Ok, this is gonna become a long post, but it's important to me so it would be nice I could get some feedback.
I am a 32 year old man from Germany, currently unemployed because I have chronic schizophrenia coupled with anxiety and an almost continually present desire to retreat from people into the safety of my room. Sometimes I wish to break out of this and sometimes I try and it's working, but I've also experienced setbacks.
To be really honest I must add that manual labor never appealed much to me, since I was a little kid. And again, to be honest, if I had a character like my mom or even just like some friends I have, I might be able to hold a job even with my illness.
The bible says, who does not work, should not even eat. Is that really a commandment to work under all circumstances? Or must this be relativied because we live in better times where not all have to work? My illness is recognized as a disability in Germany and I get a kind of SSI income that keeps me financially independent. I live with my mom and we get some additional grants as well. So I do not need a job to "earn a living", as they say.
I've come a little forward since the days when I refused to work completely. I now mow the lawn, water the plants, sometimes help with cleaning the house and do pretty much anything my mom asks me to do. I also have a small volunteer job in a nursing home, but it's really small, only 3 hours per week and if I don't feel right I can call them up and tell them and I can stay at home. But if I am in a good mood I do enjoy this job, and sometimes would even like to do more.
When I don't have things to do, which is often the case, I retire to my rooms, to my computer, and either spend my time in the net or with computer games. Over the years I have bought myself a slew of these and I'm still enjoying them, yet sometimes I think that I should come to make more out of my life.
The illness itself is really vicious sometimes in that I hear voices and have delusions and manic periods. It used to be worse but since I got baptized two years ago things have improved considerably. I'm not entirely sure, but I do think that some of my illness is caused by demonic attacks. I've come to the point that I believe that I am safe as long as I keep following Jesus' ways. And today I'm finding that Jesus simply wants from me to do more work-style things, even when perhaps He doesn't mean that I need to hold a job.
So for now I've been thinking of it like this ... I will see that I will participate in house chores daily and not just when mom asks me to help. I will continue the volunteer work and expand it to another day during the week. I will try to commit more time to other hobbies than just the computer games and the net. There has also been an opportunity recently that I could study online journalism in the course of a year at a distance university. People say that I can write very well, so maybe I have talent there. Would such a study count as work too?
I've also given some thought to the question whether the work Jesus demands from me is simply to hold a job. The thing is, it would be really difficult to find one here in my village in Germany. I don't have a car and can't do most kinds of manual labor, so I honestly don't know what kind of job I would be able to do. I'm more the intellectual type but I can't get such a job anymore at all, not even if I moved into the city. I want to stay living with mom, she is my best friend and I can tell her anything that troubles me and that is worth a lot to me.
So basically, I am asking for what you are thinking. Can I continue playing computer games sometimes, even daily when I have a nice game? Or must I work all the time? Since dad died mom has made the garden smaller so there's less to do. Sometimes I feel called to find an interest in gardening. I do enjoy growing vegetables, herbs and fruits and such, but I really don't like much growing flowers and making the garden something shiny and beautiful.
Also, please keep in mind that though I admit that I have never been fond of manual labor, I do have things that hold me back mentally. My schizophrenia is such that when it is frightening I need there to be an option for retreating, if only for some minutes, if only to have a smoke or something like that. I also often have trouble with intrusive thoughts of evil that do not come from me but which then I have problems fending off. I have learned to counter it through prayer, reading psalms, relaxing and distracting myself, but if I must do certain work that demands all of my attention then I have trouble getting these defense mechanisms to work and I have a really miserable and difficult time. One reason why I can do my volunteer work is that I am always free to retreat for 5 minutes and get back my composure. In a real job obviously I could not do that, that's why I am a bit sceptical.
What do you think?
I am a 32 year old man from Germany, currently unemployed because I have chronic schizophrenia coupled with anxiety and an almost continually present desire to retreat from people into the safety of my room. Sometimes I wish to break out of this and sometimes I try and it's working, but I've also experienced setbacks.
To be really honest I must add that manual labor never appealed much to me, since I was a little kid. And again, to be honest, if I had a character like my mom or even just like some friends I have, I might be able to hold a job even with my illness.
The bible says, who does not work, should not even eat. Is that really a commandment to work under all circumstances? Or must this be relativied because we live in better times where not all have to work? My illness is recognized as a disability in Germany and I get a kind of SSI income that keeps me financially independent. I live with my mom and we get some additional grants as well. So I do not need a job to "earn a living", as they say.
I've come a little forward since the days when I refused to work completely. I now mow the lawn, water the plants, sometimes help with cleaning the house and do pretty much anything my mom asks me to do. I also have a small volunteer job in a nursing home, but it's really small, only 3 hours per week and if I don't feel right I can call them up and tell them and I can stay at home. But if I am in a good mood I do enjoy this job, and sometimes would even like to do more.
When I don't have things to do, which is often the case, I retire to my rooms, to my computer, and either spend my time in the net or with computer games. Over the years I have bought myself a slew of these and I'm still enjoying them, yet sometimes I think that I should come to make more out of my life.
The illness itself is really vicious sometimes in that I hear voices and have delusions and manic periods. It used to be worse but since I got baptized two years ago things have improved considerably. I'm not entirely sure, but I do think that some of my illness is caused by demonic attacks. I've come to the point that I believe that I am safe as long as I keep following Jesus' ways. And today I'm finding that Jesus simply wants from me to do more work-style things, even when perhaps He doesn't mean that I need to hold a job.
So for now I've been thinking of it like this ... I will see that I will participate in house chores daily and not just when mom asks me to help. I will continue the volunteer work and expand it to another day during the week. I will try to commit more time to other hobbies than just the computer games and the net. There has also been an opportunity recently that I could study online journalism in the course of a year at a distance university. People say that I can write very well, so maybe I have talent there. Would such a study count as work too?
I've also given some thought to the question whether the work Jesus demands from me is simply to hold a job. The thing is, it would be really difficult to find one here in my village in Germany. I don't have a car and can't do most kinds of manual labor, so I honestly don't know what kind of job I would be able to do. I'm more the intellectual type but I can't get such a job anymore at all, not even if I moved into the city. I want to stay living with mom, she is my best friend and I can tell her anything that troubles me and that is worth a lot to me.
So basically, I am asking for what you are thinking. Can I continue playing computer games sometimes, even daily when I have a nice game? Or must I work all the time? Since dad died mom has made the garden smaller so there's less to do. Sometimes I feel called to find an interest in gardening. I do enjoy growing vegetables, herbs and fruits and such, but I really don't like much growing flowers and making the garden something shiny and beautiful.
Also, please keep in mind that though I admit that I have never been fond of manual labor, I do have things that hold me back mentally. My schizophrenia is such that when it is frightening I need there to be an option for retreating, if only for some minutes, if only to have a smoke or something like that. I also often have trouble with intrusive thoughts of evil that do not come from me but which then I have problems fending off. I have learned to counter it through prayer, reading psalms, relaxing and distracting myself, but if I must do certain work that demands all of my attention then I have trouble getting these defense mechanisms to work and I have a really miserable and difficult time. One reason why I can do my volunteer work is that I am always free to retreat for 5 minutes and get back my composure. In a real job obviously I could not do that, that's why I am a bit sceptical.
What do you think?
