Possibly facing seperation

[savedbygracebre]

Well, I've been UY for about 5 years now. My wife is a catholic who hasn't been to church only twice in two years(wedding/baptism). I was not a Christian when we married 16 years ago. Those first years(before I was saved)we would always party together and go to the bars and dancehalls. Now that the lord has changed me I know longer want any of those activities anymore. She simply cannot accept the fact that I have now changed- she thinks I am just being stubborn. I would have left years ago(she is extremely verbally abusive)except I have two children(13 yr old son and an 8 yr old daughter who I love with all my heart. I pretty much decided the end is very near since she has stated that she cannot accept me anymore and will never be happy unless I start drinking and go back to how I used to be. I told her that I am serving the Lord and He must come first. Now I know I am not perfect by no means, but I also know that I refuse to turn my back on God to make her "happy". The crazy thing is thay my fathe and sister were recovering alcoholics yet she still wants me to drink to make her happy! Oh, and did I mention I'm the only Christian from our family( hers). Her whole family(mother father and siblings party on down), so I kinda outnumbered anyways. Even her 60 yr old mom goes to the bar with her kids! I pray, however it looks bleak- however there is biblical grounds for divorce if she will choose not to dwell with me if I honor God.

 

[savitri]

My husband has chosen the same path. He has walked out on his family in pursuit of bars, younger women and who knows what else. I am a Christian (as is he) and I believe God first, spouse second, kids third and then everything else.
My prayers are with you.

 

[ShainaBrina]

what is UY?

 

[jimmyl]

I'm going through something similar as well. I've been a Christian most of my life, and until recently my wife would have told you that she is too. Now she has come out and said that she never really believed, never really wanted to commit herself to just one guy, and is leaving me to pursue the whole partying and meeting other guys thing. She basically decided that her life is too wholesome and not enough like Sex and the City I guess. What it comes down to is that she is more important to herself than I am to her. It's not your fault that your wife puts herself first. Do what you can to get her to stay, but don't compromise your relationship with God. If turning your back on God is the only way you could get her to stay, then let her go and know that it really wasn't your fault. I'll be praying for you. The rejection is hard to deal with. I know that for sure.

 

[jimmyl]

what is UY?

Unequally Yoked.

 

[mkgal1]

*

 

[spazlegs]

Wow, this is very hard. I've lurked a while and then joined. It seems as if you should let her go as Paul said about letting the unbeliever go if they want.

Does she want to stay with you? Does she want you to go to the bars with her and abandon the kids? If so, don't go. Maybe you could join her in the bar and shoot pool?

 

[jimmyl]

Maybe you could join her in the bar and shoot pool?

That's a good point. I suppose it depends on what kind of behavior is involved with her going to bars and hanging out, and in your own struggles and temptations. Could you, in good conscience, go with her to bars and parties and just show moderation while there? I mean, there's nothing wrong with going to a bar and having a beer and playing some pool or darts UNLESS you are a recovering alcoholic, or you would be putting yourself in a situation where you would be tempted in some way beyond what you are capable of resisting, or were doing it at the expense of the kids or something. I think you have to make that call.
I really do understand that what you want is a complete change from you're old life. I'm sure that you have a new, more wholesome idea of what you would like your life to be now, and it hurts that she doesn't share that vision. But maybe you could compromise? Go with her to the bar one night and she goes with you to a bible study or to church or something in exchange. Would she be willing to do that?

 

[savedbygracebre]

Well honestly, it's not that I can't handle alcohol it's just that I think it is inherently evil now. I mean, since I quit drinking 4 years ago I get to hang out with her and her family getting drunk and by their actions I am eternally thankful. When I first got saved I would go to the bar and have a beer or two to appease her-but it would never be enough to satisfy her-I was still to "sober"and boring! My whole reason for not drinking is because I do not want to and I will not- I feel the Lord has enabled me to quit and that is where I stand.I absolutely will not budge on this with her and she knows it(even though she still complains.I just do not like the bars- I feel the presence of evil in these places, and beleive me I am very uncomfortable and I am constantly checking my watch so I can leave. Believe me, I do try to compromise with her when I can. After I threatened to move out this last time(she realized I was serious)she has calmed down. I have told her that I will not go to bars and I will not drink alcohol period(I said this in a non-confrontational way),I basically said that I was sorry that she feels alone now in these activities, however the Lord has changed me. I will not and cannot go back to what I used to be! This Saturday we are having a Halloween party at our house and I
am trying to be understanding about it and trying to show her that I will
have fun and am helping with preparations. Of course their will be alcohol
there(really hate that part), but since I don't drink I feel it would be wrong to
make everyone else act as me. I'm just hoping that I can please her and serve
the Lord at the same time. Also, she refuses to go to my church(Baptist)-she's
Catholic and refuses to budge-even refuses for me to take my kids with me-
really it's not her fault, she's just deceived and doesn't realize it. Keep praying for me-I'm really trying to prevent a seperation, as she also doesn't want one either.

 

[jimmyl]

Well, continue to act according to your convictions. You're saying that it's not just about her wanting to be with her, she wants you to be getting drunk, so it sounds like compromise in that area cannot happen. I do think you are being reasonable though. You sound like you know where the line is and are doing everything you can to save the relationship short of crossing that line. It's a hard road to walk, but keep remembering that just because you are unwilling to cross that line doesn't mean you aren't doing everything you can to save the relationship. You're doing the right thing.

It's possible that her desire to pull you back into your past activities is because she sees the new you and it convicts her. Could be that deep down she knows you are right, but doesn't want to let go of what she wants. The old "monkey with it's hand in the jar" trap. The fact that she cares about it is a good sign.

Still praying for you!

 

[ShainaBrina]

Surely there are other fun things to do other than going to bars? Makes one wonder if there is an addiction problem.

As the spiritual leader of the home, I think it is important for you to take the kids to Sunday School. And if your wife is currently not attending anywhere - seems reasonable to take them with you to the baptist church. If and when your wife is willing to attend - then you can consider where best to go. They say that when the father gets saved the whole family follows. So you're in a really great position.

Get those kids in a youth group or something and try to find some fellowship activities that your wife can enjoy with you.

 

[savedbygracebre]

Good point, however if i forcefully take the kids to my church(baptist)there will be a conflict-and asual she'll get the kids involved and they will start crying. I just get tired of putting them in that position- everyone says since she doesn't take them to catholic church it shouldn't be a problem, it's just that she is so decieved into thinking her church is the only true church and that my church will only confuse them. Like I said she is decieved.

 

[jimmyl]

Would she be happy with an Anglican or episcopalian church? Something with a more Catholic "feel"

 

[savedbygracebre]

Sorry for the late response. Thanks for the prayer and support jimmyl. Right now I'm trying not to shake things up to bad, at least for my children's benefit. My wife is holding onto a ton of past anger and hurt between us- it seems like the smallest thing I do wrong or inadvertedly wrong causes her to fly off the hook. I do realize that one of her legitimate complaints is that I don't participate in any thing she does(even though she has nothing to do with my faith or church ).but since Christ has taught us to set ourselves apart from the world I have decided to watch a couple of her tv sitcoms with her(don't really like 'em-but love ain't easy!).I also realize we definitely need some "us" time, it's just that she feels like all we would do is fight anyway if we went. I don't push the kids to my church because like I said(I feel you have to be in my shoes to understand)she is decieved-crazy-never goes to church yet is a "strong" catholic!!!!blows my mind. God will open that door on His own time schedule(I teach them Christian values thru my life). As for my wife feeling conviction because of my changes I guess I don 't feel that. She does say that I am always being judgemental, so maybe it could be. Until later, God bless.