Porn Threat?

[Precarious]

My question is geared to mature male Christians tho ladies oppinions are also appreciated.

I have been happily married for 8 years now. We have 3 young kids, overall things are good in our marriage. Recently my husband seems to be loosing interest in going to church. He usually works on Sundays but has Wed. evenings off when we go to church as a family.

The past two Wed. he has chose not to go and stayed home. I didn't make a fuss, that is between him and God. When I get home from church he had been acting differently so I looked at his history on the internet which showed he was viewing porography on both Wednsdays that he missed. I'm not sure how to aproach this. I know the first thing to do is pray for him. I really don't think this will develop into a problem, I hope it's just a curiosity that will pass.

I don't want to be nieve with this and I don't want to overreact. Should I talk to him about this or give it time?

 

[JMRE5150]

Absolutely talk to him about it right away.


HOWEVER, listen closely. You will probably get a knee-jerk reaction from him about snooping on his history. Thats just the defense mechanism that reacts to being busted for something he knows is bad behavior.
But more importantly, allow him time to relax, and begin to let HIM talk. Listen to what he has to say, and NEVER assume he is looking at porn pics because your not good enough for him anymore. THATS NEVER THE ISSUE.

Just understand he's only human, and he is just making a mistake. Dont play "holy roller' with him, because the worst thing you can do is act too Christian to a Christian. Just be compassionate and have pity. I can promise you as a man that he is not overly proud of this.

Hope this helps.

 

[Precarious]

Thank you so much for your reply. Those were some fears of mine. I can't help but wonder if he is needing something I'm not giving him. I think if anything I am too submissive. I know he is the only one that can answer that but I'm afraid if I talk to him now, I will get too upset and make it worse.

 

[seebs]

I would say that the reaction isn't just to being busted; there really is a privacy and/or trust issue here. Did you, say, talk to him, before you went snooping? If not, you owe him an apology, even if he's wrong too.

FWIW, I know some people who just occasionally look at porn, and it never seems to become a problem, and other people who are really obsessive, and some who just don't care that much. It seems to be something of a continuum.

 

[desi]

Ask him why he'd rather look at porn than be with his family at church on wednesday nights.

 

[Vollkommen Warrior]

It is a nasty cycle/addiction for men and a unfullfillable temptation. Really, I think it is more of a cross than a pleasure for men. It only takes one "view," sexy comercial, etc to set it off and it compounds into much more visualization. The only way is to stop it cold and stop thoughts that go there immedately. There is no middle-ground. Get away from other men who seek this as well.

 

[kdet]

It is a nasty cycle/addiction for men and a unfullfillable temptation. Really, I think it is more of a cross than a pleasure for men. It only takes one "view," sexy comercial, etc to set it off and it compounds into much more visualization. The only way is to stop it cold and stop thoughts that go there immedately. There is no middle-ground. Get away from other men who seek this as well.

This isn't only a problem for men. I also don't believe that all it take sis one view of a sexy commercial. Just as some people can drink moderaterly while others become alcoholics I believe it depends on the person and their personality, IMO

 

[Precarious]

I would say that the reaction isn't just to being busted; there really is a privacy and/or trust issue here. Did you, say, talk to him, before you went snooping? If not, you owe him an apology, even if he's wrong too.

FWIW, I know some people who just occasionally look at porn, and it never seems to become a problem, and other people who are really obsessive, and some who just don't care that much. It seems to be something of a continuum.

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Thank you, I realize it was wrong of me to look. That has also been playing on my conscious. I normally don't snoop, I had a good idea what was going on and I also know if I had asked him about this he would have lied to me as he has always done in the past.

 

[seebs]

Honestly, I think the lying is a bigger problem, overall, than the porn. I'd confront that first.

 

[JMRE5150]

Not to sound a bit rude here...but come on folks...what man/woman is gonna look at his wife/husband and go "Hiya sweety, your right, Im a liar. I stay home from church and do bad things with porno"?

I know everyone should try and be honest, but assuming everyone is ain't right either. Its embarrassing, distasteful, shocking and sinful. Not everyone is so willing to just 'come clean' about it.

Where is everyone's compassion and pity that the bible teaches us about? Just show him love and respect (EVEN IF HE/SHE DIDN'T SHOW YOU) and listen to his pain, suffering and guilt about it. Thats the only way you both will grow, and get past this...

 

[Precarious]

Thank you JMRE5150,

I am back and forth on if I should talk to my husband about this.
My earthly responce would have been to be angry, resentful, bitter and just aweful to live with. I have none of those feelings with this. Now, I have a worry but it is not consuming me. A sure sign God is helping me out with this.

I know he will be VERY embarrased and it may serve him right if I approach him but I don't think it is the right thing to do now unless maybee if this continues. I know the last thing he wants is to hurt me, the surprizing thing about this is I don't feel hurt at all I'm just worried for him.

I think what I should do at this point is to love, respect, honor (by not snooping), be attentive to him and his needs and leave it alone for now.

If I missed something, please discuss.

 

[gary2468]

My question is geared to mature male Christians tho ladies oppinions are also appreciated.

I have been happily married for 8 years now. We have 3 young kids, overall things are good in our marriage. Recently my husband seems to be loosing interest in going to church. He usually works on Sundays but has Wed. evenings off when we go to church as a family.

The past two Wed. he has chose not to go and stayed home. I didn't make a fuss, that is between him and God. When I get home from church he had been acting differently so I looked at his history on the internet which showed he was viewing porography on both Wednsdays that he missed. I'm not sure how to aproach this. I know the first thing to do is pray for him. I really don't think this will develop into a problem, I hope it's just a curiosity that will pass.

I don't want to be nieve with this and I don't want to overreact. Should I talk to him about this or give it time?

I would without a doubt talk to him and/or a male friend of his in your church. I find that when I get caught up in pornography I feel unworthy to even talk to God. He is seeking something and someone needs to talk to him.

 

[Vollkommen Warrior]

This isn't only a problem for men. I also don't believe that all it take sis one view of a sexy commercial. Just as some people can drink moderaterly while others become alcoholics I believe it depends on the person and their personality, IMO

Ok. What did I miss-no disagreement here... In addition, if you have a problem with it, it DOES simply take one look. Why would I be addressing those who did not have a problem?

 

[4thwatcher]

My question is geared to mature male Christians ... I don't want to be nieve with this and I don't want to overreact. Should I talk to him about this or give it time?

well, you need to speak the matter with your husband urgently, and the soonest if possible, if you're too concerned already, precario, before it's too late and your husband be totally addicted to pornography. involving others to help you with your current problem wont do any good really. he is your husband so i see no reason why he will get embarassed or whatsoever... he might have wanted to open the matter to you but perhaps, he might be thinking you'll go wild or mad upon learning about it. the best thing is start an open communication with your husband concerning this... might be very difficult at start, but you can perhaps use the "jokingly manner approach" ... like "ohh... seen beautiful ladies in your pc awhile ago .. can i have a look at them as well, if you dont mind ... " ... at least, through that, you are trying to open a hidden door in him ... the two possible reactions from him might be embarassment which what you can do perhaps is give him a hug and total sharing of his new escapades with you ... just deal with it as mature adults and you wont have any problem!

 

[Bookman]

I guess I'm the odd man out here. If it will deeply embarrass your husband, I'd wait and not talk to him yet. It will mean so much more if he comes to you on his own accord without you "outting" him on this. I'd suggest you pray and perhaps set a deadline of a month or so. At the two week point, you might gently probe and ask him something like, "Are things all right with you, dear? Is there anything you want to discuss with me?"

You might let him know that you're praying for him, without mentioning any reason, just say something like, "You know, don't you, that I love you and pray for you every day." Affirm him. He needs that right now.

 

[Precarious]

Thank you all so much for the various replies. Now I see why I am back and forth on if I should discuss this now, LOL. Their is a viariety on how to approach or not approach. All appreciated as well. Thanks again. I really have a peace about not bringing this up now. Hopefuly my feelings aren't nieve, I usually would have been off the wall on this sort of thing.

God Bless, everyone.

 

[sioleabha]

If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. (Mat. 18:15 - 17)

Based on this, I would talk to him about it.

 

[Vollkommen Warrior]

I don't agree with bookman on this. Why tip-toe around these perversions? Because you don't want to embarass?? That's rediculous (the action..or non-action rather, not you bookman).

 

[Precarious]

OK, I'm getting confused. Men, if you were the man cought viewing porn would you, in hindsight, rather your wife talk to you about this or what?

And if so, how should she aproach you with this?

 

[Child of The King]

I'm going to go way out in left field here. I don't know anything about your husband, work place etc. What if someone came to him with a problem at work that involved these sites and he's honestly just checking them out so he would know how to address the issue with his friend/buddy? He does it while you and the children are at church because he doesn't want the kids to "accidently" see and therefore start inquiring. I don't have any idea where this idea came from other than sometimes men go about solving issues a little differently then we females do I say give your husband the benefit of the doubt ( unless there are other issues involved ). If this behavior continues I would have to agree that you should do as Matthew 18 says and go to him one on one. My husband and I both occasionally check the history on the computer ( of course, we also have 2 teenagers in the house who always have friends over ) It really isn't a matter of mistrust, it's accountability. It's too easy for one to slip up and get curious, it's a little more difficult if you have to answer to someone. These are just my thoughts. Have a wonderful Jesus filled day and may God richly bless.
Tammy