problems with my son

[kpetty16]

Jake turned 18 last summer and moved away from home in March. He moved in with what we thought was a good group of Christian young men.
Since then he has become a completely different person. He becomes very upset when we try to talk to him about pretty much anything. He does not read his Bible anymore or pray. He says he wants to live the way Christ did.

He moved into a poor black neighborhood.(He is white) He says the way he is living out his faith is by befriending his neighbors. Since he moved in he has had everything of any monetary value stolen, including his car. He was able to find his car and get it back, but the police did nothing to try to catch the people who stole his things. Still he thinks this is the place he should be.

He says that the gospel is loving people and when we try to tell him that the gospel is that Christ died for our sins so that we can spend eternity with God, he gets angry. He thinks our "views" on Christianity are improper. That reading the Bible, praying and memorizing scripture is not the way to live the way Christ wants us to live.

He asked what the greatest commandment was and then skipped right over the first part about loving the Lord, your God with all your heart and went right to loving your neighbor. He thinks he is living a Christian life because he talks to people that are poor. Keep in mind, he is not sharing the gospel with them, he is just talking to them if he happens to see one when he is coming and going.

He has quit school and is only working part time. He told my husband the other day that he was thinking of moving to a new state just to see what it is like to live somewhere else. He has no job or friends or family in another state. He is not making enough money to support himself.

ok, I could go on and on...he gets angry if we say anything about the Islamic faith and he thinks our military is overseas killing innocent people. We know where he is getting his ideas. From the young man who owns the house he lives in. It's all so complicated and there is so much more to tell.

What I need advice about is how to handle him. We told him he had to come over every Sunday for lunch and we would study a chapter of the Bible. We have done this for two weeks now and I'm amazed he actually shows up. He treats his family terribly. The young man was the perfect child. He was obedient and respectful. At 15 he knew his Bible well enough to talk to the Jehova's witnesses when they came to the door. He used to go to Belarus and teach english camps in order to share the gospel. He loved his family and had plans for his future. Now it is as if he has fallen into some sort of cult. A cult that consists of him and a leader.

I'm terrified for him and don't know how to even talk to him now because anything I say, he perceives as an attack. We are the only people in his life that are telling him truth, but I'm afraid he will turn away from us completely if we keep doing it.

He no longer goes to our church. He goes to a church that caters to youth. Tells them what they want to here even if it means throwing doctrin out the window, but we have a couple at our church who have 3 kids that he hangs out with and they keep telling us..."We saw Jake this weekend and he is doing great." The kid has lost his mind and no one around him cares enough to even ask how he is doing in his walk. If they did, they would see that he has all these insane ideas in his head, but they insist to us that he is fine and insinuate that we should stay out of his life.

It's just a mess. Can anyone give me help infiguring out how to get my son back? Absolutely everything we say, he refuses to listen to. If we had told him the gospel was loving people, he would have said, no...it is that Christ died for our sins. He has been brainwashed to believe that his own family is against him and wants to run his life. We haven't interferred in the things he has been doing at all since we moved out(because we didn't know what was going on), but he told us that we are trying to run his life.

Ok, I'll stop. PLEASE, somebody help me. I've lost my son and I want him back.

Thank you,
Kim

 

[Zebra1552]

Step back, leave him alone, and pray for him. Let him do his own thing, because you will only be pushing him away by trying to get him back. He is an adult, let him be an adult. Leave him to figure out his own life. Let it go to God in prayer. And do not provide money or housing for him- he must learn that he cannot get away from his actions. He has to feel the pain of his own choices.

This is tough, I know. I have had to do it with my own sister, who has cut, smoked (not just cigarettes), drunk, and dabbled in the occult. And she is now coming back to God and dealing with her pain in an appropriate way. She's only 16. I will be praying for you and your son.

 

[ForHisGlory2008]

I would suggest that you go with it and take the opportunity to put his social conscience into a positive direction. For example, maybe you could support that yes, Jesus did spend a lot of time with the down and out and people who were poor and in need...maybe he could become a social worker? There are avenues he can take this that are constructive and give him direction. It really just seems that direction is what he lacks at the moment. His heart is in the right place - maybe he's just at a bit of a loss as to how to live that out well?

 

[vespasia]

This sounds a little like he may have a confused idea of new monasticism but they live as a dispersed community supporting one another working in areas of poverty. It certainly does not 'diss' families rather it seeks to support them! Its a return to the old cenobite ideas of the desert fathers and others [have a look in the forum 'voice in the desert' as they draw upon the desert fathers and mothers stories and sayings]

New monastic communities tend to have these things in common.

1. Relocation to the "abandoned places of Empire" [at the margins of society]
2. Sharing economic resources with fellow community members and the needy among us
3. Hospitality to the stranger
4. Lament for racial divisions within the church and our communities combined with the active pursuit of a just reconciliation
5. Humble submission to Christ’s body, the Church
6. Intentional formation in the way of Christ and the rule of the community along the lines of the old noviate
7. Nurturing common life among members of intentional community
8. Support for celibate singles alongside monogamous married couples and their children
9. Geographical proximity to community members who share a common rule of life
10. Care for the plot of God's earth given to us along with support of our local economies
11. Peacemaking in the midst of violence and conflict resolution within communities along the lines of Matthew18
12. Commitment to a disciplined contemplative live.

I think from your post your son may have been reading something like the Simple Way, a monastic community that lives works prays and supports an impoverished community but thye live as a shared sharing community not isolated from others. Few have the inner reosurces to be a true nachorite (hermit who lives aside of community og=ften in intercessionary prayer for the suffering people of the world. See the writing of Thomas Merton to get a feel.]
You may find it helpful to read this website so you have an idea of the 'shape' so you can begin to have a comprehgension of what your son may have been reading.
http://www.newmonasticism.org/

It sounds as if he has a strong sens eof social justice but is isolated and this could indicate that he may be at risk of depression.

If he feels caled to this he may find it helpful to talk to the Franscicans who live amongst the poor.http://www.ofm-usa.com/ No franciscan will force him to become a franciscan but they are very good at giving people space, listening and giving 'spiritual direction' (its a form of mentoring that aims to encourage a person to build a better relationship between themselves and God) This could be helpful if he has chosen to embrace 'voluntary poverty'.

New monasticism is not a 'cult' its aim is to live as the early church did in the C4th when some of the church mothers and fathers rejected absorption into the Roman empire. It may be he has considered secular society to be very much wanting and is looking for a way to embrace a 'simpler' way of living.

If he is exploring new monasticism you mentioning having read this article or is this like Scott Bessenecker ideas http://scottbdot.blogspot.com/. He has written a book called 'The New Friars' http://www.amazon.com/New-Friars-Emerging-Movement-Serving/dp/0830836012 . This may help open the door for him to feel able to begin to talk to you about the ideas he is having. This is important if he feels he is called by God to live amongst the poor [ you may also find it helpful to read ideas on liberation theology - Christ the liberator of the poor and oppressed ] It is faith lived out in practical concern and action, love shown through touching lives too hurt to be able to hear the word of God so they may heal enough to begin to be able to heal.
If however he rejects out of hand suggestions to talk with other new monastic groups or the Franscians and is becomming very insular then he may be suffering a form of hidden mental distress; it may simply be havng had a chance to look at the world he has not liked what he has seen and is rejecting the whole thing as only youth can.

Try to keep calm and pray for him and do your best to leave the doors of communication open for him.

Hope this is of help in giving you an idea of where his ideas may be coming from so you can listen to him and be able to make helpful suggestions that he may be willing to hear from you.

 

[drich0150]

We are commanded to "Train up a Child in the direction that he should Go..." And by the sounds of it you Have. Now it's time to let him go. It sounds like he missed out on "Teenage rebellion" Where he discovers just how much of who, and what he is, is his parents, and how much is him. Now as a young adult he is in the mist of self discovery.

Respectfully in your concerns for you son you seem Very controlling, and wanting to micro manage his life. (To control: where he lives, What color the people are who live next door, Where he works, how long he works, If he chooses to continue his education, the church he goes to, the people he hangs out with, his thoughts, his opinions, who he ministers to, how he does it, and you even go so far as to criticize those who don't see things the way you do.)

Scripture tells us fear not those who can destroy the body, but He who and destroy the body and the spirit. Some people say this reference refers to The Evil one, and Some say God himself. Either way, if you did you "Job" and again it sounds if you did a stellar one when he was small. The same scripture says he will come back. Look at the parable of the prodigal Son. Did the father in the story micro manage his son's inheritance? Or did he Give him the money and let him Go to do as he willed with it?

Sometimes we have to sleep with pigs before we know who we are and How much of what we believe, is ours and not our parents. This is a very important step in a man's life. With out this self discovery Our faith and everything else isn't ours. it belongs to our parents. Salvation, or a true relationship with God will then be impossible, because there aren't any people in heaven allow in on the shirt tails of their Parents... Just be there when he returns.. And remember how the Father in the prodigal son's story acted. There weren't any I told you so's, nor were there any conditions of his return. He welcomed him with open arms.

 

[heron]

Sometimes we have to sleep with pigs before we know who we are and How much of what we believe, is ours and not our parents.

Agreed.

He says that the gospel is loving people and when we try to tell him that the gospel is that Christ died for our sins so that we can spend eternity with God, he gets angry.

It's part of the development stage for that age too, to become more aware of the world and challenge existing belief systems. Think of it as a temporary healthy thought process, where he is really challenging himself more than you -- it just comes out twisted.

That doesn't make it any less painful! But a lot of kids grow up in healthy churches and healthy families, and suddenly realize that there are suffering people nearby -- not just in the books and the news. And it's a down-to-earth healthy feeling to be in a realm that has these different challenges... maybe release from feeling guilty for ignoring it, or even from lording it over other friends in high school without thinking.

Soon he will realize that all this value of money and posessions he saw in the media and in other people was about cushioning survival. After seeing how much he needs to survive, and what happens when that money runs out, it will finally sink in that people wanted him to have a good job and a good education for valid reasons.

I know some people who are going through similar situations right now... I feel for you. But like you said, he knows the scriptures, he has it written on his heart... he won't forget it.

 

[bliz]

I am not going to tell you to handle him because he should no longer be handled by you. He is 18 and he no longer lives in your home; you need to develop an adult-to-adult relationship with him. Not that he is ever going to stop being your baby boy!

I understand why this is so upsetting to you, but nothing you can do or say is going to make a difference. Instead of talking to him, talk to God. Pray for your son's protection and that he hear God's voice, and not the voice not the voice of other people (including you and your husband). If he is talking with and listening to God he will not stray far.

Right now it is upsetting, in part, because his life in Christ does not look anything like you and your husband's life in Christ. That's OK. There are many different branches on the Christian tree and many churches other than yours also preach the Gospel. God has not called you to inner city ministry, but that does not mean it is not his calling.

Make it easy for him to stop back at home and talk with you. Try not to argue with him, but just listen. He knows what you think and will not forget but arguing with him is only going to chase him away. Make him a good meal, send him home with some vitamins and leftovers and pray, pray, pray.

And trust God to watch over him. Anything that happens to him will be because God caused it or God allowed it or caused it. That's hard to accept about our children. (Mine are 26, 23 and 21 - two gone and one moving out in the next month.) We have been so responsible for them for so long and then they drive away, without our safety net. But God is well aware of where our children are and what they are doing.

 

[kpetty16]

Thanks for all the advice. There was some good stuff here and some stuff that made me say "ouch!"...not that they weren't good too.
My true concern for him is that he refuses to read his Bible or pray. If he were doing those things, I'd feel alot better. But I do know he is a child of God and God will take care of him. It's just scarey to see him turning his back on God.

thanks again for your help and the links. I'll check them out.

God bless,
Kim

 

[heron]

It's such a sudden shock from spending years doing everything you can to bring him up well, being criticized if you don't, to one pivotal moment of 18 where you are expected to let go and let anything happen. You have poured much of your life into his growth and development.

It's not something that a time clock can set conditions on. He is not your legal responsibility, but he was one of your closest friends for many years. You wouldn't let a friend drift off into poverty and cult life.

Even though you care more about his well-being than anyone else, he is in the phase of being overly-sensitive over independence. Take a minute to imagine that he is only a friend of yours who is going through this same process, then add an extra drop of caution to prevent his overreaction.

If this were a friend getting into a cultish experience, you would talk with them about what the group believes, give honest criticisms of the place, and maybe even visit the place to get a feel for it. But with a son feeling like he needs to establish independence, some of those things would make him feel like you're personally attacking his choices.

Letting go won't fix the problem, but it might allow him more space to fix it on his own.