Think of God as one who doesn't hide from you, as if you're supposed to use tricks to find Him. No, He finds you, he finds us and we will grow in the spirit little by little. We're all sinners. It's not just something we say, it's something most of us experience too. But that's why Christ came. That's why He is so precious. I hope you stop staring at yourself and your failures, and start looking at the reinvigorating grace of God which will not only stop at where you are, but will continue to work through you as well. We can have it by faith, and believing it can be the hardest thing to do. For me it's a decision, even when I cannot feel it. All of this is a process, how we come to understand God and walk in the spirit. It's His process, He will do it for/in us, and we can have hope in His name.
In my depression and spiritual stumbling, I often saw God as wrath and wrath only, and I saw myself as someone who was competing against an angry Christ who demands perfection from someone who isn't even close to being good, let alone perfect. "God is love" was just a bunch of words for me that I really didn't believe. It's easy to feel like that, it's even easy to interpret the Bible like that when the darkness of depression and fear rules over us. But I let go of that. I no longer compete against Christ, but I lean on Him to help me. Yes, even when I've sinned. He is a savior. I think of Him as the source of everything good, everything hopeful. So whenever I stumble or even fall down on my face and absolutely fail as a spiritual person, I look at His goodness and thank Him for doing what He did on the cross. It keeps me humble, it takes burdens away from me that I cannot carry, and I can breathe. I can have hope, I can believe in His grace and - God help me in this - let it work through me for others as well. It's not about me being perfect in order to get His acceptance, It's about Him being already perfect, a perfect sacrifice from a perfect God for the good of imperfect people. I can and should pray to Him as I am with no pretenses, and ask for His will to be done in and through me.
Praying for you sister.
