Premarital sex struggles...advice needed!

[seeing_glory]

Hi everyone, just joined this forum because I need a community to talk to about these things. Happy to have found this

So! I've been with my bf for about 2.5 years. He's 26, I'm 22. Both believers striving to grow. Things are great. I truly feel like he's right for me and we do plan to get married after college. However, we have about 2 years to go. We've already had sex and we have been for a lot of the relationship, but lately we've come to realize how important it is to be obedient to God and we want to do the right thing. We have tried several times to stop but it never lasts. It's really hard for both of us because we have such good chemistry. I've been SERIOUS about trying to follow God lately, I really do love the Lord but this is one thing that I struggle with. Anyway, because I know I love him and I know that it is hard/nearly impossible to stop completely, I want to get engaged. After all, that's what the Bible says to do. I feel that God said it because he KNOWS how hard it is to refrain as humans. I know we can't really afford to live together and start a whole new life right now (he's in nursing school which is really demanding and he can't work much at all), but I'm starting to feel like it's the next best thing we can do for our relationship. He and are are both really serious and I know that if we were to make the decision to get engaged, it would be a real, permanent decision. Well... even though he wants to get married one day, he isn't on board to get engaged now. He says he doesn't want to have a "long engagement" because people then start to think you're never actually getting married (it would be about 2 - 2.5 years). I personally disagree. I think once you know that you want to be committed to that person, go for it. That's what it symbolizes. Since he isn't on board to get engaged, it puts a lot of pressure on me because I continue to sin but yet, I TRIED to make it right, so how should it be my fault?? Does this make sense?

I just want some advice from you all. What would be the best thing to do in my situation? Am I wrong for wanting to get engaged now?

Thanks in advance for ANY input! God bless!

 

[tdidymas]

It sounds to me like you are already engaged, but he is in denial. Personally, I think that sexual activity prior to marriage is a bad idea, and complicates the relationship. If you can't restrain yourselves now, then how will you restrain yourselves from illicit affairs after you get married (or before)? Will you be able to trust him to be faithful to you, knowing that he did not practice restraint before marriage? Are you certain that he isn't lying? That is, he isn't just using you for his sexual pleasure, and secretly intends to end the relationship if he finds a "better model"?

I realize these are hard questions that you might not be able to answer right now. But the Bible says "How can two walk together unless they agree?" (Amos 3:3). The sooner the better you talk these things out with him and come to agreement that is acceptable to you both. And use the Bible as basis, not your/his fleeting feelings. Chances are, if he can't talk about it, he is hiding something significant. Honesty is the best policy. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. In other words, get this issue ironed out asap, and don't wait until the crisis comes (and it will, eventually).
TD

 

[seeing_glory]

In response to tdidymas, no, I'm positive that he isn't using me or hiding something. In fact, back when we began having sex, I was the one pressuring him. I'm a really passionate person and I love him deeply and that's why this began. Plus we weren't as tuned in to God back then. He wants to stop just as much as I do, it's a two-way street. But I don't think that's possible to do for 4 years because will still be dating for a while. All the people in our church got married after less than a year of dating. I assume because of sex. But we simply can't jump on that so quickly .

 

[AGTG]

The solution is simple: Honor God by getting married in the sight of the civil authorities and do the big wedding thing later when you're ready. Most county courthouses charge a simple fee and the ceremonies don't take long.

 

[dayhiker]

Welcome to CF.
I just wanted to say that guilt will really mess with your mind, emotions and feelings. So that needs to be dealt with more than anything else.
I think I understand your idea behind getting engaged. I'm not so sure I really understand his point of view.
There is a lot of follow the crowd when it comes to getting married. We have to pay all pour bills and live in the same place. So perhaps the
two of you should brain storm get married and then what are all the ways you could live being married. Say get married and you both continue to live
at your own parent's home while seeing each other as much as you currently do. There are probably 10-20 more ways you could do it. Say a small legal marriage
with pastor and parents now and a official church wedding upon graduation with 200-300 people .. include honeymoon plan.

 

[Goatee]

I wouldn't rush into anything. Have a good think about this as its a life long commitment. Any chance you could see your priest / Pastor etc for advice?

 

[seeing_glory]

Welcome to CF.
I just wanted to say that guilt will really mess with your mind, emotions and feelings. So that needs to be dealt with more than anything else.
I think I understand your idea behind getting engaged. I'm not so sure I really understand his point of view.
There is a lot of follow the crowd when it comes to getting married. We have to pay all pour bills and live in the same place. So perhaps the
two of you should brain storm get married and then what are all the ways you could live being married. Say get married and you both continue to live
at your own parent's home while seeing each other as much as you currently do. There are probably 10-20 more ways you could do it. Say a small legal marriage
with pastor and parents now and a official church wedding upon graduation with 200-300 people .. include honeymoon plan.

Another person said something similar. Honestly I never really thought about it. It just seems strange to have to explain to people when they see that you're wearing a ring but know you don't live like a married couple. And sad that we wouldn't be able to do things normally Most people in the church date for a year or less and get married really quickly and to us, that's silly because you don't really get past the "honeymoon phase" until it's been about 2 years or so. And our situation is so much different, with school. Yet when I read the scriptures and see the way that it's put (implying just how difficult it is), sooner rather than later at this point in our relationship is starting to seem like the better choice. I guess his perspective is that he wants to focus on getting his degree and job right now and have a nice wedding later. I'm not sure what to do because if I can't get him to agree with me, the cycle will probably just continue. And it will be 50% MY FAULT, even though I would have been willing to make that choice to make it right. Not sure what to tell him because he'll just say we can stop instead, but it won't last.

thanks for the input

 

[JAM2b]

I'm not sure if I am understanding. Do you believe that getting engaged will make you better able to refrain from having sex? I think you only have two options for making it right: get married or stop having sex. An engagement in and of itself won't change anything.

If he isn't ready to marry you, then pushing him to won't help. You two are just going to have to learn to control yourselves until you are both willing to walk aisle. Maybe make a commitment to only be together out in public or be in the company of others.

...and on a practical note, if you can't afford to live together yet, then you can't afford to have sex. I don't care how careful you are or if you are on birth control, babies happen.

 

[tdidymas]

In response to tdidymas, no, I'm positive that he isn't using me or hiding something. In fact, back when we began having sex, I was the one pressuring him. I'm a really passionate person and I love him deeply and that's why this began. Plus we weren't as tuned in to God back then. He wants to stop just as much as I do, it's a two-way street. But I don't think that's possible to do for 4 years because will still be dating for a while. All the people in our church got married after less than a year of dating. I assume because of sex. But we simply can't jump on that so quickly .

Ok, I understand your situation a little better, although I meant my questions to be rhetorical and not for you to answer in a post. Let me just say what I believe the Bible teaches, and leave you with that.
Apostle Paul states in Ephesians 6 that marriage is like the relationship between Christ and the church. And in Genesis 1:27 it states "a man shall leave his father and mother and cling to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." So in effect, you are already married to your bf since you have "consummated" the marriage in bed, that is, the physical component of it, with emotional passions attached. In other words, I think you are already married in the sight of God. Especially since Paul in 1 Corinthians 6:16 says, "What? know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body? for two, saith he, shall be one flesh." (it is talking about fornication, which is sex outside of the marriage covenant). I'm just using this verse as an example, to say that you and your bf are already one flesh, according to what Paul is saying here.

Since marriage is a picture of the spiritual union between Christ and the church, then it ought to be a public event, not something to be hidden away in shame. This is because God is a God of promise, and this is why marriage vows are so important, because it speaks of the promises of God, which promises we must have some hope of being fulfilled. The marriage covenant, then is a witness of the union between us and our Savior. So Paul goes on to say in v. 18-20 "Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body. What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's."

I hope by this that your faith in Christ and the scripture will be edified.
TD

 

[Deidre32]

Don't become engaged so you rush towards marriage, because of the sexual attraction. Many Christian marriages end in divorce because people rush in for the wrong reasons. I'd pray about it, and figure out if the Lord wants you to marry this man. Praying for you.

 

[tomjono6]

I may be the newest member to this forum (and a 16yo), but how about thinking about this a little differently (although slightly similar to tdidymas' most recent point):

-In the bible, marriage was a religious ceremony, and now it's turned into a legal binding. Surely as long as you can make vows to your partner and to God, you should be fine, and hopefully free you of guilt. You don't need a legal paper telling you that you're allowed to have sex or not.
-If you vow to stay faithful to your partner forever (similar to wedding vows), that would be just as good as the marriage which happened in bible times.
-Finally PRAYING really helps! read your bible everyday(it seems unnecessary but it helps tenfold) and go to church, because being in the presence of God will aid your decisions so much!!
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