Problems with grandparents

[zaksmummy]

Hi everyone, I need some help and advice about grandparents.

My husband is currently in hospital having an neck operation. My mum has come to stay to help with my very lively 3 year old. She sees him regularly, but it is the first time she's really looked after him at my house.

She has told me today that I need to be more strict with him re mealtimes - hes never been a good eater, and consequently I have allowed him to play with his food, as advised by psychologists for poorly eating children. He also is up and down at the table, mainly because hes always eaten "on the go" if you know what I mean.

My mother in law as the totally opposite view - let him run round the house and eat what he likes, even when I've said that he cant have something.

So here Is my problem - I've got a mother who criticizes me and a mother in law who undermines me.

I can see that both of them have a point in the way they look at things, but I dont like either of the way they necessarily do things.

Oh and my mums view of the parenting books I've read is that they arent christian, and therefore mostly not very good. "spare the rod and spoil the child" is what she said, mostly because I try not to smack him, and use the "naughty spot" instead.

Sorry to go on, just feel a bit under siege

Could use advice on how to handle them both and any ideas on how to get small child to eat without WW3 starting.

Catrin xx

 

[Leanna]

The problem here is not your child or parenting style, its your mother and mother in law. They are not supposed to be parenting, but supporting you, so I'd just let them know that this is how you are doing it in your house and not negotiate with them.

 

[Birbitt]

I agree they raised their children the way they felt was right and now it's time for them to let you do the same....they are your children...you just need to sit down and explain to them that they are your children and this is how you do things with your children...and ask them to please be supportive of your decisions and not critical of them...And Prayer...Prayer Works!!!

 

[heart of peace]

I would recommend using nondefensive communication when speaking to them. Things like:

- I am sorry that you are upset.

- No one is trying to attack you, we just see things differently.

- This is not a power struggle.

- That's interesting.

- You're entitled to your opinion. (and continue to do what you deem is best for your family)

- I understand that you disagree with my choices, but that is the way things will remain.

- You may be right, I will take your suggestions into prayer.

I have plenty of experience dealing with emotional blackmailers. Very painful experiences that has cost me at least one relationship

 

[heart of peace]

Oh and about getting him to eat, I have one suggestion:

I would suggest getting a toddler sized table with chairs and place his food on the table. Explain to him that he is free to come and go from the table to eat but that he must eat at the table. The food cannot be taken from the table to the play area. Also, explain that the food will only remain for a certain amount of time. Provide some marker of knowing how much longer the food will remain. Explain that if he does not eat the food by the time you are ready to remove it, he will have to wait until his next meal to eat.

 

[heart of peace]

Oh and my mums view of the parenting books I've read is that they arent christian, and therefore mostly not very good. "spare the rod and spoil the child" is what she said, mostly because I try not to smack him, and use the "naughty spot" instead.

Sorry for the triple post....my thoughts came in a bit sporadically on this one...lol

I don't get this thinking. Maybe someone could explain it to me as I have heard of other Christians with a similar reaction. After all, I learned to do plenty of things in life via non-Christian books/sources (how to read, how to drive a car, how to exercise, how to teach, et cetera). Does that mean that since I learned these things from non-Christian sources, they are not valid?

 

[zaksmummy]

I dont know.

What I do know however is that I didnt like being smacked as a child, it was usually when they were angry about something I'd said or done, and I didnt want to do that to my child, so I chose to use the naughty spot instead. It can be harder, but hopefully it will be worth it.

Thanks for the advice, its much appreciated.

 

[Neenie1]

Oh and about getting him to eat, I have one suggestion:

I would suggest getting a toddler sized table with chairs and place his food on the table. Explain to him that he is free to come and go from the table to eat but that he must eat at the table. The food cannot be taken from the table to the play area. Also, explain that the food will only remain for a certain amount of time. Provide some marker of knowing how much longer the food will remain. Explain that if he does not eat the food by the time you are ready to remove it, he will have to wait until his next meal to eat.

This is how we do it at our place.


I really am sorry for this situation you are having with your family.

If it helps I have had to deal with that kind of thing from time to time.

I just had a scripture pop in to my head, the one in proverbs about a gentle answer turning away wrath.

Try to be as calm and as kind as you can. They have offered to help while your dh is sick and while you don't agree with what they are telling you to do, it is only for a short time while dh is sick.

 

[Called2Grace]

Yeah I have had similar issues with my MIL trying to take on the parenting of DD, partly due to her nature and partly due to her experience with basically having to raise her other granddaughter. If you don't say something about it now, it may get worse, as it did in my situation which ended up in a lot of tears. Unfortunately for me and my MIL, as fair as I am concerned our relationship is ruined, I will never be able to get past the issue as I feel that I am always having to be on guard to prevent it happening again.

If you can say something to them now, it will hopefully prevent any issues coming up in the future. Can you take them aside and say thankyou for your help, what I really need from you is supporting my decisions and the way that I am raising my children?

Do you think they will be receptive to that?

I don't smack either. We found the best thing for DD was having all of us sitting at the table together, when she was smaller, we brought the high chair over to the table. We use a lot of different techniques!