Potential Child Safety Concerns

[looking4zion]

Hello,

I am not really familiar with how to post in a forum (I have never done this before), so please forgive me if I am doing it wrong!! lol.

Anyways, I have a general situation that I want to throw out there and ask how other parents what they would do. To start, here's a little history on me. I am father of a young child (3 yo son), and I was molested when I was ten. Now that I am an adult, and I have finally started to heal (after twenty years!) I have come across a startling situation in my family. Maybe I am just being hypervigilant, or overprotective...

I have an older cousin that lives with my sister (he just moved here from out of state). He is single, and has very curious habits. I have tried not to think anything bad of him, but the more I watch him around my son, the more I see the "grooming" habits of a potential abuser. I am not accusing him of anything, and I know that he hasn't done anything to my son, but I feel like I have reason to be concerned.

Now... Here's the drama. I shared my concerns with my mom, and she FLIPPED out on me. She thinks that I am trying to ruin my cousins life, etc... I feel like she didn't really listen to me, and is mistaking my intentions. Now that we've had this massive blow out, she thinks that I am cutting her and the rest of my family out of our lives, and she also feels that I am driving a wedge into our family that can never be repaired... etc... After all this is said and done, I feel like I would rather protect my child even from the possibility of something than to be the fool and something happen just because "he would never do that"...

Am I being too over protective? Have I really driven a wedge in between my family? I feel like they won't even listen to my concerns, and when it comes to my son, I really am more interested in his safety than how they feel.

Are there any other parents out there (especially fathers who have survived childhood sexual abuse) who have ever faced anything similar?

 

[Darkhorse]

I am a dad. I haven't been molested or sexually abused, but I know a lot of people who have been.

Sexually-abused people tend to be very protective (maybe over-protective) with their kids, but this is understandable. I would advise you to keep your eyes open with your cousin and everyone else, but rather than voice your suspicions to others, try to arrange things so that your son has no chance to be unsupervised with your cousin.

This may mean not having your son unsupervised with your mom or with others who don't share your concerns. Make arrangements for your son that you are comfortable with - you don't have to explain them to anyone.

You may be correct about your cousin, or you may not. Either way, voicing your suspicions may cause strife, and won't protect your son.

 

[akmom]

I am a mother of 3 young children, and have not been in your shoes.

It's hard to say whether you are being perceptive or paranoid. What are your cousin's "curious habits" that concern you? I would be upset if a family member took my serious concerns as lightly as you feel that your mother did, especially given your experiences. Is your mother aware of what happened to you? Has she been supportive of you in your healing, or did she tend to brush it under the rug or deny it? I think your mother's attitude about your own plight would be a reasonable gauge of how much you can trust her to take your son's safety seriously.

Protecting children against an uncertain predator can be very discreet. So I guess I have to ask... why would your mother think your worries would cause a rift in the family?

 

[BeanMak]

I agree with akmom. How your mother responded to your abuse should be a gauge to how to handle this situation. Rely on your gut feelings

 

[katautumn]

I agree with akmom. How your mother responded to your abuse should be a gauge to how to handle this situation. Rely on your gut feelings

+1. Never apologize for protecting your child, even if others claim you're being too cautious. Anyone who has been sexually abused either as a child or an adult (or both) knows all too well it can happen in the blink of an eye. That one time the relative or family friend says, "hey, let me show you something in the garage". That one time you let your guard down is when it can happen.

It shouldn't drive a wedge in the family, so long as your cousin is never allowed to be alone with your child. It doesn't have to be obvious. You don't have to tell your cousin, "hey, I think you might be a child molester, so stay away from my kid". Just go with your instinct and protect your child when he is around.

 

[MessianicMommy]

always rely on your gut.

You may like this book: Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers safe

There is a history of SA in my family, and my kids will not stay with ANYONE I do not feel safe around. If you feel something's off, even if there isn't anything obvious, listen to your gut.
http://www.amazon.com/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Teenagers/dp/0440509009