progress I hope

[OptimisticSmile]

ok the past few mnonths ive gone through depression , suicidal ideation and anxiety because of doubting my salvation. At one point I read the bible and thought what if this is the last time i ever read it and what if ive prayed my last prayer because I felt as though i had no faith , the thought of not living with God in my life really bothered me . Im still not out of the valley yet because i still have these doubts and thoughts but Ive started praying again and I have some hope that God will show himself to me and give me an assurence that endures.

The concept of God has been in my life since age 6 when I prayed to recieve Christ. at age 9 I was baptised. Around age 15 after a sermon I felt conviction that I was not saved and decided to respond to the invitation given. I dont really remember much after that but about a year later I was struck with doubt about my salvation and that lasted into college and eventually i said "Iam saved because the bible says I am" that led to about two years of having a christian walk. I decided to go on a mission trip and several weeks before the trip I was again struck with doubt about my salvation.

This summer ive been involved in a bible study and the guy leading it shared his testemony about doubting his salvation. It was very similar to my story and before that I had thought there wasnt another christian who could relate. I was like " if i was saved at age 6 then why did I not grow when everyone around me that was saved as a child did" My freind at the bible study was also saved at age 5 or 6 and had the same struggle as me. Perhaps more people do and they just look alright, I know lots of people at my church thought I was a strong christian in high school and I didn't even think I was one.

my best freind is going throughh a trying time and I have really been given a great oppertunity to encourage him and my faith that things will work out for him is so strong and im excited to see God working in that situation. at the bible study Im always giving input and seeing things in his word that are new. I have shared a verse that came to mind when someone was praying and my friend said to me "thank you thats just what I needed" Im like dang I can share verses with people and encourage them yet I have a hard time resting assured even when people tell me God is speaking through me.

That has given me a push to pray and continue to seek God even though I have convinced myself im not saved. His thoughts are higher than our thoughts. what it all boils down to is just trusting that he who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it. at age 15 God became real to me but because I took my eyes off of what he did and focused on how i felt and wondered "did he really save me that day" I did not grow much in faith. in my family and youth group personal bible study was not emphasised.

thats my story. I have several needs in my life that im praying about and trusting God will answer in his time and im praying that as he does i will be assured that he is still working in my life. this has been a learning experience.

im not sure im OCD by the way , I grew up with socially anxiety and being painfully shy . Interestingly my freind in the bible study mentioned in his testemony anxiety and his shyness. I know things like that corrode assurence like praying for freinds and never making freinds and praying to not feel anxious yet feeling as though your body is turning against you. God removed those things from my life eventually

 

[Radiata]

I was going to send you a pm, checking on how you were doing, but I guess I got all the information I need here. Growing up, it was like I had two personalities: Shy or aggressive. I was shy to people that I didn't know, and aggressive to the people I did know. Either way, I grew up alone. And it wasn't pleasant. The fact that you are so concerned tells me that the Holy Spirit is indeed with you and working in you. I believe that this ordeal is in some way a test, one that will eventually draw you into a close relationship with the Lord. Just like it happened with me. I saw the light of God after going through exactly what you did. As a result, God has brought me into a very deep relationship with him. There once was a monk, who said that if there was ever a pious monk that could have gotten to heaven through his monkery, it would have been he. He prayed, fasted, kept vigil, and almost froze to death in the unheated chambers. He was afraid of two things: His faith, and the fear of an angry god. It was through Jesus that he found his loving and merciful God. But all those hours spent in solitude gave him exactly what he needed in the end. It was all this pain and doubt that enabled him to become close to God and eventually become one of the greatest men history has ever seen. This monk name, is Martin Luther. He was a man of God. And He used him to bring order back into His kingdom. I sincerely hope that you are indeed making progress. I don’t want to see you suffer just so you can eventually gain a better relationship with God in the end. But if that is God’s plan for you, I can’t do a thing to stop it.

God has a plan for all of us. One not to harm us. Now, it also says that if you seek, you will find. I cannot think of a reason as to why God would abandon you. If you ask God to reveal himself, why would He say no? That’s my input right now. Remember to never cease to find God. I even do it today. I look for Him in everything I do. God be with you.

 

[gracealone]

HI Optimistic,
I'm glad you are beginning to see that the thoughts and feelings that you have about doubting your salvation are nothing more than abberant annoyances and that God is greater than any of our condemning thoughts.
I actually didn't know that part of my anxiety disorder also involved OCD as I always pictured OCD as only involving compulsive ritual like actions. I also grew up with some social anxiety and extreme shyness, but as a young woman I became very sick with Panic Disorder. During that time I also had unwanted horrible intrusive thoughts that I might harm one of my children. I never told anyone about that during the time and so suffered in silence not knowing that this was a symptom of OCD but of the pure "O" kind of OCD which only involves having unwanted intrusive thoughts that cause extreme anxiety, doubt and fear. Only a Doc. can really diagnose you with OCD but if you spend a great deal of time ruminating about doubting your salvation, if it makes you miserable with anxiety, if you think of it when you wake up, if it's on your mind when you go to sleep then my friend you would have to call that obsessing wouldn't you?
I'm not trying to put you down, but I am saying that having OCD is nothing to be ashamed of and knowing that you have it, if you do, is important. If I didn't know I had high cholesterol I wouldn't be taking the right meds. for it or eating right and it would get worse. If I didn't know I had high blood pressure, I wouldn't be taking the right meds. for it either and it could kill me. Knowing I have OCD has helped me tremendously as I can now treat it in an educated manner.
Also having an understanding of the nature of this illness helps me to help others who suffer in a similar manner.
So just in case you do happen to really have OCD, don't shy away from knowing it. It's more than OK and as you can already see, God can take it and use it to make you more useful in His hands. It's obvious that your suffering has already made you more compassionate toward others... how wonderful!!!
My name is Mitzi, I'm a Christian, I have Panic Disorder and OCD, and I thank God for the work He is doing in my life not in spite of these things.... but because of these things.
God Bless.

 

[OptimisticSmile]

cool thanks guys. I have been a big fan of Martin Luther.