No, "today is the day of salvation; now is the acceptable time" (Rom 10). God delights in repentance, and the angels rejoice over every person who turns to God.
You may have done bad things, but none of us could ever merit heaven. The Lord says "come let us reason together, and your sins,
though as scarlet, will be washed as white as snow" (Is 1.18). He's not talking about having taken an extra cookie.
Check out the guy in fornication in 1Cor 5. Paul feels so strongly about it that he has the guy thrown out of the church and turned over to satan. Now look at 2Cor 2, and see how tenderly, solicitously, he welcomes the guy back after he repented. That's God calling you.
You dont have to feel anything in order to repent. You can come to God with the deadest of hearts. Repentance is simply a change of mind. In this case, you already know your sin. What's needed is to believe in the mercies of the Lord.
The law is the tutor that leads men to Christ -Gal 3.24
I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness were through the law, then Christ died for no purpose. -Gal 2:21
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. -1jn 1.9
What you just wrote is your confession. Mix it with faith, and you're on your way to victory. Right now, your eyes are on yourself. Look at how many times you wrote "I, me, mine" above. Youve excluded God's mercy and lovingkindness from the equation, and youve done that because youve projected your own very fallen understanding of those qualities onto God. When God speaks of His ways being higher than ours in Isaiah, the context is His mercy, which is perfect (Is 55).
God doesnt want to keep you from rest. He
invites you to rest:
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. -Mt 11.28-30
Having given so much for your sake, and freely, Christ is not going to abandon you now. Think about what He gave. Go watch The Passion Of The Christ a few times, and think about how He did that willingly; about how He knew He would have to do it before He even created us, but still went ahead with it "for the joy set before Him" that is, to have us with Him. Now how on Earth would He not want you to be with Him, after having given so much?
It's actually a good sign that you were attacked by demons. It shows that your baptism was real. If it were just a game, trust me, they would have supported your playing it wholeheartedly. They would have paved your way with wine and roses. But no, they attacked. Why do you think that is? Because they knew they were in danger of losing you.
You need to be wise here. The condemnation is not coming from your Father. He will convict, yes, but He does it cleanly, without reproach (Jam 1.5). The devil is obscuring the pure conviction with his condemnation and hopelessness. That's what he does. We are not ignorant of his devices. You need to put on the full armor, claim your position in Christ, and then stand your ground. We are assured that when we do so the devil must flee (Jam 4.7).
Christ's works are completed. He sat down to rest, on the throne of power. The enemy is defeated and humiliated. You have that delegated authority. Use it, and get free of the condemnation and hopelessness, and turn to the Lord, with faith in His goodness and lovingkindness toward you, and His willingness and ability to save you.
From what you have written, you may have some work to do setting things in order. But the first and most important thing is to get right with God. Receive His mercy and grace, and take your position in Him. Then everything else will fall into place, and you'll be able to accomplish the rest in His power.
