problem please help me, anyone!

[MetalBlade]

I first want to apologize for ranting to you all, but I have a problem (again, when don't I have one)! I am not for sure if this is the best forum to stick this thread in, but since it deals with my girlfriend then I thought I would smack it here. If any of the mods want to move it so that the thread is better justified, then thanks!

So here it goes. Things with my girlfriend have gotten totally better since our feuds that happened in early april to late may. Everything is fine now, we are totally in love and I am happy. It's been an amazing two and a half years. The only problem is I am being torn in two between my girlfriend and my best friend (who I have been friends with since I was a child). My friend has been going on a jealous trip, or maybe it's just a very confused trip...I am not for sure. He has been really angry with me because I spend most of my time with my girl friend and not enough time with him. True I spend most of my time with my girl friend, since she hopefully will be the one I am going to spend the rest of my life with, but the actions my friend has taken are beyond friendly. Calling me names and bringing me down in front of my brother and his friends makes him feel good, but makes me feel like ****. He doesn't even remember that he acted the same way with his x girlfriend who left him around the same time I was having relationship problems!

So a simple solution would be to make more time to spend with my friend. Not so...he doesn't even act like he wants me to be around him. All he does is call me names and hurts me so why would I want to spend time with him. Did I mention he basically lives over my house? He comes over every day and usually spends the night here. The problem is I do not want to loose my best friend, but I don't want to loose my girl friend and possibly future wife! I seriously don't even want to come home anymore cause he is always here and I dont want to get in a fight of words with him. I am caught in the middle and every day it gets worse. I am being hurt to extremes I never thought were possible. Please help me! Anyone!

 

[E-beth]

Sounds to me like your friend is jealous, lonely, and mad and doesn't know how to deal.

A couple of things you could do is to either walk away and ignore his bad behavior, 2. Try to fix him up so he doesn't feel left out 3. Talk to him about what is going on.

But really, don't knock yourself out to try to make someone happy when all they are gonna do is torment you. It is possible to balance friends and gf/bf, but each has to be willing to give up time to the other.

 

[MetalBlade]

Sounds to me like your friend is jealous, lonely, and mad and doesn't know how to deal.

A couple of things you could do is to either walk away and ignore his bad behavior, 2. Try to fix him up so he doesn't feel left out 3. Talk to him about what is going on.

But really, don't knock yourself out to try to make someone happy when all they are gonna do is torment you. It is possible to balance friends and gf/bf, but each has to be willing to give up time to the other.

And you are correct. I don't really think he is jealous, but lonely yes. I would fix him up, but he is very difficult to deal with (especially when it comes to women). I have been choosing number 1, walking away from it, but every time I walk away (or run as I like to call it) things seem to get worse. And I've tried talking to him before about this. It goes in one ear and out the other.

 

[JahRawks]

yeah I agree, there needs to be a balance somewhere, I'm in a long distance relationship, and possibly may move out to where she is, and my best friends understand that, they don't have to like it, but they realize that in a long term basis that to me my girlfriend comes first, and at times that comes as a sacrifice to spending as much time with them, it's not easy to find that balance point, but there is one somewhere, just try to reconcile with him, and hopefully he'll become more understanding that you want to, and need to spend time with your girlfriend, on the same note, your girlfriend should also be understanding, and allow you to spend time with your best friends also, God bless and good luck, just my 2 cents worth

 

[stephzilla]

Well... I do know what to tell you MetalBlade. Being a girl and having a boyfriend who often spends most of his spare time with me, I do know where you are coming from. I think it totally sucks that he is being so controling of you. If he's going to act like a 2 year old, I'd say just walk away. No one deserved that and if your g/f treats you better than he does... it may hurt but you may have to let him go. I had to let my best friend go because she would only hang out with me when her boyfriend was working (it wasn't very much). It was awful but I feel better now knowing that I'm not just waiting around for her. It'll be better in the end.

 

[Living4Him03]

Reminds me a little of one of my friends. She is a very needy person and constantly wants attention. She is a good friend and she is very loyal, but it can be frustrating. She puts me down a lot of times in front of my other friends. For example, this past weekend we went to a Christian concert thing and she told some friends I invited all about how I am so shy and I meet people because of her, etc. She was trying to force me to go up and talk to this one guy and I didn't want to. I just thought he was good looking. But, she would not let it go. When she gets jealous she starts doing stuff like this and trying to give me advice or putting me down to make herself feel better.

It's worse if you are dating someone and you have a friend like this. If I do get to go on a date with my b/f or any other guy in the past for that matter she gets jealous and thinks that I am betraying her. She'll try to guilt me into spending time with her or going to look for guys (well she looks lol). It's really annoying when she assumes I don't have a life and need her friendship.

My point is that you really don't need a friend who constantly demands you pay attention to them. You don't need a friend who will use you just to make themself feel better. Limit contact with him and don't put up with any of his drama making. Pray for him.

 

[desi]

You could tell him to cut it out before you are forced to fight him. Then start swinging when he retorts. A good old fashioned scrap is usually enough to patch up such things among men.

 

[mathias1979]

Seriously, just tell him that you want to spend some time with him too, but if he can't handle the fact that you are in a romantic relationship with someone who truely makes you happy without throwing a hissy-fit, then you're not even going to bother to make the effort.

-Matt

 

[lucypevensie]

You've been friends with him since you were kids. Has he always been a bit crazy like this? Seems strange that your best friend would all of a sudden get really weird. You mentioned that you and your GF had some feuds (for 2 months-kinda a long time). What was that about? Anything that might make your friend concerned for you? Does he have any valid concern? Do you spend too much time with her (it is possible to spend too much time with someone, even if you are thinking about marriage)?

Not to be a pain in the neck, just trying to get a broader picture. You've been best friends for years, make sure you don't just wave him off.

 

[nuarc]

Youre friend sounds like he's lonely and jealous- I know you said he's not- but look, you're the one with the gf now, and he's not. Youre the one who has the life that he had a few weeks ago- was he as needy towards you when he had a gf? Did he behave this way then?
I think he's constantly staying at your house for one of two reasons, either he just wants to make you miserable, or through all of his put downs and flare ups he's looking at how you live and wondering what it is that you have that he doesnt, and trying to figure it out. Walking away is good for now, but if it gets worse- you may just have to bite the bullet and talk to him about it.
Have you ever thought of setting aside maybe an hour a week where only the two of you go and hang out or something- without your future wife? And not a WHOLE lot of talk about her?

 

[DaveKerwin]

tell your friend what you told us.

 

[FaithfulServant]

The person who tries to please everyone will end up pleasing no one.

By the way, why is he always at your house?

 

[bliz]

How much time a week are you spending with your girlfriend? How much time with your friend?

Romantic relationships do not and should not trump friendships. If you were engaged and approaching marriage, that is another issue. But if you are dating, I see no reason why you cannot also do things with your friend. Your girlfriend can use those same nights to get together with her friends.

Clearly your friend has some problems becasue he is clearly overreacting. You need to talk with him about this. Personally, I'd suggest a camping trip or some fishing - getting away for an extended period of time together (2 days) and not squeezing time in.

Friendships are important. Having a girlfriend or a wife does not mean that one should abandon friends and spend no time with them, or only spend time with them together as a couple. Friends are not people you hang with until your mate comes along.