Porn Threat?

[Vollkommen Warrior]

I find the problem of beating around the bush to be worse and leads to distrust on both ends. Women, in my encounters, sometimes tip-toe around issues or avoid confrontation for many reasons. As a guy, I have more respect and admiration for someone who confronts me with it and gets it out of the way. Otherwise, it gets shuffled and comes back to haunt. Then I consider it dishonest of them if they knew something and were hiding it. After which, I have trouble trusting them in the future.

I had this problem once at work years ago and still don't trust women in the work-place because of it. I am not saying this is right, just my experience. That's just me though and I don't speak for all guys. Get it out in the open and get it over with. All this tip-toe leads to more problems.

 

[isildurs bane]

Hi, I'm new to the forum so give me a moment...

I personally have had problems with pornography ever since I was 15 (12 years ago), and find it a huge temptation. I believe that Satan tempts me mosts when it comes to this area, and the only way I have freed myself from it, returned to church, been baptised, is to rid myself of the internet connection on my computer at home (i'm at work at the moment)...

It may be a bit harsh but it is often the only answer, because as we know the internet is the most amazing and most evil form of comunication technology ever created, and the stuff on it, well, do I need to go on. As Christians we all no the risks and the temptation to take a peek, and as men we suffer from lust in a much more powerful way than most women will ever understand.

Confront your husband, in the nicest way possible... he will currently be feeling very dark inside, and confused. Because I know how much porn can effect my faith, and I'm sure your husband is really on a downer with God at the moment. He needs to free himself from the addiction, by giving it over to Jesus. But only he can do that, and you can only advise him to do that. He will appreciate your understanding more than you'll ever know.

 

[Salvatore Gonzales]

I have talked to a lot of couples about this over the years.

There is no easy, non-confrontational way to bring it up.
Quite frankly, he has lied, and I can only guess you feel
your trust has been betrayed. For the female, the emotional
hurt can be great based on the abstract notion of "digital"
cheating. Many guys with a porn addiction, though, won't
understand this and will say "I didn't actually cheat on
you." Ah, but what of your heart she always wonders?
However, this purient pursuit is till a gateway to sin.

Even asking him something as simple as "How does
viewing porn glorify God?" will likely get you a nasty
reaction.

It's time for *counseling* with your minister and/or
*licensed professional counselor.* There's no way
away from it at this point.

 

[ceres]

There is no room for "privacy" in a marriage. I do not understand anyone saying you would owe him an apology for looking at the web history. I think we should be involved in every part of one another's lives to protect and love one another. It is definitely a problem that he is looking at porn, it is not okay. DO NOT talk to anyone else about this problem before you talk to him, there is no reason to embarrass him. But I would talk to him definitely. Honesty and openness are really important.

I caught my husband also, by accident. Someone else was using our computer and said something to me about it. I chose to talk to him about it at bed time. I don't remember what I said exactly but it went pretty well. First he tried to lie and say it was just popups but I knew it wasn't true so after I told him I couldn't take it if he kept lying to me he admitted it, but he was really embarrassed. He stopped after that, maybe fell a couple times, but if I wouldn't have said anything it would have just gotten more often and worse. I am really glad I talked to him because even admitting problems like that can help you grow closer.

 

[JimfromOhio]

I used to be addicted to porn however, I have learned that porn is very dangerous if I am not careful. Seeing videos or photos of sexual acts is erotic. Even looking at drawings can produce arousal. Reading erotic romance books also produces arousal. Mature Spiritual married couples can use materials about sexuality as long as they are from a biblical perspective that lead to better understanding, deeper marital intimacy, and improved sexual technique without risking your relationship.

Internet pornographers are some of the most cunning, degenerate marketers and salespeople in the entire world—physical or virtual. Internet pornographers want to make certain that virtually every male viewer ends his pornography session with masturbation and [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. Internet Porngraphers know their craft and have devised laser-focus techniques to capture each of those markets. Pornographers know full well the male brain’s predisposition to narrowly focus on parts rather than the whole—to objectify and compartmentalize everything. Internet porn geared to the male audience is a continuous wave of one specific male body part doing everything imaginable to every conceivable female body part, from head to toe. Much of this material involves extreme close-ups of one particular body part at a time.

Internet and Video Porn is not real sex. Porn is very different from real sex. Things like love, respect, romance, and commitment are not found in pornography. Porn have a lot of action, fast and harsh movement are more arousing than real sex that involves soft, slow, gentle sex. It is impossible for someone to repeatedly view this kind of thing and not be affected by it. Normal sex acts start to seem boring, and a man who has been happy with his sex life can become frustrated that it's not like the porn. A man may start to think there is something wrong with his wife, or get mad at her for not being like the women in the porn.

Porn sex is selfish.
Christian sex is love, sharing and fulfilling.

Sexual pleasure should draw a husband and wife together in a powerful bond that helps them become "one flesh." We don't think there is any way to get "more out of sex than God intends" in the positive realm. The intense, joyous release of [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse], free from fear and fantasy, is a divine possibility to be sought. Christians married couples are usually the world's best lovers. In the act of making love, nothing leads to satisfaction more reliably than the conscious effort to satisfy one's partner. The secret of being a better lover can be condensed into a single phrase, spoken by Jesus Christ himself: "Love your neighbor as yourself." Further, when a person of faith enters into such a mutually satisfying relationship with another human being, giving and receiving love, in the manner suggested by Jesus, then one also becomes aware that in the depths of one's love for another person one feels closest to the God of love.

What can a christian wife do? You reap what you sow.
In a perfect marriage, a husband and wife take equal steps toward each other to meet each others needs. What some wives don’t realize is how powerful good sex is in getting a man in touch with his relationship side. The more he feels loved sexually, the more he opens up to meet the affectionate, romantic, and communication needs of his wife. So if you sow an uninhibited, creative sex life, you’ll reap a more romantic husband. If you sow regular doses of ! what turns him on—often it’s oral sex the way he likes it—you’ll reap a more affectionate husband. If you sow sexual variety that’s restricted only by true biblical mandates, you’ll reap a more communicative mate. If you sow a commitment to put lots of time and mental energy into your marriage, with Spirit of God inside you to enable you, you’ll reap a wonderful marriage. If you are lucky enough that both of you make this commitment, you’ll reap a marriage made in heaven.

Keep reminding yourself your husband views sex differently than you. Sex is paramount in your husband’s mind. That’s the way God made him and you shouldn’t judge him for it. He’s sight-oriented and focuses more on physical attraction and the sexual act. You are relationship-oriented and focus more on the whole relationship. The more you can demonstrate your sensitivity to your husband’s viewpoint, the more he will be willing and excited about developing your relationship, more non-sexual affection, and better communication. Train yourself to turn him on. You must become a student of your husband’s sexual desires and turn-ons. He will probably be open to more creativity and variation than you. That’s OK. Learn what he likes and desires. If you have a problem with something, discuss it and agree to not do anything that either person is not comfortable with. (Anything a husband and wife do together is good as long as it doesn’t harm physically, emotionally or mentally). On the other hand, if you are uncomfortable with something, explore the reasons why and ask God to change you if necessary. You will go a long way if, on occasion, you take turns asking this question: “Now, tell me exactly how I can please you tonight.” Or “Is there anything you would like me to do I haven’t done in a while or that would be a completely new thing?” This practice will open up each of you to be free, open, and less inhibited.

 

[Vollkommen Warrior]

Worth repeating. You guys are on the money:

"It is a nasty cycle/addiction for men and a unfullfillable temptation. Really, I think it is more of a cross than a pleasure for men. It only takes one "view," sexy comercial, etc to set it off and it compounds into much more visualization. The only way is to stop it cold and stop thoughts that go there immedately. There is no middle-ground. Get away from other men who seek this as well."

 

[Mrs. Enigma]

You should always take porn very seriously. It is an affair of the mind. He is sinning, but God can cleanse him and totally rid him of the habit. Porn is not a harmless game, and it will affect him spiritually. Pray and lovingly go to your husband. Michael pearl from No Greater Joy ministries has an excellent pamphlet on porn. I am sorry you are going through this.