Problems with anger

[WeakButHopeful]

I am sure it is not uncommon for a Christian to have problems with anger, but I am reaching out in humility to my fellow CF members for their advice and perspectives and praying that the Holy Spirit will counsel me through this forum.

My anger is not constant. In normal situations I enjoy yielding to or helping others, or brightening their day or apologizing when I have made a mistake. But it seems that persistently I react badly when I "judge" (yes, I know) that someone else has been extremely rude to myself or others, or reckless in a potentially harmful way (e.g., on the highways), or grossly unfair and/or lazy in fulfilling important responsibilities (e.g., at work). I find that the more unexpected the situation and/or the less input I have to complain, the more likely I am to become angry.

The previous paragraph is bad enough for a Christian, but I will add that I have tried for years to improve in this area, and have not. I could (but will not here) cite many Scripture verses including the Parable of the Unforgiven Debt, many quotations from famous Christians, C. S. Lewis' article "The Trouble with X", general Web sites on improving one's emotional responses, etc. My problem appears to not be intellectual, but in the application in the real world (and in unexpected situations) of the many reasons not to become angry, and the many ways to avoid becoming angry. My anger is not physical, it is verbal or (at best) becoming red faced and upset.

I will not say that I have reviewed the above material every day, but I have certainly reviewed it often, and have tried to do so prayerfully in the past month or so. I will also admit to having had a strange childhood that caused self-esteem issues, but that was decades ago. I suspect the most likely advice I may receive will be to "man up" and walk the Christian talk, and/or to realize the harm I am doing to myself and others and my relationship with my Savior each day I continue like this.

However I also realize that sometimes we become so introspective and stuck in ruts that we cannot see the bigger picture and cannot see the solutions to problems as clearly as others, especially strangers. And, as I said, I pray that the Holy Spirit may guide some kind soul to share something that finally helped them to get out of the kind of situation I described.

Thank you very much in advance for any advice.

 

[paul1149]

I will also admit to having had a strange childhood that caused self-esteem issues, but that was decades ago.

Hi,

You seem to have devoted a lot of attention to the behavioral route, and that is fine. You briefly touch on your personal history, and seem to brush it off because it happened so long ago.

Have you really dealt with the roots of the problem? Anger usually stems from frustration - a lack of ability to change a hurtful situation. When we were kids, we may have lacked the ability to voice how we felt about distressing things going on in our lives. This makes a deep imprint on our soul, and thereafter when something arises that causes distress, and we don't see a way to change it, and especially when we can't even give significant verbal input into the situation, those old feelings of anger rise again.

The way to resolve this may be to get to the root - exactly what it was that caused the initial emotional disturbance. Once you bring the Cross - God's faithful love in action - into it, you may take away its power to affect you so deeply. It still may be a process, but you'll be well on your way to overcoming.

I have found that childhood issues do not resolve automatically. They take persistent attention until they are resolved. I've also found that dealing with them can be very painful at times, and really bring to the fore our complete dependence on the Lord. But His power is perfected in our weakness.

 

[WeakButHopeful]

Thank you very much paul1149 for your thoughtful reply.

If I understood you properly, you are calling attention to a weakness in my personality that is related to my strange childhood environment and has been ignored or suppressed for decades. Kind of ironic that I chose the user name "WeakButHopeful".

Your suggestion to get to the root (I suppose you mean those distressing situations and frustrations from my childhood) and to use God's faithful (and healing) love to shrink its impact on my personality, brings to mind the old saying that the leak in the roof is not usually just above where the water puddle is. Also there is the old saying that always doing the same thing and expecting different results is the definition of crazy.

So if I turn my attention away from the puddle (my anger), and start looking at the roof shingles (my childhood) then with God's help both issues may be solved. Of course, I did notice you said this can be painful, so I will need to depend on God's power in my weakness.

I asked for suggestions on how to get out of the rut, and your suggestion sounds right in line with that. Thank you again!

 

[paul1149]

Thank you. I hope you are hopeful, because there is a lot of grounds for hope. I guess I'm a slow learner myself, because I've been dealing with some stuff for a long time. I'm certainly not completely over it, in my eyes anyway, but I can say that I have reached a better place than ever before, in terms of forgiving and letting go and being open for new opportunities.

 

[Crusader knight]

I struggle with the very same thing. In fact, I could have written your first paragraph myself. I do not like this "personality trait" I've developed. As I've pondered it over the years, I have come to the conclusion that it must be a learned behaviour. In a very real sense, anger has become the habitual response, in certain circumstances. Addictions can be broken. I smoked cigarettes for 18 years, about two packs a day. I quit 15 years ago. That was a real booger. Breaking the "anger " habit may prove difficult. The problem I have right now, is I am not exactly sure what positive habit to replace it with. I am inclined to think that as I "renew my mind through the washing of the word"...which I have been neglecting... may prove useful. Honestly, the fact that we are concerned about this is a good sign that God is working on us! ++CK++

 

[briareos]

Weakbuthopeful

I think you need practice.

1. Practice listening more than you speak, simply not talking as much, listen more.
2. Practice letting others have the last word in a disagreement.
3. Practice not defending yourself when attacked.
4. Practice not saying what you think really needs to be said, find greater value in simply listening to others.
5. Practice being the peacemaker, even if it makes you look like you were wrong.

 

[insurchoftruth]

As long as we have the sinful nature in us, we will feel angry and will feel tempted to get outburst of anger. But.....

Let us look at what happens, in a tight situations, where from outside circumstances, we get irritated or angry.

There are basically two brains, which each of us have. One of the brains, is the emotional brain, and the other is the logical. The emotional brain is called 'amygdala', and it is to do with fight or flight response.

Our emotional brain reacts first to any external situation, which has a potential to make us angry, afraid, or sad. Our other logical brain, reacts to external situations much latter, after our emotional brain has already reacted. Our emotional brain is dealing with dangerous situation, and is to do with survival. Our 'amygdala' part of the brain, constantly scans our environment for danger. in other words we first feel and then, latter we start thinking.

When our emotional part of the brain reacts first, it sends signals to our whole body to prepare it to fight or flight, and the body releases the hormone adrenaline and other stress hormones.
Our emotional brain 'hijacks' our logical brain, and makes it to be like 'switched off' for a while, so we can not think straight.
The reason for that is so we can operate on a fight or flight mode, reacting by emotion and not by logic.

In other words, when we are angry, we can not think properly, because our logical brain has been dominated by our emotional brain.

So what we need in order to take control over our emotional response to situations, and to deal logically with those situations, it to try not to respond immediately when we feel angry, but to delay our responses for a while, so that we can give our logical brain time, to figure out what is going on ,and to catch up, with the situation. We need to buy time.

That is why, in the Epistle of James chapter 1, verse 19 it says that 'We should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.

There is part of psychology called 'emotional intelligence', which describes these things, and there is a lot of information on Google about it.

There is a famous psychologist called Daniel Goleman, who teaches worldwide emotional intelligence.

Hope this can be helpful maybe?

 

[WeakButHopeful]

Thank you all who made additional replies while I slept!
Crusader knight, yes, a learned (and ingrained over many years) habit. Since it causes me daily guilt and discouragement there is still hope for me. I will research and consider what "recovery" advice may exist for anger (and I know recovery is far from easy).
briareos, thank you for your specific suggestions that I can use as a gauge for my progress. As you say, practice on an hourly basis, and decrease the words, increase the listening, delay by minutes not seconds speaking, and allowing others to believe you are wrong. I have some practice in this area, but my anger short circuits my calm personality, so I need to practice bringing those same skills to the front when it's not easy, when it's painful.
dga, I like what you said because it gives both background and additional sources of research to what others suggested and to the wisdom of Scripture that only recently has science caught up with. I have never had a dog as a pet, but I read somewhere that one training technique is for the owner to take a puppy on a very long leash to a park, and whenever it takes off after some small animal to just stop and stand. Eventually the puppy realizes the owner's reaction to disobedience is that it gets to see much less of the park, and over days the leash is shortened and eventually becomes unnecessary. I'm not seeing much of the park, I think.
Thank you all very, very much for your replies! May God bless you and your families.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Acceptance tends to dissipate anger.

 

[peckaboo]

(deleted because accidentally double-posted below)

 

[peckaboo]

One tool I learned when I was getting cognitive behavioural therapy for my own anger problems was to unpick the situation and figure out what you're really angry about. Often we think that a certain person/event has made us angry, but it's actually our own beliefs about that person/event that's triggered our anger.

For example, I got angry with my husband a while ago for texting on his cell phone at the table while we had some friends over for (a very casual) dinner. After they left I chewed his head off about it and told him that he was so rude and had made me really angry. But later, when I unpicked the situation I realised that I was angry because I believe that it's disrespectful to use your phone at the dinner table. I believe it signals that the people you're physically with are less important than the invisible person on the other end of the phone. I believed that our friends would think we had no manners or would be offended. Any or all of these beliefs may or may not be true. So the actual cause of my anger wasn't my husband's behaviour - he hadn't done anything morally wrong - it was my own beliefs about his behaviour.

Does that make sense? Obviously it's a more useful tool if you remember to apply it before you've opened your mouth in anger... I'm still working on that.

I think if you understand why you're angry, it helps dissolve some of the anger. And owning your part in your anger makes you less likely to lash out at someone else over it.

I hope that's helpful for you. It's really tough to want to change a certain part of yourself and not know how to do it. I think we're all somewhere in that process...

 

[WeakButHopeful]

Thank you peckaboo for reminding me that perspective always counts, and that looking for the right one might (in the best cases) delay the urge to lash out until it has passed.

Also, for anyone following this thread I want to mention something I stumbled upon (through a convoluted Google trail that started with Daniel Goleman, courtesy of CF member's dga reply) that had an impact on me: DAVID FOSTER WALLACE, IN HIS OWN WORDS | More Intelligent Life Although not a Christian perspective per se, Wallace in this college commencement address seems to be trying to wrestle with the "default" thinking of the graduates' minds in the same way that Christ's parables tried to wrestle with the default thinking of people in His age, and in a way that calls for me to wrestle with my own thinking (which I am sure will require practice and pain, two things mentioned up thread as necessary to overcome an ingrained habit, such as anger).

 

[riverhooks]

The Word of God says to keep your heart with all diligence for out of it are the issues of life. Jesus said from the heart of men come a long list of evils . The heart is deceitful and desperately wicked. The Lord keeps short accounts Forgiving is a big one . The Lord is able to flood your mind with numerous people that you have "Ought Against" because they hurt you in the past. The anger can be symptom of a deeper problem. The world is forgetting how to repent how to forgive and be forgiven . Jesus will help those who keep his commandments. Forgive. Let not the sun go down on your wrath the wrath of man works not the righteousness of God etc. Keep your heart with all diligence for out of it are the issues of life.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

Some people get more angry then others. All humans tend to have one emotion thats strong then the others.

I use to get angry. Not in a abusive way, just more of a "Argh so and so [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]es me off!". The key for me to was realize that for one Jesus would not be angry, so I shouldn't either. ANd second.....I started to realize my anger had no point. IF I was angry at something it didn't help at all or solve my problems.

Like with 9/11, alot of people were "angry" at the terrorists. Sure the terrorists were horrible people but what does getting angry solve? Nothing! It just drives up your blood pressure, no one elses. Unless of course they are the ones near you when angry. lol