Private Communication?

[Anthony Petini]

Hey everyone!

I’ve been here a few times but I need solid biblical advice at this time. My wife and I have been married 7 years, together for almost 12! We’ve been through a lot together and have always worked things out, God has blessed us. I used to be highly jealous of any male companionship she had, I don’t walk in guilt but I am thankful God saved me from that.

Fast forward to recently, my wife has a male friend she talks to a few times a week on Snapchat, can’t stand that app but I can’t tell her what to do. I’ve told her I’m uncomfortable with her talking to this guy on Snapchat, although I often feel like I’m uncomfortable because of my own insecurities and she knows this. I don’t necessarily think she’s doing anything inherently wrong, I’ve seen the communication, but she assured me over and over that there is nothing to worry about, and I truly believe her.

My question is whether or not I should be concerned and how I should handle this. Should I simply remind her of the possibility of temptation and ask her to consider to stop talking to him and pray for her? Should I put my foot down? (In the past this has not been effective, but maybe I approached it wrong). Should I leave it alone and not say anything and ask the Holy Spirit to speak to her so she hears His voice and not my overshadowing history of jealousy? I think I’ve been so jealous for so long and did some hateful things, that she doesn’t take my counsel in that field seriously, so I understand where she’s coming from.

All I know is that it drives me crazy, not at what she’s doing now, but what it could turn into so easily. I want to handle this with spiritual maturity, but I don’t want to be so passive that she thinks I don’t care.

Another solution that came to mind while my thumbs are tirelessly slapping my phone screen is that I could possibly tell her how I feel, drop the “nagging” and pray that she makes the right decision, all while unconditionally loving her and not acting like she’s doing anything wrong.

I’m so confused, and I’m thankful for your advice!

 

[Seadish]

Actually yes as her husband you most certainly can tell her what to do and this is never a good thing Biblically speaking in my opinion there is no way I would let my husband do any such thing ! Yes I believe a marriage is so very important and we have to take care of it!!

 

[zephcom]

Hey everyone!

I’ve been here a few times but I need solid biblical advice at this time. My wife and I have been married 7 years, together for almost 12! We’ve been through a lot together and have always worked things out, God has blessed us. I used to be highly jealous of any male companionship she had, I don’t walk in guilt but I am thankful God saved me from that.

Fast forward to recently, my wife has a male friend she talks to a few times a week on Snapchat, can’t stand that app but I can’t tell her what to do. I’ve told her I’m uncomfortable with her talking to this guy on Snapchat, although I often feel like I’m uncomfortable because of my own insecurities and she knows this. I don’t necessarily think she’s doing anything inherently wrong, I’ve seen the communication, but she assured me over and over that there is nothing to worry about, and I truly believe her.

My question is whether or not I should be concerned and how I should handle this. Should I simply remind her of the possibility of temptation and ask her to consider to stop talking to him and pray for her? Should I put my foot down? (In the past this has not been effective, but maybe I approached it wrong). Should I leave it alone and not say anything and ask the Holy Spirit to speak to her so she hears His voice and not my overshadowing history of jealousy? I think I’ve been so jealous for so long and did some hateful things, that she doesn’t take my counsel in that field seriously, so I understand where she’s coming from.

All I know is that it drives me crazy, not at what she’s doing now, but what it could turn into so easily. I want to handle this with spiritual maturity, but I don’t want to be so passive that she thinks I don’t care.

Another solution that came to mind while my thumbs are tirelessly slapping my phone screen is that I could possibly tell her how I feel, drop the “nagging” and pray that she makes the right decision, all while unconditionally loving her and not acting like she’s doing anything wrong.

I’m so confused, and I’m thankful for your advice!

Hmmm. Perhaps your issue isn't so much jealousy as it is insecurity.

Many years ago, I had a guy ask me what I would do if my wife was having an affair and wanted to break up the marriage. I told him I hoped I would love her enough that I would want her to be happy even if it meant I was not happy.

That was the answer for that question, but the concept behind it applies forever. I try to be the person she fell in love with all the time because I really do want her to be happy.

We've been married for fifty years now. I have no idea who she talks to on the computer. I have no idea who she sees when she is out. She has total freedom to go as she pleases and come back as she pleases.

And for fifty years she has always come back. Love also has to have an element of trust. Without that trust, love becomes suffocating. Suffocate anything long enough and it -will- die.

Your fear of losing her can, in the end, actually drive her away.

 

[Paidiske]

I think you have to trust her. You say she's not doing anything wrong; the problem is how you feel about it. Trying to control who she speaks with, and how, is not a healthy or appropriate way to manage your feelings.

 

[Anthony Petini]

Hmmm. Perhaps your issue isn't so much jealousy as it is insecurity.

Many years ago, I had a guy ask me what I would do if my wife was having an affair and wanted to break up the marriage. I told him I hoped I would love her enough that I would want her to be happy even if it meant I was not happy.

That was the answer for that question, but the concept behind it applies forever. I try to be the person she fell in love with all the time because I really do want her to be happy.

We've been married for fifty years now. I have no idea who she talks to on the computer. I have no idea who she sees when she is out. She has total freedom to go as she pleases and come back as she pleases.

And for fifty years she has always come back. Love also has to have an element of trust. Without that trust, love becomes suffocating. Suffocate anything long enough and it -will- die.

Your fear of losing her can, in the end, actually drive her away.

Congratulations on your 50 years of marriage! I am nothing if not teachable, and love learning from those who have walked my path. I appreciate you sharing!

I know I need to better trust her, and more importantly trust the Holy Spirit working in her heart and life. I would appreciate it if you’d pray for me for that wisdom and followthrough.

 

[Anthony Petini]

I think you have to trust her. You say she's not doing anything wrong; the problem is how you feel about it. Trying to control who she speaks with, and how, is not a healthy or appropriate way to manage your feelings.

Thank you for your input! I don’t necessarily tell her not to talk to a specific person, but when I “feel” like it’s not a good thing, I’ll nag her about whether she should consider not continuing. I can see me being highly annoying.

 

[Swan7]

Hey everyone!

I’ve been here a few times but I need solid biblical advice at this time. My wife and I have been married 7 years, together for almost 12! We’ve been through a lot together and have always worked things out, God has blessed us. I used to be highly jealous of any male companionship she had, I don’t walk in guilt but I am thankful God saved me from that.

Fast forward to recently, my wife has a male friend she talks to a few times a week on Snapchat, can’t stand that app but I can’t tell her what to do. I’ve told her I’m uncomfortable with her talking to this guy on Snapchat, although I often feel like I’m uncomfortable because of my own insecurities and she knows this. I don’t necessarily think she’s doing anything inherently wrong, I’ve seen the communication, but she assured me over and over that there is nothing to worry about, and I truly believe her.

My question is whether or not I should be concerned and how I should handle this. Should I simply remind her of the possibility of temptation and ask her to consider to stop talking to him and pray for her? Should I put my foot down? (In the past this has not been effective, but maybe I approached it wrong). Should I leave it alone and not say anything and ask the Holy Spirit to speak to her so she hears His voice and not my overshadowing history of jealousy? I think I’ve been so jealous for so long and did some hateful things, that she doesn’t take my counsel in that field seriously, so I understand where she’s coming from.

All I know is that it drives me crazy, not at what she’s doing now, but what it could turn into so easily. I want to handle this with spiritual maturity, but I don’t want to be so passive that she thinks I don’t care.

Another solution that came to mind while my thumbs are tirelessly slapping my phone screen is that I could possibly tell her how I feel, drop the “nagging” and pray that she makes the right decision, all while unconditionally loving her and not acting like she’s doing anything wrong.

I’m so confused, and I’m thankful for your advice!

I can see God is at work in your life! That's so amazing to see! I pray you will do what God tells you to do. I can't give you any advise because I don't know or see where you are, but He does! You sir, certainly have an open heart for God! I pray you hear His voice on this matter either with her, with you in your heart or both!

 

[Seadish]

Thank you for your input! I don’t necessarily tell her not to talk to a specific person, but when I “feel” like it’s not a good thing, I’ll nag her about whether she should consider not continuing. I can see me being highly annoying.

In every church I've served over the years the leaders always stressed that a man and woman not be alone simply to not let anything appear inappropriate men praying with men, women with women I personally believe it is good practice things can just get weird

 

[St_Worm2]

My wife and I have been married 7 years... my wife has a male friend she talks to a few times a week on Snapchat...I’m uncomfortable with her talking to this guy on Snapchat...I don’t necessarily think she’s doing anything inherently wrong, I’ve seen the communication...All I know is that it drives me crazy.........

Hi Anthony, the fact that you are "uncomfortable" with your wife's new, online relationship should be more than enough for her to want to end it immediately (as I hope you would do if the shoe was on the other foot). You're married, so you & your marriage have to come first, which certainly includes considering how the things that each of you do makes the other one feel.

I have had a couple of online Christian friends over the years (in places like this one) who are female. My wife knows about them and has never had a problem with them. HOWEVER, if she did, or if she ever tells me that she does (or if I even sense that she does), I would end them immediately, because she's my wife, and I have no desire to make her feel bad or uncomfortable or insecure for any reason.

There is also an inherent danger in having close/private/ongoing relationships with the opposite sex when we are married, a fact that our enemy knows all to well and often tries to exploit, so this is something else that needs to be considered as well.

Yours and His,
David
p.s. - I told my wife about this thread and some of the things that you said above. The biggest and most immediate "red flag" for her was the fact that your wife is posting messages to her new male friend on SnapChat (since messages/pictures that appear on that service disappear automatically once they've been read, do they not?).

 

[St_Worm2]

Hi again @Anthony Petini, whenever I have a problem that is even remotely of a spiritual nature, I call my pastor. I'd recommend that you do the same as soon as you possibly can

Outside of the fact that he's the one who's been assigned to keep watch over your soul by the Lord .. Hebrews 13:17, he also knows you personally (and I'm assuming that he knows your wife as well, yes?) so his understanding of this situation of yours should be far greater and more insightful than any of ours can be for a number of reasons.

He will also keep any meeting that you have with him in strict confidence if you ask him to, and he can begin praying for you, your wife and your marriage.

--David

 

[Guy Incognito]

Hey everyone!

I’ve been here a few times but I need solid biblical advice at this time. My wife and I have been married 7 years, together for almost 12! We’ve been through a lot together and have always worked things out, God has blessed us. I used to be highly jealous of any male companionship she had, I don’t walk in guilt but I am thankful God saved me from that.

Fast forward to recently, my wife has a male friend she talks to a few times a week on Snapchat, can’t stand that app but I can’t tell her what to do. I’ve told her I’m uncomfortable with her talking to this guy on Snapchat, although I often feel like I’m uncomfortable because of my own insecurities and she knows this. I don’t necessarily think she’s doing anything inherently wrong, I’ve seen the communication, but she assured me over and over that there is nothing to worry about, and I truly believe her.

My question is whether or not I should be concerned and how I should handle this. Should I simply remind her of the possibility of temptation and ask her to consider to stop talking to him and pray for her? Should I put my foot down? (In the past this has not been effective, but maybe I approached it wrong). Should I leave it alone and not say anything and ask the Holy Spirit to speak to her so she hears His voice and not my overshadowing history of jealousy? I think I’ve been so jealous for so long and did some hateful things, that she doesn’t take my counsel in that field seriously, so I understand where she’s coming from.

All I know is that it drives me crazy, not at what she’s doing now, but what it could turn into so easily. I want to handle this with spiritual maturity, but I don’t want to be so passive that she thinks I don’t care.

Another solution that came to mind while my thumbs are tirelessly slapping my phone screen is that I could possibly tell her how I feel, drop the “nagging” and pray that she makes the right decision, all while unconditionally loving her and not acting like she’s doing anything wrong.

I’m so confused, and I’m thankful for your advice!

From based solely on this post, my two cents is this: I don't think you should be speaking to your wife about ending this friendship, I think you need to pray for further deliverance from this nagging jealousy and insecurities.

While I agree that normally spouses should cut off contact with someone else when there significant other expresses discomfort with that relationship, I'd say yours is an exception.

Your wife has indicated you have no reason to not trust her - she has shown you the conversations - so you've seen first hand that there is no reason to doubt her. If there is no reason to not trust her, then I'm thinking it's more on the jealous/insecure end.

If there has been anything from the conversations (even from just his end, and not your wifes), then I'd be more inclined to encourage you speaking to her about this.

I hope this was helpful, and I'll be praying buds.

 

[Saricharity]

I am not a big fan of Snapchat. *My parents would faint that I said that LOL*
I wanted it so badly as a teen and was never allowed to have it.
Now, as an adult, I had it but after a few months deleted it. The appeal of it was gone.
I suggest just being honest and forthright. Tell her you don't feel comfortable with it and that it seriously bothers you. You're not her boss by any means, but she should be able to respect your feelings. Maybe suggest, she communicate through another means like Messenger or something less "secretive". It's wise to be prudent and avoid things that could lead down the wrong path.
I personally don't think it's wise to have private, regular texting or communication on such a secretive social media with someone of the opposite gender who is not your spouse or family. We are called to flee temptation. This could definitely lead to temptation.
Definitely pray about it and definitely share your feelings. Your wife needs to hear how you feel.

 

[dysert]

Take it from someone who's been there and has had his marriage permanently altered (for the worse) because of something like this. I've been marriage almost 40 years now, but ever since I developed a friendship with another woman my marriage has been strained. And even though the friendship ended several years ago, my marriage is still suffering because of it.

You may not have anything to worry about *now*, but things have a way of changing over time. As a result of my experience, my opinion is that any private communication between a spouse and a person of the opposite sex is a very bad idea. Your wife may be trustworthy, and her "friend" may be trustworthy, but private communications lead to intimacy, and the only intimacy that should exist in your marriage is between you and her.

I would do whatever I could to get her to terminate the private communications.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

The thing is, if she isn’t invested in the marriage and/or has bad boundaries then you can tell her to drop the friendship and get off Snapchat, and maybe she even would honor that, but the lack-of-investment/opportunity to form an emotional romantic attachment will just pop up somehow or somewhere else. And if you’re insecure in the relationship, she could do or not do what you ask her to do and it wouldn’t matter. Your insecurity will just manifest elsewhere and/or even her doing what you asked won’t ease your mind. To deal with this problem, you have to deal with the core issue, not the symptom of it.

Sit down and figure out if one or both of the scenarios are the core issue, then deal with that... Both of these situations undermine the marriage long-term by eroding trust.

 

[HannahT]

Fast forward to recently, my wife has a male friend she talks to a few times a week on Snapchat, can’t stand that app but I can’t tell her what to do. I’ve told her I’m uncomfortable with her talking to this guy on Snapchat, although I often feel like I’m uncomfortable because of my own insecurities and she knows this. I don’t necessarily think she’s doing anything inherently wrong, I’ve seen the communication, but she assured me over and over that there is nothing to worry about, and I truly believe her.

I can certainly understand your struggle. Is it the old time jealousy coming forth, or is it really something that shouldn't happen this time?

I don't think anyone could tell you for sure, because we have such little information. I also have been married for a long time, and have adult children at this point. lol or should I say WE have adult children!

Thankfully, this is one issue we never really had to deal with in our marriage. I can't think of a time either of us went down that road. I remember an old relationship prior to marriage in which I dealt with jealousy - and it was on his end. He would dream up all kinds of things that 'could have' happened, and allowed his mind to wander...and get himself all twisted up into a pretzel. It was one of many issues that led to the breakdown of the relationship. His behavior was irrational on that level, and no firm foundation could be established at that point. I broke it off.

The H and I have over the years had conversations with the opposite sex, but they normally had purpose.

I remember one a couple of years ago when he took over a job from a female that quit it. She was part of another company that his company brought in to run a department, and then decided (the company) to run the department 'in-house' - so the H received that position. It was a trial by fire type of circumstance for him, and he would call her for advice, how-to's, etc. I couldn't blame him at that point, because that's all the help he received going in. The phone calls and communication slowed with time, and then stopped after a point. It didn't bother me at all.

It was similar circumstance with a committee I was on. Myself and another male had key positions, and were in constant communications for HUGE event we - and the rest of the committee/volunteers/etc put on annually. We lived within a short distance of each other, and if one had car trouble during times in which we had committee meetings? We would go and pick the other up - and drop them off after the intense meetings with had for the event. It's been years now, and all the communication we have now? lol an annual Christmas card!

If the conversations serve some purpose that is important in her life - take that into consideration. If it is just general chit chat? I think it's time she appreciates the effort you have made in the jealousy department, and cut you some slank! She needs to stop due to you struggling. I don't think the 'put your foot down' is the best approach. Even after so many years of marriage if he ever dared tried the 'put his foot down' with me? lol he would regret it! Most people don't respond well to that type of approach, and it would have to be very extreme circumstance if you had to - with anyone - do that. Mature adults need to do better, and the foot down is a parent/child dynamic.

I would remind her this is about YOU and your struggles, and stress that part so she doesn't take it as the old wounds being re-opened. You are the one that needs support and she is the only one that can give that to you. I know I wouldn't feel good about myself if the H had issues with a relationship I was having. I do believe he would feel the same.

 

[Deidre32]

If the ''friendship'' is nothing really, why can't she let it go to make you feel better? While it's not good to be jealous, and it's great that you are working on that, there's no reason at all for her to have a snap chat friendship. None. Unless this guy is a friend since her childhood or something, and he also includes you in on the jokes, snaps, etc...there's just no reason. I don't think she'd like it if the situation were reversed. She should care more about your feelings than some random dude she is snap chatting with. If she refuses to give up the ''friendship,'' then, it's more than a friendship.

 

[Deidre32]

Something to add though - when we get married, we sometimes think that this one person is supposed to fulfill every need we have. It's not realistic. One individual can't possibly meet every need that we have, but that doesn't mean we should seek those needs to be filled by members of the opposite gender. I have friends who are men, but I don't have private chats with them, as if they are more important than my husband. I think that's the key - having friendships outside of our marriages, can be healthy, but no friendship should ever compete with your marriage. If you are finding more comfort, more joy, more laughter, etc with another man/woman, who is not your spouse, then it might be time to reflect on your marriage. And your own values.

And no one is perfect. I'd ask your wife, OP -- ''what do you get out of this friendship?" And see what she replies. If people refuse to end friendships that seem to becoming more than a friendship, they are getting something out of it.

You also mentioned that you have insecurity issues. So, it's important to work on not feeling threatened just because your wife has a friend, as well. I guess I see it from her side, too. But, in the end, you come first. Above all men, except Jesus.

 

[Dave-W]

If she refuses to give up the ''friendship,'' then, it's more than a friendship

Indeed.

However, she actually not be consciously aware of that fact.

 

[Deidre32]

Indeed.

However, she actually not be consciously aware of that fact.

True but she’s getting something out of it.

 

[Dave-W]

True but she’s getting something out of it.

Indeed.