do I keep pushing myself to get through this when I know I need help? I need help and I'm just pretending everything's fine and pushing through each day. It's all going to crumble down. But I'm so confused... The next second I think, no I don't need help, I need to get over it but I can't. I'm trapped.
Sorry. I'm just so tired and I'm tired of thinking and of too many thoughts that keep changing and of too much intensity and of never smiling for real and of thinking that I should just be dead.

hi Mum24, I can really relate to what you are saying. I have been really desperate for help in the past and I have been taking antipsychotics for about 17 years. I am now trying to very very slowly wean myself off after reading the Harm Reduction Guide to Coming Off Psychiatric Drugs by the Icarus Project. Antipsychotics are very strong drugs and it can cause a lot of problems if you try and come off them too quickly - such as rebound psychosis and supersentivity to psychosis - so i'm certainly not saying for you to come off them at the moment, but i have done a lot of research into their side effects and am questioning their benefits.

I am still learning what helps - so far I've found that researching drug side-effects and how they work - has made me feel more in control of my health and more able to make a decision about what medical treatment I want which I've been able now to express to my psychiatrist. I'd recommend anyone having psychiatric treatment to check out about their issues and options for treatment for themselves from mental health charities etc (like Mind or Rethink in the UK) as you can learn a lot and be more informed when you meet your nurse or doctor.

I realise you may not feel able to take on a lot at the moment, but charities usually have helplines and may have advocates to come alongside you for free to listen to your concerns and help you find a way forward.

There is a mental health forum which you might find interesting to join at www.mentalhealthforum.net . It's non-Christian although there are a few Christians there. Sometimes they have helpful info and advice about treatment, or support from other people in similar situations.

In the UK there is a psychiatrist called Joanna Moncrieff (not sure if i spelt that right) who has written a book about psychiatric drugs. I haven't read it (I was thinking about it but I think I've made up my mind what to do now), but it looks interesting and you maybe able to glean some of what she says from googling her name online.

As far as dealing with the underlying psychosis and mental illness goes, my diagnosis was different from yours - but I found that keeping as much to the basics of sleeping well, eating healthily and attending to self-care have been really important. Sometimes its been a real struggle when I've been down. Alongside this, I also relatively recently started eating probiotic yoghurt (which aids you digesting nutrients), taking a multivitamin, taking omega oils for the brain, and taking extra vitamin C - i noticed that I felt less down when I did this - a definite improvement.

Finally, key to wellbeing - attending to my relationship with Jesus. Here I have had difficulties. Prayer support and encouragement from other believers has really helped.

In my own situation, there have been many times when I have been or felt alone and without support. Even now I am realising that I am going to have to do things alone although I am looking to Jesus for help and to be with me - by talking with Him - as I do things like go for walks by myself to try and get my fitness back.

I hope in some way that some of the above helps, Do pm me to chat about anything if you want to in future.

 

[TheMainException]

Thank you.
I'm so tired and confused. I want my brain to obey me and just focus on my life and stop thinking about all these things that are not good but I can't. I'm trying.
And if I say it's demonic activity and I try to speak out in Jesus name, it's not working. So either I'm mistaken about that, or I need to be in fasting and prayer or I don't have the power because God hasn't chosen me to be one of His children. that couldn't be could it, or maybe it's my sin that is getting in the way. I don't know anything.
I want to stop thinking about it!!
It's taking all my energy to focus and complete my activities of daily living and be present with the people around me. I am so distracted. I feel so bad for everyone I'm in contact with. I feel like I can't keep this up.
I really feel like I'm being attacked by demons or something. If not, what is this? Is this normal bipolar life? Maybe I'm delusional. That's really depressing. I just can't stop thoughts from twisting and turning around and around in my head and I'm so out of it. Would it help if I cut myself? I don't want to but would it help? It has before.
My therapist says try holding an ice cube. I don't have one but I could try finding something else.
I can't even cry. My emotions are so messed up right now. I'm sorry I'm rambling. You said it was a safe place so I'm just rambling. Just want out of this. Want my life back.

Sometimes it just takes TIME. In this society, we want everything now...but we must remember that we are on God's time.

Give rubber bands a try if it feels like you ABSOLUTELY need to cut. Just keep one on your wrist and when the urge becomes unbearable, give it a snap. it's so much safer.

Don't feel bad about venting! If we didn't care, we wouldn't bother to read, we'd be else where in the forums talking about other things. But we are HERE. Writing to YOU. Because we WANT to. Because we WANT you to feel better and stay safe. Sometimes when we are depressed, it seems like we just keep saying the same things over and over and people MUST be getting sick of it. Sure, there might be some people that get sick of it, but we're still here aren't we? You haven't run out of people just yet. We're listening.

and yes...those thoughts and feelings..yea, that's the depressed side of "normal bipolar life." have you checked out symptoms of bipolar anywhere? Like on livingmanicdepressive or wikipedia or something? It might help to know what symptoms match up.

 

[mum24]

Thank you both so much. I really appreciate both of your replies and everything you've written. It helps knowing that people care.
I took the time last night to write my pdoc a letter explaining everything that's going on. That's more than I've done in a long time. I have an appt tomorrow and I hope he'll read it then. I'm scared I suppose. I hate med changes. I havent researched meds like you have... It always makes me want to take none if I do.
Anyway I have another busy day ahead and I'm so tired already and I haven't even gotten out of bed yet.

 

[mum24]

I rewrote the letter. I'm too scared to give it to him and tell him. I don't know what good my appt will do me. I'm freaked out.

 

[love 4]

god please bless him with the wisdom and knowledge of what this person is going threw..for it is written in James 1:5 that if any of you lacks wisdom he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault and it will be given to him..Heavenly father im praying for wisdom and knowledge to come to this blessed soul of yours for his current situation..In Jesus holy name i pray.. amen.


now i have a few question for you ok..What happens or how do you fell when you go to church??
Do you feel anything else..what so ever Physically?
Do you have holy water?
can you get holy water?

 

[mum24]

Thank you for praying for me. When I go to church I feel encouraged by the singing, and I'm completely distracted through the sermon. Can't get out of my head.
I don't have holy water. Don't believe in holy water.
What is your experience with spirits? You can pm me if you don't want to write it here. I'm not used to even thinking about it.

 

[love 4]

Thank you for praying for me. When I go to church I feel encouraged by the singing, and I'm completely distracted through the sermon. Can't get out of my head.
I don't have holy water. Don't believe in holy water.
What is your experience with spirits? You can pm me if you don't want to write it here. I'm not used to even thinking about it.

i did pm you..i hope it went threw....let me know...

 

[love 4]

have you ever thought about changing your diet??? I read what we eat also has to do with our mental state as well...its our whole body that is going down hill due to the chems in our food..That make it where we cant afford to eat what we should..living off of salt and chem..yuk...