- Jun 9, 2016
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For the last five years of my life, I've lived as if I was two persons merged into one body. The one part of me craves to understand God and His word, yet the other side wants to manipulate and seduce women (sometimes even men when deep into the dark side) and do it repeatedly multiple times a day. (Always was online, never felt the oppression nearly as much when I was in real life, thankfully.)
Thanks to the Holy Spirit, the frequency of these occurrences have dropped like 80 - 90 percent but still happen often enough that my assurance of salvation becomes faulty and I question my status as a Christian. I repeatedly stumble in the same places, notably self-control and sexual immorality.
I always wanted to believe in the Charismatic movement since I was young. I thoroughly believed that 'god' would unleash his power upon me sometime. The power of 'god' that is. I had absolutely no discernment at that time and believed in all the crazy movements of 'god' were in fact genuine movements of God.
I would attend youth group so I could 'soak in the Holy Spirit' and try to listen to 'god' speaking to me. I wouldn't hear anything or feel any experience, but I most definitely was exposed to people who did manifest such things.
Being situated near the Adirondacks, I would attend Beaver Camp yearly (sometimes twice a year, once for winter and once for summer) and have a lot of fun. They would sing a lot of Christian songs and teach about teamwork and stuff. I had my 'posse' of girls follow me for the first two years of attendance but after that, I was essentially a loner.
Yet some of the practices were a bit out of the norm. The worship was borderline-ecstatic at times, which looking back, bother me greatly. The repetition of words used in the worship created this half-operative state in my mind where I would grow incredibly 'passionate' for 'god' to the point of yelling and screaming the songs in a hysterical fashion. Oh fool I was.
There was one experience I had where I was down in the Deer Lodge and everyone was sitting on the ground with the palms of their hands turned up (most of them), and for some reason, I decided to lay back-first to the floor, praying that the Holy Spirit would 'touch me.' I actually felt a touch, which totally surprised me. How foolish I was. Some other kid told me that he saw a 'spirit leave me.' That befuddled me and I was scratching my head for awhile, metaphorically. The whole time, someone was sitting on the chair towards the kitchen and was reciting Bible verses that were just random ones out of the Bible.
The teachings at Beaver Camp were the epitome of loosey-goosey. One time they told us to take Bible verses and mash them up, I think... What kind of worship was that? Of course, the whole thing was so trivial to me that I would always focus on girls anyways. I was pretty dumb then, and I was dumb for awhile after that too.
I began to grow disillusioned with the Camp after 2013, when I was 16. I felt like the Bible wasn't being taught enough and whatnot. I felt like the whole thing was an excuse for teens to have too much fun and not enough edification through the Word.
The last time I attended camp was in 2015. It was even less Biblical than before. The entire lack of Christian piety was astounding. When I went to the Coffee House that Thursday night, I dressed up very conservatively as a cowboy, yet, not being as restrained as I was now, still danced like an utter fool. Facepalm.
I never had any further experiences of the kind, but the addiction to self-stimulation became the influence that set me on a massive rampage of sexting young teen girls and doing it fairly remorselessly at that. (Started about 3 months before my last Beaver Camp attendance) I thrived in the sheer immorality of my behavior and used God as a poster to attract more women into my life.
I eventually became a complete cessationist after watching many videos about the false teachings of the Charismatic movement. The 'Strange Fire' conferences with John MacArthur was the end of my hope for a 'move of God.' Those 'moves of God' were merely moves of 'god.' I didn't realize that I most likely have exposed myself to demonic oppression through my former involvement in the Charismatic lifestyle.
I believe that I have had (a) demon(s) latched onto the outside of my body for the last 5 years. I cannot pay attention to anything, I need constant stimulation from anything I can get it from, I self-stimulate so I can even relax, I see a particularly revealing ad and instantly self-stimulate... At the same time I hate it with such a passion that I want to be castrated. (Essentially asexual.)
My life is a total catastrophe right now. I fear for my salvation because my addiction to self-stimulation is out of control despite the sexting going way down as of recently. I need a lot of prayer... I need a lot of counseling and spiritual guidance in these matters... Lord help me.
Thanks to the Holy Spirit, the frequency of these occurrences have dropped like 80 - 90 percent but still happen often enough that my assurance of salvation becomes faulty and I question my status as a Christian. I repeatedly stumble in the same places, notably self-control and sexual immorality.
I always wanted to believe in the Charismatic movement since I was young. I thoroughly believed that 'god' would unleash his power upon me sometime. The power of 'god' that is. I had absolutely no discernment at that time and believed in all the crazy movements of 'god' were in fact genuine movements of God.
I would attend youth group so I could 'soak in the Holy Spirit' and try to listen to 'god' speaking to me. I wouldn't hear anything or feel any experience, but I most definitely was exposed to people who did manifest such things.
Being situated near the Adirondacks, I would attend Beaver Camp yearly (sometimes twice a year, once for winter and once for summer) and have a lot of fun. They would sing a lot of Christian songs and teach about teamwork and stuff. I had my 'posse' of girls follow me for the first two years of attendance but after that, I was essentially a loner.
Yet some of the practices were a bit out of the norm. The worship was borderline-ecstatic at times, which looking back, bother me greatly. The repetition of words used in the worship created this half-operative state in my mind where I would grow incredibly 'passionate' for 'god' to the point of yelling and screaming the songs in a hysterical fashion. Oh fool I was.
There was one experience I had where I was down in the Deer Lodge and everyone was sitting on the ground with the palms of their hands turned up (most of them), and for some reason, I decided to lay back-first to the floor, praying that the Holy Spirit would 'touch me.' I actually felt a touch, which totally surprised me. How foolish I was. Some other kid told me that he saw a 'spirit leave me.' That befuddled me and I was scratching my head for awhile, metaphorically. The whole time, someone was sitting on the chair towards the kitchen and was reciting Bible verses that were just random ones out of the Bible.
The teachings at Beaver Camp were the epitome of loosey-goosey. One time they told us to take Bible verses and mash them up, I think... What kind of worship was that? Of course, the whole thing was so trivial to me that I would always focus on girls anyways. I was pretty dumb then, and I was dumb for awhile after that too.
I began to grow disillusioned with the Camp after 2013, when I was 16. I felt like the Bible wasn't being taught enough and whatnot. I felt like the whole thing was an excuse for teens to have too much fun and not enough edification through the Word.
The last time I attended camp was in 2015. It was even less Biblical than before. The entire lack of Christian piety was astounding. When I went to the Coffee House that Thursday night, I dressed up very conservatively as a cowboy, yet, not being as restrained as I was now, still danced like an utter fool. Facepalm.
I never had any further experiences of the kind, but the addiction to self-stimulation became the influence that set me on a massive rampage of sexting young teen girls and doing it fairly remorselessly at that. (Started about 3 months before my last Beaver Camp attendance) I thrived in the sheer immorality of my behavior and used God as a poster to attract more women into my life.
I eventually became a complete cessationist after watching many videos about the false teachings of the Charismatic movement. The 'Strange Fire' conferences with John MacArthur was the end of my hope for a 'move of God.' Those 'moves of God' were merely moves of 'god.' I didn't realize that I most likely have exposed myself to demonic oppression through my former involvement in the Charismatic lifestyle.
I believe that I have had (a) demon(s) latched onto the outside of my body for the last 5 years. I cannot pay attention to anything, I need constant stimulation from anything I can get it from, I self-stimulate so I can even relax, I see a particularly revealing ad and instantly self-stimulate... At the same time I hate it with such a passion that I want to be castrated. (Essentially asexual.)
My life is a total catastrophe right now. I fear for my salvation because my addiction to self-stimulation is out of control despite the sexting going way down as of recently. I need a lot of prayer... I need a lot of counseling and spiritual guidance in these matters... Lord help me.